And Then There Was Cas…
Dean walked away from Bobby with Sam, but he can tell his brother's out of it. And after all that had just happened, all the people they had known who had just died, he really couldn't blame him. Because he couldn't get with the program at the moment either.
He had wanted to comfort Bobby, but what could he really say. That killing Rufus wasn't his fault? That that damn worm had taken possession of him and there wasn't a damn thing he could have done about it? There were no words that could be said because Bobby would always always feel guilt. And he knew what that felt like even before he had killed Gwen.
He wracked his mind trying to figure out exactly when it had happened. When had that slug crawled into his ear? One moment he was telling Gwen what she failed to know and the next he was on the ground, wondering where the hell he was. He hated that he couldn't remember killing her, he should have been able to remember something. But, there was nothing. Nothing at all to remember because when he had shot her down like a dog there was not a piece of himself left in his body. That's what he tried to tell himself. But the more he kept on saying it the more he didn't believe it.
The fact was he had to suck it up because they all had blood on their hands. Even Sam, who had shot their grandfather in cold blood and was well aware of doing it. He knew his brother was capable of such things but he never thought he could, he would kill Samuel. Dean was the one meant to end his pathetic little life. Dean was supposed to pull the trigger.
Dean cursed himself at how close he had let Sam get to unlocking more memories. And who knew what Samuel would have told him if that bullet hadn't entered his chest before a single word could be let loose from his lips. Dean would do everything in his power to protect Sam from that danger of knowing, but he didn't know how long he would last. But, he figured, at least he had Samuel out of the way. No more worries about that part of his life.
He walked through the woods with Sam, but they both kept their distance. And after not too long Dean slowed down and allowed Sam to continue on back to Bobby's place. He stood leaning against a tree to take a breather and get some much needed alone time. It was a beautiful day for a burial. As he sighed in exhaustion his thoughts drifted back to his and Sam's current situation. How long could they both hold the barriers up? How long could they keep going on like this until his baby brother's temptation got the better of him and the consequences of that would be death?
Time. Dean needed more time.
Castiel was exhausted. He never thought he would hear his own thoughts echo inside his head. He was sick of heaven, sick of fighting, sick of killing his beloved brothers and sisters. He missed earth. He missed the Winchesters. He missed Dean.
His grace let go and called out to Dean, and it was mere seconds later that he found his charge. In the middle of the woods, alone. Dean was often alone these days, Castiel noticed, whenever he searched the planet to find him. He often felt guilty and responsible when Dean was alone. But what could he do? He couldn't abandon his war, at least not permanently. He would get hell for leaving right now to only stay down there for an hour. But he would do it. He would do it because his grace called out to Dean, longed for Dean so strongly that it hurt. This connection he had with his human made him weak, and it made him unfit to fight. So he would call this a mere break.
He floated down and watched Dean from behind a tree for a few minutes before deciding to make his presence known to him. He knew how Dean felt about personal space so he made sure he could see him a few feet away. That way he couldn't complain. Dean didn't look shocked when he walked up to him and Cas wondered why. Then he remembered. Even if his charge could not hear his wings, the feathers rustling in the wind, he could still feel him because in a sense, Castiel was his guardian angel. His personal angel. Not even Sam had those bragging rights.
"Hello Dean."
"Hey Cas. Thanks for not sneaking up on me."
"You would have sensed me anyway."
Dean nodded and leaned farther back into the tree.
"I see you have much on your mind."
"Stay out of my head, Cas" Dean warned.
"I was not in your head, Dean. I can merely tell you are stressed by the look on your face. You seem…distracted."
"Well aren't you becoming the expert on humans."
"No, Cas smiled, just the expert with you."
Castiel walked closer and leaned against the tree next to Dean's.
"What are you doing down here anyway?"
"I'm on my break."
Dean looked at him like he had said the words in Enochian, but he let it go, instead looking up at the blue sky. Cas followed his gaze.
"What is bothering you?"
"What isn't bothering me?"
The angel sighed and stood in front of Dean, forcing the hunter to look him in the eyes.
"I wish to help you, if you will allow me."
"You can't help me, Castiel. I need to be alone", he stepped away but Cas would not allow him to, not this time.
"Personal space…"
"No" he interrupted, forcing himself back into Dean's bubble.
The human needed him and he would be an idiot not to be there for him. He would let Dean know he was here for him as long as he could be here.
"I will not let you go through this alone, Dean. Not anymore."
Dean found himself staring into Cas's eyes and he wanted to look away. But when he did, the angel slipped a hand under his chin and tilted his head back up so he was forced to look in the cerulean depths.
"I need to deal with this alone. There's too much."
Dean wouldn't give in.
But Cas could not stop himself.
"I miss you, Dean."
His hunter looked at him in curiosity and he was afraid for only a split second to go on.
"That's why I'm here. I'm here for you."
Dean stared at him, "What are you saying?"
"I love you."
"What?" Dean took a step back because he couldn't be hearing this correctly.
Not now. He couldn't deal with this right now.
"I love you, Dean. And I'm sorry that I was so stupid for letting you slip away. I never should have gone to heaven. I should have stayed down here with you."
Dean took another step back and prepared himself.
"You think you can just go off and fight your little buddies and leave me behind in the dust, and then come back and expect me to accept your apology? I'm sorry, Cas. But I…"
"Please Dean" he did not know what else to do but beg.
"No Cas. My head is piled up with so much shit right now it amazes me that I'm still breathing. I can't do this. What do you want me to say? I don't have time for this bullshit."
He kicked a tree in frustration and Castiel looked away in shame.
"Dean…"
"Don't Cas. I'm leaving. And you'd be best to leave too. Before my tainted blood corrupts you any farther."
The angel stared up at him in desperation, but he was already gone. He opened his stupid little mouth but no words would come out. And as he watched Dean walk away, he felt the sudden urge to slam his head into the tree his charge had been leaning against. But it didn't matter. Cause Dean was gone.
He felt himself lift up higher and higher, anything human in him collapsing back onto the ground as he soared yet higher and higher. The angelic power was rising in him once more and he watched as the human in him, the human that had been given to him by Dean Winchester, melted away into the distance. It was no longer a part of him. But Castiel was near tears because the thoughts were still there. Because once human thoughts were planted inside the mind, they could never be taken away. And he wished he could suppress those thoughts. He wished he could leave them behind.
"Don't Cas. I'm leaving. And you'd be best to leave too. Before my tainted blood corrupts you any farther."
He could no longer see anything below him but sky. His mind, body, & soul returned back to the battle instantly.
You'll never know how much I need you, Dean Winchester.
You'll never know.
FIN