AN: You read that right - this is a collaboration with MleeWrite and Donna. I'm so far beyond excited for this that it's not even funny. As you might have guessed, this has a Christmas slant to it, which I'm also ridiculously happy about.
Anyway, I'm up first! Hope you enjoy!
Blue Christmas
Dear Lisbon,
This letter will self-destruct in five seconds.
In reality, there's so much I want to tell you about life as it is now, but just can't. Isn't that ironic? You always hated not knowing my plans, and now that I'm more than willing to tell them to you, I'm afraid for both of our sakes if I do. Deniability for you, like always. That sometimes seems like it was the only thing I could ever do to protect you...
xXxPresent DayxXx
As it turned out, people in Texas reacted to cold weather about the same way people of California did: poorly. Jane lost track of how many people he caught muttering under their breath as they rubbed their cold hands together in the elevator, or the number of space heaters that were suddenly popping up all over the bullpen. There was probably some sort of fire hazard brewing, and he half-expected for the lights to start flickering because of the drain on the power supply.
Of course, this was the FBI in all of its glory, so nothing of the sort occurred. Nothing to disrupt the cold, austere nature of the place.
Except him, naturally.
A brown leather couch was wedged in one corner of the room, a filing cabinet acting as an end table next to it. It wasn't as comfortable as the one he'd had at the CBI, but it would do.
Especially since the desk closest to him was occupied by Lisbon.
She was enjoying Texas, enjoying her work, and the thought made him smile. For a while, he had been worried that she would turn down the job offer just to be difficult, to show him that he had no business trying to control her life.
He would have deserved it.
One of these days, he needed to apologize.
You think you know what's good for my life. But you haven't been a part of my life in two years.
Her words had stung, deeply.
No, he hadn't been a part of her life. She had moved on, had left the state, had bought an actual house and become part of a community.
And he had...what? Been in limbo? He certainly hadn't gotten on with his life, not really. He drank tea, watered plants, wrote letters to Lisbon, clung to her like she was the only thing holding him fast to the earth.
That was true in more ways than one.
It had never crossed his mind that she hadn't been doing the same, hadn't been so deeply entrenched in the past that she couldn't see the future.
He had just assumed that she wanted to be back with him as much as he wanted to be with her. So he had included her in his terms of employment, had been shocked when she told him what was on her mind.
In the past twelve years, he'd known he'd hurt her.
But she had never told him.
Oh, she'd come close when he'd surprised her in that church before the whole mess in Las Vegas had gone down, telling him that he'd betrayed her trust, that they were a family. It was all still cop speak.
On the plane, though, it had been about her.
He was realizing how horrifically selfish he had been. He had no right to expect her unwavering devotion, had no right to expect her to drop everything for him, again. He had just never been forced to acknowledge that before.
He found he very much did not like knowing he'd hurt her.
The guilt rankled, his own pain coursing through his heart. What if she stuck to her word? What if she went back to Washington, despite her obvious boredom there?
What if she left him?
And then he remembered that he had left her, many times. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally, both with the same effect.
It was long past the time for some atonement.
Not just for his latest sin, either. If he had been keeping track, he could have come up with a very long list of regrets.
At the time he had committed his transgressions, he hadn't thought about their long-term consequences. They had been means to an end, things to worry about when Red John was dead and gone.
Well, they had arrived at that point.
He studied her profile from where he was sitting.
She was bent over something on her desk, carefully taking notes. She was determined to shine in her new position, determined to show everyone that she deserved to be where she was, that she wasn't simply there because he had demanded her.
Personally, he thought she was going one hell of a job. She had earned the respect of her peers quickly, even Agent Fischer, and once or twice Abbott had even complimented her skills. That was his Lisbon - exemplary cop turned exemplary FBI consultant.
She would have been running the CBI if he had never been in her life.
Of course, there was a whole host of issues with that statement, but the point was that he had been holding her back.
More sins, more wrongs to make right.
It was depressing to think of how thoroughly he had wrecked her life.
Deciding to stop brooding, he stood, stretching. Lisbon flicked her eyes at him once, then went back to whatever it was she was doing.
The break room here was well-proportioned and bright, but he missed the one at the CBI. Everything here was so industrialized.
The FBI had, however, acquiesced to his demands about tea. There was an entire cupboard full of his preferred brands and a shiny new electric kettle.
On his way back to the couch, he paused at Lisbon's desk to set down a fresh cup of coffee. She looked up, smiling.
"Thanks," she said, instinctively wrapping her fingers around the ceramic. "I was almost out."
He smiled back. "I know."
Their eyes held for a moment, and he felt compelled to speak. "I'm glad you decided to move here," he said quietly.
Her grin softened. "Me, too. Even if you're still a pain in the ass."
"You wouldn't know what to do with me if I wasn't," he teased.
She gave him a long, considering look. "Hm. Maybe you should try it and I could see."
His smirk became wry, and he plucked at the small, fake Christmas tree on the top of her desk. One of the chintzy bulbs fell off and cracked.
Lisbon swatted at his hand. "Hey! Now you're breaking my decorations!"
He snorted. "Decorations? This looks like you found it in a dumpster around 1989."
"Don't insult my tree," she warned, and he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, wandering back to his familiar spot in the corner of the room.
He had a desk here, too, but he tried to avoid using it. If the FBI caught him doing actual work, it would no doubt damage his reputation. Like always, Lisbon tended to do the paperwork.
There was another uncomfortable twinge.
She really had been shouldering a lot of burdens for him, both then and now, her angry words about putting her life on hold for him notwithstanding.
It was as though even though everything had changed, nothing had changed.
That wouldn't do. He'd had some romantic idea about their future together after he came back to the States. He was free now, free of the ghosts that had haunted him for so long, able to truly consider having a different sort of life. Lisbon was free, too, relieved of the being the boss, of being responsible for a team, and for him.
On the outside, it seemed like they were both in excellent positions to see where the underlying tension between them would lead.
He realized now that it was no good. He couldn't have a different relationship with him if he did nothing differently.
And there were a few things from their past he needed to fix before they could even talk about the present, let alone the future.
In the past few weeks, he had made a few subtle overtures towards her, flirted outrageously, found excuses to touch her. Though she hadn't resisted outright, had sometimes given back as good as she got, he had sensed something was off. She was holding herself back, keeping parts of her life away from him.
Thoughtful now, he crossed his legs, leaning back into the couch cushions.
He realized he had unconsciously started making a mental list of his more notable sins.
Item One: Leaving her on the beach before driving to Malibu. Yup, that was a biggie. He would never forget the joy in her eyes, the joy that he had undoubtedly crushed as he drove away.
Item Two: Leaving her for six months while he faked a breakdown in Las Vegas. He wasn't sure what she was more hurt about - his silence, his deception, or Lorelei.
Item Three: Running away in New York. Yes, he had every intention of coming back immediately, but she hadn't known that.
Item Four: Lying to her about forgetting what he said before he shot her.
Item Five: Leaving her for two years to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Item Six: Taking twelve years to be ready.
There were others, certainly, but those were the ones that kept him up at night, wondering what would have happened if he had made a different choice.
With a frown, he noted that most of his worst transgressions involved him walking out. No wonder she was gun-shy about letting him get close. In the back of her mind, she clearly thought that he could just pack up and go at any given time.
He needed to convince her that he was here to stay. Clearly, it was going to take more than just words. After all, he had lied to her before, many, many times.
"Want to get dinner later?" he asked abruptly, watching her tuck her hair behind her ears as she continued to commit another case file to memory.
She looked up, surprised. "Uh," she said. "I can't. I have plans."
It wasn't a lie, that much was obvious. He felt immediately unsettled.
And jealous.
"I'm going out for drinks with some people here," she told him. "You could come, too."
But he wasn't in the mood to be an afterthought.
"Meh," he replied, trying to keep his tone nonchalant. "Some other night."
He lapsed into silence again. In Sacramento, he wouldn't have had to deal with friends. His annoyance over the situation made him feel worse. So her entire world didn't revolve around him anymore. She was making a life for herself, trying to be happy, and he should be glad for her.
He supposed he was, but the thought of her doing all of this without him was unnerving.
At precisely 5:01, Kim Fischer appeared at Lisbon's desk. He had no idea what had happened between those two, but they had struck up some sort of friendship.
They had a great deal in common - both strong women, both used to being in charge in a male-dominated world, both married to their job.
He figured it was probably nice for both of them to have someone to relate to, even if he knew each of them were a little wary of the relationship the other had with him.
Kim desperately wanted to know if he'd ever slept with Lisbon. He figured Lisbon was wondering the same thing about Kim.
Maybe he should put them at ease by assuring them that the only woman he'd slept with in the past twelve years was Lorelei Martins. Of course, that reminder was very likely to upset Lisbon all over again, something he'd like to avoid.
"Goodnight, ladies," he said easily, his smile carefree.
He didn't stick around for long after they left. Before, he would have rattled around CBI for a while, wandered into Lisbon's office, probably slept on her couch. But the bright fluorescent lights here were always on, even at night, and someone would probably stop him from going through Lisbon's desk like he used to do on a regular basis.
Another reminder that everything had changed.
Except for him, apparently.
Later, lying across the queen-sized bed in his bright new Airstream trailer, he wondered how he was going to proceed, for clearly, he needed to come up with a plan.
He wanted her. All of her, all the time.
And despite how she tried to hide it, she wanted him, too. He just needed to convince her that he wasn't the same man he had been.
Well, that wasn't entirely true, he supposed. He still liked tea and causing trouble and being the smartest person in the room. He still read compulsively and little girls with curly blonde hair would always make him pause.
But he had let go of so much. The rage, the obsession...it was gone. Every terrible thing he had done in the name of catching Red John...he was able to see them all in a new light, able to truly regret all the pain he had caused.
He wasn't sure he could make it up to her, but he would try.
No more causing her sadness in the name of the greater good.
An idea sparked in his mind, and he smiled even as he drifted off.
He woke early the next morning. Even after all of this time, he wasn't able to completely shake the insomnia that sometimes held him in its grasp.
Today, however, it was beneficial to his plans.
After a quick stop, he headed to work, hoping he beat Lisbon here. He needn't have worried - the bullpen was mostly empty.
He waved at Cho as he passed the other man's desk, still glad most of his surrogate family from the CBI was here.
Cho didn't speak, just watched with mild interest as he replaced the hokey looking tree on Lisbon's desk with a new one. No broken ornaments here.
It was a first step, repairing some of the damage he had done.
Lisbon arrived a few minutes late, hair pulled back into a bun, looking a little bleary-eyed. Apparently she'd had a good time at girls night.
Distracted as she was, it took her a full half-hour to notice what he had done.
"Where's my tree?" she demanded, turning to him.
He smiled. "I felt bad for breaking it," he told her, "so I got you a new one." Of course, he felt no such thing, but he figured the symbolism wouldn't go amiss.
Her eyebrows furrowed. "But I liked my old one."
"I remember having a similar conversation when I bought you a couch," he said, "and look how much you wound up loving that. Trust me."
Although she looked unconvinced, she sat back down, shooting him another suspicious glance.
After lunch, he caught her adjusting some of the branches and he smiled into his teacup.
Well, that was one wrong he had fixed.
He could only hope the rest of his sins would be so easy to remedy.
AN: Let us know what you think! Pretty please! MleeWrite is up next, so stay tuned!