I always needed time on my own.
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried.
"Erza?" Mirajane's face was twisted into a mask of concern when I saw it. "You're out of it again."
"Aren't I always?" I needed another drink. She sighed and filled my glass. How many have I had? Two? Three? "I don't know what to say," she said quietly. There was barely anybody left at the guild; at this time of night, it's a wonder there are even people here at all. "Neither do I, Mira." The glass went from full to half empty in a matter of seconds. Funny. Drinking like this is usually Cana's thing.
"You're still hurting."
"I know." I stopped denying it a long time ago. Just made things worse.
"I'd tell you to move on Erza, but knowing you the way I do that's out of the question." She's right. It's been two years. I can't believe I'm actually keeping track. "It was never part of the question. Ever." Mira nodded and wiped off another shot glass. "Why don't you go visit him?"
"Juvia's there night and day. I'm not going to intrude on that."
"Right." I finished my glass and held it out for another. Mira shook her head gently and pried it from my fingers. "Erza."
"Mira."
"Go and see Gray."
And the days feel like years when I'm alone.
She was right. I nodded and got up to go, leaving Mirajane alone at the bar. The streets seem colder this night. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just more drunk than I usually am. Wait no. I can't be drunk. Mirajane poured me the drinks. Nope, definitely not drunk. I'm sure of it. She started watering my drinks down after that incident when I thought Natsu was Gray.
Huh. Gray.
You know what? Forget it. I'm not going to go see Gray Fullbuster.
I stomped off toward my place, the rainwater from this afternoon's storm soaking into my boots. They invented sidewalks so you don't have to walk through puddles after storms. And, oh yes, very fucking wonderful.
It's raining. Again. Never mind, I'm nearly home anyway. I really ought to remember to bring an umbrella next time I waltz back ho-
Hey. I don't live here. Gray does.
At least he used to.
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side.
He probably won't mind if I come in. The door creaked and dust motes rose from the floor when I stepped in. If it's this dusty, then not even Juvia's been in here. God, what a mess. He hasn't - hadn't - changed since he was a kid.
And yet somehow his bed is just as immaculate. That was a thing with Gray. He never liked cleaning his room; he used to say that as long as his bed was alright he wouldn't give shit how dirty the rest of the room was. The bed's dusty too. Must have been the last time he made it.
Aw fuck. Is this - dammit how long has this pizza been here?! I picked my way through the mess to his bathroom. It was a mess in there too.
Everything that I do reminds me of you.
And the clothes you left they lie on the floor.
His water's still running, thank God. I flicked on the light to wash my hands.
I shouldn't have.
Not because a dead person was hanging from the shower rod but because the mess in there was worse than the one in his room. All his clothes on the floor. I smiled to myself as I picked up a shirt and threw it in the hamper. There were times when I'd beat him up for randomly stripping, but it feels like it all happened long long ago. The corner of something red peeked out from under the mound of cloth.
It was me.
When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too.
Me and Gray. No amount of rum could make me mistake him for someone else. It was the photo we got after one of those little jobs the two of us used to take just for fun. I remember. All we had to do was catch a cat. Simple, right? No. Cats are near impossible to catch when they're completely uninterested in whatever food you're holding out for them. Gray was so damn proud that we finally caught the damn thing that he just had to take a picture.
Is he still smiling like that now?
Something wet rolled down my cheek. His ceiling must be leaking in here. I flicked the light off again and ran out. Well, at least it's not raining anymore. Time for me to go home and rest. This day's been a whirlwind.
"Hey Erza!" Who do I see when I turn around?
Gray fucking Fullbuster. Speaking with Lucy's voice. Maybe I am drunk after all. "Hey Lucy."
"Man, so glad I found you. I was starting to think you were running around drunk again." Um, well... "Anyway, come on. Let's get back before it rains." Lucy latched on to my arm and lead me down the street. "Lucy..."
"Yeah, you were standing outside Gray's place."
"Huh." One of the things I like about Lucy is that she won't bug me for little details when I'm obviously not in the mood. I ought to thank her for that someday. "Look, it's not just you who misses him. Natsu's been a little droopy since then, and my days feel a little empty without him too."
"Figured as much."
"Aw, Erza." We're near the bridge. How far have we walked? Dammit, I really must be drunk. Mira's probably going to have to water my drinks down more. My eyes strayed to a small patch of grass on the river bank. He saw me cry here, a long time ago when we were kids.
And when you're gone,
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day,
And make it okay...
My hand curled around the picture of us. Lucy understood. "If you're not either next to me or in your room when I wake up tomorrow, I'll maul you." That made me smile at least a little. Lucy's spunky when it counts. I like that about her too. "Like you can, Heartfilia." She grinned, happy to see my spirits lifted, even just a little. "Probably not. Just-"
"Yeah, yeah. I'll be home, don't worry so much." She looked at me thoughtfully for a moment then walked away. I watched her go, then moved to that grass patch and sat down to stare at the river. What was it he said to me when he found me here again? 'Hey... what's wrong?' Was that it? Damn. Everybody always forgets the little things. Especially when the little things just happen to be the most important. The picture was still in my hand, like it was just waiting for me to stare at it.
That grin was one of the widest I've ever seen on him. My back touched grass and I stared at the picture, absorbing every little detail. God, my hair. It looks like a typhoon raped it. And would you look at that- HEY! A random wind blew the picture out of my reach towards the river. I scrambled after it. Dammit, now of all times - AHA GOTCHA YA LITTLE WOAH WOAH WOAH - fuck.
I'm wet. And the picture is too, but not so much. Well, it's the middle of the night. Nobody's around to see me be a klutz. Hey, what's this...
Me and Erza with Nibbles. Only a few more jewels and I can take Erza out for some decent food next job. Finally.
He was going to take me out for food. I read his writing over and over until every scratch of the pen registered in my brain. Gray was going to take me out to eat. Just him and me, at least that's how it looks.
Is it raining again?
I miss you.
Gray. Dammit. I'm drunk, I admit it. I'm fucking smashed. I waded back to the river bank again and lay down on the grass, on arm over my face to hide the tears. Yeah, I'm crying too. Drunk and crying. What a great combo.
"Gray..." Oh wonderful. Now I'm talking to the wind. Just fucking wonderful. "You asshole. You total asshole. Juvia said you wanted to tell her something before..."
Why can't I say it?!
"She said you wanted to tell her something!" I screamed to no one in particular. "Did you like her? I've been meaning to ask. Do you remember who told you she liked you? Dammit, 'liked' is an understatement. Do you remember who told you she was fucking crazy about you?!" The wind blew in reply and I nearly crushed the picture in my grip.
The great Titania, sobbing like a kid.
"I did. And I don't know whether I should have regretted it or not."
We were made for each other.
The wind stopped blowing. My voice croaked, partly from all the yelling and partly from all the crying. Why the hell do I have to have these crying fits? Anybody else, just not me. Damn you, emotions. "You asked me once how I really felt about Jellal. You said that whenever he rolled around I seemed to be out of it. In fact, people are telling me I'm out of it now. Did you know that?" My voice was nearly hoarse. No more yelling when drunk for me.
As I thought, no reply.
"I didn't answer you properly. I never did. Truth is," My arm moved and I saw the stars sparkling. "I never answered you because I really don't know. I don't know how I feel about him. Or about you."
Thing about being drunk for most people is they tend to be more truthful.
"Somebody must have explained everything to you by now, Gray. Do you know how I feel about you?"
Another thing: drunk people are nuts.
"Because I don't." And emotional. "I'd really appreciate a response."
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul...
"If it helps, I do know one thing." I sat up and rested my head between my knees. Tears flowing freely, no longer sobbing.
I can hardly breathe...
"I need you here with me."
Do you see how much I need you right now?
And I waited.
It felt like forever, but I waited for an answer right there on the river bank. I'm only human, though. No human I know has successfully waited forever for something that'll never come. The picture was crushed and dogeared. I held on to it the whole way back to the rooms I shared sometimes with Lucy.
"I'm back." I called out. No answer. Nobody's answering me. Is it because I'm drunk? My boots made little wet noises as I poked through the rooms, finally finding a note stuck on the fridge:
Dear Erza,
It's almost daylight. You're nowhere in sight. If you're home before me and you find this, there's some food in the fridge in case you're hungry.
Lucy
Thanks, Lucy, but I'll have to pass on that offer. My boots were soggy, so I tossed them off at the foot of the stairs. May as well, I'm probably going to be in bed for the rest of the day to deal with the hangover. The door to my room creaked open and I walked with dignity to my bed.
Well, not exactly walked with dignity. More of staggered like a drunk giant with mosquito legs. I curled up with my pillow and took one last look at the picture.
His smile and mine in one photo. My finger traced his grin.
And when you're gone,
All the words I need to hear
Will always get me through the day...
Stupid me. Stupid, drunk, bat-crap crazy me. "Hey Gray, I think I finally know how I feel about you..." I whispered to no one in particular.
And make it okay...
"I'm pretty sure I love you. Probably will for a long time. I'm just really, really sorry I only figured it out now."
I miss you.
It was the last thing I remembered before falling asleep, the dust motes from my perfectly made bed swirling in my line of vision.
Aaaaand, cue whirlwind. My best friend's complaining about the lack of Grayza fics, so I thought I'd add one more to the number.
I heard Mashima killed off Gray. Great. Wonderful. My Grayza ship has sunk. Now I have no reason whatsoever to watch or read Fairy Tail. But wait, isn't Furuichi dead now too? The guy from Beelzebub?
*sigh* They're really killing them off nowadays. Well, goodbye until next time. I missed you guys. Have a hug on me. XD
[With love, king._.julian]