Funhouse Slide Into Madness
"Get offa me!"
"Stop hitting Mr. J, Red!"
"Don't touch me, you disgusting creep!"
"Are we there yet, Bats?"
Batman pulled the car over and snapped, "Get in the backseat, Robin."
Robin stared at him, incredulous. "What?" he gasped.
"Get in the backseat," repeated Batman, standing up and going around to the backdoor. He ripped the Joker out of the backseat and brought him round to the front, with Harley Quinn shrieking in protest.
"Mr. J!" she sobbed, reaching out to him as Robin reluctantly vacated the front seat and Batman shoved Joker into it. Robin tentatively climbed into the backseat next to Harley and Poison Ivy, who glared at him as Batman resumed the drive.
"You need to keep your distance. I don't like boys, Boy Wonder," Ivy growled.
"Yeah, I've heard that rumor!" laughed Joker. "Glad you can finally admit you bat for the other team, Pammie. It's a big step toward happiness."
"Too bad some of us are still in the closet!" snapped back Ivy.
"Mr. J ain't in no closet!" retorted Harley. "He's all man, and he's really into his Harley girl, ain't ya, Mr. J?" she breathed, wrapping her arms around the front seat.
"You know I'm a one woman loon, pumpkin," he replied, patting her hand. "Stop choking Daddy now – there's a time and a place for that kinda behavior. We wouldn't wanna make Bats jealous, lonely, single freak that he is. Well, the Boy Toy Blunder always excepted, of course!" he giggled.
Batman's hands tightened on the wheel but he said nothing, staring straight ahead. Sometimes he felt like a glorified babysitter responsible for the care of the world's most evil, psychotic children. That's what these people were – children who saw murder and mayhem as some sick game, something that didn't really mean anything, that was just pretend. But at least children could be taught, unlike these lunatics.
"I said keep your distance, Birdie Boy!" snarled Ivy, shoving him back.
"I haven't moved!" shouted Robin.
"Yeah, that's the problem!" she retorted. "Back off!" She shoved him again, so that he knocked against Harley.
"Hey! Hands off Mr. J's merchandise!" snapped Harley, shoving him back.
"Now play nice, kiddies!" chuckled Joker, turning around. "You wouldn't want your mother and me to have to pull the car over and spank you, would you?"
"I would, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, beaming in delight. "I think your little girl deserves a real hard spanking, my big, bad, strong lover, for getting caught by Batsy. What do you think, puddin'?" she breathed, wrapping her arms around him again and licking his cheek. "Wanna rev up your Harley a little?"
"That's disgusting," said Robin, making a face.
"It's true love, ya jerk!" snapped Harley, glaring at him. "Sorry you're too young to understand!"
"No, it is just objectively disgusting," agreed Ivy. "And when you're older, kid, you'll just be even more disgusted by it."
"Somebody's jealous, Pammie!" giggled Joker. "Well, I don't blame you. I'm quite the catch. And I imagine any warm body must seem pretty appealing to you after having to settle for plants for so long, huh?"
"I can have anyone I want, whenever I want, however I want," growled Ivy.
"Not me," retorted Joker, grinning.
"I would never want you," retorted Ivy. "I'd have to be out of my mind."
"Yeah, I am kinda mad for him," sighed Harley, adoringly. "But he just drives me crazy, doncha, puddin'?" she cooed, ruffling his hair.
"I told you, baby, not in front of Bats," he chuckled. "It's cruel, and I ain't a cruel guy. You and Kitty have had another falling out, so I hear," he said, grinning at Batman. "Kinda funny, isn't it, Bats, that you can't hold down a stable relationship even though you're meant to be a stable kinda guy? While Harley and me are in a real committed relationship, ain't we, baby?" he giggled.
She giggled too, planting kisses on his face. "Robin, restrain her," snapped Batman.
"What?" repeated Robin.
"You heard me," retorted Batman.
Robin sighed, and grabbed Harley's arm, dragging her back. "Don't touch me, ya little brat!" she shrieked, slapping him away.
"I said stay away!" shouted Ivy, shoving Robin again.
"Stop pushing me then!" snapped Robin.
"You started it!"
"I did not!"
"I saw it, Red, he did start it."
"You're crazy, but I guess that's obvious."
"You watch your mouth, Birdie Boy! Mr. J, the Bird called me crazy! You're gonna punish him, right?"
"Him and the rest of the world, baby, just as soon as we bust outta Arkham. Cause you know that's what's gonna happen when you take us back, right, Bats?" Joker said, grinning at Batman. "You know we're just gonna break out and do it all again? I never get sick of the game, but then I am kinda a fun guy. Surprised you haven't got sick of it, though. Surprised you haven't just wanted to end it. It would be so easy, too. All ya gotta do is snap."
Batman didn't respond, tightening his grip on the steering wheel again. He gritted his teeth and tried to ignore Joker's voice. For some reason it was really getting to him today.
"Mr. J, he's touching me again!"
"I am not!
"Just get off!"
"I said stop pushing me!"
Batman slammed suddenly on the brakes, sending everyone jolting forward. "All right, listen to me!" he shouted, in a voice none of the villains had ever heard before, and Robin had heard only rarely. "Everyone is going to stop talking right now! If I hear another sound out of any of you for the rest of the ride, you will be arriving at Arkham unconscious and in need of an urgent trip to the nurse's office! Do I make myself clear?!"
Everyone just stared at him, stunned. Then the three in the backseat nodded vigorously. Batman glared at Joker, who grinned back at him. "Yes, Mommy," he chuckled.
Harley giggled again, but shrieked suddenly when Batman grabbed Joker by the back of the head and slammed his face into the glove compartment. Then he resumed his driving.
Joker leaned backward, pinching his nose and trying to stem the blood flow. "Can't you take a joke, Bats?" he muttered.
He was still bleeding when they arrived at Arkham Asylum, and Batman handed them over to the guards without a word. He turned and strode from the building with Joker staring after him. Then he chuckled as he was dragged off down the hall. "I think it's finally happened," he giggled to himself. "I think I broke his brain."