Perfection
The dagger went into my heart. There was no stopping it as she drove it towards my heart my entire life flashed before my eyes. I suddenly realised what I would be remembered for. Nothing. I screamed as I fell to the ground. Blood poured from my arteries. Tears came down from face as I knew now I was going to die. I would die as a person who ran from what I really was. I was a weakling who couldn't stand the sight oh blood or someone dying. I had nightmares and cried every night and I had been destroyed mentally and physically destroyed. I have loved to have my heart broke many times and I have died inside to many times. I don't deserve to live. Now the dagger at the start was metaphorical it was placed there by someone who on purpose hurt me physically and mentally. It hurt me to see that dagger go in to me cause I knew she meant it and that hurt me more. I had loved her and she had made me destroyed on the insides so much that I love her even more when I shouldn't do. I should hate her but i love her even more but I know she will never ever love me as I'm am basically imperfection where she is perfection
I felt every word she said I felt every punch she threw. I knew when I hurt but i knew couldn't scream or show any weakness as I didn't want to know the truth. I don't want to know what I actually felt for her. It wasn't what I thought. It was actually something deeper than hate. My hate had blossomed into love and I couldn't control it. Thought it was funny the way she concealed her love for him and beat me like a slave . But I know she doesn't feel the same way about me she loves a guy who is much better in every way than me. She likes him and I can never compete with that. So I hide my feelings as they slowly but surely turn into jealousy and tear me up from my insides. I hate jealousy it turns me into someone else it turns me into a monster who's selfish and bitchy. I knew what I had to do...
I knew she would never like me. That feeling was like having a gun pointed at my head. I was just waiting for her to pull the trigger and end my misery. I knew the only thing I could do was pretend it was all okay and smile and laugh but I knew when I was hurt and I knew when to fake and not. And from now on I would mask my feelings with pretend happiness.
But today I have fucking had enough I have had enough of her beating me, breaking me, destroying me. I act like it's all ok but i know what I wish i could do. I wish I could actually stand up for my self.
I now know what the only option for me is to write my feelings and make sure no one ever finds out about them like they have in the past. I chased down all my Deamons and now I swallow the fear cause if I show it has won over me. I can't show love or fear cause my love will never be returned and my fear will always be returned. My greatest fear is that she will be hurt physically and mentally and I fear I can prevent either of those. So if anyone hurts her I fear I will only make it worse. All that u want is for her to be happy and I know she would be happier with him than she ever would be with me.
I know now that the only choice for me is to sit quietly and try and help her than be jealous.
The end