"There you are," Serena said, packing her things into her bag. "Where've you been?" She was smiling. They had plans. It was all going well today. They had sorted out the business with their patient, her husband, everyone was happy. Serena was happy. She
was hoping for more of that feeling. Tonight.
"I uh … I went to see Hanssen."
She's not looking at me. Why isn't she looking at me?
"Oh?"
"I've accepted the secondment."
A pause. Serena felt the reality of what Bernie had just said sweep over her. Bernie looked up at her. A tinge of guilt in her eyes. Resignation there too.
"What?" Serena couldn't put strength behind it. It came out as a breath, a growl nearly. Her stomach fell into her boots. She didn't understand.
"I think … the prospect of me leaving … just put too much pressure on … us … to decide how we feel."
Oh well then this was easy, I know how I feel.
Serena got up, smiled in hope and tried to explain. Surely I don't have tears in my eyes? "No, it made me realise I told you I don't want you to go." Serena was close to her, breathing the same air as Bernie, a desperate attempt at showing her how she
felt. Surely she knows, surely she understands …
Bernie held her arms firmly, moved her away.
"That's what you don't want. You need time and space to decide what you do want."
I don't need space I need you.
"It's the same thing." Am I pleading now? I feel like I am.
"No. It's not." Bernie rolled her eyes, conscious of how cheesy and ridiculous her next sentence would sound. "I know I don't want to hurt you. Because I … care about you."
She's going to run. I can tell by her face.
Before she even touched the door, Serena grabbed her wrist somewhat forcefully. "Stop." I'm not having this.
"Serena," Bernie said, frustration and embarrassment coursing through her features like disease. "Please."
"No. Stop."
Serena brought up her other hand and grasped the blonde's other forearm. When she was sure the other woman has calmed a little, despite not being able to catch her eye, she lessened her grip.
"Sit down." It was not a request. More a command. Her voice was soft though, she wasn't about to freak the sweet and oh so stupid army medic out any further.
Bernie wasn't sure what else she should do. She dropped her hand from the door. She finally looked up, face stony, eyes a little shocked, and completely without the ability to speak. She had been on the receiving end of an angry and embittered Serena
a couple of times and did not relish a repeat. She kept quiet. She sat, perched anxiously, on the chair near Serena's desk. She watched with wide eyes as Serena calmly but with frustrated eyes, picked up the phone on her desk and dialled an internal
number.
It rang. "Ric. It's Serena. Yes I'm fine thankyou … well … not exact- … anyway you're about to be put on speaker. Ms Wolfe is here." She placed the received on the desk and pressed the button to turn on the speaker.
"Hello Ms Wolfe." Ric's voice was confused.
"Hi." Bernie replied after a beat. Confused too. Serena smirked inwardly. If this doesn't work I have nothing else.
"Ok I won't bore you with the details, Ric. What I would like you to do is …" She looked up at Bernie and tried not to falter. "Explain to Ms Wolfe the conversation we had over drinks last week." She took a deep breath. "No beating round the bush please."
There was a pause. Come on Ric, I'm relying on you here, Serena thought.
"Well, I believe we spoke about the fact that I've had a lot of failed marriages and … you said you'd … are you sure Ms Wolfe needs to hear this?"
"She does," Serena replied, attempting to keep the nervous wobble out of her voice.
"Ok well. When I asked you if there was anyone special, you went all … shy … and divulged to me that you had your eye on Bernie Wolfe. I told you I thought she was a fine woman … an opinion that I stand by." He huffed out a bit of a laugh, confused still
about the purpose of the conversation. "Is that all?"
"I think that'll do. Thank you for your candour."
"Um ok then. Bye."
"Bye." Serena hung up. She turned to Bernie, an attempt at courage on her upturned jaw. Her breath was a bit shaky. She swallowed. Bernie still sat there dumb-struck, like someone had hit her over the head with a mallet.
"Last week?" Bernie breathed.
Serena nodded.
"So … days before either of us even heard about the Ukraine job."
"That's right."
"Even though we decided to forget about it?"
"Well I believe I didn't have much of a say in the matter."
Bernie looked down. Sudden tears stung her eyes. She rested her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together. "I'm … not sure what to say."
"How about rather than some chivalrous attempt to protect the both of us, we start being honest with one another?" When Bernie finally looked up she found Serena was smiling a bit. "Would you like me to start?" Bernie nodded. Serena reached forward to
place her hand over the both of Bernie's for a moment, a light caress, before sitting back. "I meant what I said in the corridor. I know how I feel, I'm falling for you hook, line and sinker." Serena blushed a bit and looked away. "Or maybe I have
fallen. Whatever anyway I'm in rather deep. And, yes, the thought of you leaving for however many months to a country so far away panicked me a bit." She looked up and caught Bernie's eye. "And I'm sorry if that came across a bit … desperate or scary
or whatever." Both their eyes were wet but it was a calm moment. None of the frantic emotion similar to earlier.
"I wish you'd told me," Bernie managed and finally, finally, she reached forwards and Serena came to meet her, pulling her swivel chair a bit closer and adopting a similar position to Bernie so that their fingers touched. Bernie watched their hands, fingers
interlacing and thumbs brushing.
"So do I," Serena said with a laugh. "I was this close," she indicated with thumb and forefinger a millimetre apart, "to divulging all my feelings for you last night, but what with all the wine, some part of me held back and decided I needed to be one
hundred percent sober for an admission like that. If I'd have known Hanssen's plans for you this morning, well…" she closed her eyes and shook her head. "I think I would have just told you."
Bernie looked up at her, a tear escaping down her cheek. Serena's eyebrows pushed down and she immediately reached to wipe the tear from Bernie's cheek. Her hand lingered.
"I think it's your turn," Serena whispered gently, smoothing the back of her knuckles down Bernie's cheek before sitting back just with their hands interlaced between them.
"I…" Bernie had never been good at explaining her emotions, to herself let alone anyone else. She looked up at Serena, apology in her expression, trying to find the words. "I'm scared."
"I figured that out myself," Serena whispered, smiling kindly.
"I think … and I truly believe this … that if we do this, get into this … together … I will find a way to ruin it all and … I wouldn't want to do that to you."
Serena squeezed her hands, but kept quiet. She's talking to me. She's actually opening up.
"I care … so much … about you. B-because of that, I'm terrified of going too fast or … doing something that will hurt you." She squeezed Serena's hands back. "I've hurt so many people over the last … you're too important to me to …" She shuddered and
fell silent.
"So," Serena began, slowly, taking one hand from where their four were all clasped together and beginning to trace a finger over Bernie's wrist. She moved her chair closer still, their knees touching. "I'm going to repeat back to you what I think I understand."
"To check your understanding of the information given," Bernie teased, voice low. Serena sighed a bit and chuckled.
"Well, seems silly not to use my incredible information gathering skills in all aspects of life."
They just grinned at each other shyly for a moment. Bernie looked down at her own wrist still smiling. She hummed a bit. Serena was still trailing her fingertips in circles there. That was nice.
"So," Serena began again. "What I can understand is that you're terrified of doing something to hurt me and that the safer option would be to not get involved and therefore not put whatever we have now at risk?"
Bernie nodded.
"And you think we're going too fast?"
"Well," Bernie said, blushing a little, "I'm aware that there are quicker ways of going about these things…"
"A couple of snogs a few weeks apart isn't really fast I suppose."
"… I just feel … I need some structure maybe." She looked up and Serena watched a light bulb moment happen on her face. "Dating."
Serena looked surprised. "Dating?"
"Yes. I'd like to date you."
Serena smiled and chuckled. "Like … take me to dinner and … a romantic walk along the prom … before dropping me home to my parents, well, Jason, and promising me you will call me before leaving me hanging for days?" She was rambling but happily.
"That's exactly it. Well, apart from the last part. I will always call you." She blushed again. "I just … I think it would be good for us to … have a bit of structure and understanding that … i-it's not going to go too quickly and neither one of us, well
me, will get scared and run." They locked eyes and the mood dropped a bit. Another tear fell down Bernie's face. "Like I've almost done this evening."
Serena couldn't help it. She reached and swiped the tear away once more and traced Bernie's bottom lip with her thumb. Bernie tasted the salty tear and another fell. She tried to pull away, tried to keep it hidden, but Serena stood, pulled her with one
hand in her hands and the other under her jaw. She wrapped her arms around her. They held one another, Bernie's lips pressed near the place where Serena's neck met her shoulder, hoping her tears wouldn't gather on the collar of her blouse. She shivered
a bit and allowed herself a sob. Serena squeezed her hard. She rubbed her back.
After a moment or two, Bernie loosened her grip and Serena moved back to look at her. "I need to call Hanssen."
"Would you like me to leave you to it for a while?" Serena asked gently.
"Just for a minute. I'm going to have to think of some random excuse for not going to Ukraine." Serena let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.
"So you're not …?" They left the knowledge hanging in the air.
Serena smiled, relief rushing over her and making her breathing ragged for a minute. Then she went to the door and left the office they'd shared for the past few months. Bernie smiled as she left, safe in the knowledge it was all sorted now. Safe in the
knowledge she hadn't ruined the whole thing and she had a chance to be happy.