Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.
Physical release has always made me feel something other than pain. The pain from being the unwanted child, the mistake, the half breed, screw up, that is an everyday reminder of my mother's infidelties. My mother and her husband (he wasn't my father and wouldn't appreciate being called that) are both caucasion, brown hair and hazel eyes. My brother and sister have inheritated those obvious traits. I am the result of my mother's affair with our Cuban neighbor. Everyone knew it, the entire neighboorhood could not stop talking about it. The older I got, the more Cuban and unacceptable I looked. My mother did not look at me, my mother's husband only would call me "boy". I wondered my entire life,why I was kept, why I was named Ricardo Carlos, when they could have just named me Richard and at least had an illusion of my belonging.
I threw myself into sports, I love baseball, I am good at baseball. Hell, I was amazing at baseball, until I discovered that no one cared how good at it I was, that excelling at something, would bring unneeded attention to myself and embaressement to the family.
The older I became, the more family I craved. I found it with the gang, they accepted me, took care of me and demanded the loyalty I was hungry and ready to give. I made great muscle, point me to the direction and I would kick anyones ass and finish the business, because that is what I can do. Years into it, I became the leader, the one in charge, the one that everyone followed without question. I always have been able to make things happen. When things go too deep and the authorities were brought in, my options were jail or army. I couldn't imagine spending any time in jail, like a rat in the cage. So, the army won. That gave me a purpose, a mental clarity, I never thought possible, a purpose I never knew I was missing. I became a machine, every move I made was made out of necessity, I was/am the best. I met men that will forever be my brothers. I was trusted and respected in ways I always dreamed of.
That brings me back to the present. I am punching the bag, trying to punch my way through this pain, the pain that is eating me alive. I don't know how to talk to Stephanie, what she needs from me, I have never known. My heart loves, I know that. I don't know how to use the words. I show her in everything I do for her, that I love her. But I know she wants the words.
I am not a dumb man, I know the effect my looks have on women. Never been short of company in my bed. But i have only been good enough in the dark. No one has wanted to love me in the clear light of day. Steph is that woman. Now as long as I am not too far gone that she walks a way. As long as my confessions don't make her run a way.
She is used to loving family dinners and Christmas morning. How would she react to know that it has been ten years since I have laid eyes on my mother. And that is the way we all prefer. As much as her mother nags, it is still done out of love. How can I tell her that my own mother sees something in me that is not fit to love? How can she love me then? Will that cause her to walk away.
I wipe my head with a towel and see Tank looking at me. I need to be more aware of my surroundings- ironic.
Tank " Are you ready to talk to her now, she is up on 7th waiting? You know it is time. Carlos, if you walk from this, you will never let yourself get this close again. You are more than Ranger and you are starting to forget that."
"I know, I know, I need to let her in. I just don't want to see the pity when I tell her"
Tank "Man, ya know we all have always felt for you, that isn't pity. That is family"
And he walks out of the gym. Family... maybe I am ready to add Stephanie to the family I have created.
I take the stairs to the 7th floor-stalling. I open the door and there she is, beautiful, nursing a beer.
"Babe, I need to talk to you" I sit down at her shocked look.
I need to tell you about a boy, who was never loved, and who doesn't know how to be loved as a man...
TBC
Need ideas on where I should continue Ranger's story.,.