Walking To My Execution
This is number 3 of my fan fics and I believe it may be the best to date!! It's very loosely based on real life. This is for anyone who's ever felt like McGee.
It was a feeling that McGee couldn't quite explain, like hearing people talking about you every time you turned your back or hiding a secret you thought everybody knew… only worse
He involuntarily glanced towards Tony DiNozzo's desk. Tony was lounging in his chair with his usual arrogance and Abby was sitting on his desk. He felt a pain in his chest, a dull ache that he got every time he saw them together. He couldn't look at them without getting this gut wrenching agony. He leant forwards, ever so slightly, to hear what they were saying and felt every atom in his body relax when he realised they were talking about a film.
He had never felt like this when he and Tony had first started dating. This jealousy of Abby was definitely a new thing. She had been the first of the two people that they had decided to tell about their relationship. It had, originally, been a mutual decision to keep it secret, not because they were ashamed, but because it made it easier. At first it had been very fun, holding hands where they thought no one could see them and just the pure adrenaline he got from keeping such a huge secret. But after a while all that McGee could think was: What if Tony had agreed to keep it secret because he was seeing someone else? And then it got worse: What if Tony was seeing Abby?
McGee heard laughter coming from Tony's desk and he whipped his head round as quickly as he could. His heart was thumping as though he had drunk at least twenty of Abby's beloved Caff-Pows and his palms were covered in sweat. 'You're being irrational' he repeated to himself over and over again, they would never do that too you. He looked at them again; Abby with her jet black bunches and her laser-beam green eyes and Tony with his cheeky smile and Italian charm. They certainly made an attractive couple. McGee could see lots of reasons why they should be together but very few why he should be with Tony. He shifted his gaze to Abby and a stab of hatred ran through him. He hated her… except that wasn't true. She WAS his friend but right now he didn't want to hug her, talk to her or even look at her. He hated her for being everything he could never be; fun, optimistic, beautiful and perfect for Tony. The bitter feeling in his stomach remained as she jumped off Tony's desk and skipped to the elevator. Then he jumped as he felt warm breath on the back of his neck.
"Abby driving you up the hall?" asked an Israeli voice.
It was, of course, Ziva. She had been the second person they had told, but it had been a mistake and they hadn't exactly told her. The team had been working a late night and McGee was falling asleep on his desk when she came in. Tony, thinking the room was empty had kissed him on the top of the head, not noticing Ziva sitting silently in the corner. He had paid for it the next day when she had interrogated them mercilessly until they cracked and told her everything. She had been surprisingly happy for them and had agreed to keep it secret. Although she did make the occasional comment McGee and Tony agreed they couldn't have hoped for better.
"Mmm, something like that, I guess." Replied McGee, not bothering to point out her mistake.
Jealousy of Abby and making sure Ziva didn't tell Gibbs were not the only things that were bothering McGee. There was also the small issue of sex… or rather the lack of it. McGee knew that if Tony waited before having sex with someone then he must really, really like them, after all it was common knowledge that Tony slept with most people after two or three dates… if that. At first he had been flattered by this. It was nice to know that Tony valued their relationship enough to wait until McGee was ready and it had given him a sense of security; Tony wasn't using him for sex. But now, after five months and countless dates McGee had been ready for a while and he was staring to wonder if he would ever have sex with Tony, or if Tony just didn't want to have sex with him.
The days that followed were the worst days that McGee could ever remember having. Each morning he struggled out of bed, into work and forced himself to act as normal as he possibly could and get on with his work. There was no doubt in his mind; Tony and Abby were together and that was why Tony was avoiding him. In the past week they'd spoken about no-work related things only twice and both conversations had been awkward and forced. McGee just couldn't take it anymore; he had to tell Tony how he felt.
"Listen, I know things have been a bit weird lately and I think we should talk about it and try and get it sorted out." McGee paused, took a deep breath and continued. "Right now I don't know how you feel about me, but I want you to know that I really care about you and I want us to be together… but not like this. It isn't making both one of us happy and I want you to be happy more than anything. I've always loved you…" He trailed off, "well maybe not 'loved' but I've always had feelings for you. I just want you to know how I feel." McGee stopped and cursed under his breath and he pressed the hang up button on his phone. He despised himself for being such a coward. He sat down in his chair and began to cry, first tears of self pity and then tears for the whole fucked up mess he had made of his relationship. His last thoughts before he drifted into an uneasy sleep were of Tony's answering machine, and if he could remember the code…
Walking into work the next morning felt like McGee imagined walking to your execution must feel like, it's the end… and yet you have no control over it. A dead weight was pressing down on his shoulders and his legs felt more and more like concrete with every step he took. All that he wanted to do was run, run away and hide, but he kept walking because there was nothing else he could do.
McGee knew that the office would be empty for at least another twenty minutes so he sat down at his desk and let his mind wander. It arrived at what his life would be like without Tony in it. He thought about all the good times, the long walks on the beach in every imaginable weather, wind, torrential rain, lightning and even hail, where they would hide behind a gorse bush, like teenagers, and 'shelter from the weather' and the few times that Tony had told him that he loved him. McGee felt his eyes begin to well up so he forced himself to think of the bad times, the arguments over silly things, the way he was worried that Gibbs would find out and ruin everything and the extreme paranoia that had plagued him for the last few weeks.
"Probie…" said Tony making McGee jump "We need to talk." And with those words every shred of hope that McGee had been clinging onto vanished.
"But not here," Tony continued "and not now. Tonight. I'll come round to yours at about 7:30" and with that he turned round and walked away leaving McGee confused, nervous and desperate for help.
You cannot ever escape what is 'meant to be'. That's the problem with fate, if you run it will chase you and if you hide, it will hunt you down. But you can fight fate, you make your own fate, and you can change it if you're willing to admit where you went wrong and fight for what you want. And McGee was ready to fight… but first he wanted answers.
"Ziva, can I talk to you?" asked McGee. It had taken him nearly all day to pluck up the courage to ask her this, but he knew that it was now or never. Ziva nodded and the two of them walked out of the building. She motioned to him to talk but the words fell out of his mouth in a jumbled mess that didn't make any sense. She motioned to him to stop.
"Perhaps a little slower?" She suggested. McGee nodded and started his story again. Her eyes widened as McGee reached the extent of his paranoia. A feeling of relief flooded his body as he finally admitted how he had bee feeling. Ziva remained in a quiet and thoughtful state until he had finished, unusual for her as his story lasted nearly fifteen minutes.
"So you think Tony and Abby are fucking each other?" She asked. He glared at her.
"Yes."
Ziva sighed "I don't think you have anything to worry about McGee" he knew that she was talking sense but he couldn't believe her. He turned around to face her, but Ziva had vanished.
As soon as McGee had turned his back Ziva had sprinted away as quickly as she could. Now she was sprinting down the corridor towards the elevator and as she reached it, she thumped the down button. She had to talk to Abby. She had to find out the truth, for McGee's sake. The doors of the elevator opened and as she ran into Abby's lab she saw the Goth playing with her mass spectrometer.
"Are you seeing Tony?" she asked urgently Abby looked at her, puzzled, so Ziva repeated herself.
"Am I seeing Tony? Ziva, it's McGee who's seeing Tony" Abby repeated slowly, clearly still confused, Ziva shook her head and explained what McGee had told her about his paranoia and the way that Tony had been acting. Abby looked horrified and Ziva realised that Abby obviously hadn't been seeing Tony. The two women looked at each other and ran to the elevator, knowing that they didn't have much time.
"Where's McGee, Gibbs"
"McGee left about ten minutes ago, as did DiNozzo" Gibbs replied. Abby and Ziva looked at each other in horror knowing the outcome of Tony and McGee's conversation would not be good.
McGee paced up and down in his apartment glancing at the clock, 7:45. He wasn't particularly surprised. Tony never had been one for punctuality. There was a knock at the door and McGee froze in horror. This was it. It was over. He walked towards the door and opened it.
"Hey McGee," smiled Tony "Do you want to tell me what's going on?"
McGee took a deep breath and explained how he had become paranoid, how his jealousy of Abby had spiralled out of control, how he didn't know whether Tony like him as much as he like him, or even if he like him at all. Tony sat in silence, staring McGee like he was crazy before explaining that he would never cheat on McGee because he was kind and wonderful and how Abby was like a sister and how dating her would just be wrong. McGee had heard this before, both from Ziva and inside his own head but hearing it from Tony made them true, He felt happier than he had done in week, as if all his jealousy and paranoia had been washed away. He looked at his boyfriend, but Tony's face was full of sadness.
"What's wrong Tony?" he asked
"There's something I haven't told you Tim" Tony started, "I'm so, so sorry and I wish it wasn't true and I could change it… but I can't." Tears had begun to splash down his face as he turned to McGee.
"I'm not in love with you anymore."
So. I hope you liked it. Please review it if you did or didn't cos I'd love to know!!