The Santa War
DISCLAIMER: I do not claim possession to, nor invention of the Touhou series, Charlie Brown, or any other of the brands talked about here in any conceivable method; this fanfic is meant for entertainment only.
I'm sorry that this didn't get put up on Christmas Eve, but I had stuff to do. But it's Christmas, still, so it still counts.
"Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about."
Reimu was relaxing after a long, hard day of relaxing, and to help with that, she caught some of The Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
"Lights, please."
"So, Reimu, who's that dude?" asked Suika.
"Well, that's Linus. He's telling us about Christmas."
"Christmas, huh? It's tomorrow?"
"Yes it is."
"I'll be staying up all night to see Santa!"
"Oh no, Suika. You shouldn't do that."
"What? Well, why not?"
"Because Santa never comes to Gensokyo."
"…how do you know that?"
"I've tried. He may exist, but he can't come through the border."
"…dammit, I'm trying anyway!" She stormed off. "I WILL see Santa!"
She left, leaving Reimu to herself.
"…I hope I'll see him, too."
And then the idea hit her. It hit her like a test car driving into a wall, or a baseball hitting a bat, or any other metaphor of the same semantic sense. She put her teacup down and looked at her signature detached sleeves, as red as they always are, and smiled.
Hey, I could be Santa! I COULD BE SANTA! I could spread cheer all around Gensokyo! All I need to do is get a beard, talk in a deep voice, and everyone in this town will be happy on Christmas Day! All the children will smile when they tell their friends that Santa came to their homes and gave them what they wanted for Christmas! And then they will all owe me shrine donations! I'LL BE RICH!
After the show was over, she made some more tea for her and Suika. She had hers outside. When she was almost done, she saw something in the sky.
"…what?"
"HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Behind the gentle snowflakes and in front of the starry night, she could see Marisa, flying on her broom with a bag of presents.
"HEY, REIMU! I SEE YOU!"
"…WHAT?!"
"SANTA CAN'T COME THROUGH THE BORDER AGAIN, SO I'M FILLING IN!"
Any other person would smile and wave back. Any other person would be so happy that even if they live in a domed hamlet, an emulated Santa can bring Christmas cheer, even if said emulated Santa is Marisa. But this isn't any other person we're talking about. We're talking about Reimu Hakurei.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!"
She shot one of her Yin-Yang Orbs at Marisa, which hit her spot on and caused her to spiral down into the bamboo forest.
She walked to the crash scene, and a fight began.
"Hey, Reimu! What gives?!"
"…I will be Santa, Marisa."
"Heh…sorry my dear, but I'm already Santa."
"…I haven't had any donations in weeks…I need this, Marisa."
"…huh?"
"THEY'LL OWE ME! Yes…they'll owe me…IN SHRINE DONATIONS! I WILL BE SANTA, AND THEY WILL GIVE ME THE MONEY AS THANKS!" She then laughed in a very convoluted fashion.
"…now, Reimu, we're friends, right?"
"…yes."
"I'll give you some food. How about that, huh? Maybe a nice week or two in my house, yeah? You wouldn't have to live in poverty!"
"Now, Marisa, we've already tried that. Your food is terrible. Your home is a disaster."
"What?! No they're not!"
"All you gave me were carrots, expired tofu, and ziti! Is that all that you eat?!"
"Well, I'm trying to watch this figure of mine!"
"And your house has way too many books, and you never even bothered to pick them up or deliver them to their owners!"
"…now, Reimu…don't be like that!"
"Where did you even get all of that stuff?!"
Meanwhile, Rinnosuke was sleeping peacefully, in his bedroom, on the other side of his now empty shop.
"My poverty ends tomorrow, Marisa. I will be Santa. Now, give me that bag."
"Sorry, no can do."
"…WHAT?!"
"Maybe a few more days of poverty will end your love of money, perhaps?"
"…THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I AM REIMU HAKUREI!"
"I'm doing this for you, love." She got her bag and flew off.
"…THIS MEANS WAR, MARISA! THIS MEANS WAR!"
She went over to Yokai Mountain, to ask Nitori for a certain favor.
"So…you want to borrow one of my ray guns, eh?"
"Yes!"
"Sure, I'll give it to you. Yeah, I'll give it to you. But, Miss Hakurei, what's about me? What will I get in return for this…transaction?"
"I have already thought of that, Nitori! I will give you SUIKA!"
"You will give me Suika?"
"Borrow, but think of all the possibilities Nitori! I am willing to give you an ONI who knows EVERYTHING about drinks! She is practically an…ALCOHOPEDIA!" Reimu had a bit of trouble coming up with the word.
"…well…I have never tried vodka…eh…deal. Now come inside my house and pick out a raygun."
"Okay, pick one."
An impressive amount of rayguns stood in front of Reimu, and they all were unique in shape and size.
"I need one that can take out a flying human on a broom, but not kill her."
"Well…then you should gander over here! The NIZ-X22 is a EMP-based weapon designed to nullify the magic of broom-flying! Your target will slowly flutter down to the ground and suffer from up to THREE hours of disuse! How about that?"
"Sure, I'll take it. Thanks, Nitori."
"Sure, Reimu. Sure…" She began to fantasize about trying all the sake flavors that she never tried.
Reimu took it outside and aimed at Marisa. As she predicted, it was effective in lowering Marisa to the forests, and rendering her unable to fly again.
"…DAMMIT REIMU!" She picked her broom up, now in splinters. "I guess I'll be going on foot, then!"
Sakuya was washing the dishes in her abode. A large window lay in front of the sink, and thanks to that, she could she the explosion from the NIZ-X22.
Hmm…I wonder what that was?
Unfortunately, Meiling came into the kitchen.
"SAKUYA! WAZZAP?!"
She put her current plate on the dish rack, and slowly rotated to the gate guard.
"…why aren't you outside?"
"Sakuya, did you see that explosion?!"
"…you mean the yellow one with the smoke?"
"YEAH! Is there another explosion that occurred recently?!"
"…well, yes, I saw it. There's a big window here."
"So do ya think that was Santa?!"
"…Meiling, I saw it, and there was some object falling from it."
"What…aw, come on! Maybe he dropped something, right? That couldn't have been Santa!"
"Meiling, I have work to do, and I do believe that you have work to do as well."
"Oh yeah! I've gotta guard the gate, right?"
"Yes, so could you please guard it?"
"Sure! That gate isn't going to guard itself now, is it?! So I'll see ya!"
She went back to washing the dishes, hoping to make up for lost time.
Marisa was knocking at Keine's door at this point. She was battered from the two crashes, and her (Rinnosuke's) bag was torn in more than a few places.
"Yes?"
"HO HO HO, LITTLE GIRL! MERRRRRY CHRISTMAS!"
"…oh my! Are you Santa?"
It took her a while because Marisa did not have any Santa-related clothes on.
"Why yes I am! And do I have a present for you!"
She sifted randomly in the bag and presented her with something.
"Oh…what is it?"
"It's a Cup-of-Soup! MERRRRRY CHRISTMAS!"
"Oh my…thank you for the…soup cup?"
"HO HO HO!" She slammed the door.
Mokou, who was nearby, then asked Keine why Marisa gave her a Cup-of-soup. Keine had trouble making of the odd situation as well.
Meanwhile, Reimu was back at her house, rummaging throughout the closets to find anything resembling a beard.
"Reimu? What are you looking for?"
"Suika? Why are you still awake? Be a good girl and go to bed!"
"Don't give me that!"
"…what?"
"Anyways, I think I have a beard."
"Really?! Wait…it's a moustache."
"No it isn't!"
"Yeah, it's a moustache. Nonetheless, I'd like to borrow it."
"…yeah, sure, whatever."
A few minutes later, she prepared the moustache, and then set out to give her "presents" to Gensokyo. She decided to go to the rabbits' house first, as it was the hardest to walk to.
After knocking on the door and waiting for a few seconds, Reisen opened it. "Hello?"
"HO HO HO, LITTLE GIRL! MERRRRRY CHRISTMAS!"
"Oh, hi Reimu…are you Santa?"
"…WHY YES! I AM SANTA!"
"Oh, um…another one?"
She snapped out of her Santa voice. "Marisa was here, right?"
"Yeah. She gave me a stapler."
And she snapped back into it. "WELL, LITTLE GIRL, YOU WOULD LIKE THIS BETTER THEN!"
She hugged her.
"…that's the gift?"
"WHY YES! WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN A FRIENDLY EMBRACE?! A SYMBOL OF FRIENDLY LOVE MILLENIA OLD!"
"…"
"DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE HAKUREI SHRINE and donate, LITTLE GIRL! HO HO HO!"
Reisen watched her skip away, and then closed the door, wondering which was the worst gift given to her: Reimu's hug, Marisa's stapler, Eirin's asprin, Kaguya's waffle maker, or Tewi's "invisible particle accelerator".
And so, Gensokyo was at the mercy of a mustachioed, hugging Santa and a beat-up "Santa". As the night progressed, almost everyone in the town was hugged, and almost everyone was given a cheapo thingamabob. Pretty soon, Reimu was getting tired of hugging people for a while, and decided to rest on a sidewalk.
Well, this sucks. I should have brought a list, 'cause I know I went to Alice's house twice now…I wonder why I haven't seen Marisa yet…heh, maybe she gave up. How can hugs not beat the junk she's giving them…
Oddly, there was a café behind her. Marisa came out of it with some coffee.
"REIMU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
"MARISA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
After a long pause, Marisa threw the coffee at her face and ran down the street.
"AUUGHHH! DAMMIT! GET BACK HERE, YOU!"
"You'll have to catch me!" She made a face.
"OH! THAT DOES IT!"
Reimu caught up and knocked her to the ground. As one can imagine, another fight ensued.
However, the fight was ended quickly when they both heard a unique, booming resonance of the "HO HO HO!" line. They instantly froze when they heard it.
"Um, Reimu, who was that?"
"Well, I don't know…"
Then it hit them both. It hit them both like a test car driving into a wall, or a baseball hitting a bat, or any other metaphor of the same semantic sense.
"THAT'S SANTA!"
"MY GOD, HE FOUND THE ENTRANCE!"
They ran to the Hakurei Shrine.
And sure enough, when they got there, there he was: Santa Claus, with his bright, red sleigh and flying reindeer, right next to the shrine. The reindeer were looking at the scenery as Santa came out of the sleigh.
"Why, hello, Reimu! How's tricks, Marisa?!"
"Santa Claus…what?"
"You know our names?"
"Of course I know all of your names! I am Santa Claus, after all!"
"…you're Santa?"
"Why yes! I am Santa Claus!"
"I…I guess you found the way in, right?"
"Yes! Finally, after all of these years…I'm sorry that I could not do it before…perhaps if this impatient mind of mine would have tried harder, I would have done it before, but the saying is 'better late than never', yes? Anyways, I do hope that you noticed the present I've given you."
They stood for a while, confirming that Santa had to explain a little bit more.
"Why, it's your friendship! It needed to be repaired!"
"…really?"
"Yes! A little bird told me that you were fighting! There is no reason to be fighting on Christmas!"
"Wow…" said Reimu. "You're right."
"WHAT?", said Marisa.
"Well, Marisa, I shouldn't have fought with you on Christmas Eve. I guess that I was too focused on money and this far-fetched plan of mine, so I messed up your charity to the town."
"My, my, Reimu! See? You two should be on the same path! That is friendship! Now, I think I know what should be next!"
"…oh yeah! Come here!"
Marisa hugged Reimu, and after a few seconds, Reimu embraced her as well.
"I'm sorry, Marisa, for shooting you down twice."
"I should apologize, too...I'm sorry for throwing coffee at you."
"Now, that's what we want, don't we? Now your friendship is repaired!"
Reimu then asked Santa a question. "Santa, can you cure my money problem? Wait, I mean addiction."
"Well, Reimu! I am sorry, but in this advanced age of mine, I'm not sure I have the magic to do such a thing…but I think I have a consolation."
He pointed to his sleigh.
"How would you two like to deliver presents with me?"
"…OH MY GOD! YES!"
"YEAH! LET'S DO IT!"
"All right! Let's go!"
And so, Gensokyo had its first visit from Santa Claus. On their trip, the three delivered presents to everyone in the town. Here are some of the presents they will open up when the Sun appeared on the horizon:
Ran will get a free month's worth of fried tofu, redeemable at the Fox Café.
Chen will get a plush Nazrin.
Yukari will get a copy of Portal: Still Alive.
Cirno will get a book on how to take over the world. Let us hope that it doesn't really work.
Alice will get some Zhu Zhus.
Hong Meiling will get golf cleats to kick people with, and a new cheongsam dress, with a white color and red floral patterns.
Sakuya will get a Wonderbra and a cinnamon walnut cake.
Remilia will get the limited edition of Twilight and two tickets to go see New Moon. By the way, she's on team Edward.
Utsuho will get a free pass to visit The National Museum of Nuclear Science and History.
Patchouli will get IIDX EMPRESS for the PS2.
Reisen will get a XM214 Microgun. However, it can only fire potatoes.
Flandre will get a model Lambo Reventón to build.
Rumia will get a night-light.
Rinnosuke will get everything in his shop back, plus a new kimono.
The Prismrivers will get new instruments so they can try their hands at grindcore.
Wriggle will get a Bay Checkerspot butterfly.
Suwako will get a hat that doesn't have any eyes. However, her eye-hat will get very angry.
Rin will get tap-dancing shoes.
Mokou will get a truck.
Suika will get to see Santa, and will get more beer.
Finally, Reimu will get a hundred bucks. Also, Marisa will get a katana. And their friendship didn't deteriorate, so that counts as a present too.
~The End~
I hope you like the gift choices…some of them were hard to think of (like Flandre dunno lol). Plus, I don't really know anything before Scarlet Devil or after Subterranean Animism, so if you want one of those or other characters here, tell me and I'll whip up a present for them.
Also, see if you can find the two Walfas references.
Merry Christmas!