When Feelings Are Repressed
Summary: The typical slash story but told in my style&way. Draco begins to suffer from anxiety attacks and dreams about a certain brunet young man that he's known since he was eleven. As things get worse with Draco [i.e., self-mutilation, Harry Potter notices the change in his rival's attitude and becomes curious. Things lead to one another and soon a new friendship is created. And soon a love is created…
Prologue: What You Haven't Done
His heart began to beat in an unbelievable speed as tan strong arms wrapped around his slim pale waist; his silver-grey orbs closed in defeat with his cheeks flushed pink. Draco Malfoy did not want this to end. But he already knew what was going to happen.
It would end. Just like always. His mind began to race along with his heart when the taller and much stockier young man pressed his lips to his trembling ones. It was so heartbreaking to feel like this.
Draco ran his pale fingers through the dark brown almost black hair that fell upon his heated chest. The thinner one, Draco, felt his eyes fill up with a large amount of tears. They connected with bright emerald eyes, bringing realization to him. They, Draco and Harry "The-Boy-Who-Bloody-Lived", can never be a 'we'.
The realization seeped into his mind, breaking his heart into an uncountable number of pieces. Then, finally, it ended. The final rush came when another kiss was created between each other, bringing a jolt of electricity into their body. The dream, the one dream Draco had almost every day, once again ended.
But right before it ended, he felt the Dream Golden Boy caress his lips with his hand, as if he actually loved Draco.
I love you… Harry Potter.
--
Draco woke up, his entire body and bedspread covered in a light layer of perspiration. In a minute of pure attacking despair, Draco screamed while he covered his mouth with his pillow, not wanting his friends to see or hear him like this. Unrequited love can be a damn bitch. Finally seeing that the tears from the dream were reality, he cursed silently and wiped his tears away. Covering his sweating paler than usual face, he heard a quiet voice say his name which he counted as Blaise Zabini's voice.
"Draco?" Blaise said while he slowly opened the curtain surrounding Draco's bed.
"What do you want?!" Draco, suddenly angry from being seen in a way he hated, snapped at his roommate.
"I was just wondering if you were okay, Draco. You were tossing and turning when you were sleeping," Blaise said, slowly creeping away from the smaller angry young man. "I'm sorry. You'll… be late of breakfast." Blaise stepped away from the curtain, letting it fall back into place.
"Wait. Hey, I'm sorry," Draco surprisingly apologized. Blaise's dark face appeared again, a smug grin etched on his face.
"Wait, wait, back up. Did the oneandonlyDraco Malfoy just apologize to me?" Blaise's teasing grin became bigger and bigger by the second when he saw Draco's face contort into a hateful glare which ended in turning into a frown. Blaise, noticing his friend's sudden change of emotions, he asked, "But… uh… are you really okay? Are you having nightmares or something?"
Draco laughed, biting his lips in the process, and replied back with, "Something like a nightmare." He looked back up to this friend and gave a mournful smile and swung his legs over to the side. Blaise, seeing that his friend wanted the conversation to end there, nodded and left the room quickly.
Before he left, Blaise sang out in a sing-song voice saying, "Draco Malfoy apologized to me," repeatedly. Draco shook his head, clearly wondering why he was friends with such an imbecile. He stood up from his bed and stretched, adding a long yawn that busted out of him. His eyes caught a look at his hands, remembering how the Dream Harry's hair felt like.
"Bloody hell, Potter. You can't see what you are doing to me," Draco whispered to no one as he breathed in and out heavily.
--
Harry Potter stared at his food in front of him, not particularly hungry for some reason. He was not paying attention to his friend's bickering at each other but instead was distracted as a newcomer walked into the Great Hall. He stared at his rival with persistent eyes that noticed the dark bags under Draco's unusually grey eyes. His eyes could not stop looking at Draco. His arch-rival looked so… drained and so out of place. His usual superior personality almost seemed to have disappeared into thin air.
The-Boy-Who-Lived watched him sit down between Blaise Zabini and Pansy Parkinson, two Slytherins that seemed to be friends with Draco. Harry calculated that Draco was getting very irritated and angry. He can tell how Draco's right eye twitched slightly and how his pale hands seem to always be running through his shoulder-length white blond hair.
Harry knew this because when Ron or anyone else ever provoked him, he would always do these two things. It seemed like that he did not even realize what he was doing. Harry leaned forward, trying to get a better view of his rival when several first-year Slytherins began to chatter and question Draco. Oh no… He's going to lose it, Harry thought.
Suddenly, Draco looked straight at Harry. The Golden Boy gulped, embarrassed from being caught. For some strange reason they left their eyes at each other. Harry lost himself in Draco's determined eyes before he realized he was blushing. He looked away quickly and pretended to be engaged in Ron's and Ginny's feisty conversation about Quidditch. Harry did not notice the change of emotion in Draco's eyes after he darted his head away…
Draco nodded at his fellow Slytherins as they spoke hello to him and slipped quietly between Pansy and Blaise. Blaise smirked at him while Pansy poked his arm softly.
"Are you okay, Draco?" asked Pansy; she too had noticed her friend's glum behavior. Many people, even relatives and friends of families, thought she had an enormous crush on Draco but really her care and concern that she gave Draco was purely friendship and sisterly love. Draco was a brother that Pansy never had, even if his emotions were a wild roller-coaster. Sometimes it was hard in being Draco's friend, though. His personality was something to like, but it was able to change so fast that Pansy was stricken and confused by it.
She always wondered why Draco was like the way he was. It didn't seem like that Draco had many friends other than Blaise and her. Maybe it was because he seemed so damn intimidating. Was it that hard to become friends with Draco?
Too be honest, his family, more likely his father, had something to do with this emotions. Pansy always disliked Lucius because of how he acted and how he was so obsessed with the Dark Lord. She could have sworn that he abused Draco. After Christmas break, she noticed the bruises, scars, and the limp in his usual saunter. She could have said something. Anything. Anything to save Draco from his destiny.
The question was: What was Draco's destiny? Was it to become a Death Eater or change sides to the Light? It frazzled Pansy because usually most Purebloods would already be planning out on how to kill Harry Potter. For some reason though, Draco never even spoke about the future.
She needed to take action, and fast. The thing is she did not know that Draco would be saved by Harry.
--
Pansy's sweet high voice entered his ears and echoed several times. Draco's body began to shake suddenly while his ears burned. After those dreams about Harry began, he started to suffer from anxiety attacks. It just added more hell into his life. He heard a faint voice saying his father's name in a proud annoying voice; probably from a first-year who obsesses over any Death Eater.
In an instant, the past ran through. The beatings he unhappily gained from his father.
Draco was only twelve years old when he was beaten by his father. He remembered it clearly. He was in his room, reading an advanced Potions book he got from Severus Snape, when his father barged in, his face flushed and blotchy. He looked at his father and smiled, wanting to ask his father if he can brew a new potion he found in his book.
His grin instantly turned into a frown when he noticed his father's odd expression and his severe panting. He also noticed that Dobby, his father's raggedy servant, was not following his tall stature but completely out of sight.
"What is the matter, Father?" Draco asked as he cocked his head to the side and stood on his knees. At that very moment of his question, Draco felt his father slap him straight across his left cheek, using his left hand. The young child winced slightly for his father wore was wearing his slightly pointy wedding ring.
With a flash, his father pinned Draco on the bed and this time, and punched him with strong strength. Lucius kneed Draco's stomach with such force Draco began to cough, choking on the pain.
"Fa….father, what's wrong?!" Draco coughed out in a thick voice that was clearly in pain.
"Be quiet!" Lucius slapped Draco's other cheek. "That damn Harry Potter will get what he deserves!" In Draco's mind, hate surged not to Lucius yet to Harry-Damn-Potter.
"He took Dobby away from me, Draco! You must never befriend that bastard!" Lucius punched Draco's chest and soon kicked his leg, ignoring the crack he made. Suddenly, moments after, Lucius stood up and sighed.
"Listen to me Draco, this is a lesson. A secret lesson; you must never tell your mother," Lucius tucked back sweaty strands of blond hair behind his ear and began to walk to the door. "Do you understand me?"
Draco, still laying on his bed, nodded deeply. He already felt the tears welling in his eyes, but he was too scared to even let them fall. "Good. Learn from this, my so."
Draco waited. He waited until his father's steps began to sound fainter and fainter. He waited. And finally…
He cried. The salty waterfalls fell down his face as his hands felt his ankle. The pain was terrible.
Draco honestly could not hate his father. It was his father. The person who created him. Draco couldn't understand how his hate for Harry Potter turned into an entirely different feeling. Love is a strange thing, isn't it? The beatings went into an uneven pattern. Soon, the young Malfoy could not count the times of the beatings.
A painful beating throbbed in his head, giving him migraine. Draco felt his eye, certain that it was his right one, twitch in a sudden matter as he ran his hands through now-damp hair.
Draco hated this feeling. He hated that he was so damn in love with Potter. It made him angry. In a way Draco hated Potter yet loved him at the same time. It sickened him, though.
Enough was enough.
He lost it. Draco completely lost it.
--
"Damn it!" Draco yelled out while he swiped his hands across his part of table, feeling glass break against his hand. Oddly, he did not scream out in pain or even wince. Even odder, was that he smiled. He didn't notice Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall until they spoke.
"Mister Malfoy! Please, do tell what is wrong," McGonagall sad in a stern voice.
"What is wrong? Bloody hell, it's Potter. Like always, it's his fault," Draco laughed. He was going really insane. Of course, Ronald Weasley heard what Draco said and defended his best friend of nearly seven years now.
"Professors, he's lying!! Harry did not do anything," Ron spoke, "Right, Harry?" Harry nodded slowly, not sure what to make of this scene. It was not a lie. He didn't do anything to make Draco burst out like this.
"Fuck," Draco whispered, knowing that McGonagall would surely hear his curse.
"Mister Malfoy! Watch your language," McGonagall was appalled. She had to admit, she felt sorry for Draco.
"Why should I?! I am like this because of that bastard, Harry Potter," Draco spat Harry's surname name like it was poison. He did not see it happen because it happened too fast. That Weasel of a friend ran his way over to Draco and punched him straight in his left eye, which made him fall to the floor from the force. He watched the bright colors flash in front of him as he heard Snape deduct an amount of points from Gryffindor because of Ron's violent action.
A female silhouette appeared above him and whispered, "Draco, go to Madame Pomfrey. Your hand is bleeding and your eye is starting to clot." Draco recognized the voice as Pansy's. He felt Pansy touch his arm, hesitant.
"Leave me alone," Draco snapped at her and quickly stood up, pushing her away from him. Ignoring the stares and glares he gained, he walked out of the Great Hall, simply not caring that he was in trouble.
"Bloody hell, Malfoy is getting more and more insane by the minute," Ron broke the silence until Hermione Granger shoved him hard. Harry was still staring at the entrance, feeling like he did something wrong.
"I'm… going to find Malfoy," Harry said in a hesitant voice, already close to the entrance. No one was able to protest because he left so fast.
"Well, that was certainly a nice way to start breakfast," Dumbledore spoke out, his eyes sparkling.
--
"God damn it," Draco cursed as he sat against a tree in front of the lake. He sighed softly. This was too much. As he ran his hands through his damp white-blond hair, he noticed that they were numb. He looked down at his hands and smiled.
Slowly, he ran his fingers over the bleeding glass-covered wound. The past flashed in his mind as he dug his nails into the cut, savoring the physical pain. He hated mental pain. He'd pick physical pain over any other kinds of pain.
Why, because physical pain can always heal unlike mental pain. He quickly stopped when he heard the crunching noises of footsteps closing onto him. He closed his eyes and waited for the person to speak.
"Malfoy?" Harry said calmly. He looked at Draco and saw how peaceful he looked even though he was hurt. Draco opened his eyes quickly and glared at the person in front of him. Why would Harry be here? Was he worried about Draco?
Why?
"What do you want?" Draco's voice cracked midway. Pull yourself together Draco, he told himself. He did not want to act this way in front of Potter.
"I did not do anything to you, Malfoy," Harry spoke quietly as he sat next to his company, a large amount of space between them.
"Of course not, Potter. It's what you haven't done that made me angry."
--
Well then. Gotta say that this is my longest chapter of a fanfic that I have ever made. If there are any spelling, grammar, or any other mistakes please message me. Thank you for reading and please look forward to the next chapter. I write very slow so please be patient. Give me one or two solid weeks (or even three) to get the next chapter down.
M