A/N: Here is my next little Calzona fic! Not the big one I promised for the fall, but a little something to tide you over. Also, I'm rewriting Luxury, so the updates may not come as quickly for this one.
So, I guess that I started this so you would know how my life goes on a daily basis while you're gone. So, for you, and for me, because I need something to keep me going. But I'll probably never let you read it because when I look back, I'll realize that at times, I was being ridiculous. And now I'm rambling. Right now, this is all surreal. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it. Every time I swallow it, the lump in my throat rises again. I never wanted to have to do this ever again. Not after Tim. Just the thought of...no. No.
I guess I should explain, even though we both know what's going on. They brought back the draft. Them being those government assholes who sit on their behinds while good men and women are risking their lives on the front lines. I'd like to send a few of them overseas. And since gays can openly serve in the military now, that couldn't save us. And you were in the Peace Corps, which I don't think has anything to do with it, but you do. And they picked you. To be a trauma surgeon, they picked my Callie. My Calliope. So now I have to refer to you as Lieutenant Torres or whatever. You're Doctor Torres. Not Lieutenant Major Sergeant whatever. And I've been sitting at home, holding onto Sofia for dear life, praying that I won't have to unload you from an airplane in a coffin. Because I can't do that again. Not again, Callie, do you understand? It will destroy me. It's her birthday, in two weeks, it's her birthday. She'll be five. And you aren't here. She doesn't understand, Callie. She doesn't understand where you are and I can't explain it to her because I don't understand why you're gone either. You're going to miss everything and Sofia is going to grow up so much while you're gone. But I'll videotape everything. I promise. I won't let you miss our girl growing up because of some stupid government ploy.
I don't want you to feel guilty. It's not like you enlisted. And even if you had I would support you one hundred percent. But my god Callie, I don't know what to do. And I know you didn't want this. I remember the look on your face when you read that letter. I remember how we cried that night. And I remember you trying to lighten the mood by telling me that maybe I should have stayed in Africa because we'd be closer. I remember. I'll never forget. But it's nothing like how I'm crying now. You just called me from your base in Texas to tell me that you would be shipped out tomorrow. Tomorrow you're going to be shipped out to the middle of the desert and I won't see you again for a year. Tomorrow I have to tell Sofia that you're not coming home and she won't understand. You were trying so hard to be strong for me tonight, because you know how this is killing me. But I could hear your throat choking up on you as you tried to hold back tears.
Please Callie, come home. Come home safe and whole. And bring Owen and Teddy with you. The hospital isn't the same without you here. All the banners just make us miss you more. Tomorrow will be a sad day. Everyone misses you. Your place isn't there, Calliope, it's here. In scrubs, not fatigues. Do me a favor; don't fall in love with the military. Don't stay longer than you have to. Come home to us. Come home to me. Alive. And safe. Please.
Arizona closed the notebook and stared out the window. Rain splattered against the glass, impairing her vision of the night sky. She had picked this notebook on purpose. It was old and worn and easily mistaken for an old school notebook. She didn't want anyone else reading her private thoughts for Callie. And it was small, so she would be able to easily hide it from Sofia's curious hands. Sofia, who looked for her mama everywhere, but Callie was in Texas. Callie had been gone for five months already, going through her basic and specialized training. She'd been able to come once, for a week, in between her training and Arizona had been clinging to those moments ever since. She knew that Callie had called when she did on purpose. Callie knew when Sofia would be in bed. She knew that Arizona would have already gotten herself ready for bed. Arizona had known the moment she answered what Callie was going to say. It was too similar to when Timothy had called her the night before he'd been deployed. The tears hadn't waited this time. They'd begun rolling down her cheeks the minute Callie said, "Arizona." Silently, they had filled her eyes and flooded her cheeks as Callie gave her the details of her deployment. She had broken down after hanging up, something that she wouldn't have been able to do if Sofia had been awake. It had given her time to herself, and for that she would be forever grateful to Callie. They had been able to say goodbye in their way, not a quick "goodbye and I love you" in front of the kid.
Twisting to her right, Arizona turned off the bed side lamp and let black envelope her. The bed felt huge without Callie. The room felt huge without Callie. The apartment felt huge without Callie. Huge and threateningly empty, much like the world these days. Everything felt empty without Callie. She'd learned that years ago when she'd gone to Africa without her. Nothing was right if Callie wasn't there. The air tasted stale and she could never quite catch her breath. Lightening lit up the sky and the room, rolling thunder filled the air afterwards.
She mentally counted down, four, three, two, one.
"Mommy!" the shrill call came, accompanied by the pounding of little feet. "Mommy!"
Sofia hated thunderstorms. The only way to calm her down was when Callie sang to her. But Callie wasn't here to sing anymore. Arizona tried to dry her face and sat up, throwing the covers back. Then her door was being flung open and a little girl with raven hair was clambering up into bed with her. "It's okay, honey."
"Mommy, I'm scared," Sofia whispered. Arizona pulled her little girl close. Sofia looked so much like Callie that sometimes Arizona couldn't look at her for too long. She had Callie's sing song voice too. She snuggled close to Arizona under the comforter, her little hand taking her mother's.
A sad smiled tugged at the corner of Arizona's mouth. Tonight, she couldn't make her go back to her own bed. Tonight, she needed Sofia as much as Sofia needed her, in the absence of her mother. "Wanna sleep with me?"
The little girl nodded. Another peel of thunder roared into the night and Sofia clamped her hands over her ears and buried her face into Arizona. Mom had a hard time hiding her smile. Sofia stayed like that, shivering dramatically, until long after the thunder had subsided. "Where's Mama?"
"In Texas," Arizona said after a moment. "Like she was when you went to sleep a few hours ago."
"I wish she was home. I want her to sing to me."
It broke Arizona's heart. "She will be. Soon."
"How soon?"
"I don't know, darling," Arizona gathered Sofia in her arms and rocked her gently.
"What's wrong, Mommy?" Sofia asked, her hand on Arizona's wet cheek.
It sometimes startled her how intuitive her daughter could be. It was just one more thing that she inherited from Callie. "I just want Mama home soon, too."
Sofia was satisfied with that response and reached up to give Arizona a kiss goodnight. "I love you, Mommy."
"I love you, too."
After a few moments of silence, Arizona thought Sofia had drifted to sleep. Her tears began to fall again as she let herself stare out into the rainy night. It was a dreary rain. The kind of rain that sapped you of your strength, your energy, and your will to live. It was an ironic rain. She never thought that she would lose Callie again, not after everything that they had been through. Callie was the best thing that she had ever had. Callie had brought everything good into her life. And now, she was here, trying to hold all the good together while Callie was far, far away. It was like a bad chick flick turned real life. Unconsciousness was just about to overcome her when she heard Sofia's small voice. "She's not going to be here for my birthday, is she?"
Rolling over so that she was eye to eye with her little girl, Arizona sighed. "No, honey. She won't be here."
"You're sure?" Sofia asked. Arizona could see her sad little tears trickling down her cheeks in the lightning flashes, and it made her own tears fall faster.
"Yeah," she managed. Swallowing her own sadness, she said, "I need to tell you something, okay?"
"Okay," Sofia looked at her with trusting eyes.
"Remember how we said Mama was at camp, learning how to be a soldier?"
"Yeah."
"Well, now she's learned. And they need her to go fight the bad guys."
"Oh." It was the sound of disappointment in its purest form.
"Mama called me tonight. She didn't want you to have nightmares so she called after you were in bed," Arizona paused. This was harder to get out than she thought it would be. "Mama is going on her mission tomorrow."
"To the desert?"
Arizona smiled. "To the desert."
"Well, how long is she gonna be? I'm not gonna be little forever." The pout that covered her daughter's face was purely Arizona and it made her laugh. She was teaching her good techniques for use latter in life.
A sad laugh escaped Arizona's lips. "She'll be back next summer. You'll still be little."
"How old will I be?"
"Six."
"She's gonna miss two of my birthdays?" Sofia asked, stunned. "A whole year?"
As the little girl started to cry, Arizona wrapped her arms tightly around her and cried too. "If you're really good, she might be able to come home for a little while. For a break. But she loves you, Sofia. And she misses you more than anything."
"She'll come home, Mommy. She told me she would."
Arizona kissed her crown. "I know, baby. I know." She wished that she was as sure as her daughter of that. Because she wasn't sure at all that Callie would come home to them.
"Are you going to have nightmares, Mommy?" Sofia asked.
Thinking, Arizona tried to answer truthfully, but not completely. "Not with you here with me. You're my strong little angel. I couldn't have nightmares with you here with me." The truth was, Arizona had been having nightmares ever since they'd found out that Callie had been drafted. She had the same one every night. A coffin being unloaded from a plane. The gunshots. The never ending grief. The darkness. The rain. The depression. She had the same nightmare every night.