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Cassandra slunk up the incline slowly, eyes fixed firmly on the ground as distant singing flowed towards the Abyssinian queen; "Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats!" She hadn't been to any of the Jellicle Balls for three years now; Everlasting Cat knew her sister, Exotica, had tried to convince her. But Cassandra refused. The others said it was grief but she knew it was fear. Fear of her heart being broken again. She crested the hill, her hill, the place she had been so many countless times. It now felt like a prison, but she couldn't stay away.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

She halted by a small grassy mound and she knelt slowly, stroking the ground tenderly. This was the place he was buried, her beloved Alonzo, stolen from her with a slice of Macavity's claws. She remembered vividly seeing him collapse, fur clotted with blood. Branded in her mind forever was the image of his limp form being carried to Jellylorum's den. For eternity she would be scarred by the moment his eyes had dulled into nothingness and the blind rage she had felt.

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

Cassandra tried to choke down the lump forming in her throat and her ears flattened against her head. She had been so ashamed, those first few months, of her wish Munkustrap had died instead and she couldn't meet his or Demeter's eyes for weeks. But now she wished it with no guilt. Alonzo had been her first and only mate, her brave, proud, yet so tender and loving mate. Her vision blurred and she rested her chin on her knees, giving into the silent tears.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Alonzo hadn't died that night; Cassandra could remember his weak reassurance that he would be just fine. Jellylorum and Jennyanydots had added to his words, but she had seen the look in their eyes. They hadn't expected him to survive. Yet she had refused to give up, remaining by his nest night and day, holding his paw when fever maddened him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear when the pain was too much. Cassandra had been shocked when she had seen his first tears, her Alonzo would never cry. But he was frightened. He had asked her once in the dead of night, "Do you think it hurts? Dying?"

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years

She had only left for a few minutes, the day he died. Just to get some more water, but when she had returned he had been gasping for breath, claws digging into the ground as he lay just outside the den, crimson blood staining the black and white fur she had worked so hard to keep clean from the open wound. Jennyanydots and Jellylorum had rushed to his side, but he had lost so much blood. Cassandra was haunted by his answer when she asked him what he had done. "I woke up and you were gone. I thought you had left me to die. I wanted to find you. Needed to find you." And then he was gone, his life snuffed like a candle. Cassandra let out a sob, burying her face in her paws.

But you still have all of me

Cassandra remembered when they were kits. Her sister had thought him vain and a show-off, but Cassandra had been intrigued with the skilled and aloof tom. When she had talked to him, he wasn't like the other toms. Sure, he was just as silly, but he seemed interested in more than just small talk. Exotica didn't listen to her as well as Alonzo had. He was her diary, the one cat she could tell anything. Even Exotica couldn't argue with that.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Cassandra had dreamt of only the part on Alonzo she never wanted to see after he died; his cowardice, vanity, anger. But when awake she could remember the times he had exposed the best parts of him; the selflessness, love, and bravery he held. But even that was too painful.

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

He had called her Cassie when he was first courting her, she could remember the scarlet blush that had appeared under her fur whenever they spoke. Exotica had warned her not to fall for him to quickly, but she had fallen faster than any cat could catch.

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

Cassandra shook her head like a dog shaking off water, trying to clear her mind. The moon shone, mockingly beautiful, on her as she lay on her stomach next to the small mound, resting her tear-soaked face on her paws.

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time can not erase

She closed her eyes and blackness clouded her mind. Was this what Alonzo had felt, she wondered, this everlasting darkness?

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Cassandra felt sleep nudging her and she gave way quickly, eager to escape these painful thoughts. This darkness was colder, the warmth and support of the earth beneath her was gone and the queen felt as if she was suspended in a cube of ice, a cat frozen in time with no emotions, or thoughts. A small disturbance echoed through the air, like a ripple in a pond. With an incredible amount of effort, she turned her head towards the movement. And there he was, her Alonzo. Standing only a foot away, his edges blurred.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

Cassandra felt a tingle go up her spine as she looked at him. Alonzo's eyes delved into hers, the blueness of them holding an eternity of sorrow. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. He stepped closer and lifted his hand to cup her cheek. It was cold, colder than this icy world and it passed through her like smoke. Cassandra jerked away, fur bristling. This wasn't Alonzo.

But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

Cassandra was torn as his eyes shone with hurt. But she turned and wrenched herself away, away from the haunting form of Alonzo, no, that wasn't Alonzo. It was just a shadow, a mere reflection of what had been.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

She ran, as far and as fast as her legs would taking. Through the blackness that threatened to engulf her like a wave. Cassandra struggled for breath as the darkness closed on her and she woke with a start.

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

The moonlight washed over the junkyard, making everything so pale and surreal. Heart beating manically, Cassandra leapt to her paws, sprinting down the hill, away from Alonzo's grave.

And I held your hand through all of these years

She wound her way through the junkyard towards her den, the tears blurring her vision making her rely on her other senses. The Abyssinian queen saw her den come into view and she sped for the comfort of what she knew was real.

But you still have…

Cassandra threw herself onto her nest, chest heaving as she sobbed. Alonzo was gone. And he was never coming back.

All of me