Susan the not-so-gentle.
Not many knew it, but after the "official" departure of Their Highnesses High King Peter the Magnificent, Queen Susan the Gentle, King Edmund the Just, and Queen Lucy the Valiant, Peter Pevenisie returned quite often to Narnia, to check on King Caspian X, and just, you know, keep an eye on things.
Namely, to keep an eye on King Caspian's lovely butt. Although, originally he watched from a respectable distance, claiming he returned only to ensure another disaster like the one between his last visits did not occur. He watched over Caspian as he found ministers. He aided Caspian in improving negotiations with the neighboring kingdoms. And all the time, admired the view. After all, leaning over Caspian's shoulder to read was not just to restate that he was in charge. It was nice leaning over someone like Caspian, slightly shorter, long dark hair. But of course, Peter did not just focus on soft hands and softer skin when he leaned his face over Caspian's shoulder. He actually also read the documents. Of course.
To the people of Narnia he remained a bit like a legend, since he only ever appeared in King Caspian's rooms to keep an eye on things.
And the system worked quite well. He could reasonably aim where he was going to land and what time it would be. Within reason.
Until one day he arrived to discover that he had arrived during a very special, very PRIVATE activity between Caspian and Caspian's right hand. And Peter had landed himself in Caspian's bathing chambers. Which were actually quite close to the sitting room, because there was only a wall between them. Unfortunately, the only way to escape the bathroom would be to pass through the bedroom and then go to the sitting room.
Just as he was preparing himself to escape return back to London, he heard moaning. And of course, Peter just couldn't help but look in on Caspian again, just to, you know, make sure he was alright and no assassins had snuck in or anything.
As Peter discreetly cracked the door open and scanned the room, he caught sight – again – of Caspian. Just, you know, hanging out, on his bed, a little completely naked. And Peter had actually planned to duck back into the bathroom and then leave. Promptly, as in, before he could get caught.
But then he caught sight of Caspian's eyes. And he got a little caught up in what was going on down below.
And Caspian caught Peter's eyes.
And a few months later Peter was no longer calmly going to Narnia to watch over and admire Caspian's ability as a ruler. He wasn't sneaking off, of course, it was just, you know, he really liked Caspian and Caspian really liked him, and if Susan found out it just, you know, might not be favourable in the considering of continuing such relationships.
Although Caspian was rather good at being High Consort to Peter's High King. In, just, you know, all the important things.
Of course, High King Peter the Magnificent could only take so much of normal, explicitly forbidden, sexual liaisons with the ruler of a nation in a separate world. So, he introduced High Consort Caspian (as he had begun to fondly think of him) to Aslan.
Aslan, being Susan's pet gerbil, not Aslan, the magnificent lion.
Caspian, not having access to the superior quality magazines like Peter had, had not read in Playboy's latest feature article that small wiggling objects were really great for "foreplay" Peter had tried to explain.
Either way, all Caspian knew was that when he felt close he was supposed to yell "White Witch" and then Peter would pull out Aslan and the real fun could begin.
As this sad story is about the failed secrecy of the relationship between Peter the Magnificent and Caspian X, King of Narnia, you can expect that perhaps there was a slight flaw in the plan.
True to his promise, when High Consort Caspian felt Aslan squirming around in his sensitive inner-regions, and got rather uncomfortable to the point of needing to ease his discomfiture immediately he yelled "White Witch" and began squirming like the gerbil up his ass.
Unfortunately these movements only hindered Peter's retrieval of Aslan.
Peter, in his wisdom of High King-ness, decided to follow through with something that he had learned from his ingenious fellows at boarding school, that all rodents are attracted to light (which is, in fact, false.)
Thus, Peter the Magnificent used his Magnificent prowess to light a match and hold it near his lover's rectal opening in an attempt to lure the obviously stupid Aslan out.
Aslan, being a gerbil, and being a gerbil of Susan, was obviously smarter that his Magnificence, as he, after being singed by the fire and inattentive High King, scurried back up Caspian's royal anal passageway.
And with his painfully singed whiskers, painfully singed the royal poop-tract.
And ignited a pocket of gas in the royal intestines.
The lighting of this large amount of methane caused a small explosion, solving the problem of both Caspian's discomfort in his frontal lower extremities and the retrieval of Aslan.
It did however cause some other, minor problems, such as Caspian's third degree burns which 1) the royal physicians would have been ill-equipped to treat and 2) there was no way to explain to the royal physicians how this had happened. As well as the slight problem of needing to reset Peter's broken, bleeding nose.
And the major problem: Aslan, the brave, intelligent, pet of Susan the Gentle, was dead. The force of the blast apparently killed the poor, cuddly, creature as well as propelling it out of the cannon (Caspian's waste organs) and into the closest target (Peter's olfactory regions.)
That was exactly how they explained it to Susan, too, while trying to convince her to show them how to reset Peter's nose and perhaps reconstruct the damaged tissue in the sensitive areas of Caspian.
"What the heck Susan! That hurts!" Caspian, King of all Narnia, was crying as Susan shoved her hand with burn cream up his ass.
"Susan! Don't hurt him!" High King Peter whined, in a very younger brother fashion.
"Stupid boys, serves you right. You mess with my gentle gerbil, you don't deserve any gentleness. FOR GOD'S SAKE HOLD STILL. You too, Peter, I told you not to touch your nose" Queen Susan the not so gentle muttered darkly to herself.
END