I do not own Supernatural

Cas slowly walked down the line of books in the bunker's library. Now that he had his own grace back, he felt a little more like himself. He didn't feel the need to rest or do any of those other human things that had been nagging him while the grace that wasn't his gradually drained him. Which is why he wasn't taking the time to rest while the others did the same upstairs.

The evening had gone better than he had expected, even with Sam's warning at the end of the night. With his grace back he felt like he could provide further use to his descending friend and it him that sense of self that he had been missing for some years now. Dean had greeted him with a friendly hand on his shoulder and a warm welcome at coming back home that did something to Cas' chest. A good something, Cas decided. It was pleasant meeting the infamous Charlie Bradbury, so similar to Dean in many ways, but with a warmer and more innocent view on things that Cas appreciated.

It was the first time in years that all of them had been able to hang around a table, smiling, laughing, and actually enjoying each other's company.

"What are you still doing up?" Cas turned to see Charlie standing in the doorway of the library, wearing Star Wars pajamas and a glass of milk in her hand.

"I am an angel. I do not need to sleep." He commented in monotone, but then titled his head, destroying the impression of a stony demeanor. "Why are you still doing up?"

She shrugged and moved further inside, closer to him. "I'm more of a night person. Playing video games until well into the morning." Her smile was bright and Cas felt himself give a small smile in response. "Well, since we're both up, do you mind if I keep you company?"

"I do not."

Her smile widened, and it was a nice change to have someone respond so positively to his statements. He knew Dean and Sam enjoyed his presence his as well, but so often the two were so burdened with their own lives that they often didn't both to soften their expressions when speaking to their angel friend.

"Mind sitting down with me? It's kind of weird me sitting and you just standing there."

"I apologize." He sat beside her at the broad table.

"So," she started almost as soon as he sat. "Since we're best friends now and all," Cas was still confused as to how they had become best friends (surely healing couldn't be the only factor), but she was adamant about the fact and he didn't feel the need to resist. "I was wondering if I could ask a few questions that have been on my mind."

"I suppose."

"Right." She seemed nervous, which was not a personality trait that Cas figured she expressed often, but waited until it passed. "Well, you see, there are books…"

"The Supernatural books by Chuck," he guessed.

"Right. And well, those books write certain situations and characters, you guys, in a certain light." He titled his head, waiting for her to explain more clearly. When Metatron had downloaded different literary texts and pop references, the Supernatural books were added as well, though Cas found very little need for them. What he needed to know, he lived through, and any other information gleamed through those books would only anger Dean. "For example, yours and Dean's relationship."

He narrowed his eyes in thought. "Dean and I do share a profound bond."

"Yes, I know that. What I want to know is why you never tried to make it anything more." Her courage had obviously come to her. There was a determination about her that Cas couldn't find the reason for, but admired all the same.

"What do you mean?"

"Anyone who reads the books, and anyone who has seen of you two together, can see that you're meant to be something more."

"I do not understand. How can Dean and I be more?" Dean was already the most important being in his existence, how was he supposed to mean more than that?

Charlie's expression was shocked at his confusion, finding his innocence adorable. "Like boyfriends. Together together. Do you know what I'm saying?"

It took a while for Cas to respond, trying to truly decipher and process. "As in a sexual relationship?"

A blush crossed her cheeks at his bluntness, but went forward anyways. "Yea, a 'I am head over heels for you, completely in love with you, gave up Heaven for you because I couldn't live without you' kind of relationship. Real mushy mushy."

"Because Dean does not want that type of relationship."

"Bullshit."

"What?"

"I said bullshit. Dean and I already had this conversation. I don't think he thinks I remember, but I totally do, and now that I've met you and seen the way you two look at each other, I've made it one of missions to get to bottom as to why you haven't done anything."

"Done anything?" For the most part Cas was following her train of though. After being human and being around humans for so long, he understood what she wanted to know. However, what he was having a problem with was what she expected him to have done.

She sighed in exasperation. "When did you first realize that you loved Dean?"

That was an interesting question, and one that no one had ever asked before. Plenty of people and things knew without a doubt of the angel's feelings for the hunter, but no one seemed to ever care what that love was actually like.

He looked at her, staring into bright eyes. A part of him wanted to refuse to talk about it. These feelings were his burdens and no one else's, and they were feelings that would never turn into reality. Not because he didn't love Dean, and certainly not because Dean didn't love him (because he could feel Dean's longing for himself), but because it wasn't something that would work. Their relationship was hard enough to work with now.

Still, he debated internally. Sam was consistently saying that it was healthy to get things off his chest, rather than following Dean's regressed way of doing things. He would have talked to Sam about it, but the one time he had tried, Dean had interrupted them and then yelled at Cas for saying such things aloud, especially to his little brother. So maybe he could tell things to Charlie. She did, after all, claim to be best friends.

"When I became human, I suppose." Being human had unleashed all the raw emotions that as an angel he hadn't been capable of reaching. Not to say that he hadn't felt as an angel, because he had; he just hadn't felt as intensely. So it wasn't until those intense emotions revealed themselves, along with human, body reactions connected to them, that Cas realized exactly what type of bond he wanted with the hunter he had saved from Hell.

"Really?" Most believed that Cas feel in love with Dean long ago, and maybe he had, but it was more complicated than that. "You weren't in love with Dean when you saved him from Zachariah?"

"Dean was my charge at that time. He was my friend. I admired him more than anyone I had ever known, even over my brothers and sisters," which had been inner struggle at the time, "and I was attracted to his soul. But I did not 'love' him as you would say."

"What about during the apocalypse? You and Dean got really close during that time."

Cas nodded, and he even understood why she would make it a point to emphasize that time. It was during the apocalypse that Cas had begun to feel Dean's longing. Back then he hadn't understood why Dean was praying to him with his emotions, but it had been distracting. And it had been warm, despite the polar opposite reactions Dean actually showed. "I admit that our bond was strengthened at that time, and Dean did become one of my favorite beings." Charlie smiled at that. "We were brothers-in-arms. Family."

Admittedly, while the apocalypse itself wasn't something Cas would ever want to get back to, he did miss the relationship he had with Dean back then. It was during that time that their relationship was at its purest form. When everything between them, at least, was good and there was no doubt of their trust and loyalty to one another. Back when, while Sam was off making mistakes and trying to redeem himself, Dean had learned to lean on Cas and Cas had accepted that gladly.

"What about…?"

Her hesitation was what led Cas to his understanding of what she meant to say. "What about when I was working with Crowley?" He asked hollowly. Even now, after trying so hard to make things right, thinking back to that time hurt. That was when everything went wrong, and worst yet, it was something he did himself. True, not everything that had happened afterwards was his fault, but his troubles now could be traced back to then. She nodded, and he sighed. "I thought I was doing what was right. I was unwillingly to let Raphael release Lucifer and Michael again and start the apocalypse, and doing what I did was all that I could come up with at the time."

There had been a time when Cas was almost about to tell Dean what he was planning to do. He had wanted so bad to explain why he had done certain things, and ask for help for with the struggles that were plaguing him. However, in the beginning he wasn't willing to ask Dean to leave the peace he had managed to find. Then, when Dean had undoubtedly returned to the hunter's life, their relationship had become so strained that Cas couldn't find the ability the form the words. That, and Dean rarely allowed the chance for Cas to find those words.

"I realize now I had made a terrible mistake. And I have been attempting to redeem myself since then." Had been trying to redeem himself to Dean. "But I died, and then I became Emmanuel, and then crazy." Cas remembered that time well now that he was angel, but it was a weird state of being. Certainly not himself, and that had ruined everything all the more.

"But then there was purgatory," Charlie argued, and Cas wondered just how much Dean had told. Did he reveal everything about purgatory?

"Yes. There was purgatory." Which had Benny along with it, unfortunately. Though, without Benny, Cas had to admit, Dean wouldn't have been able to escape.

"Dean thinks you abandoned him by not choosing to leave with him."

"Yes, he told me as such." And he did understand. Dean had abandonment issues to begin with, and Cas had only made them worse. However, staying hadn't been a decision made lightly. It was to be his penance, because he knew nothing he ever did could make up for what he had done. At least if he stayed in Purgatory and made sure Dean got out, he could no longer do any harm. "It had not been my intention. Anyways, when I did came back," against his will, "I made it my mission to do right, to fix my wrongs." Which unfortunately led to Naomi, not that he could have ever fought her off anyways. "Naomi ruined that for me." And Dean had ruined it too, Cas thought bitterly, momentarily. For not realizing that Cas hadn't always been himself, and that he had needed Dean to save him.

Granted, Dean did save him in the end. He had called out to Cas while he was under Naomi's mind control, claiming that he needed Cas. Had prayed unintentionally that he loved Cas, and it had allowed him to break the chains of Naomi.

"We all made mistakes." Naomi had thought she was doing right. Cas had run away. Dean had repressed into himself once again. "And those mistakes carried weight to them." Like when Dean refused to forgive when Cas did finally come back, and the hunter went back to his old threats of them being done.

"When I fell and became human, I was thankful to learn that Dean had forgiven me. When I first heard his voice after falling, my heart skipped a beat and I felt safe for no apparent reason. It was the hope that I would soon see him that kept me alive those weeks that I was homeless and hungry and human. But then I did see him, and he told me that I had to leave."

It was worst moment of his life, or at least it had felt like it. It didn't matter all the hell he had actually gone through before, being told by the man in front of him that he wasn't allowed to stay had destroyed him. Had left him hollow.

"I know why he did it, and I do not blame him." He might have blamed him a little, but Cas would never admit it aloud, and he would hold it against Dean for putting his brother before any other. "But it still hurt. It certainly wasn't made better when Dean accepted the Mark."

Which was where they were now. With Cas knowing his feelings and having the ability to do something about it. He still loved the hunter more than anything, made only stronger by their original profound bond and sense of family and brothers-in-arms. However, Dean was going dark-side. His soul was dimming. The light in his eyes was dying.

All those years that Cas might have been able to do something about his and Dean's relationship, Cas hadn't truly understood what type of relationship he actually wanted. It was always enough to just be by the hunter's side. It was bad enough to have to carry the weight of Dean's distrust, or hurt, or anger, or any other emotion the hunter felt towards him. Now that Cas did understand, Dean wasn't in a place to accept it.

For a moment, Cas wondered what Dean would do if Cas confessed. He knew that the hunter was aware of the feelings the angel had for him, but maybe it would make a difference if it was said aloud.

"I think you should tell him." Charlie commented softly, seeming to have been able to read his expression, despite how hard that could sometimes be.

Pause. Silence. Then Cas shook his head. "No. It wouldn't change the situation. Dean would still be at the mercy of the Mark and I would still be useless in helping him get rid of it. Feelings do not empower Dean," Cas concluded, "they tend to make him anxious and scattered, and I do not believe he can handle anything more at the moment."

Maybe after Dean was cured, Cas decided. Then he could get that something more.