Author's Note: You know you're a little too obsessed with HP fan fiction when you're listening to a song, and suddenly the lyrics inspire you to pound out a story in one night. :) To warn everyone- this is slash, and there is one bad word. Please review and let me know what you think! :)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to JKR. Song lyrics and title belong to Snow Patrol.
Signal Fire
The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'Cause there was nothin' in there but you.
"Moony, I-" Sirius stutters, looking as if he is about to cry.
"Don't talk to me," snarls Remus, shoving past him, deliberately moving so he will not come within a few inches of Sirius. "I can't even look at you."
"I-Remus…" Sirius whispers, staring at his retreating back.
"You should have apologized," Peter mutters, giving Sirius a disappointed look and trudging away.
"You really fucked that up," James says harshly, before chasing after Remus, and leaving Sirius standing there, alone.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
Sirius walks into the Common Room, and sees James, Peter, and Remus sitting on the couch, laughing and playing Exploding Snap. It's a scene he has seen a thousand times before, but instead of running to them, demanding in on the game, Sirius stops and just stares.
He wants to say something, wants to stride over there and look at Remus and tell him how absolutely sorry he is, but he just stands there and stares. He stares at his best friends- or former best friends, but Sirius can't think about that- and he stares at the boy he loves. And he opens his mouth to shout out, but nothing comes out, and Sirius just stares.
Remus looks up at that moment, and his eyes meet Sirius', and for a second, Sirius feels as if nothing has changed. But Remus' face hardens, and he throws down his cards, and he stomps up to the dormitory. And Sirius does nothing but stare.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.
Sirius spends the next couple of weeks in a haze. Peter has a hard time meeting his eyes, and James will sneak looks at him, only to stop and narrow his eyes in anger. And Remus acts as if Sirius doesn't exist, as if their relationship never existed. Sirius watches as his friends live life while he stands on the sidelines, missing out on everything.
Somewhere in the back of his muddled mind, he knows he is acting strange. He knows he should be apologizing, should be throwing himself at Remus in order to gain forgiveness. But he doesn't. Remus has gotten angry at him before, but never like this. And it scares Sirius to look at Remus and see the impenetrable hardness that engulfs his face. It feels hopeless, and Sirius drowns in the feeling, waiting and praying for Remus to save him.
He doesn't, and Sirius' prayers go in vain.
In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire.
Sirius thinks of that night and grows incredibly angry. He punches the wall, ignoring James' looks of hidden concern. He snaps at people who have done nothing to him. He remembers.
He remembers Prongs' frantic eyes and Wormtail's nervous squeaking and Padfoot's almost-giddy barking. He remembers Snivellous' terrified whimpers. And he remembers Moony's terrible howling.
And nothing, not even Prongs' or Wormtail's terror, had made Padfoot stop and think. Only the sound of Moony, inhuman and out-of-control and scared, made him stop and realize.
And after it was all over, when Snape was given a Sleeping Draft and sent to bed, when James's and Peter's hurling accusations and questions of why were made, Sirius shrugged and grinned and made excuses. Only the hollowness in Remus' eyes, only the lack of warmth he exuded, only his terrible, terrible disappointment and anger and sadness, made Sirius stop and feel absolutely horrible.
At that moment, only Remus mattered.
And now, when Remus matters the most, he's gone, and Sirius dully thinks that he will never be back.
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.
Sirius walks into the Owlery, and stops suddenly when he sees Remus there, alone, tying a letter to a school owl.
"Oh," he manages, and promptly drops the letter he had been carrying.
Remus doesn't move, doesn't speak, but just watches.
Sirius bends down and picks up the letter and suddenly feels like he's going to start crying. "If you want me to go…" he mutters, biting his lip.
Remus shrugs.
Sirius thinks that he probably ought to leave, but he can't. He wants to speak, but can't force the words out.
Remus looks at him for a minute more, and then lets his owl fly out. He looks back at Sirius, and then starts to leave.
"Wait," blurts Sirius. Remus pauses and Sirius' stomach clenches up but he forces himself to keep going. "Remus, please listen to me. I'm so sorry. I know that can't even begin to make up for what I did, but that's all I can say, because I'm not good with words, not like you, and I don't know what to say to make you understand how terrible I feel and how I wish I could go back and erase that night, because it really wasn't worth it, Remus, not at all. It was stupid of me, and I always take things too far, and I'm sorry, and I wish I had your common sense, because I could really use some. And I acted like a right prat, and I understand why you hate me and you don't want anything to do with me, and I know I don't deserve even this, but I wish you wouldn't. I know I don't have the right to ask you for forgiveness, but I'm selfish, Remus, and I'm asking you, because I can't function without you. I'm not Sirius Black without you. And I don't know how it happened or when, but somewhere over the years, you made me complete, if that even makes sense, and I love you for it, and I know I shouldn't even say that, because it's obviously over and I'm just making an idiot out of myself, but I have to, Moony. I love you, and I'm sorry, and I feel horrible, and I just don't know what I can even do to make this up to you, or to make you feel as if you can trust me again." He stops, and much to his horror, actually does start crying, hot tears spilling down his cheeks.
Remus doesn't say anything, but he meets Sirius' eyes, and instead of the deadness and the anger and the sadness that had been there since that night, there's something else. Forgiveness.
And Sirius feels as if a thousand pounds have been lifted off his chest, and he can't stop crying.
There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, 'cause I need you to guide me to safety.
Remus takes a step forward, his golden eyes staring into Sirius' grays. Sirius tries to contain his blubbering, but fails, and Remus bites his lip and puts his arms around him.
Sirius melts into them, soaking up the comfort of Remus, and cries. Remus hesitantly pats him on the shoulder, and touches Sirius' hair gingerly. And Sirius doesn't even know how it happens, but suddenly, he's kissing Remus with an intensity and passion that clouds his mind and makes him feel as light as air. And Remus' eyes widen, but then he's kissing back, and it's like the last couple of weeks had never happened. Remus takes his finger and gently wipes away Sirius' tears, and Sirius clings to Remus, and Remus tightens his grip against Sirius, and their kiss continues, a mix of love and apology and forgiveness.
And Remus doesn't speak a word, but it doesn't matter, Sirius knows, and all has been forgiven.