"i don't understand why you don't just tell him."

"Yes, because blatantly going up to your brother-"

"Step-brother. Less creepy."

"-and saying 'Hey! Guess what! I'd like to bonk you hard, right into the mattress, until the bed breaks under the pressure of me screwing you so hard' is a brilliant idea."

"… that sounds kinda fun."

"You're disgusting."

Buford's heavy guffaw of a laugh made Ferb rolled his eyes as he swallowed another few mouthfuls of his lukewarm coffee before returning it back to the saucer and glaring at the other. Sometimes he wanted to deck his best friend, most the time with the aid of a cricket bat or hammer, occasionally with a chainsaw, but the bellowing laughter that came from him when Buford was amused always made him smile. Even just a little.

"But seriously Buford, I can't tell him. It'd be awkward."

"How?"

"We still share a room. And live in the same house. And our parents are kind of married."

"So"

"Did your mother drop you when you were a baby?"

"Relevance," Buford sighed, flicking his hand in dismissal. "You should tell him."

"I just-"

"Or Candace will."

"… what?"

Buford flashed him a bright grin and downed the last of his coke before rising to his feet and throwing a ten dollar bill down in front of Ferb. "I may have let it slip that time she forced me to go shopping with her."

"You-"

"Payback for making me go shopping with your insane sister, bitch."

Ferb couldn't get anything else out before his friend was out the door, the bell about it dinging as he was left there with a wide mouth and a horrible sinking feeling in his guts.

…

"So?"

"So what?"

"Don't play stupid."

"You lied to me."

"Hm?"

"Candace didn't know."

Buford just grinned at him, making Ferb wrinkle his nose as chocolate cake covered teeth were flashed in his direction. The thought of 'you're disgusting' came to mind, but he'd already said that a couple of days ago. New insults every time they met up, it was a rule. An unspoken stupid rule, but one at that.

"You're vile."

"Still that same. Using synonyms doesn't change the insult."

"When did you get smart?"

"When did you lose a spine?"

That kinda hurt a bit, and Ferb felt himself flinch. Buford sighed across from him and placed the overly-gigantic piece of cake heaped on a fork, why the hell he was being polite when he ate like a pig was a mystery, down before lacing his fingers together. Ferb felt himself squirm under the intimidating blue eyed stare sent his way as Buford looked him up and down.

"So, Bean Pole McGee, why haven't you told him? I gave you the perfect opportunity."

"Making me freak out because my sister was going to spill the beans and he'd receive second hand information was not the perfect opportunity."

"Well, it'd work for me."

"You're as subtle as a sledgehammer."

Buford just laughed, returning to shoveling cake in his mouth. Ferb didn't like the thoughtful look in his eyes.

…

"Make that a jackhammer."

"What!"

"Buford, shoving us in a cupboard and demanding we have sex so as to 'remove that annoying hardness from Ferb's mayonnaise producer' is not what I'd call subtle."

"Well, you almost made out didn't you?"

Ferb blushed right to the tips of his ears, refusing to look a smug Buford in the eye as he got up to order their drinks. He knew he should have replied with some smart comeback, but for once he was both stumped and too embarrass to retort. The idea of shoving some iced chocolate and three muffins down Buford's throat on the other hand…

"I want the pancakes!"

"It's like midnight Buford! What the hell!"

"I have an appetite."

"Moron."

Make that iced chocolate, three muffins and a batch of pancakes Ferb managed to nick a few pieces of that were to be shoved down Buford's throat. And after that Ferb was content with the overly bloated and ready to burst idiot sitting in front of him seemingly content with himself.

"Why don't you just kiss him? See what he does?"

"Don't you think I've tried?"

"Well considering you're not going at it like bitches in heat, or humping like rabbits, of having overly grand and kinky sex in the back of movie theaters, plus the lack of dodgy BDSM, I'd say no."

"You're one disturbed man."

"Says the one who doesn't understand how to shove a tongue down someones throat."

"Just because I'm classy."

The way Buford snorted and inhaled iced chocolate up his nose that lead to an intense round of choking and coughing made Ferb smirk in sadistic delight.

…

"Missed it by that much!"

"Shut up Buford."

"Oh come on! You're telling me to shut up? I wish I'd seen it."

"Why? It's not that impressive."

"Phineas slapping anyone is impressive!"

Ferb rolled his eyes as they sat down at their table for the fourth time that week, before he glared at Buford who was looking a bit too overly happy as donut after donut went down his throat. Honestly, a few years ago it would've been obvious where he kept the food but now after thinning out it had turned into one of life's greatest mysteries.

"You know you're a dick right?"

"The dick who just so happened to 'accidentally' get you hooked up with Phin."

"You stood there and shouted down the street that 'Ferb wants to have mad kinky BDSM sex with you!' while my parents were talking to him."

"They laughed."

"Phineas didn't."

"No, he kissed you. And supposedly slapped you for not telling him sooner."

"If it makes you happy, Candace got pictures."

Buford visibly brightened up at that and reached over to grab Ferb's phone, firing off a few texts to Candace until he got a few replied on his own phone. It only took a minute of Buford scanning pictures of Phineas indeed throwing an open hand ad Ferb's face before he was grinning a wolfish grin.

"Told you he was into BDSM."

"What is with your obsession with that lately? Not complaining really, better than the whole 'kinky sex with men dressed as leprechauns' thing, and the whole 'wonder what a unicorn horn up the butt would feel like', bit still."

"Sex is never the question, its always the answer?"

"Imbecile."

"Oooh fancy."

Ferb rolled his eyes and gave a small laugh at Buford's indignified face. He pretended not to catch the way Buford's eyes softened when looking at the grinning teen across from him, it had been a long time since Ferb laughed genuinely. Flicking the other a bright smile again, he slowly go to his feet and dropped a kiss on Buford's cheek.

"I'll go play with my new boyfriend, Mum."

"Protection is key. Condoms are in my car. Don't mind the leprechaun porn beside it."

"I thought you were over that!"

"I never thought you'd be into BDSM."

"Freak."

"Weirdo."

"Suck my cock."

"Thats Phineas' job."

Ferb was torn between blushing and laughing at Buford's perverted laughing ringing behind him as he left.