Author's Note: This is, again, the "tamed" version of the parody to avoid crappy lawsuit issues. The non-"tamed" version is now available, the link to which could be found on my profile.
TROY – THE ABRIDGED SCREENPLAY
FADE IN:
INT. MOVIE STUDIO
W. P. is discussing plans with a bunch of STUDIO EXECUTIVES.
W. P.
…Then I made his stomach my dogs' chew toy and he screamed like there was no tomorrow!
They laugh.
W. P. (CONT'D)
Excuse me gentlemen, nature's call.
He whips off his pants, shits on the TOMB OF ACHILLES and tears a page from ILIAD to wipe his ass.
W. P. (CONT'D)
What was I saying? Right, I want to make a Homer movie…based on what I thought Homer should've written.
STUDIO EXECUTIVES
(reading the script)
So basically, you want to make a hilariously dialogued and absurdly chronicled movie that not only totally abandons the Greek writing style altogether but also inexorably insists that Greeks are a bunch of straight macho assholes who run around in miniskirts? Deal.
EXT. ACHILLES' ESTATE
ACHILLES is SPITTING on everyone who is within a radius of 100 miles.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
(humiliating his movie cousin Patroclus by holding him at knifepoint for no reason)
All I really want is glory.
ODYSSEUS
Hello Achilles. I'm not sure why exactly I would require a brainless killing machine if that killing machine is too brainless to kill at all, but I'm really interested in a condemned partnership.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
Does the contract include glory that is strictly defined as allowing me to be remembered as ripping up people who are too different from me and hence unworthy of existence?
ODYSSEUS
Sure thing! You can also burn down their houses and rape their wives, not to mention have your name mentioned every time in homosexual studies for years to come…
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
I'll take it!
INT. TROJAN PALACE
HECTOR'S SUCKER DAD PRIAM is welcoming PARIS and his NAÏVE AND DOE-EYED CAUSE OF WARFARE OF AN UNFAITHFUL WIFE, HELEN OF TROY.
HECTOR
Dad, Troy is doomed if you keep that bitch.
PRIAM
Jeez, I just don't know…lemme consult the Goddess of the Great Equalizer real quick…
He kneels before a twenty feet tall golden statue of a big coin and chants for eight hours before getting back to HECTOR.
PRIAM (CONT'D)
The Great Coin approves my half-baked notion of love and blind loyalty! Hurrahhh! I can't believe a moron like me could've held this position as long as I did without turning Troy into a chaotic mass of crying and flaming rubble!
Consequently, GREEKS begin to fight TROJANS.
EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND ONE – TROJAN SHORE
ACHILLES leads some GIANT MEN and wins an oversized battle with a ratio of twenty to one.
AGAMEMNON
This is very convincing, especially since Achilles is a brainless killing machine who has no strategic sense at all.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
(shoving and spitting on Agamemnon)
GLORY! GLORRRRRRRRRRY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ACHILLES proceeds to TRASH a TEMPLE and beheads everyone inside it. He then meets with HECTOR'S COUSIN BRISEIS, who's survived his KILLING and promptly falls in love with him DESPITE ALL. They FUCK.
EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND TWO – TROJAN WALLS
GREEKS continue to fight TROJANS.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
Agamemnon wronged me. I must wrong him back by doing nothing but fucking Briseis.
ODYSSEUS
But aren't you simultaneously forfeiting your opportunity of getting glory, let alone violating all codes of honor?
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
Hell, do you expect a dipshit like me to be intelligent enough to have consistency with my said priorities?
The TROJANS, with no major characters in their way, drive the GREEKS back to the SHORE.
EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND THREE – TROJAN SHORE
The GREEKS continue to fight TROJANS. PATROCLUS dies disguised as ACHILLES by donning his armor because ACHILLES is too stupid to watch his things. EVERYONE mourns the demise of PATROCLUS particularly, because PATROCLUS is YOUNG, just like the majority of the soldiers in this movie.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
(fuming and spitting)
Jesus, Patroclus stole my glory of fighting Hector! How very demeaning! I'LL KILL HECTOR!
He runs off before abusing several of his own people.
EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND FOUR – SPECIAL EVENT! HECTOR VERSUS ACHILLES! READY…GET SET…GO!
HECTOR and ACHILLES fight! HECTOR loses and ACHILLES beats the shit out of him! ACHILLES goes on to drag HECTOR'S CORPSE behind his chariot for twelve hundred miles! Around the entire TROJAN CITY three times then all the way to NEW ZEALAND!
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
GLORY! SEE HOW I HATE AND CRUSH PEOPLE WHO MISPLACED MY GLORY!
INT. TROJAN VERSUS GREEKS: INTERMISSION – GREEK CAMP
PRIAM, apparently a formidable secret agent in disguise, effortlessly bypasses ACHILLES' thoroughly incompetent security system without showing how and walks up to him.
PRIAM
Dude, where's my son?
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
(spitting as if there's some hidden meaning behind his tantrum besides the obvious, which is that he's a motherfucker)
YOU are making demands? Don't you forget I'M the one who decides whether you live or die!
PRIAM
(crying pathetically)
It doesn't matter! You've broken my spirit! I've got nothing to lose! And I don't care if you'll kill me to mess up with my country's morale!
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
Then I'll honor your request inexplicably, just to make my act of desecrating Hector's corpse even more bizarre – but, just to further the self-contradiction, I'll first waste a few of your precious moments to cry on Hector's face that aside from some dirt has miraculously sustained little mutilation.
BRISEIS
(intruding abruptly in the company of Cheap Romance Music)
Uncle!
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
Go now, Briseis. I've decided to set you free to a regime I'll go to extreme lengths to decimate. I'm doing this, like, for LOOOOVE. Please…do not forget me…you can have the necklace I stole from Patroclus' corpse.
BRISEIS
Oh Achilles, you destroyed my country and anally violated my favorite relative…but…this is alright…everything is alright…because I still love you DESPITE ALL.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
God I'm gorgeous.
EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND FIVE PREPARATION – TROJAN SHORE
ODYSSEUS finally comes up with the movie climax – a brilliant plan that involves hiding in a hollow wooden horse conveniently inspired by a child's toy and praying somehow the enemies will bring it into their city against all common sense. They seek out WOOD out of no where and proceed to their plot.
CUT TO HOURS LATER:
TROJANS discover a huge horse statue and some dead bodies.
PRIAM'S LOSER ESCORT
Look Lord, those people were infected by Black Death! The Greeks were running away from it!
MUFFLED VOICE #1
What? No we did not! And how did we gain access to corpses infected by the disease we apparently didn't –
MUFFLED VOICE #2
Shut up you idiot!
The TROJANS look around but see nobody.
PARIS
Dad, I'd say we do the logical thing and build a bonfire around this tainted plot device.
PRIAM
What does the Great Coin say?
PRIAM'S LOSER ESCORT
She decrees the Horse be carried within our walls and to the most heavily-populated and strategically most critical area of our city, then secured by as few of our guards as possible.
PRIAM
Awesome!
EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND FIVE – TERMINAL EPISODE! COMMENCEMENT OF TROY'S DESTRUCTION!
ACHILLES actively contributes to the fall of TROY by immediately running off to find BRISEIS.
AGAMEMNON
Let him go; we don't need him after Hector's out of the way, anyway.
GREEKS begin to majorly TRASH THE PLACE and SET THE CITY ON FIRE!
GREEKS
Burn, baby, burn!
THE CITY PANICS! SUDDENLY EVERYBODY IS RUNNING FROM EVERYBODY AND NOBODY! NATURAL DISASTER MUSIC SWELLS AND THE GREEKS SOMEHOW VANISH!
EVERYBODY
RUN! RUN IN EVERY DIRECTION! STEP ON THE WIDOWS' BELLIES AND RUN OVER THE ORPHANS!
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK
BRISEIS! MY LOVE BRISEIS!
He suddenly bears his first injury - in the heel.
ACHILLES' GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK (CONT'D)
Ow.
He DIES. Mercifully. Yeah. Just like that. Really. No kidding. And the credits roll.
INT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: EPILOGUE – MOVIE THEATRE
AUDIENCE
What the hell? Did we just waste $9 and more than two hours of our life on a war that was initiated by a brat couple, plotted by assholes, fought by imbeciles and revolving around a semi-conscious dickhead who should be crucified upside-down while being smothered by his sunshine-flavored ass?
They fume and SPIT on DIRECTOR W.P., trashing his studio with COINS and dragging his body behind their automobiles across SICKOVILLE.
END