Author's Note: Yes, I tried writing crack. I don't usually do that, seeing as my stories are generally very plot-driven. This was inspired with a random prompt, which is the first line. Written all in one sitting, which I can never do. Enjoy!

Disclaimer:I don't own Death Note or any of its characters.

Warnings: Crack to an extreme degree. A little bit of language. Yaoi, het, and mentions of sex. That's it.

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

I knew I would be punished if I broke the rules, but I never expected it to be like this.

It all started off normally. Just another day at the Kira investigation headquarters. L was reviewing various security tapes. I was busy typing away, rewriting a program to track statistics related to the newest wave of Kira killings. I was so engrossed in my world of incomprehensible computer type that I didn't notice the way L turned to stare at me, his expression halfway between shock and anger. At least, as shocked and/or angry was anyone was ever going to see him. L had that annoying tendency to never show any sort of emotion. Except during sex. But that was different.

Anyway, L was pissed and I was oblivious. So what L decided to do was calmly tap me on the shoulder and gesture towards the TV where the security tape was playing. Apparently, Misa and I were in bed together, engaging in some activity of a rather dubious nature.

Whatever assumptions L must have gathered were wrong, by the way. Let me explain: Last night, Misa came to visit me in my room. This was nothing unusual. She would come to stay with me often, whenever she was having a nightmare or just feeling lonely. This time, it had been the latter of the two. So as always, I let her stay.

Nothing happened for a while. She was prattling on about some gossip she'd heard about one of her fellow models. I didn't care, but I forced myself not to kick her out. She was my "girlfriend" and, whether I liked it or not, I had to at least make it seem as though I cared for her.

I had been so busy trying to ignore her mindless chatter that I didn't notice that she had changed tone to bitching about something. Bitching about how I never took her out on dates anymore and how I never spent time alone with her and about how she hadn't had sex with me in over two months and how she was really starting to get frustrated about it. Misa didn't know about my affair with L, now did she? If she did, then would she even be asking about that anymore? Well, yes, Misa would probably say something like, "Misa-Misa doesn't care if Raito-kun likes Ryuuzaki-san! Misa can still be Raito-kun's girlfriend too!"

But seeing as she was blissfully unaware of that fact, Misa started groping me and I couldn't do anything about it. I tried hard to tell her that I wasn't in the mood and had work in the morning, but she wouldn't listen. Sometime after L and I had started shamelessly screwing each other, L had made me promise that I wasn't to do anything with Misa as long as we were together. That was fine by me. L turned out to be an amazing lover, and much better company than Misa and her girly chatter. But Misa was stubborn, and ignored my attempts at trying to remain faithful to my wonderful L.

I never actually slept with her then, mind you. She just stipped and groped me for a while, but then she got bored with me not doing anything and went to sleep. From what the security tape was showing, it didn't look very much like that was happening. The damn camera had to be set at a weird angle, so it looked like I was making out with Misa instead of just telling her to stop. Before I could open my mouth to explain, L shut off the video and turned on me in a rage.

"What do you think you were doing, Raito-kun?! After telling me that you loved me?"

"L, I-"

"No excuses. As your punishment, you are to be my uke for the next two weeks."

"But-"

"Make that a month. And I'm getting out the handcuffs again. The chocolate paint, too."

"But I hated that! And the damn chocolate practically gave me cavities!"

"You didn't seem to be complaining much when I-"

At the best (or worst) possible moment, L stopped and turned to look at Matsuda, who had just walked into the room. Predictably he had stopped in his tracks and was now staring at the bickering couple with an expression of utmost horror on his face.

The only thing that could have made the scene worse was when a cheerful-looking Misa poked her head out from behind Matsuda's back. She was listening to some music and had headphones in, so she obviously hadn't heard what her boyfriend and L were arguing about. "Why is Ryuuzaki-san so angry?" She asked, all sweetness and naivite.

L offered only three words in reply.

"Fuck you, Misa."