Things I Do Not Own by Femaleprongslet:
The Harry Potter Universe or characters, The Tootsie Pop Owl, Tony the Tiger, V.F.D., Acme, and Pink and Purple polka dotted Ping-Pong balls.
Voldy Tells a Joke
Once upon a time Voldy decided that instead of using the Avada Kedavra Curse to kill Harry, that he would use a joke. He figured that humor was the way to go since he was getting tired of the whole 'bad guy' image.
Voldy thought long and hard for the right joke. He thought so hard, that he had to stick his head in the sink, because his head spontaneously combusted. It took him a minute or two to remember to turn the water on, but he remembered eventually and he wasn't toodeformed.
When the big day came, Voldy was nervous.
He had sat up all night hoping that the joke would work.
Now he was deformed and had raccoon eyes.
He had also started using a different shampoo, so now his bald scalp was dry and flaky. 'Wait. Why would he use shampoo if he was bald?', asked the author. "The world may never know", said the owl with glasses and a graduation cap, using a mild sexual innuendo.
"Where did that infernal owl come from?" yelled Voldy. "And why is it wearing glasses and eating a tootsie pop?"
All the life lickers ignored the Dark Dork in favor of staring at the tiger walking on its hind legs.
"I don't know," said the tiger, "but those tootsie pops he gave me are grrrrrrrrreat!"
"What is with the food mascots we seem to be seeing everywhere?" asked Voldy.
Luscious was the one to answer him. "Someone turned on the Very Functional Distorter."
Voldy decided that everyone was stupid and deserved to die so he gave them orders.
"Butterflywings (Wormtail)! Turn off the Very Functional Distorter! Knot (Nott)! Tie my shoelaces! Acme (Avery)! Go get some sort of heavy object that I can fling at people that make fun of me! Doorbell LeStrange! Go…" Voldy couldn't think of something for Crazy to do. Finally he decided to have her, "bikini wax the prisoners!" 'Muahaha. That will teach those prisoners! Getting captured! Ha! My followers would NEVER do that!' he thought. 'Plus they will be ready for beach season! It's just around the corner!'
Now that the author is relatively sane again, and I said relatively, so no suing, we can continue with this wholesome and moral-filled story.
'OMG! LOL! LMAO! LMFAO! C&G! Psshhaw! Like this story would ever be wholesome and moral-filled! You gotta be kidding me!' said the Author.
Well enough of the author busting into the middle of paragraphs, maybe this fic will end sometime before Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix comes into theaters!
'But it isn't gonna be in theaters till July 13th 2007! We have plenty of time!' said the author.
No we don't! Well at least with the way you write!
'Gasp! Take that back! Sniffle.'
Oh don't pull the crying trick on me!
'Only if you promise not to hurt my feelings again!'
I promise.
'Okay'
Voldy readied his troops which consisted of Butterflywings, Knot, and McNair, who was back from his factory that produces potions that miraculously get rid of hair for women. The fact that it smells as bad as Snivellus' potions, leaves room to ponder who actually invented it.
Voldy walked up to Potter and started to tell his joke…
"There was once a boy, who was born into a very rich family. His parents sometimes gave him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC's and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was going great. His father was very proud.
'Son,' said the father. 'I'm so proud of you. You've got a great start on life and I know you'll be great one day. As a reward, I'll buy you anything you want. You name it; I'll buy it for you. What do you want?'
'Well Dad, I saw these two pink and purple polka dotted ping-pong balls that I kind of want," suggested the little boy. His father shook his head.
'Son, you'll learn later that there are things you want, and things are a waste of money. This is one of those things. Pick something else.' said the dad. So the boy did.
'Then the son graduated from elementary school. He was top of his class every year and was the star of all of the sports teams that were there. His future was looking bright.
'Son, I'm so proud of you. You're doing so perfect in life already. I want to make you happy so I'll buy you anything you want. You name it; I'll buy it for you. What is it?'
'Well Dad, I still kind of want those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls,' answered the son. The dad rolled his eyes.
'Son, you don't want those. It's stupid. Pick something else,' insisted the father. So he did.
Then the son was out of high school. He was valedictorian and the start of football, basketball, baseball, and the other teams. He was dating the most beautiful girl in the school and he had been accepted to the top college.
Now the son was graduating from college. Once again, he was at the top in everything. He was active in the community and was still doing sports. He was even still dating his high school sweetheart. His father was so proud.
'Son, I'm so proud of you. Your life is at your fingertips. No one can stop you now. I want to buy you anything you want. You name it. I'll buy it for you. What do you want?' asked the father.
'Well dad, I still have my eye on those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls. I really want them.'
The dad sighed. 'Son, that's a stupid thing to ask for. Please pick something else,' pleaded the dad. So he did.
Then he was getting married. It was to his high school girlfriend. She was still very pretty and was also very smart. It was a match made in heaven.
'Son, I'm so proud of you. You and your new wife will have a great life together and I know you'll be happy together. I want to buy you two something special. You name it. I'll buy it for you. What do you want?'
'Dad, we'd really be happy if we had those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls for our marriage,' said the son.
'Son, this is getting old. You know that the answer will be no. I'm begging you. Pick something else!' So he did.
Then, he was having his very first child. The baby was just the right size and as healthy as could be. The dad was so excited to be a grandfather.
'Son, I'm so proud of you. Your new baby will live a charmed life with its beautiful parents. I want to make you and your new family happy. So I'll buy you anything you want. You name it. I'll buy it. What do you want?'
'Dad, my child and wife would be happy for me if I could just get those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping pong balls.'
'Son, that's pathetic. You're willing to give up this chance for your own personal gain and not the gain of your family? Please, please pick something else!' So he did.
Then he's lying on his deathbed. He's suffering from cancer and the doctors can do nothing to help him. The son was on the edge of death when his father came to visit him for the last time.
'Son,' he said in between tears. 'I love you so much. You've had a great life. No one can ever take your place. You're leaving behind a sweet wife and child, but it's probably for the best. No father, though, wants to see his only son die unhappy. Let me buy you anything you want. You name it. I'll buy it for you. What do you want?'
'Dad, all my life, I've wanted those two pink and purple polka-dotted ping-pong balls. Won't you please buy them for me now that I only have barely days to live?" begged the son. The dad sighed.
'Son, no! That's a waste of time. Pick something else! Why do you want them anyway?' asked the dad.
'Well because… because…' And he died"
Harry thought that the joke was so horrible that he died.
THE END!
Epilogue:
Well as you know, Harry died. Everyone except Voldemort and the life lickers was crying and Hermione was PMSing so she flung a killing curse at Voldy, so he died, all the life lickers, laughed so hard that they had an aneurism. And died. And everyone else was so shocked that they all dropped dead. So all the wizards and witches died. Except for Umbitch and Fudgesicle as the ex-minister and the under-deskertary were busy shagging. Obviously under a desk. They had 23 kids, and they had to inbreed to save the wizarding world, because they forgot about all the other countries that had wizards, and from then on all wizards and witches in Britain looked like pompous toads with bowler hats. Lime green bowler hats.
THE END FOR REAL!
AN. I can't really remember writing this so either I did it when I was drunk or I didn't write it. I think that is was the former. I think that former means the first, right? And latter means last? Cause my guess is that I was drunk, because I'm the only person who knows the password for my computer.
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