AN: I probably shouldn't reveal this about myself as it speaks to my level of immaturity, but every time I wrote something that sounded like a double entendre, I giggled.
Disclaimer: Not mine, however much I would love a chocobo.
SOLDIER's Frenzies
Bracing his shoulder on the door, Zack put as much of his weight against it as he could and – silently, sneakily – lifted the latch and slid it open, unconsciously holding his breath. Unfortunately, his efforts were for naught. As soon the doors were no longer barred by anything other than the dark-haired teen's person, they exploded open, knocking him violently off his feet and onto his back, a black blur streaking out above him. Zack's anger meter instantly overloaded and erupted in the form of a bellow.
"SE-PHI-ROOOOTH!!" He let out one more unintelligible yell then sat up, elbows on his knees, hands fisted in his hair. He really, really needed to talk to Sephiroth about this.
"You really ought to talk to Sephiroth about that." Zack sighed before looking up at his fellow keeper and partner-in-crime (so to speak, as they had still managed to keep their venture a secret from the powers-that-be), standing above him, shaking his head but offering a hand. With another sigh, Zack accepted Cloud's hand and followed him into the stable.
"I know, I know. I will, as soon as I can get ahold of him. Must be busy or something. Bastard's not answering my calls." The blond teen just shook his head, probably partly at the slur on their commanding officer and partly that the other teen even had the right to call him at all. However, he didn't comment, merely went about their daily routine, although in Cloud's case it was less "daily" and more "whenever there was spare time and he could slip away".
As Cloud began opening the stall doors and freeing the occupants, Zack grabbed a harness and saddle and opened one of his own. The beautiful yellow bird inside cooed and shook out her feathers happily.
"Hey, baby," he greeted her with a smile, stroking the feathers around her beak and just under her eye. "I hate to say it, but we gotta go chase down that miserable excuse for a demon chicken's reject spawn…." Aerith butted him and he brought himself back to the point. "Anyway, okay if breakfast is late again?" In question he held out the harness and she lowered her head, allowing him better access to put it on her. With a grin he did so, murmuring, "That's my girl." She remained still when he fixed the saddle on her as well and with one more pat he picked up the reins and led her out.
"Sorry about leaving you with all this again," he called over to Cloud, but the blond just gave him one of his small smiles and waved him off. Zack grimaced, adding, "Shouldn't take too long; we're getting pretty good at this." Which, unfortunately, was true.
Once they were outside, Zack climbed into the saddle and directed Aerith southwest and she started with very little encouragement. That was one good thing about this, Zack supposed, if he were to take any positives out of it. He'd gotten a good deal of riding practice in and found Aerith to be perfect in just about every way. Of course they were both still learning about what was involved in the riding process, but both were fast learners and Zack believed that the bonding they'd done from chickhood until now had aided considerably as well. The result was a steed who reacted swiftly and correctly to even the smallest of indications. Not that Zack thought of the chocobo as merely transportation. There was no way he'd ever be able to think of any of them in terms that simple. Especially Aerith. And the tonberry-sucking dust-rag they were now pursuing.
The evil bird had only gotten craftier as he had gotten older and been taken under Sephiroth's care and Zack sometimes wondered if the man hadn't somehow increased the chocobo's deviousness simply by virtue of contact. Thankfully the daily trouncings had stop as Sephiroth had deemed them unworthy of such a noble animal and Sephy quickly complied with his master's wishes. (He said it was to distinguish the two when they were together, but really Zack just liked saying "Sephy" to get a rile out of them, especially when he was deliberately obtuse about whose attention he was trying to attract.)
However, the past few days had provided a new obstacle. The birds were nearly a year old now and while it would still be another year until they reached their ultimate heights and mass, they were large enough to begin riding training. This had seemed to spike Sephiroth's energy limits to new levels and each day of the past week had started off by the bird bodily forcing his way out into the open, despite all of Zack's pains to prevent the incident. It might have been a different matter if the birds were still being housed in the empty storage shed, but due to their size that was no longer an option.
Once upon a time, before ShinRa had begun heavily investing in its technology department, chocobos had been the main form of transportation given that they were – relatively speaking – light, speedy and able to traverse a wide variety of terrains. Therefore the stables and grounds had been quite extensive, occupying hundreds of acres of land just outside Midgar. But as the need for the birds died down, the use of the stables was continually cut back until only three of the original twenty-five or so remained in use. Of the rest, the majority of the stables had been leveled and the land taken for other purposes such as weapons testing. But there were still the odd abandoned buildings and Sephiroth had requested – or more likely demanded – the use of one. No explanations were asked and none were given and thus the three conspirators had a place for their rapidly growing brood.
It was a great move for all parties concerned. There was more than enough room for the seven birds and being out of the city had taken them out from under ShinRa's watchful eye. The chocobos were certainly much happier with the added freedom and Zack was pleased to be able to provide it for them (courtesy of Sephiroth, of course). The flipside was that now that they were out of the confines of the city, there was a whole wide space to get lost in. Of course there was a fence around the paddock and the boundaries of the stable grounds, but what did a fence mean to a black chocobo, especially one clever enough to figure out how to open his own stall door every morning?
Rage had warred with panic the first time the chocobo had forced his way free and, almost without thought, Zack had grabbed Aerith and leapt on, sans saddle, in pursuit. It had definitely been a crash course in riding for both of them but they handled it admirably and without disaster. Though Sephiroth had a head start, Zack caught sight of the fugitive and chased him down. The bird ended up at the top of tree where, of course, Aerith could not follow. The dark-haired teen was forced to scale the tree and essentially tackle the chocobo back to the ground. (Thankfully, gravity didn't mean much to a SOLDIER.) Then he'd used his belt as a leash and, with Aerith's help, hauled the offender back.
Assuming that Sephiroth would try the trick again, Zack tried, over and over, to prevent his outbreak but had been overwhelmed each time. Every morning the bird managed to work around Zack's increasingly complicated and elaborate locking mechanisms, and every morning the chocobo used the advantage of his greater mass to bust his way out. Each time the bird headed to the same spot and each time Zack became just a bit more lackadaisical about his pursual. Sadly, it was becoming routine.
It wasn't a very long trip and the young SOLDIER enjoyed it as much as possible, even taking a couple of minutes to practice basic commands with Aerith while they moved. Then they came up on the tree and what Zack saw – or rather, didn't see – filled him with a dread even worse than that which he'd felt during the first break-out. Sephiroth wasn't there.
Shit. Oh, this is bad…. Zack reined Aerith in just under the tree and began looking around, craning his neck in every direction, hoping that his vantage point from the saddle would aid his search. But he saw nothing, not a trace. Nor did he hear anything.
Not sure what else to do and wanting to be in action somehow, Zack decided to continue southwest, in case the bird had expanded his flight zone. If that didn't work – well, he would just keep looking.
After about ten minutes, they came along a ravine of sorts. It was fairly deep and the side that they were currently traveling alongside was not sheer but very steep. The opposite side sloped up much more gently and not nearly as high. Zack gave it a glance but then returned his attention out into the field, straining to see any hint of the missing beast. However, Aerith kept an eye down in the slash of earth while she moved and her warning chirp and halt a minute later drew the teen's attention to where it ought to have been in the first place.
"Oh. Oh no. Oh, please no…." At the bottom of the ditch was a large black blob, feathers rustling gently in the breeze but otherwise completely unidentifiable as a living thing. Without any thought Zack hopped out of the saddle and began making his way as quickly as possible to the bottom of the steep slope, alternately leaping and sliding down.
When he reached the bottom he had to force himself to move forward, his body momentarily frozen by his reluctance to confirm the worst. He approached slowly and with a trembling but gentle hand reached out and touched the inert bird. At the contact, the chocobo raised his head and Zack sucked in a sudden breath, unaware that he'd been holding it.
"Oh, Sephy. Oh, thank you." The appellation was used in affection rather than teasing as a wave of pure relief washed through the tense SOLDIER. The relief rapidly ebbed, though, as the bird made no move to stand and merely blinked sleepily at him, and Zack noticed for the first time that the bird's feathers seemed unusually puffed.
"Sephy? What's the matter, babe?" The chocobo shook out his feathers in response and fluffed them again to quivering fullness and continued the heavy blinking. Slowly, Zack began circling the prone bird, looking for anything that seemed out of sorts. As he rounded the back of Sephiroth and came to his right side he saw a patch of feathers on the wing that seemed to be wet. Another icy stab of dread hit Zack's stomach but he pushed it away as he pulled off his glove and touched the spot while making soft soothing noises.
Sephiroth made no move to Zack's mild brushes, seeming not to mind, but the teen's hand shook as he pulled back and saw his fingers coated with red. Zack's mind raced with possibilities – had the bird been attacked by some creature? or had he fallen? was something broken? were there internal injuries? He shook himself back into the present. It didn't matter what was wrong, all that mattered was he had to get help.
"Alright, Sephy, it's okay. It'll be fine. You just have to come with me." Quickly but still gently, Zack coaxed the bird to his feet and began leading him up the treacherous slope. "Aerith!" he called up, "Meet me down there!" He pointed to a spot farther down the ravine and the yellow chocobo immediately complied. Using a diagonal path, the two slowly climbed up the side, Zack bracing the bird very carefully on his right side in case he slipped. But, blessedly, there were no mishaps and when they reached the top, Zack beckoned Aerith to Sephiroth's other side to lend support as he set a swift pace back to the stable grounds. One of the ones still in use had a vet on call and that was the one he aimed for.
Sephiroth appeared fine during the seemingly interminable journey but Zack wasn't about to take anything to chance. He knew enough about birds to know that they were experts at hiding ailments until it was too late. They finally reached the stable and Zack hurried the bird inside, calling as he scanned the area for the vet.
"Hello? Is anybody here??" A desperate edge was beginning to creep into his voice as he continued down the row of stalls, ignoring the curious glances from the other chocobos. "I need help!" He was about to give up, thinking he'd gone to the wrong stables when he heard hints of a song. Stopping, he honed in on the noise. It was coming from the very last stall, and not a radio, but someone's voice. Zack trotted to the stall, urging Sephiroth to keep up with him, and peeked inside. A woman with her back to him was currently crouching down to feed a couple of very young-looking chicks.
"Excuse me?" The woman started a bit and turned around, pulling a set of earbuds off and reaching down to switch off the player that Zack now noticed clipped to her loose black pants. She stood, flipping her long brown hair behind her shoulder – making the silver hoops in her right ear ting – and pushing her wire-rim glasses up with a movement that reminded Zack of Lazard.
"What can I do for you?" she inquired with a child-like voice. The dark-haired teen eyed her dubiously. She was tiny, at least a foot shorter than his own 6'3" and she looked Cloud's age. Not, of course, that that necessarily meant anything as Zack well knew, but he was expecting someone authoritative-looking in a white coat maybe, not someone wearing casual pants, a low-cut teal tank top with the words, "Hey! Listen!" printed on it, and no shoes. Seeing Zack looking at her bare feet, she smiled wryly and gestured to a corner of the stall where a pair of sandals had been tossed.
"Did you need something?" she asked with a hint of impatience and Zack snapped back to the situation at hand.
"Uh, yeah. This chocobo is hurt. I don't know where exactly, and I'm not sure what happened." He moved back so she could step out of the stall and take a look at Sephiroth.
"Well, hello, Beautiful," she cooed sweetly as she began, with gentle but sure hands, to exam the chocobo. Reaching the right side, she delicately extended the wing, humming and clucking reassuringly.
Unable to contain his nervous energy, Zack paced back and forth and finally opened his mouth when it seemed like she wasn't going to volunteer any of her findings.
"So, um, Dr…." He managed to locate her nameplate which was, oddly, clipping back a section of hair on the left side of her head. "Dr. Philomena?"
"Phi," she replied still scrutinizing the bird.
"Huh?" he responded dumbly, thrown off.
This time she looked at him. "Phi," she repeated, making a loopy symbol that Zack couldn't really follow with her index finger. When he continued to look at her blankly, her mouth quirked and she added, "Just call me Phi."
"Oh. So, Phi, do you know what's wrong?"
"Yep. Seen it a hundred times. Just double-checking everything." Zack thought he saw a flash of blue light in her hand as she took another minute to look over the bird, but didn't pay much attention as he waited for her to tell him what was wrong and if it was fixable.
However, all she said was, "This way," before taking off for the opposite end of the stable at a deceptively easy-looking but incredibly brisk stride. The SOLDIER hurried after her with Sephiroth by his side.
He stumbled and nearly fell on his face when Phi suddenly added, "We'll just have to amputate."
"Wh-what?" Zack choked out, his eyes wide in horrified disbelief.
"Amputate," she repeated without even looking back. She halted abruptly in front of a set of doors next to the last stall and opened them to reveal another stall of sorts, but larger, completely enclosed, and containing an odd harness contraption suspended from the ceiling as well as a short counter with a sink and over-head cabinets. Crossing to the counter, Phi opened a drawer and removed a shining silver tool that greatly resembled a giant pair of pliers, before turning around to see Zack staring at her like a fish gasping for air. A violent laugh burst from her lips despite her efforts to keep it in and she clapped the back of her hand to her mouth, her shoulders shaking. Now Zack was looking at her in complete confusion with just a hint of irritation.
"I'm sorry," she got out when she'd contained herself. "A tiny joke. My sense of humor …." She waved a hand vaguely and flashed him an innocent grin. "You'll see what I mean. Bring him in here, would you?"
Definitely unsure now and wondering if it wouldn't be better to flee for their lives, the teen nevertheless complied, guiding the still eerily compliant bird into the room and closing the door when Phi requested it.
"Now put those big strong SOLDIER arms to good use and hold him for me. Just around there. Keep as tight as you can, try to keep him from flailing. Good. You might want to get a grip on his head, too. This isn't going to feel too good and he may bite. Tuck it against your shoulder. Great. Alright now, keep him still." Gently but firmly she extended the right wing, spreading the feathers until she located one in particular. She took the pliers-thing and, clamping them near what looked like the base of the feather, pulled in one smooth, strong motion. Sephiroth warked loudly and Zack went momentarily cross-eyed as his ear rung.
It was over in a matter of seconds and Phi was left holding an odd-looking object that mainly resembled a feather but with a strange waxy covering that ran most of its length. It was obviously the source of the blood as red now dotted and smeared the formerly pristine instrument.
"Happens all the time in young birds," Phi commented, using one hand to spread out some paper to lay the feather on. "They're clumsy and not entirely aware of their own bodies and, especially if they're over-exuberant, they're prone to breaking blood feathers. Easily remedied, but it can be very serious. You did well bringing him here as soon as you did."
"Oh, Sephy," Zack murmured, using his hold on the bird to embrace him for a moment. "I'm so glad you're alright." Then he released the chocobo as soon as Phi finished making sure she'd removed all of the feather and the bleeding was stopped.
"So, not too bad for an amputation, yeah?" Phi smiled at him.
Zack returned the smile. "I was really worried. Thank you, very much. Could I take you out to lunch? or dinner? My treat." To his surprise, she burst out laughing.
"No thanks," she replied with a wide grin. "Living on SOLIDER pay, huh?" The dark-haired teen glanced away and scratched his head. "Even a 1st Class? Tsk tsk. Hmm." She was silent for a moment, pretending to think. "Well, I suppose this will do for payment." Craning her neck and turning her head slightly, she put a finger to her cheek. After a second of incomprehension, the light went off in Zack's head and he chuckled before leaning down to plant a brief but solid kiss on Phi's cheek.
"Yep, that will do just fine," she concluded, smiling brightly. Then her gaze shifted to a point over Zack's shoulder and her smile transformed into a wicked grin. "So, 'Sephy', is it? Is that some sort of homage? I'm sure Sephiroth doesn't need another tribute." The hair on the back of Zack's neck raised and he swore the temperature in the room plummeted as he realized who must be standing behind him.
Fuck. He was trapped in a room with a crazy vet, the General's psycho bird and now the General's scary-ass self. Maybe I could … no, there's no way out of this for me. Sephiroth is going to have me stuffed and mounted on his wall. ShinRa will tell everyone it was my dying wish. Well, might as well go down smiling. Grinning at Phi, he answered, "It wasn't exactly a tribute." Keeping the grin on his face, he looked back over his shoulder and met Sephiroth's eyes. The silver-haired man was giving him a look that appeared hard and penetrating but Zack knew him well enough by this time to realize that he was actually quietly amused. Anybody out there listening, please keep him in a good mood.
"How is the chocobo, doctor?"
"Just fine. It was a simple problem, common. Perhaps you'd like the souvenir." She gestured to the removed feather with a shadow of her earlier grin.
"No," Sephiroth answered simply. Ignoring Phi then, he approached the chocobo and – sliding his glove off – began stroking his cheek then scratched the bird's jawbone when he cooed and clicked beak contentedly, tilting his head. A faint smile had curved Sephiroth's lips and Phi and Zack couldn't help but watch in silence with their own quiet smiles.
Rather abruptly he ceased the petting and spoke again to Phi. "If you're finished then, the bird will be returned to his proper place."
To Zack's surprise (and no doubt Sephiroth's as well), Phi landed a hand on his arm to halt his movement. "Oh, there is one other thing. That's an unregistered chocobo you have there, General." She said the term in a lightly mocking tone, as though she found it amusing. Zack froze, certain for the second time that he was about to see someone slain by the Masamune and he wondered if he dared intervene to spare the mad vet from her premature death.
"What do you plan on doing about that?" Sephiroth inquired, making the question sound more like he was curious than concerned.
The wicked grin flashed across Phi's face again and Zack's face once more did its impression of a dying fish as he watched her reach out and twirl some of Sephiroth's silky silver strands around her finger. The teen nearly hit the floor when he heard her ask, "I suppose you still won't let me see if you're naturally silver?"
"One of these days I'm going to have you submitted for psychiatric evaluation," was the man's calm reply.
"You first, gorgeous," she retorted sweetly, before heaving a false sigh. "Then I suppose the price will be … a bottle of shampoo and conditioner."
Sephiroth arched a brow. "Just one of each?"
Phi rolled her eyes. "Not all of us use an entire bottle each time, 'Sephy'." This last thing was the breaking point for Zack and he quickly clapped a hand to his mouth but not quite in time to entirely hide the laugh attempting to break free. The other two gave him twin looks clearly asking what he could possibly have found so amusing. The dark-haired teen immediately became very interested in examining the removed feather, still fighting giggles. The whole thing was so ridiculous and vaguely surreal – it even looked bizarre as the top of Phi's head only came up to around where the straps crossed over Sephiroth's chest.
"Fine," Sephiroth continued. "I'll see that you get them. And just so you know, in the future you may be seeing some other unregistered chocobos."
"Like what?"
"Two yellow males, one yellow female, two green males, and a blue male."
"Alright, I'll keep that in mind. But you should careful, Sephiroth. I don't want anything to happen to those birds should anyone else find out. And I know you don't either."
The silver-haired man nodded shortly. "I am working to correct the problem."
"Okay. Hear that, handsome?" Phi suddenly turned to Zack. "Any more issues, bring the birds straight here. Just try to be discreet."
"I'll do that," he agreed. Then he added, "By the way, it's Zack."
"Eh. Zack, handsome, whatever." Her eyes twinkled as she smiled at him. "Now, if you boys would get out of here, I have some hungry babies demanding my attention, I'm sure." She swept an arm out to indicate they should leave first but Sephiroth merely smiled and said, "Age before beauty." Phi gave him a dark look then exhaled sharply through her nose and lifted her chin, saying silently that she found it beneath her to retaliate. Still, she did exit first, heading back to the other end of the stable and leaving the two SOLDIERs alone.
Some his earlier nervousness stole back over Zack, this time not because he feared retribution, but because he truly felt bad about what had happened.
"Sephiroth," he began, looking the man in the eye, hoping he would see the sincerity, "I am so sorry. It was my fault—"
"Zack." The teen stopped talking. "You were not responsible for the bird's injury. You brought him directly to medical help. And I know that, despite the things you may say, you care for each of them. There's no reason to feel guilt."
"I should have told you earlier about my problem," Zack insisted.
Sephiroth arched a brow slightly. "I purposely made myself unavailable. I'm not sure how you might have gotten my attention."
"I could have catapulted a certain black fuzzball into the ShinRa building," Zack muttered.
The smile reappeared. "Yes, I suppose that would have done it." Sephiroth's face resumed its normal composure as he continued in a business-like manner. "I will be working on obtaining registrations for all the birds so that they will be free to be housed in other stables, as well as receive medical care without having to be concerned about secrecy. Of course, it will be understood that these chocobos are for my use only or anyone I deem fit. I believe you favor Aerith?"
"And Angeal," Zack added softly.
The General nodded in acknowledgement then continued. "Cloud for Cloud?" Zack snickered and nodded. "Anyone else?"
"2nd Class Kunsel has shown interest in Genesis. A 3rd Class, Luxiere, would be well suited to Tseng, I think. And, uh, Cissnei might be willing to take Reno."
"Very well. Confirm with them and report back to me. Meanwhile, I will request immediate use of a stall in the main stable and Sephiroth can be moved there. This should help with your problem. There are several well-experienced handlers on staff and I believe the influence of older birds will be beneficial as well."
"Sounds good." Zack hesitated for a moment then started, "Um, do you think … I mean, not all the time or anything, but if you wouldn't mind…."
As usual Sephiroth was able to decipher the meaning behind the teen's babble and answered with a smile, "If Sephiroth has no objections to you visiting him, I have none either."
Zack grinned and turned to the bird. "What do you say, hmm, Sephy?" he coaxed lowly. The chocobo regarded him closely for a full minute before shaking out his feathers and giving a single "wark!" and then deigning to lower his head so Zack could ruffle the feathers behind his head.
"Alright then." Zack grinned at the two Sephiroth's. A noise at the stable doors caught his attention and he turned to see Aerith poking her head in through the opening.
"Baby! I'm so sorry!" Zack crossed to her and embraced her lightly while she cooed in his ear, nipping playfully at his shirt. "You were wonderful – I never could have gotten here without you." He pulled back to look her in the eye. "How about some of the really good greens today, huh?" She perked up excitedly at the word "greens", as did Sephiroth. "Yeah, you too, Sephy, after all you've been through." Even though you also caused it…. Zack couldn't help thinking.
"Can I trust you to get them back to the stable without any difficulties?" Sephiroth asked with a slight smirk.
Zack grinned confidently. "I don't think that'll be a problem. Right, guys?" The chococbos warked in agreement. "Yeah. We're all good here."
AN: I know this one isn't as cute or funny as the others. The fact is that Sephiroth (who, incidentally, was the biggest pain in my butt) was born weak and I was afraid every day that he was going to break my heart. Somehow in spite – or perhaps because – of all the trouble he caused me, and at least in part because of his prettiness – white with slate blue – he'd become my favorite. (Followed closely by Zack, who is cute as a button and sweet to boot. I don't care what Juliet says, there is something in a name.) Sadly, a couple of days into my starting this one, Sephiroth shuffled his mortal coil. (Right after I finished the Nibelheim chapter of Crisis Core. Pile it on, Fate.) So – more for my peace of mind than anything else – this is for Sephiroth.
Bonus: Review for me, and I'll post the crack ficlet "SOLDIER's Battles".
Originally written 7 Apr. '08