She Cries For Me
The rain was relentless.
I traced the rain drops trailing down my window.
The room would become illuminated as the lightning cut the darken sky. Flashes of light chased the shadows from around me. The thunder was so loud it drowned out all other noise. The rain was so heavy now it created a shimmering film along the window, a flowing current that didn't allow me to see anymore. That's what I felt about my future. And just like the rain pouring down blocking my view of outside I could no longer see what was going on in my own life.
I felt trapped behind.
And worse than not being able to see clearly, was the knowledge that once I did see beyond it. Once I could see my future, my happiness and all my dreams stretching out before me. But no more. Now the rain, and fear blocked my view.
Not my fear; His.
I had found happiness, it had been brief but true.
I saw the real man behind the beauty.
I saw the pain, the fear, the crimes of the past, I saw it all.
And I loved him still.
He couldn't accept it. He wanted but he wouldn't allow himself to have. I am sure at first he thought he was ready to be happy. But something happened, I'm not sure what, but it changed how he saw everything. He grew distant, he grew cold, he pushed me away, he scorned my love and left.
I knew he loved me.
I knew he wanted to stay.
But he left.
Tears in his eyes he was trying to hide, as he looked upon me and told me to leave. I refused. I didn't understand. We had faced all the threats.
He had feared me learning who and what he was, what he had done. I had found out. I had understood and wanted to stay. He seemed relieved. His love for me was shining in his eyes when I came to him. We had shared a moment of acceptance.
Then all was lost.
Ash watched as the glowing orb cast shadows and patterns around the darken room. The colours mirrored his mood. Blues and swirling black and silver seemed to move with the slow all consuming despair he felt.
He had let her go.
He remembered their first night together.
She had cried for his pain, she had had love shinning in her endless brown depths. Now as the swirling light cleared he watched her cry for what he had allowed to be lost.
She sat on the wooden windowsill of her apartment watching the rain. The room was dark and only the lightning dared to illuminate the suffering and pain within.
It was the last thing he had wanted to do; cause her pain. But he had hurt her anyway.
He loved her. He knew it. And worse he knew she loved him in return.
Not the selfish, violent, twisted love Artemis had for him. Real love.
Accepting, understanding, unconditional love.
Ash chastised himself yet again.
His Uncle had really won in the end it seemed. Fate was cruel and life painful.
No… damn it, he knew different.
He had seen love save. He had seen Kyrian and Amanda, Tabitha and Valerius he had seen love save them.
Why was he not allowing it to save him?
Savitar said through his own actions he would be saved, and he had been right, he had found love, but he couldn't accept it.
Ash's feelings confused him. He had wished fervently that he would have what Kyrain and Amanda had so why now did he turn his back on it.
He knew why. Many reasons stopped him making the final leap.
Firstly, he didn't want to cause her pain. When she had embraced him he had felt such a burden lift from his shoulders, he had felt acceptance. His past pain and deeds seemed to be forgotten. But it could not last. He saw his Uncle standing over him, mocking him, belittling him. No one would ever love and accept him without a price. Ryssa, his sister had suffered. Nick had been his friend and look where it had all ended. He wouldn't let that happen to her.
Secondly the problem of Artemis. Cutting the ties from Artemis could prove more than difficult. Would she still allow him to feed? Could he feed without the sexual need to sleep with her? He couldn't betray his love like that. And worse, would Artemis aim to destroy it all. He had more power than her by far, but Artemis could still cause problems.
Acherons head fell, he could no longer watch her misery. Tears where streaming down his cheeks.
Collapsing to his knees Ash whispered his apology, he spoke of his love for her, his wish to be with her but his fear it would cause her pain. His rushed whispered words where loud in the blackened room. The image couldn't hear his plead for forgiveness.
He spoke only to a shadow of reality, a picture of light and movement.
How he wished she could hear his apology.
He couldn't risk seeing her face to face, he knew he wouldn't have the strength to leave twice.
He finally whispered a silent prayer…maybe one day he would be able to love her without fear.
Hi, I cannot wait for Acherons book and truly hope this is not the way the book goes, ;-( but it was just a thought I had that maybe after being used and treated poorly so many times before and for so long, perhaps it may take time for someone like Acheron to love without fear again. Please review. Emma x