How to Love in High School

Summary: (Re-vamped!) He was the embodiment of sexy wrapped in loosely fitting black, and a terrible haircut. Too bad he wasn't gay. Sasunaru. (another)highschool!AU.

A/N: Greetings, ladies and gents to the revised version of How to Love in High School. It's bigger, badder, and gayer. Buckle your seatbelts.

Side note: Chapters are smaller for quicker updating and for less confusion. Bigger chapters throw my mental notes to shit.

Side-side note: I have been schooled. Thank you Guest.

Side-side-side note: Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Remember, I like your ass.

Chapter 1: Sexy

He was the embodiment of sexy wrapped in loosely fitting black, and a terrible haircut. Skin and bones and a miserable frown with ugly bags under dark eyes, and a slouch that put a camel to shame. Shoulders pointy, sharp enough to cut paper, sagged and drooped, and limp arms swung like broken pendulums back and forth, back and forth, rhythmically, mesmerizingly. A mean look in those eyes, darker than black, practically gave off the kind of aura that wilted flowers and made babies cry. A presence so mean, so awful, that people parted like the sea did with Noah, scared of the unearthly power. It was horrible, the kind of energy this guy was emitting, the kind that should've pissed him off, but it did nothing to put off the funny feelings in his stomach. It was like there was a rave going on, and he wasn't invited to the party.

Tall, scrawny as a stick, legs that went for miles, hands good enough to put on an advertisement, that prominent kind of nose poets praised, and thin lips that looked just as pale as the rest of him taunted him. He couldn't even get mad at the failure of a hair style that the guy thought looked good. What did he think he was? Japanese? How the hell did he even get it to stay like that? The amount of hair gel and spray should be pinning him to the ground, not looking light and fluffy and silky like the movie stars.

The bad thing was it looked good on him, in that weird kind of way. Like, only he was able to pull it off and not look like ridiculous. It pissed him off, more so than the attitude, and that in itself pissed him off even more because there was no reason for him to be pissed off. So, he was stuck in some kind of Twilight Zone cycle, over and over, nonstop. He was so pissed at being pissed, that he had to urge to march up to this prick and dump water over that stupid haircut. He was pretty sure if he did that some other universe will come crashing out. So much freaking hair gel! God, he shouldn't even be looking in such detail, the guy wasn't a statue, there was nothing to look at, nothing to admire, but there he was oogling a complete stranger.

From the moment the doors opened in that dramatic way – like the movies – with the blinding light giving that urethral glow, everyone in the room stopped what they were doing. Except, it was the school's hallway, in the morning, when everyone was getting their shit together before class started. Didn't help it was the first day and everyone was buzzing off of that new school year high. He would have laughed at the way everyone's head had turned, synchronized like those Olympic swimmers, and collectively gasp at the new kid. No one looked that different, that foreign, and looked good. Hell, no one looked that good on a regular day, like a super model, without even trying. And that was just it, the guy looked like he was forced out of bed, forced to go to school, and forced to spend his day doing something he obviously didn't like. It pissed him off even more that he was stuck like everyone else. Him, Naruto Uzumaki, school class clown who didn't give a shit what he did.

Now, he wasn't the kind of guy that if he saw an attractive dude, he wouldn't say that particular man wasn't good looking in fear of seeming "gay." He was confident enough in his own sexuality, which was straight, and that he could look at another dick and not feel a thing. He was pretty sure he liked boobs, being on the soccer team put you around a lot of testosterone, and the amount of dick shots he got was enough to fill three calendars.

So, basing it with four years of penis to back it up, Naruto was pretty straight on his sexual orientation (no pun intended). But seeing the new kid, all freaky sexy, made him think things that no straight man ever thought, and that scared the shit out of him. If he did swing that way, play for that team, preferred the hotdog over the bun, then this was like the icing on the metaphorical cake. This would be like a gift sent from heaven for the good work he has done. Too bad he wasn't gay. Not that he was gay, just that if he was, he would thank the Lord every night.

The new kid walked past him, all miserable and whatnot, and barely noticed (or didn't care) all the people gawking at him. They all probably looked stupid, wide-eyed and gaping mouth – like fishes. A big joke and they were the punch line. Son of a bitch probably thought they were all unworthy of his time, the kind of "holier than thou" upturn of a pointy chin, that made him snap his mouth shut like a bear trap. His head still followed though, magnetized, and didn't look away until the guy turned the corner. He snapped back, like he was under a trance, and blinked a couple of times to wonder what the fuck happened. Took him a moment to feel the hand shaking his shoulder, shaking him out of his stupor, and the words process in his stalling brain.

"Naruto, did you see the new kid?"

He wanted to roll his eyes and scream, "no duh," but his tongue left his body an hour ago. Packed its bags and left heading to 'New Kidia,' ready for a fresh start. He heard it was nice there, all pale plains with a great view, but damn near impossible to get to.

"Holy shit, man. Did you see that haircut? What the hell died and crawled on his head?"

Naruto opened his mouth, and shook his head slowly. What did Kiba say? Something about a duck's butt? Fuck if he knew. He was busy trying to delete the pictures of the new kid flipping through his mind like an old movie. There was no way he'll be able to pass the day normally, his psyche jacked up, and it was all thanks to the bastard. He'll have to go home and reevaluate his life, ask himself why he was there, and jack off to women being rammed by sweaty dicks. Goddammit, was Iruka going to be home early today? He hoped not, his sexuality was on the verge of bursting into rainbows.

See? He was already sexually frustrated and on the verge of a teenage angst crisis.

"How much gel did he use?I could stick him to the side of a building like a post-it note."

"I could stick something else in him."

Kiba reeled back, confused, and cleaned out his ear. "What?"

"What?"

"I could have sworn you said…"

"What's his name?"

Kiba sneered and crossed his arms. "If I knew I wouldn't be asking, stupid."

Naruto grabbed his phone and checked the time: ten to seven. He had about five minutes to either a) find out the new kid's name, b) pull up some quick porn and masturbate in the gym locker room bathroom, or c) pour bleach through his ears. Options a and c kept popping up in his mind, a more than c, and that made it easier to choose as he headed for the janitor's closet. Kiba, catching up with a light jog, asked him what he was doing to which he replied with a grunt. There was no way he was going to survive this year, he was pretty sure the new kid was his age (look at that jaw), so the possibility of them being in the same class shot through the roof.

He saw the movies, he saw the shows, he read the books, knew the cliché high school romance and how it went. He would walk into the classroom, he would see the object of his affections, they would end up being in a project together, and then shit would just hit the ceiling. And not the dry kind of shit that you had to rip your asshole getting the turd out. He was talking about the nasty diarrhea from eating three days old chili, and splattering all over the place like paint.

So, to save himself from the sunset ending and hormonal tears, he would commit honorable suicide like the samurais did in the kung fu movies. He would be remembered as Naruto: The Nine Fox Ninja with the killer skills. The ceremony will be beautiful, he had faith in Kiba.

"Remember me fondly," Naruto muttered, grabbing the janitor door's doorknob and yanked it. Seeing it was locked and wouldn't budge unless he bodily rammed himself into it, Naruto inwardly sobbed in misery at his luck. He wasn't surprised, however, he was born with the worst kind of karma. Whatever he did in his past life must have been really terrible. He owed it to himself to be the nicest guy for the next because this was bullshit.

"Naruto, what're doing?"

Naruto, for good measure, pulled the knob once more to see if his luck changed. He would've screamed if Kiba was there, but his reputation preceded him, so instead he twitched, smiled and jabbed his thumb at the door.

"Want to show the new kid a warm welcome?"

And all he thought as he watched his friend smile the kind of smile that made him wonder if Kiba will go bald, was how bad this was going to bite him in the ass later.

"Aw, yeah. What're you planning?"

He faltered, not exactly knowing what to say (or think), and verbally puked the first thing in his mind. "Stink bomb?"

Kiba cackled evilly, the metaphorical thunder cracking in the background, and rubbed his hands together in that creepy stalker way. "Oh, yes. Naruto, you evil man. Already the first day and you're bringing out the big boys." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

Naruto shrugged and smiled playing the cool and suave guy he was, but ripping his hair on the inside. What the fuck was he saying? Really, a stink bomb? The kind of shit that stuck for days, and wouldn't leave unless you skinned yourself? What the fuck was wrong with him? Was this some kind of punishment? Didn't boys pick on the girls they liked to get their attention? Someone please stop him before he dug himself deeper. He was never good under pressure. "Yeah, I guess I decided to do things differently today," and he chuckled because he had that kind of swag.

Kiba grinned and clapped him on the shoulder, eyes crinkled, fangs bared. "That's my man. For a second, I thought being seniors would make you a prissy bitch. I was prepared to bust out the rocking chair."

Naruto was ready to bust out the gun and pull the trigger. "Ha, ha, fuck you." And while that statement was entirely meant to insult, pertaining to Kiba, his mind put "fuck" and "new kid" in the same sentence mentally. And for that he wanted to grabbed the nearest pole and jab it up his ass. This was just not turning out to be his day, was it? But wait! The door was locked wasn't it? And he didn't have any paper clips on him, so he couldn't pick the door either. So, really, in the end he was saved by the one thing that he despised. The world worked in beautiful and strange ways sometimes. He jerked his head to the door and stuffed his hands in his pockets to fiddle with his house keys. "Too bad the door's locked, though. Maybe some other time?"

"You kidding?" Kiba laughed, fishing through his pockets, jingling the coins, keys, and wallet all stuffed in there. "To think I wouldn't come prepared on the first day of school?" And voila, Kiba pulled out a shiny new paper clip in its cheap glory. Naruto laughed loudly in what looked like good mirth, but really barely contained hysteria. Of all the people to have the one thing, the one thing that would ruin everything, the same guy who couldn't find his own ass if he wanted to, had it. Conflicted between throwing himself out the window, or taking that paper clip and swallowing it, Naruto grabbed the paper clip and shuffled close to the doorknob. He looked back and forth, Kiba casually looking for staff, and slid it in.

"Funny how you had this," Naruto whispered. "The same guy who couldn't even remember his pants."

Kiba huffed and crossed his arms smirking. "It's the small things that count." Which was a big lie because this "small thing" was digging him an early grave. Wasn't so small now, was it?

He snorted and pivoted the paper clip, twisting it here and there, waiting for the resounding click. If he was with anyone else he could have played it off saying the lock was too complicated to pick. It wasn't like the kids in here actually knew how to decently (and quickly) pick a lock in record time. The worst they did was steal and smoke pot. None of them really lived the life Naruto did, what he went through, and would have taken his lie with ease. But Kiba knew where he came from, what he was, and the kind of street smarts he had. It was easier playing dumb to mask his past, easier to forget, and healthier for everyone. It was his choice, unfortunately under detrimental circumstances, to change the path he was going down.

He didn't regret it, he never would, but he did regret the things that happened to make him get there. It still pisses him off at the little shit he was, how he treated the people that cared for him, but it was water under the bridge. So, he couldn't bluff with the lock, even if he really couldn't unlock it, because Kiba knew how to pick locks too. Naruto was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he thought exactly what kind of "hard place" he was caught in. His hand jerked, bending the paper clip, and got it stuck. He tugged on it, yanked and jerked to pull it out, and smiled at his good fortune. Maybe there was a God. Frowning in pseudo-frustration, Naruto "psst-ed" and jerked his head to his hands. "I think it's stuck."

Kiba frowned and looked around again. Bending down he shifted places with Naruto and grabbed the thin metal, pulled on it, and huffed. Naruto looked up and down the hallway and checked his phone: fifteen to seven. The corridor was empty except for the occasional late student, and scratched his neck. Since when did the warning bell go off? He didn't even hear it. Kiba hissed and yanked his hand back, flicking the pain away. Naruto glanced out of the corner of his eye and slipped his phone back into his pocket. "Told you."

Kiba checked his fingers and grimaced at the red indentation. "How the fuck did you do that?"

"I dunno," he shrugged, dancing on the inside, "it just happened."

Kiba muttered and looked over his shoulder. "Well, that was the only clip I had," he whispered. "We'll have to think of something else."

"No problem," Naruto reassured, clapping Kiba's shoulder. "We can think of something during lunch," and by that time he was sure his friend's attention span will make him forget in no time. Naruto was so happy he could dance. Looks like his screw up won't screw him in the ass after all. He softened at the disappointed frown and pursed his lips. "Look, we can always get someone else," he offered. "It doesn't have to be the new kid."

"But it's tradition," Kiba whined.

Shit, Naruto thought, he was right. Usually, when a new kid turned around, they would mess with whoever it was for kicks and giggles. It was a dick move, he knew that, but he ran out of fucks to give. He wasn't going to lie, he enjoyed pulling pranks, always did as a kid, having the laughter and seeing the reaction. He prided himself on his tricks. Their pranks were clean, never made to hurt anyone – they fully agreed on that – the worst being the stink bomb. The baddest reaction they received was a freshman crying.

To their credit they felt like shit afterwards fully knowing it was wrong to pick on a freshman girl. The week long detention and chewing from Iruka was punishment enough to never do that again, but it still gave him free reign on the others. Boys were freestyle, all grades acceptable, and while some people may see it as sexist, they were gentleman through and through. No clique was discriminated against, the nerds, jocks, music geeks, drama club, miscellaneous hoppers that were friends with more than one group, all were attacked at one point by their games. They did it so much, did it so often, that everyone expected each year for their big prank on either a new kid, or on a certain clique.

Yeah, they got into a lot of fights because of it, both parties making up excuses (they had dirt on everyone), and rarely got caught because of it. ISS for a week was from his freshman year (he made the mistake of going into the girls' locker room and filling their lockers with bugs). While it was widely appreciated amongst his fellow male classmates, it did not abode well by the principal, or Iruka (he could still feel the handprints). They built a name for themselves, both good and bad (more so bad), and Naruto knew they had to pull something. The last thing he needed was the jocks seeing his slack and using it for ammunition. Muscle-headed idiots always gave them the biggest problem, all those steroids fucking their brains, and thought it was funny to try and bully him. He nipped that in the bud from freshman year with that nasty fight with the asshole that had the bad hair dye (really, white?). While it didn't exactly stop their pettiness, it toned down their snipes compared to, for example, Lee Rock. Poor kid didn't even know what was said behind his back.

He remembered in his sophomore year being pissed for some reason – he couldn't remember – and heard the bullshit. Something about looking like fag, or something, and he just snapped. Got into a nasty argument with some douche, got in the guy's face, was about to throw down, when Lee (surprise, surprise) pulled him back. Lee thanked him for sticking up for him, saying how he didn't have to, but told him he could take care of himself. He was embarrassed, but he gained a friend. Unfortunately, it only made the comments worse, and Naruto being the stubborn guy he was still chewed the bastards out. It never got to that one point again, though. He sometimes wondered if Lee really didn't hear the smack talked behind his back, or decided to ignore it, and if he really thought all of that green was socially acceptable.

He shifted on his feet in panic. Kiba was right, it was tradition, and because it was tradition Naruto was royally fucked. What was he going to do?

Beta'd by your mom (I'm just kidding).