Okay, this story is actually not listed on my profile because... my dear sister Lady Lilliana and I only came up with the idea for this a few days ago. And I wrote it, and now here it is. Feel free to shoot me if you wish. Just make sure to read Lady Lilliana's fics of this nature and mine before you do. These include Insanity is a Birth Defect, Sweet Angels, Kisame's Devious Plan, etc. There are soon going to be too many to list. Oh, wait... there already are.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, yada yada yada... I own Tei and her ridiculously excessive drinking habits, Lady Lilliana owns Rei and her mad stylishness, and we joint own Anno (and his easily shuttable mouth) and Rimu (and his incredibly annoying pranks).

And remember, kids... don't try this at home. No, wait... alcohol is bad for your health. Or, if you feel like it, both.

Ten steps to survive a stay with the Akatsuki:

1. Do not ask Kakuzu for money.

2. Do not insult Hidan's religion.

3. Do not spill anything on the floor within a six mile radius of Sasori.

4. Do not enter Deidara's workshop without written permission.

5. Do not call Itachi a girl.

6. Do not look under Kisame's bed.

7. Do not let Anno speak.

8. Do not touch anything in Rei's room.

9. Do not give Tei a lemur.

10. Do not annoy Leader.

Tei, although being mentioned in the list, still managed to break several rules. She asked for money to buy a lemur, which irritated Kakuzu no end. Then she coerced (read: forced) Anno to ask Kakuzu for money for the lemur. She hunted through Kisame's bedroom for some money, finding eight bars of soap that had been missing for several months. She then hunted through Deidara's workshop. Why Deidara had a bucket of red paint balanced precariously on the edge of the table, we will never know. Finally, when Itachi asked what she was doing sneaking around the hideout with an empty loot bag, she told him to "bog off, you pathetic excuse for a female albatross".

No, Akatsuki were not pleased with Tei.

Therefore, Leader was not pleased with Tei.

And an angry Leader seeking revenge is never good.

However, Akatsuki (and Leader in particular) had learned that the usual punishments (grounding, starving, locking in a basement with the cockroaches for three weeks, etc) did not work on Tei. Leader had to take drastic measures.

He took away the alcohol.

The vodka in the kitchen. The beer in the fridge. Tei's hidden stash of tequila hidden in the rose bushes in the back garden. Tei's hidden stash of tequila hidden in the rose bushes in the front garden. Hell, he even found the sake hidden down the side of the sofa. He took it all.

The Akatsuki Cave was now an alcohol-free place.

The following is an account of the alcohol-less fortnight that followed.

"Morning, all," Deidara yawned as he stepped into the dining room to fetch his breakfast orange juice. It seemed like a normal day, but there was a perpetual sense of impending doom over the heads of four particular Konoha ninjas- Rei, Anno, Rimu and… Itachi? Deidara frowned. "What's the matter?"

Anno looked furtively around himself before answering in a fearful whisper. "Don't you know?"

"Well, that was why I asked."

"It's Tei," Rimu supplied quietly. "She hasn't left her room in two days. She must be suffering from withdrawal by now."

"Yes, and we have none," Itachi sighed.

Rei stood up quickly, her eyes sweeping the room. "I'm leaving before she wakes up. We can at least go and find her a substitute. Come on, red eyes."

And with that, Rei left the room, heading in the direction of the kitchen, dragging Itachi with her. Deidara watched them go with interest before turning back to Rimu and Anno, who seemed even more afraid now that Rei was gone.

"So what's the deal with Telaki?" Hidan leaned over from his seat on the other side of the table. "She sulking or something?"

"You lot have never seen her sober, have you?" Hidan and Deidara shook their heads and Rimu continued. "She's… difficult. She used to be addicted to coffee but that changed when she was about ten…"

He trailed off and Anno picked up where his teammate left off. "I've known her my whole life, and the only person that could ever control the sober, caffeine-less Tei was her grandpa and Rei, but only a little. She's just scary. Maybe even as scary as Leader."

"As scary as Leader?" Deidara muttered in disbelief. "Is that even possible?"

"Oh yes."

At this point, the impending doom that they had been sensing descended upon the dining room. The door slammed open. Tei stepped in.

Her eyes were narrowed, a scowl plastered across her face. Her hair was tied back in a high ponytail (which was unusual in itself) and her Akatsuki cloak hung off her shoulders like a cape. Her slashed forehead protector was nowhere to be seen, and the inhabitants of the dining room were shocked by the sheer amount of black leather and silver jewellery the girl was wearing. A pair of mirror sunglasses perched atop her head and her card holder was now strapped tightly to her right hip.

Yes, Suzuka Telaki had reverted to her 'intimidation' phase.

Anno cradled his head in his hands and began to rock backwards and forwards, moaning quietly. Rimu silently slid under the table in an attempt to hide. The remaining inhabitants of the room- Hidan, Deidara, Sasori, Konan and Kisame- simply stared until Tei glared at them.

"What the hell are you looking at?" she snapped. "Where's that bastard Rimu? I have a score to settle with him!"

Kisame slowly reached under the table and dragged Rimu out by the collar of his cloak. If looks could kill, Kisame would be dead. But, then again, if looks could kill, Rimu would have been six feet under even before Tei glanced at him. Ah, the potency of that poisonous glare.

The kunoichi (formerly known as the patron saint of crazy, currently known as the patron saint of scary) smiled mirthlessly. "Before, I was too drunk to notice, sensei, but it seems you have been playing pranks on me since the day we met. I don't really care for that sort of thing. So, here's the deal. If you ever play a prank on me, ever again, you'll lose your left ear and several of your fingers. Do I make myself clear?"

Before Rimu had a chance to reply, the door once again slammed open, this time to reveal, not a leather-clad, scowling blonde, but a short, purple-haired kunoichi bearing a tray. Rei was followed by Itachi, who also seemed to be bearing a tray. Rei smiled brightly. "Coffee for you, Tei!"

Tei's eyes widened and she drank every single one of the twenty-two mugs of coffee within seventy-three seconds. Then she pounced on Anno, suddenly hyperactive. "COFFEE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER!!!"

Rei smirked at the incredibly confused Akatsuki members. "Coffee is her anti-drug, of a sort. It's what we used to give her when she was a kid. Changes her back to her regular, ADHD self."

And so a crisis was narrowly avoided by the quick thinking of our favourite seamstress. At least, it was… on Monday.