My cousin and I started to wonder what it would be like if Alfred was completely horrible to Bruce Wayne, and, well, this happened.
*Note- Imagine alfred's voice in a british accent with all the S's pronounced as SH's
Setting: crowded city sidewalk, raining profusely
Alfred: Mastah Wayne, wonderful weather we're having, isn't it?
Bruce Wayne (Surprised) : What are you on about, Alfred?
Alfred: Nothing at all, mastah Wayne! I'm just awfully happy to be around you, sah!
People on sidewalk look admiringly at Alfred and his joyous mood.
Bruce: I'm… glad to be with you too, Alfred!
Alfred: You, sir, are my favorite person in the world, sir.
Bruce: Why, thank you, Alfred. You know, I was just thinking, maybe sometime we could-
They reach Wayne manor and Alfred closes the door.
Alfred: Shut your ungodly lopsided mouth, mastah Wayne."
Bruce looks crestfallen, and stands still, awaiting more abuse.
Alfred: You, sir, are so freaking ugly that I can't very well stand it, sir.
Bruce: silent
Alfred: If puked on your face, sir, It would be an improvement, sir. You realize that, don't you, Mastah Wayne?
Bruce: Y-yes, Alfred.
Alfred grabs Bruce by the back of the neck and pushes his face into a trash can.
Alfred: SAY UNCLE, MASTAH WAYNE!
Bruce: UNCLE!
Alfred: UNCLE, MASTAH WAYNE!
Bruce: UNCLE MASTER WAYNE!
Alfred: MASTAH!
Bruce: MASTAH! STOP IT, PLEASE!
Alfred lets go and throws Wayne to the ground, where he curls into a fetal position.
Alfred: Hey, sir. Where are your parents, sir? (Bruce whimpers) Where are, they, sir? Are they DEAD, sir?
Bruce nods, blinking back tears.
Alfred: But you know what sir? They weren't murdered. They took one look at you, and killed themselves. COULDN'T STAND THE STENCH OF YOU!
Bruce: Alfred, I won't put up with this, I'm getting a new butler. You're fired!
Alfred: You wouldn't last a day without me, sir. And I'm not your butlah, I was hired by your DEAD parents as your personal BULLY, MASTAH WAYNE! Keep you on your ugly little toes!
Bruce: I'M GOING TO BED, ALFRED!
He starts to walk away.
Alfred: YOURE FAT, MASTAH GAYNE!
Bruce: No response
Alfred: WHAT'S WRONG? CATWOMAN GOT YOUR TONGUE, SIR? Oh, that's right! She's got mine! CUZ WE'RE DATING, SIR! BUT SHE'D NEVER DATE YOU! CUZ YOUR FAT AND UGLY AND STUPID AND NO ONE LOVES YOU, CERTAINLY NOT YOUR PARENTS! … sir. GO TO BED, SIR! GO CRY!