Heroes the Musical

by ACleverName

In the vein of Doctor Who the Musical season 2. Copyright infringement, laughter, disgust, music, etc.

Heroes the Musical Mega-Parody

by Leslie McMurtry

See Doctor Who Season 2 parody to get a handle on how this works. Unlike that 12-piece set, I decided to take a different approach. Not even I could grind out 23 parodies, so I decided it was most efficient to take a holistic approach to the season, with characters getting their own numbers to express themselves. Therefore chronologically it won't be quite accurate. I decided also to do a show-to-show transfer, this time using Stephen Schwartz's Wicked. But the aim as always is to entertain. Thanks as usual to Gerard Alessandrini and Tom Lehrer. For the record, I have never seen Wicked, I own the original cast album, and did not enjoy the Maguire book. I should of course warn you that there is some adult language and themes.

Heroes-The Revue

Season 1. (shamelessly stolen from wicked, music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz, book by Winnie Holzman, based on the book by Gregory Maguire1)

Act One.

Scene One. My Powers and I

Scene Two. Popular

Scene Three. I'm Not That Girl

Scene Four. Wonderful/I Hope You're Happy

Scene Five. Defying Normalcy

Act Two.

Scene One. As Long As You're Mine

Scene Two. One Short Day/A Sentimental Man

Scene Three. What Is This Feeling?

Scene Four. Cutting Through Life/Finale

Cast of Characters

Claire Bennet, an adolescent cheerleader with "spontaneous regenerative" powers

Zach, her friend

Her mother, her brother Lyle

Her father, Mr. Bennet, who by day poses as a paper mogul, but in reality works for a company that catalogues and subdues those with powers

Claire's real mother, who can set things on fire

The Haitian, who works for the Company, and can wipe people's minds selectively

Peter Petrelli, a nurse, Claire's uncle who can absorb and use others' powers

Nathan Petrelli, Claire's real father, and Peter's brother, who can fly

Mrs Petrelli, their mother

Dr. Mohinder Suresh, geneticist from Madras who studies people with abilities

Eden, sent by the Company to spy on Mohinider, has the power of persuasion

Mr. Devereaux, patient of Peter's

Simone Devereaux, his daughter

Isaac Mendez, artist who can paint the future

Matt Parkman, LAPD officer who can read people's thoughts

Detective Hanson, Parkman's business associate

Ted Sprague, is living radioactivity

Mr Nakamura, Japanese tycoon

Hiro Nakamura, his son who can travel through and manipulate time and space

Ando Masohashi, his friend

Charlie, a Texas waitress and Hiro's friend

Niki Sanders and her alter-ego Jessica

DL Hawkins, her husband, who can move through solid objects

Micah, their son, "technopath"

Claude, a mysterious invisible man who used to work with Mr. Bennet

Candice, who works for the Company, and can change perception so you see what she wants you to see

Sylar, who kills to absorb people's powers

His mother, who lives in Queens

Gerard Alessandrini, parody-writer and creator of Forbidden Broadway

Mark Gatiss, actor and writer

Steven Moffat, writer

Parody-writer, yours truly

Act One.

Scene One. My Powers and I

[Dark stage.

MOHINDER. I shall now discuss Darwin in my poncy semi-British accent and lull you to sleep as you try to unravel the mystery of my nonsensical verbage.

[Lights up. PETER flies over New York City. Then he falls. Splat. He appears to wake up. He stands over MR DEVEREAUX's bed. MR DEVEREAUX winks at him.

PETER. Mr Deveraux? You're supposed to be in a coma.

MR DEVEREAUX. You're supposed to be dreaming.

Song. MY POWERS AND I (THE WIZARD AND I) (Schwartz)

MR DEVEREAUX. MANY YEARS I HAVE WAITED

FOR A GIFT LIKE YOURS TO APPEAR

PETER. YOU MEAN 'CAUSE I CAN FLY?

MR DEVEREAUX. THAT'S YOUR BROTHER'S

ONE TRICK, I FEAR

MY DEAR, MY DEAR

YOUR MOM AND ME AND HIRO'S

DAD HAVE SOME PACT GOING DOWN

WE'RE OMNIPOTENT I GUESS

I'M GONNA SEE THIS TOWN

BECAUSE OF YOU SURVIVE

THOUGH I'LL NOT BE ALIVE . . .

PETER. Huh?

[He wakes up again. He tosses his hair.

PETER. Who's Hiro? What's going on? Maybe I should jump out the window, like I did when Nathan was around to save me.

[He jumps out the window and flies for real, again over New York City. Odd ethnic vocalizing in the background.

PETER. DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

DID THE FX DO THEIR JOB?

I TOSS MY HAIR BACK,

LET GOOD GENES ATTACK

MY IDEALISM WON'T ROB

ME OF STATUS AS HEARTTHROB

THOUGH, AGAINST THE REST, I'M NOT A SLOB

WITH THESE COOL NEW POWERS

I WILL HEAL AND FLY

AND THEN I'LL GET MORE POWERS

AND I'LL BE A REALLY HOT GUY

AND THEN MAYBE I'LL SEDUCE SIMONE

OR AT LEAST IMPRESS MY MOM

DO YOU THINK MY BROTHER KNOWS?

IS THIS A FAMILY CONUNDRUM?

NO! HE'LL SAY TO ME:

"PETER, I SEE WHO YOU TRULY ARE—

A FEW BERRIES SHORT OF A PIE!"

OH, WHAT A WAY TO GO,

MY POWERS AND I!

NOW I'VE GOT THESE POWERS

MY WHOLE LIFE WILL CHANGE

'CAUSE NOW I'VE GOT THESE POWERS

I CAN SHOW MY ACTING RANGE!

NO MOTHER IS NOT PROUD OF YOU

NO BROTHER FORKS OUT CASH

TO MAKE YOU KEEP YOUR SILENCES

AND HIS CAMPAIGN NOT TO TRASH

AND THIS GIFT—OR THIS CURSE—

I HAVE INSIDE

MAYBE AT LAST, I'LL KNOW WHY

WHEN I CAN DO COOL THINGS—

MY POWERS AND I!

[PETER lands outside his brother NATHAN's house.

PETER. Yooo-hoo!

NATHAN. Jesus, Peter, you trying to give me a heart attack? Get inside!

[PETER climbs in through the window.

PETER. Check out my cool new powers.

NATHAN. You fool. You've got to hide shit like that, not embrace it.

PETER. 'Cause one brother's got to be idealistic and the other has to be pessimistic?

NATHAN. You mean realistic? We're flying around here, man, it's getting a bit too science-fiction-y. You might drive away the target demographic.

PETER. Which is . . .?

NATHAN. Shut up and help me curl my eyelashes.

PETER. ONE DAY YOU'LL SAY TO ME: "PETER,

A KID WHO'S SO GOOD AND WARM-HEARTED

WHO'S GOT COURAGE AND LOTS OF NICE HAIR,

MY BRO, WHO GOT MY CONSCIENCE KICK-STARTED,

WHOSE GOT CHARM AND GOOD LOOKS TO SPARE--?"

NATHAN. Okay, enough already!

PETER. SINCE YOU TO AN ABSURD DEGREE

SEEM FIXATED ON YOUR OWN PERPETUITY

MAYBE WE'D BETTER DON TIGHTS

AND A CAPE AND START JUMPING FROM HEIGHTS?

NATHAN. OF COURSE

YOUR HEALTH'S IMPORTANT TO ME

BUT SAY THIS IN PUBLIC AND, SURE

SHUT UP QUICK YOU'LL BE

PETER. OH, LIKE THAT'S MATURE!

[He gets up and jumps through the window. It's closed, of course, so he smacks into the glass.

NATHAN. WHAT A PAIR YOU'LL BE . . .

[PETER gets up, opens the window, and flies out.

PETER. MY POWERS AND . . .

[He sits on the roof and broods.

PETER. UNLIMITED

MY FUTURE IS UNLIMITED

AND I'VE JUST HAD A VISION

OF DEUS EX MACHINA

I KNOW—IT SOUNDS TRULY CRAZY

BUT THE WRITERS MUST HAVE GOTTEN LAZY

BUT I SWEAR SOMEDAY THERE'LL BE

A CELEBRATION THROUGHOUT NEW YORK

THAT'S ALL TO DO WITH ME!

AND I'LL STAND THERE WITH THESE POWERS

FEELING THINGS I'D NEVER FEEL

FOR SIMONE, FOR THIS BLONDE GIRL

WHOSE GOT SOME STRANGE SORT OF APPEAL

AND SO IT WILL BE

FOR THE REST OF THIS SHOW

AND I'LL WANT NOTHING ELSE

TIL I DIE

THE BACKBONE OF THE PLOT

I'LL MAKE ALL OF YOU DISTRAUGHT

THOUGH COMPLEX I AM NOT

MY POWERS

AND I!

II.Scene Two. Popular

MOHINDER. I will now read to you from the collected works of Charles Dickens. "Marley was dead. There was no question about that . . ."

[CLAIRE BENNET is standing on the top of a water tower in the middle of the Texas desert. Her friend ZACH is standing below with a camcorder. CLAIRE is wearing a skimpy cheerleading uniform.

ZACH. Dude, how'd we get out here? We don't have cars.

CLAIRE. Shut up. I'm going to treat you like dirt to make you think I'm being all Princess Buttercup on you—

ZACH. Ie, secretly in love with me?

CLAIRE. But nothing will ever come of it, and I'll move to California, your mind will get wiped, and this whole plot thread will go nowhere.

[She bends over to tie her shoe.

ZACH. Oy vey. [He starts rolling the camcorder.

Song. POPULAR (Schwartz)

CLAIRE. MY NAME IS CLAIRE BENNET

FROM ODESSA, TEXAS

I'M HAVING GROWING PAINS

MORE LITERAL THAN MOST

I FALL APART she wrenches her shoulder from its socket; crack)

AND THEN I START TO BLEED she takes a drill bit and stabs it through her thigh; she bleeds)

AND WHEN A THING IS FULL OF RISK

I THROW MYSELF IN IT BRISK footage of CLAIRE running into a burning building to save a man)

I KNOW I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED

[ZACH turns the camera to himself.

ZACH. AND YOU'RE A NUTCASE

THO' YOU'RE THE HOTTEST BABE I'VE YET TO FACE—

CLAIRE. DON'T WORRY—I'M DETERMINED TO SUCCEED

FILM IT—

ZACH.

SAY "PLEASE"—

[She throws him the finger. He films her.

CLAIRE. AND YES, INDEED

I WILL BE

[She jumps off the tower. Splat. She picks herself up.

POPULAR!

[She resets her elbow and broken knee.

I TRY TO BE POPULAR

[Scene changes to CLAIRE at school. She flirts with BRODY.

I CHEER AND SHOW PROPER POISE

WHEN I TALK TO BOYS

EVEN THOUGH THEY TRY TO RAPE.

[BRODY throws her against a chain link fence, then flees. She pulls a stick out of her head.

OOOH!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FIFTEEN

BUT THEY CLEARLY MEAN

TO SHOW ME UP AS JAIL BAIT

BUT I'M POPULAR!

I TRY TO BE POPULAR!

[She walks into her house. LYLE and MRS BENNET bob their heads to the song; MR MUGGLES THE DOG does a tap dance.

MY BROTHER'S DULL AS DIRT

AND IT DOESN'T HURT

MY MOM'S HEAD IS EMPTY AS WELL

AND MY DAD—

[Her father, MR BENNET, comes in the door with a blinding fake smile.

HE THINKS THAT PAPER IS JUST SWELL!

[His teeth gleam. MRS BENNET slobbers over MR MUGGLES.

CLAIRE walks down a path to a trashy trailer park. She enters a trailer where her real mother asks her to sit down. A DEVIL appears on her left shoulder and an ANGEL appears on her right shoulder. The DEVIL is a slutty version of CLAIRE, the ANGEL is CLAIRE also, in white with a halo.

DEVIL. Don't you think it's a bit odd that your mother keeps going back and forth to Mexico? Don't you think she's going to try to get a bunch of money for herself from your real dad?

ANGEL. Shut up! She's my real mom. And she's a pyro.

MEREDITH. DON'T BE OFFENDED BY MANIPULATION

THINK OF IT AS WRITER'S CONSTIPATION

THOUGH I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH FLAME INITIATION (she starts fire in her hand)

I THINK I'LL MAKE YOU TARTER (pinches her cheek)

THERE'S NOBODY SMARTER

NOT WHEN IT COMES TO POPULAR

I KNOW ABOUT POPULAR . . .

[CLAIRE shrugs as her "advisors" disappear.

She runs from shadows at Homecoming. She gets spattered in blood. Snap, crackle, pop as all the bones in her body break and she heals again. Then PETER appears. Same thing happens to him. He chases off the shadow. He hugs her, then tosses his hair.

PETER. MY INT'REST—FORGIVE ME

SEEMS A BIT PERVY

EVEN KNOWING WHO YOU WERE . . . ARE

THERE'S NO ONE GONNA STOP US

FROM BECOMING POP-ULOUS . . .

LAR . . .

[They both toss their hair.

CLAIRE. LA LA LA LA

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE

ME POPULAR!

[They check to see that no one's looking, then they make out passionately.

CLAIRE goes home and hugs her dad.

BENNET. WE ARE SO CUTE AND SAPPY

TOO BAD WE CAN'T ALL BE HAPPY

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL TEENAGE ANGSTY AND I'M

SINISTER

[He nods at THE HAITIAN.

WIPING PEOPLE'S MINDS LEFT AND RIGHT

(to THE HAITIAN) DUDE, YOU'RE OUT OF SIGHT

CLAIRE. RUNNING OUT OF TIME

TO MAKE ME POPULAR!

BENNET. PLEASE—

WHO CARES ABOUT POPULAR?

CLAIRE. IT'S NOT ABOUT APTITUDE

IT'S THE WAY YOU'RE VIEWED

THAT'S AT LEAST THE MOOD ON TV—

LIKE THE VERY VERY POPULAR

O.C.!

Daddy, I need my space!

[She slams the door to her room and jumps on her bed, scattering stuffed animals. She picks up a framed campaign picture of NATHAN, her real father.

CLAIRE. (to photo)

AND THOUGH YOU PROTEST

YOUR DISINTEREST

I KNOW CLANDESTINEDLY

YOU'RE GONNA WANNA SHARE IT

YOUR DAUGHTER'S POPULARITY

[THE HAITIAN, outside the window, hums:

THE HAITIAN. LA LA LA LA

[CLAIRE picks up a pie chart of viewing figures for Heroes, then a bar graph titled "audience favorites."

CLAIRE. YOU'LL BE POPULAR

JUST NOT QUITE AS POPULAR

AS ME!

iii. Scene Three. I'm Not That Girl

MOHINDER appears in a dank and dirty New York apartment. He looks in the fridge, sniffs, then walks away. He puts on the kettle. He taps his finger on the glass of a lizard cage.

MOHINDERI, of course, am an eminent geneticist and University professor from Madras. I am following my father's footsteps. We weren't close, he went a little bonkers toward the end. He was murdered by Sylar, who you'll meet later, a fetishist for scooping out people's brains. My story is, of course, the best and most important of them all.

[He stares at a photo of his father.

MOHINDER. Why didn't you tell me about her, Father? My own sister, and I never even knew.

Song. I'M NOT THAT GIRL (Schwartz)

MOHINDER. KEYS CLICK, CROWDS ROAR

TEXTBOOK COVERS I CAN'T IGNORE

(he throws down a copy of his father's textbook)

FORMULAE ON HIS LAPTOP WHIRL

HE WAS MY FATHER

BUT I'M NOT THAT GIRL

[He closes the laptop, gets up, and looks into a mirror.

DON'T DREAM TOO WIDE

I'M A HUNK BUT SO MUCH FOR PRIDE!

(snaps at himself) I'M THE BEST YOU EVER HAD

(puts down the mirror) HE COULD BE MY DAD

BUT I'M NOT THAT GIRL

EV'RY SO OFTEN I SPOUT TRITE GOOP

IN AN ATTEMPT TO SOUND LEARNED

THEN I GET PEGGED AS THE COMPANY'S DUPE

WHEN I TRY TO BEFRIEND, I GET BURNÈD

(picks up the mirror again) BLITHE SMILE, LITHE LIMB

AND A GENETICIST—I'M HIM

(preens) EXOTIC HAIR THAT'S ALL A-CURL

(puts down the mirror) THAT'S THE LIFE HE CHOSE

BUT HEAVEN KNOWS

I'M NOT THAT GIRL

(runs back to his laptop) DON'T CALM, DON'T HEAL

SWEATING ONLY AMPS APPEAL sweat sweat

(looking in the freezer) PECAN PRALINE, ROCKY ROAD OR MINT SWIRL?

I mean—THERE'S A GIRL I KNOW

HE LOVES HER SO

I'M NOT THAT GIRL

[EDEN comes in, eyes the ice cream.

EDEN. What were you planning to do with ice cream, Mohinder? Smear it all over yourself with hot sauce?

MOHINDER. Er . . . no.

EDEN. Anyway, I think we should awkwardly avoid kissing making very sure that we both know that's what was meant to happen.

MOHINDER. K.

[They do so.

EDEN. Bye!

[She blows a kiss and leaves, then waits outside the door.

Song. I'M NOT THAT GIRL (reprise)

EDEN. THICK SKIN, THICK HEAD

I DON'T GET HALF OF WHAT HE SAID

HE AND I—TOUGH LUCK

HE'S A SCHMUCK

I'M NOT THAT GIRL!

IV. Scene Four. Wonderful/I Hope You're Happy

MOHINDER. LAPD Officer Matt Parkman had issues. I can rap about them, if you'd like. Oh, there isn't time?

[MATT PARKMAN is in his house with his wife. She sits on the sofa, goggly-eyed.

JANICE. So you can read my mind?

PARKMAN. Yup.

JANICE. What am I thinking now?

PARKMAN. The jingle to Fat Tire beer?

JANICE. Right! Now this one.

PARKMAN. Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four colling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves . . . and a lamp that's shaped like a leg?

JANICE. You're good! Now?

PARKMAN. A guy with glasses in a brown suit and tennis shoes tied up in a chair with . . .

PARODY WRITER. Sorry, that was mine.

JANICE. Guess what? I'm pregnant!

PARKMAN. Wonderful!

Song. WONDERFUL (Schwartz)

PARKMAN. I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS

OR PLANNED IT IN ADVANCE

I WAS JUST AN AVERAGE JOE

NOT A TOY OF KANT'S

I NEVER SAW MYSELF

AS A GENTLE-HEARTED CASANOVA

SINCE I CAN READ MINDS

AND LOOK AT FANTASIES, LADIES,

COME ON OVAH!

[His wife slaps him and throws him out.

Next he is at the scene of a crime and finds a little girl, MOLLY WALKER, in a fireplace.

DETECTIVE HANSON. A girl in the fireplace. How did you know?

PARKMAN. WONDERFUL!

THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL

(HANSON holds out her hand to shake and then shows him her car)

YEAH, I SAID WONDERFUL—IF YOU INSIST

I WILL BE WONDERFUL

SO SHE SAYS,

HANSON. WONDERFUL!

PARKMAN. BELIEVE ME, IT'S HARD TO RESIST

[He and HANSON are in the car alone together. PARKMAN stares at her thigh.

PARKMAN. 'CAUSE IT FEELS WONDERFUL

THEY THINK I'M WONDERFUL—

THIS DYSLEXIC COP

WHO FAILED DETECTIVE TWICE,

He and HANSON enter BENNET's paper factory, leave it shamefacedly)

I DO SEEM TO ENTICE

BAD BREAKS SOMETIMES IN WORK AND HOME—

HANSON. STOP!

[She slams her car door and drives away.

TED, who is radioactive, arrives and both he and PARKMAN sneak around the Bennets' house.

PARKMAN. THEY'VE BEEN INSIDE MY HEAD

AND I'VE GOT THIS FRIEND NAMED TED

A DEDICATED OVERRATED

PYROMANIAC—

[They enter and hold at gunpoint CLAIRE, BENNET, et al.

PARKMAN. JUST WATCH AS THE FX ATTACK

[TED's hands glow, ooh ahh

PARKMAN. (to BENNET) AT LONG, LONG LAST RECEIVE YOUR DUE

(to TED) I'M TIRED OF YOU

I'M NOT THE SHARPEST CRAYON IN THE BOX

AND I'M NOT EXACTLY A FOX

I'VE STILL GOT SOME CHARMING QUALITIES

NAMELY—

(reads BENNET's mind, then CLAIRE's)

BENNET. SHOOT HER, SHOOT HER

CLAIRE. SHOOT ME!

[PARKMAN shoots CLAIRE. Her father carries her into another room.

Song. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY (Schwartz)

CLAIRE. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY HOW YOU

MADE MOM INTO AN ETCH-A-SKETCH

SO NOW I'M GOING TO KVETCH AND KVETCH

BENNET. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY TOO

I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD HOW YOU

EXPOSED YOURSELF TO PERIL

BY SCOOPING YOUR OWN MARROW

BOTH. SO THOUGH I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY RIGHT NOW

[They hug. She spits out some bullets.

IV. Scene Four. Defying Normalcy

MOHINDER. To be or not to be? That is the question. Before I got my genetics degree from a prestigious university, I did a lot of amateur theatre. I hope to show you my Hamlet later on in our show. For now, we travel to Tokyo, Japan, so we don't look so insular and Ameri-centric.

[HIRO stares at a clock face in his claustrophobic office cubicle. Then he squishes up his face and thinks REALLY HARD. He manages to make the second hand spin backwards. The Twilight Zone theme plays. He concentrates even harder and poof! appears in New York City. He picks up a comic book and arrives back in time for tea. ANDO stares at his computer screen, a woman is stripping. The second hand spins forwards and suddenly HIRO is running out of the women's bathroom in a Tokyo bar.

Song. DEFYING NORMALCY (DEFYING GRAVITY) (Schwartz)

ANDO. YOU CAN TELEPORT TO BATHROOMS

THIS IS WHAT I'VE WAITED FOR!

YOU CAN HAVE ALL I'VE EVER WANTED . . .

HIRO. BUT I'M NOT SELFISH—

AND WITHOUT ME

YOU'RE A BORE

I'M TIRED OF BEING ANONYMOUS

LOST IN A STREAM THAT'S ALL THE SAME

I'M THROUGH WITH PLAYING BY THE RULES

OF SOMEONE ELSE'S GAME

ANDO, YOU SAID YOURSELF IN

BLATANT STEREOTYPE

THAT TO BE JAPANESE IS

TO BE ALL ALIKE

[He runs through the streets of Tokyo.

IT'S TIME TO TRY

DEFYING NORMALCY

I THINK I'LL TRY

DEFYING NORMALCY

AND それのfries がほしいと思うか。

ANDO. CAN'T I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE

HAVING DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR . . . ?

[HIRO packs his bags.

HIRO. I'M THROUGH ACCEPTING LIMITS

AND ACCEPTING SECOND-BEST

BECAUSE I'M NOT MY SISTER

[ANDO picks up a picture of HIRO's sister.

ANDO. HEY, I'D LIKE TO SEE HER UNDRESSED . . .

[HIRO gives him a withering look.

MY NAME SHOULD GIVE A CLUE:

DEFYING NORMALCY

I HAVE TO DO:

DEFYING NORMALCY

AND それのfries がほしいと思うか。

ANDO. So, what am I going to do while you're off on this crazy quixotic adventure?

HIRO. Sit at your cubicle, I guess. Drink Japanese beer.

ANDO. That's no fun. I've even got a sidekick name.

UNLIMITED

TOGETHER WE'RE UNLIMITED

TOGETHER WE'LL BE THE GREATEST TEAM

THERE'S EVER BEEN

HIRO—

HIRO. BUT YOU'VE GOT NO POWERS

[ANDO digs through his pockets.

ANDO. BUT I'VE GOT GUMMI SOURS!

BOTH. THERE'S NO FIGHT WE CANNOT WIN

JUST YOU AND I

DEFYING NORMALCY

WITH YOU AND I

DEFYING NORMALCY

HIRO. THEY'LL NEVER BRING US DOWN

[They board a plane. They spend the flight avoiding glares from sullen passengers who fall asleep and drool on them. They emerge from the plane, exhausted.

ANDO. If you can teleport, why didn't you just teleport us instead of us having to take a plane and suffer?

HIRO. Shhhh!

[HIRO points emphatically to the car in his comic book. They get it from the rental counter.

ANDO. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY

NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT THIS CAR

HIRO. Blatant product placement—BUT WE GOT THIS FAR

Suddenly they are in Las Vegas.

BOTH. I REALLY HOPE WE MAKE IT

AND THAT YOU DON'T BREAK IT!

[They part ways. HIRO waits at a diner in Texas and is served by CHARLIE.

ANDO. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY IN THE END

HIRO. (to CHARLIE)

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, MY FRIEND

[Jump to the New York subway. PETER and MOHINDER are there. Time stops and everything turns blue.

PETER. Oooh, mood lighting.

[FUTURE-HIRO appears with a soul patch and a samurai sword, and much better English.

PETER. Are you the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?

HIRO. SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME

YOU'VE GOT TO SAVE THE GIRL

DRESSED AS A CHEERLEADER—

SAVE THE CHEERLEADER, SAVE THE WORLD

THAT'S THE SHOW'S NEW CATCH PHRASE

IT'S NIFTY, DON'T YOU THINK?

NOT APPLICABLE IN

GENERAL, BUT I'LL DRINK

TO DEFYING NORMALCY

BOTH HIROS. I'M LOOPING TIME

DEFYING NORMALCY

HIRO. HEY, DOESN'T THIS DESTROY SOME LAW

ABOUT TIME TRAVEL THAT I SAW—

FUTURE-HIRO. LA LA LA LA LA LA

I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU SAID!

PETER. SAVE THE CHEERLEADER . . .?

[FUTURE-HIRO disappears.

PETER. Wait, I need to know what happens to Tiny Tim!

MOHINDER. Dude, who are you talking to?

Elsewhere, HIRO strides forward, is stopped by his father.

MR NAKAMURA. LOOK AT HIM, HE'S CRAZY!

STOP THIS!

HIRO. 父は、あなたのフィート臭いがする。

MR NAKAMURA. NO ONE FOLLOWS LOSERS!

WE'VE GOT TO BRING HIM . . .

HIRO. YA-TAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

MR NAKAMURA. DOWN!

[HIRO picks up a samurai sword and rides it like a broomstick, flying off the stage. Curtain. Interval. Time for ice cream and candy floss.

Act Two.

I. Scene One. As Long As You're Mine

MOHINDER. Aunt Cecil's Cocoa Walnut Crunch Cake. Serves 10. Two tablespoons butter, melted. Half cup cake flour. Fourth cup unsweetened cocoa powder. Two tablespoons baking powder.

[NIKI, the extremely slutty blonde who was stripping for ANDO, has her face pressed against a mirror, locked in her bedroom. A mass of dead and decapitated bodies surround her.

Song. AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE (Schwartz)

NIKI. KISS ME TOO FIERCELY (she kisses the mirror, then hugs herself)

BREAK ALL MY BONES (snap)

I NEED BELIEVING

WE'RE NOT JEKYLL/HYDE CLONES!

Her husband DL bangs on the door.

DL. Niki, who you singing to?

From inside the mirror, NIKI's alter ego JESSICA sings. STEVEN MOFFAT shakes his head.

JESSICA. WE'VE GOT SOME PROBLEM

IN BOTH OF OUR PASTS

THAT MAKES US ALL ANGSTY

BEFORE WE KICK ASS!

[DL breaks down the door, ignores the bodies and instead focuses on the rich furnishings and designer clothes.

DL. JUST FOR THIS MOMENT

I'D LIKE TO KNOW

HOW AN EX-CON AND YOU

CAN AFFORD ALL THIS DOUGH

AND LINDERMAN'S SCARY

AND YET WE'RE NOT WARY . . .

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE . . .

MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS

JESSICA. THAT MUST BE IT

DL. 'CAUSE THOUGH I CAN DO THIS (he sticks his arm through a wall)

I'M STILL WITH THIS TWIT (indicates NIKI/JESSICA)

ALL THREE. EVERY MOMENT

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE

WE'LL MAKE THIS PLOT THREAD

(to audience) GO TIL YOU LOSE YOUR MIND!

Their son MICAH comes in, dragging with him various parts of computers. He, too, ignores the bodies.

MICAH. SAY I'M A GENIUS

BUT IT'S NOT FAIR

'CAUSE THESE ARE MY PARENTS

GEEZ, WHAT A PAIR!

ALL FOUR. JUST FOR THIS MOMENT

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE

WE SPLATTER THE BLOOD AND GORE

AND LAS VEGAS SHINES

BORROW THE SCREENTIME

UNTIL IT IS THROUGH

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE . . .

GERARD ALESSANDRINI. Jekyll and Hyde . . . it's Phantom Lite!

ii. Scene Two. One Short Day/A Sentimental Man

An accompanying slide reel of the artists mentioned plays under the narration.

MOHINDER. Humans have been artists since the dawn of time. Cave paintings from prehistoric eons ago have demonstrated Man's capacity for self-expression. Through the ages, we have the nameless masters of ancient Egypt, Greece, and Mesopotamia, to the Renaissance artists like DaVinci, Michelangelo, Raphael . . . and through the centuries, to modern-day: Titian, Rembrandt, Rubens, Gainsborough, Goya, Monet, Van Gogh, Picasso, Garfunkel . . . Now the great unsung artist of the twenty-first century: Isaac Mendez.

On the stage, a model of New York City.

Song. ONE SHORT DAY (Schwartz)

ALL. ONE SHORT DAY

IN THE BIG APPLE CITY

Close in on ISAAC's studio loft. ISAAC is standing in front of his paintings, explaining to SIMONE.

ISAAC. ONE SHORT DAY

IN THE BIG APPLE CITY

ONE SHORT DAY

(indicates painting on floor of New York explosion) THEN IT ALL GOES KABOOM!

EV'RY WAY . . .

OH, TODAY YOU LOOK PRETTY . . .

SIMONE. YOU CHANGED THE SUBJECT

BUT HOW CAN I OBJECT

WHEN WE'RE FACING OUR DOOM?

[They make out. They walk by each of the paintings.

ISAAC. THERE ARE SHADOW FIGURES DRENCHED IN BLOOD

SIMONE. CHEERLEADERS

ISAAC. GORE, GUTS AND MUD

SIMONE. GOACHE

ISAAC. OIL

[They stumble over his tourniquet, needle, and collection of heroin.

BOTH. AND IT REEKS STRONG

OF SMACK AND RENT AND LA BOHEME

SIMONE. THAT'S ALL GRAND!

[He digs through her purse.

ISAAC. LET'S SEE THE GREEN!

[She pulls away, takes on a noble, righteous stance.

SIMONE. I'VE GOT TO TELL PETER SOMETHING'S WRONG

I WANNA BE

IN THIS THREESOME

[They make out, again.

ISAAC. SO WE GET KILLED SOMEDAY

BOTH. OUR LIVES ARE HELL, MAKE NO DELAY

BUT FOR TODAY WE'LL ACT WINSOME . . .

[Outside, down in the street, HIRO and ANDO have finally made it to New York.

HIRO & ANDO. WHERE SO MANY ROAM TO

WE'LL CALL IT HOME, TOO

AND THEN, JUST LIKE NOW

WE CAN SAY:

WE'RE JUST TWO FRIENDS

ANDO. TWO GOOD FRIENDS

HIRO. TWO BEST FRIENDS

ALL. TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD

IN ONE SHORT . . .

ALL. DAY!

[In NATHAN's office. Surrounded by campaign advertisements, his shining teeth overwhelmingly fluorescent.

Song. A SENTIMENTAL MAN. (Schwartz)

NATHAN. I AM A SENTIMENTAL MAN

WHO ALWAYS LONGED TO RUN FOR CONGRESS

THAT'S WHY I DO THE BEST I CAN

(he primps) TO CLEAN MY TEETH, CURL MY LASHES, BUFF SHOES AND DRESS

TO IMPRESS. (pours himself a scotch) PETER, HERE'S TO YOU AND, WHY

EV'RYONE DESERVES

THE CHANCE TO FLY

AND WITHOUT YOUR ASSENT, I'LL

GO AHEAD AND ACT A BIT MENTAL

FOR I AM A SENTIMENTAL MAN . . .

III. Scene Three. What Is This Feeling?

[MOHINDER hums the Doctor Who theme.

CLAUDE. (invisible) Oi! You! Stop that!

MOHINDER. Why should I?

CLAUDE. I told you, I'm not being typecast!

MOHINDER. Nyeh!

[PETER is despondently walking along the street. He sees a man stealing people's stuff.

PETER. Like, what are you doing?

CLAUDE. Nicking people's stuff. What does it look like I'm doing? D'oh, you can see me?

[He slams PETER against the wall, then picks him up and tosses him across the street.

Song. WHAT IS THIS FEELING? (SCHWARTZ)

PETER. WHAT IS THIS FEELING?

SO SUDDEN AND NEW?

CLAUDE. I FELT THE MOMENT

MY FIST HIT YOU . . .

PETER. MY FACE IS TWITCHING

CLAUDE. MY HEAD IS REELING

PETER. THIS IS SO KITSCH-Y

BOTH. WHAT IS THIS FEELING

DRIVING ME INSANE

GOD, THIS IS INANE

AUDIENCE. YES!

PETER & CLAUDE. LOATHING

UNADULTERATED LOATHING

[CLAUDE swipes an unsuspecting person's purse.

PETER. FOR YOUR TRICKS (he tosses his hair)

CLAUDE. YOUR HAIR

[He pushes PETER; PETER sniffs disdainfully.

PETER. YOUR CLOTHING

BOTH. LET'S JUST SAY—I LOATHE IT ALL

They appear on the roof of MR DEVEREAUX's building.

PETER. YOU BUILD ME UP TO MAKE ME FALL

CLAUDE. YOUR BLEEDIN' HEART MAKES MY FLESH CRAWL

WITH SIMPLE UTTER LOATHING

(smacks PETER on the side of the head)

THERE'S A STRANGE EXHILIRATION

IN YOUR HUMILIATION!

PETER. WHAT A WIT! WHAT A SAGE!

YOU HAVE A STRANGE OBSESSION

WITH BIRDS AND P'RHAPS DEPRESSION

YOUR NORTHERN NAVVY ACCENT

I'LL BE LOATHING

YOU . . . (picks up the script) UNTIL NEXT PAGE . . .

[They fight with sticks over the next section.

PETER.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING

SO SUDDEN AND NEW?

I FELT THE MOMENT

I . . . DIDN'T SEE YOU

MY SPINE IS BURNING

MY HEAD IS REELING

I HATE THIS FEELING

OH, SUCH PAIN!

CLAUDE.

LOATHING

UNADULTERATED LOATHING

FOR YOUR HAIR, YOUR WUSSY NURSE CLOTHING

LET'S JUST SAY

I LOATHE IT ALL

YOU NEED SOME TOUGH LOVE

BEFORE I FLEE

TO REAPPEAR IN SEASON THREE?

YES!

[SIMONE and ISAAC appear and get touchy-feely. PETER and CLAUDE are of course invisible.

PETER. Was this just a lame excuse for me to blow up and get mad and not trust Simone anymore?

CLAUDE. In a word, yes.

PETER. Grrrrrr!

CLAUDE. BOOM!

[PETER makes a mad dash into ISAAC's studio. ISAAC picks up a gun and shoots SIMONEPETER disappears.

ISAAC. D'oh. That was—that was Peter's fault, by the way.

[SYLAR enters. Knocks over paintings.

ISAAC. You!

SYLAR. Who were you expecting, Santa Claus?

Song. ONE SHORT DAY (reprise)

ISAAC. ONE SHORT DAY

AND THE BOMB IN THE CITY

ONE SHORT DAY

BUT I KNOW YOU'RE DEFUNCT

WHAT A WAY

TO BE DYING, IN THE CITY

SYLAR. WHO'S THE MAN

WHOSE

WHOSE BRUSHSTROKES ARE PRETTIER?

WHO'S THE SAGE WHOSE STAGE NAME'S ERUDITE,

BANTER IS WITTIER?

[ISAAC screams as SYLAR cuts off the top of his head.

IV. Scene Four. Cutting Through Life/Finale

[SYLAR is looking down at New York from a skyscraper.

Song. CUTTING THROUGH LIFE (DANCING THROUGH LIFE) (Schwartz)

SYLAR. THE TROUBLE WITH YOU LOT

IS YOU'RE SO SELFLESS

CURE THIS AND SAVE THAT AND THINK

YOU'RE HEROIC AND COOL

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SPECIAL, ACTUALLY DREADFUL

NOW WHY DON'T YOU STOP PLAYING FOOLS

STOP STUDYING STRIFE

AND I'LL TAKE YOUR POWERS AND YOUR LIFE . . .

CUTTING THROUGH LIFE

TAKING THEIR POWERS

SNAPPING LIKE FLOWERS—LIKE SO

DEATH'S MORE PAINLESS

FOR THE BRAINLESS

WHY WORRY? IT'S QUICK.

CUTTING THROUGH LIFE

ABSORBING COOL THINGS

I'D LIKE TO RULE THINGS, FOR EXAMPLE NEW YORK

NOTHING MATTERS

EXCEPT MY BLOODY QUEST

IT'S JUST LIFE . . .

[PETER flies up. They fight.

PETER. YOU'RE SUCH A LAME DORK!

And you've got a Uni-brow!

[SYLAR flies away, murdering people as he goes, CHARLIE, TED, etc.

SYLAR. CUTTING THROUGH LIFE

SLICING AND STABBING

AND ALWAYS LAPPING UP

LIFE IS FRAUGHT LESS

WHEN YOU'RE THOUGHTLESS

LIKE ALL YOU GUYS;

ME, I'M A REBEL

CUTTING THROUGH LIFE

I'M EVIL AND NASTY

I'M ALSO PLASTIC

AS I AM RIFE

WITH OUTSIDER STATUS

(he whips out a pen and a pad) (WHERE IS MARK GATISS?)

I'M CUTTING THROUGH LIFE!

[He flies off and enters his mother's run-down apartment.

MOM. Oh, Gabriel, I know I didn't give you a Bibically-referenced name for nothing. I'm going to be oppressive and offer you sandwiches you don't like and generally make an annoyance of myself, but at the same time remain sympathetic so that you can do this . . .

SYLAR. LET'S PUT YOU IN A MOCK SNOWGLOBE

[He levitates his mother's snow globe collection and makes it spin. Pretty soon she is spinning too.

SYLAR. AND WATCH YOU WHIRLING AROUND

MOM. Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!

SYLAR. (to audience) AND YOU THOUGHT YOU'D FOUND

SOME PITY FOR ME

STAY THERE AND SEE

WHAT MY MOM DOES IN THE MOCK SNOW GLOBE

IT'S A MODERNIST REQ

THAT THE BACKSTORY'S SET

[MOM falls to the floor and picks up a carving knife.

MOM. CUTTING THROUGH LIFE

MY BOY'S A NUTTER

SYLAR. ONLY BECAUSE YOU PUTTER

AROUND IN MY LIFE!

NOTHING MATTERS

EXCEPT ABSORBING POWERS

IT'S JUST LIFE.

[He accidentally stabs her.

SYLAR. That was awfully convenient.

SORRY, MOM . . .

[He flies off and rips off ZANE TAYLOR's head. MOHINDER appears.

SYLAR. Would you like some tea?

SEE MY TRAGIC'LY INNOCENT FACE

THE ONE THAT'S A LIE

YOU IDIOT GUY—

WE SHOULD GO ON A SPREE,

YOU AND ME

GEE—

I KNOW SOMEONE WOULD BE MY HERO

IF THAT SOMEONE WERE

(motions at MOHINDERTO, WELL . . .DUHRRR . . .

MOHINDER. Well, maybe I can drive you around so you have access to other special people.

SYLAR. OH MO, REALLY?

YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?!

MOHINDER. Don't call me Mo.

[At the Petrelli house . . .

MRS PETRELLI. So . . .

NATHAN. So we'll all get out safely and a lot of people in New York will die.

MRS PETRELLI. After all . . .

NOW THAT WE KNOW ONE ANOTHER

MRS PETRELLI & NATHAN.IT'S CLEAR—WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

MRS PETRELLI. YOU'RE PERFECT

NATHAN.YOU'RE PERFECT

BOTH. SO WE'RE PERFECT TOGETHER

BORN TO BE FOREVER . . .

SYLAR. CUTTING THROUGH LIFE . . .

[HIRO and ANDO stare in awe at the Kensei sword. A bit breaks off but HIRO hastily reattaches it.

HIRO. FIN'LLY FOR THIS ONE NIGHT

I'M ABOUT TO FIGHT A REAL FIGHT

WITH KENSAI'S SWORD AT

MY SIDE AND POPS TAUGHT ME HOW

I ONLY WISH A HERO'S LOT

WEREN'T SO INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT

I'M DEAD MEAT

I'M ALONE NOW . . .

ANDO. WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

I NEED HELP HELPING YOU

WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

HIRO-SAN . . .

Though I'm boring without you, you're just a little diminished without me.

HIRO. Nuh-uh.

ANDO. Yes-huh.

HIRO. HERE WE GO . . .

[In the bathroom of the Bennet house. CANDACE, disguised as MRS BENNET, turns on the tap and throws BENNET against the wall.

CANDACE. IT'S REALLY, UH, HARD, DON'T YOU THINK?

HIDING CLAIRE WITHOUT A SHRINK

WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

YOUR WIFE AND YOU

SO SPILL YOUR GUTS

WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

SO TELL ME EVERYTHING!

BENNET. OH WELL, I . . . (She transforms into CANDACE) NUTS!

[PETER is driving CLAIRE in New York.

PETER. LISTEN, CLAIRE-BEAR . . .

CLAIRE. Peter?

PETER. UH, CLAIRE, THERE'S

SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO SHARE

I'LL BLOW UP SOON

AND THERE'S SOMETHING YOU MUST DO

NOW I KNOW IT ISN'T FAIR . . .

[She looks genuinely pained.

CLAIRE. DO I HAVE TO CUT YOUR HAIR?

'CAUSE I LIKED IT WHEN WE TOSSED,

LIKE TWO YOUNG DUMB BLONDES

PETER. No! No! You've got

TO TAKE THIS GUN AND BLAST ME!

[He hands her the gun; she's enraptured and hugs him.

CLAIRE. OH PETE, CAN'T B'LIEVE YOU ASKED ME!

AND WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

DON'T YOU SEE, THIS IS OUR CHANCE?

WE DESERVE EACH OTHER

AND THE REST IS

PETER. Well,

PANTS

CLAIRE. What?

PETER. IT'S PANTS!

[Everyone gathers at a modern-looking building in New York with snow on the ground.

ALL. CUTTING THROUGH LIFE

WATCHING THE ECLIPSE

AND WAITING FOR NETFLIX

AT THE END OF THE QUEUE

AND THE STRANGE THING:

YOUR LIFE COULD END UP CHANGING

IN THE HEROES

REVUE!

[SYLAR tries to cut open PETER's head; PETER's hands become radioactive; CLAIRE picks up the gun to shoot him, then trips on the ice and breaks several of her teeth, which grow back. BENNET drops his glasses and fumbles around on the ground for them. MOHINDER and PARKMAN practice ballet with ANDO counting time, as HIRO stabs SYLAR as the latter is distracted by the ballet. BENNET collides with PARKMAN, causing the ballet to fall apart. NATHAN flies out of nowhere and picks up PETER. SYLAR slithers away. Right after he does, however, MARK GATISS appears.

MARK GATISS. Did someone want my autograph?

[Cut to Las Vegas: DL, NIKI/JESSICA and MICAH are watching TV and eating popcorn.

Back to the square in New York.

CLAIRE. NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED (She buries her face on BENNET's shoulder)

BENNET. NOW AT LAST HE'S DEAD AND GONE

PARKMAN. NOW AT LAST THERE'S JOY THROUGHOUT THE LAND

MOHINDER. WHO CAN SAY IF HE'LL BE

BACK NEXT SEASON, AND

IF . . .

HIRO. THERE'S BEEN A COP OUT

CLAIRE. NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED . . .

ANDO. AND WE MIGHT SEE MORE

HIRO & CLAIRE. OF PETER AND . . .

ALL. NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED . . .

HEROES IS. . .

WICKED!

THE END

1 As blatant an excuse for fan fiction as I've ever heard, but no one else seems to see it that way.