Written for last year's ichirukimonth, in commemoration to a story I had written years ago but got lost with one of my computers dying...
The prompt was: 'not the first, but definitely the last'.
„I don't believe the right girl will just magically step my into room one day, that's it."
That was what Ichigo had told Keigo once, when his brown haired friend had again tried to convince him to join him on one of his desperate attempts to pick up girls – which were already doomed to fail although they never happened. Keigo tended to put the blame on Ichigo for that though, because he was so unwilling to cooperate – without him as his company he wouldn't have a chance, he knew that.
How wrong had he been with his nonchalant remark that day.
She had done exactly that – step into his room, into his life and had turned everything upside down. So many things had changed, he had changed. It had never been easy to just be himself, but with her it was, from the very beginning.
It was after their first goodbye – well you couldn't really call it a goodbye, as she had been dragged to Soul Society by Renji and her brother, away from him. That moment would forever be burned into his memory: lying on the ground, soaked in blood, seeing this expression on her face, leaving him.
It was probably after that, that he'd started to view his life in two different categories – his life before and after Rukia had entered it. Although he had saved her, although nothing seemed to change between them no matter how rarely they actually spent time together, when she was not around he was constantly in an 'on-hold'-mode. It was the mode located between being with her and being without her – and he hated that.
One would think they both had gotten used to saying goodbye. Well, until recently that might have been true at least a bit, because he had always been sure they would see each other again, reunite and his life, his soul would just switch to 'on' again. But now, that he had lost his powers and wasn't able to see any spirits anymore he really questioned his whole human being. He had always longed for a normal life without any unwanted encounters with souls that were stuck in the world of the living. That was before he had met her.
After finding a meaning behind all this, after gaining power to actually do something, after serving a purpose, that ability had become a strength for him, a characteristic, something he wouldn't want to trade for anything else.
That was after he had met her.
And then he had sacrificed them to fight Aizen without really thinking about the consequences. Of course, what else could he have done? What if you're presented with that as the only option to save everyone?
He remembered their goodbye all too well, as if it had just been yesterday. He remembered every word, every slight change in her demeanor and every thought that had run through his mind:
'This is goodbye.'
He had never thought about it, the final goodbye, never thought it would actually happen.
"Seems that way, doesn't it?"
It was the only thing that would pass his lips in that second, trying to repress every feeling or emotion that wanted to show on his face.
She'd know anyway, that he was just playing an act of not caring too much.
'Don't look so sad.'
She could read him that easily. He had not been able to hide anything from her, ever.
'Even if you can no longer see me, I will still be able to see you."
She wanted to make their farewell less awkward, less painful – for him and for her. But in fact it pained him to see how much she tried not to let any emotion show, to repress her feelings just like him.
'What the hell? That's nothing to be happy about… and I don't look sad.'
He played along, rubbing the back of his head.
It was self-deception, self-defense in order to save themselves from falling apart.
An uncomfortable, sad silence surrounded them. They didn't even dare look at each other.
This couldn't be the end. This couldn't be goodbye forever. It was too sudden, too unprepared. A whole world would stop to exist for him – the world she belonged to. After all these months spent, he wasn't sure if he would be able to handle a world she was no longer part of, a world she would just disappear from – for him.
'Tell everyone I said 'Hi'.'
He tried to sound nonchalant.
'Sure.'
She looked up slowly, hesitantly meeting his eyes. He had never seen her like that, although her expression was surely a reaction to what finally his face revealed as well… She was worried, probably because she had never before seen him that defenseless, that fragile, that exposed. And unlike her, this would be the last time he'd be able to see her, the last time he could see her face, look her in the eyes.
'Later, Rukia.'
A last remnant of hope resounded in his voice as he watched her fade away from his sight.
'Thank you.'
He had just woken from one of his dreams – he had them on a regular base, those dreams about her… about her leaving… again and again. Ichigo looked over to his closet, wiping away the sweat on his forehead, thinking about every single time they had said goodbye. When she told him she'd stay in Seireitei after he'd rescued her, when they had to part in Hueco Mundo and he had been overly worried to part ways and let her go, when he was leaving to fight Aizen, completely unsure what the future would bring.
No, it was enough. That was definitely the last farewell. He had changed, he had gained power, protected the people he loved, had fought so many battles and had fought himself so many times… he wouldn't be anywhere without her, he wouldn't be who he was without her… This endless suffering had to end – now. He'd find a way, no matter how hard, how dangerous or how difficult it'll be – he would get his powers back, get her back, even if he had to carry her, throw her over his shoulder – he'd bring her home.