Disclaimer: As always, I don't own anything recognizable.
This fic was written for a challenge at gameofcards over at LJ. It ignores everything in the fifth season as I only had access to the first four seasons via Netflix. The prompt was one of three things - I chose the quote option despite not being a Taylor Swift fan: "You and I walk a fragile line/I have known it all this time/But I never thought I'd live to see it break." The title comes from Give Me A Sign by Breaking Benjamin.
It breaks her heart when she finally hears Steve say the words.
"I love you, you know."
Catherine has waited years for something – anything – that acknowledged what she and Steve are something. She was patient because she loves him and she knows how hard it is for him to trust anyone.
Steve is always the tough guy, the one who never shows how deeply things get to him. But she knows him. She reads it in the way he looks at his father's desk when he thinks she's not looking and the way he stands when he looks out at the sunset at his house with a bottle of beer in his hand. She sees it in the exhaustion after a long case. She never says anything, but she knows.
She will not admit it to anyone, but not knowing what she was to him has weighed on her. The uncertainty has left her not knowing where they stand sometimes. The thought of being with Steve makes her ridiculously happy, but it has always been so fragile. It is as if he expects her to disappear the instant he puts a label on their relationship and lets anyone else know she means something to him.
But now – now she has to do this and it has to be alone. She has to find Najib and Steve cannot help her anymore. She almost lost him once because she brought him with her. She trusts him without question, but knowing what could have happened to him makes her sick. (She knows that Honolulu is just as dangerous, but she trusts Danny to take care of Steve when he stops thinking about himself.)
"I love you, too."
She wants to cry. The words burn in her throat. She waited so long to hear those words and to say them back. She should be relieved – or happy. But she is not. It kills her to say the words now, when she is walking away from him and she does not even know if she will see him again. (She does not even know if he will wait for her. She does not dare hope that if she ever gets back to Hawai'i Steve will still be waiting for her. She does not even know if she will make it back.)
It kills her a little to hang up the phone and start moving. There is no closure. Things just are – and it is a gaping sore that refuses to heal.
Time passes. Steve does not call her. She does not call him. His admission rattles around in her mind, turning over and over in her thoughts when she has a free moment. She clings to it like a lifeline while she searches for Najib.
When she finally finds him and it is over it seems almost anticlimactic. (It isn't. She gets shot at multiple times and barely gets him to safety without one of them getting hit.) She has spent months searching and suddenly it is over. Najib is back with his parents and all is well. (As well is it can be, at least.)
Cath should be able to breathe a sigh of relief. Instead, she finds herself drifting. She goes back to America with her mission accomplished. She considers flying through Honolulu – or to Honolulu – and decides against it. She travels to Paris and flies to London and then on to JFK a few weeks later. She feels anchorless. Without the Navy – without Steve and Five-0 – she hardly knows what to do.
Regret keeps the thought of Steve close. It feels like it did the last time they ended things. It feels like she and Steve are over and like it might be her fault. A year ago, things were good. They were happy together. She did not need his admission of love to be happy with him – she was content to wait until he was ready to say it, if he ever did. Now It feels like they are broken.
It takes Kono and Adam's wedding to bring her back to Hawai'i. Apprehension fills her when she steps off the plane. She knows Steve will not be there to meet her. He does not even know she is coming.
She tries not to let herself hope – hope is such a dangerous thing. But she loves him. She loves him and even if they are broken, she needs closure. She needs to know what could have been and if there is a chance. Even if it breaks her heart, she would rather know than keep it turning in her head. She would rather know then spend the rest of her life regretting and wishing she had gone to face him.
The apprehension does not fade when she finally sees him, but a sense of peace settles around her. No matter what, she still loves him. Whatever that means, whatever he feels – she can live with the rest.