DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything; I am making zilch in the way of money, and am doing this purely to satisfy my own Sheyla nee
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything; I am making zilch in the way of money, and am doing this purely to satisfy my own Sheyla needs.
This takes place right after Teyla leaves the training room at the end of the "Conversion". I started writing this practically right after that episode, and tonight was finally inspired to finish it.
Enjoy. -- this has been edited and reposted.
IT JUST MEANS
'Poor choice of words Sheppard' John thought as he stood in the training room, tapping Teyla's fighting sticks against his legs. "I should probably apologize." He muttered. He was bathed in a deep orange light streaming through the windows; he only said it because he wasn't sure what she thought about what he'd done.
He knew he was alone, but he cleared his throat anyway. It was to break the unbearable silence left in Teyla's wake.
Give it no further thought.
What was that supposed to mean? How was he not supposed to think about it? He'd spent two weeks trapped in the infirmary and all he'd done was think about it…that and the other things he'd done while he was "different".
He'd beat his own men into unconsciousness, run rampant through the city, and attacked Elizabeth, though in all fairness, he was pretty far gone at that point.
But when he forced Teyla against the wall and kissed her - that had still been him. A little faster, more skilled with a Bantos rod, but him all the same.
After the kiss, he hadn't been exactly sure what to do, or say. It had been awkward, and Teyla had looked more than slightly shocked. And during his entire stay in the infirmary that memory, of all his memories, had been at the forefront of his mind. Now that he was out and about, with his status was bumped up to active, they'd be out on missions again. He'd have to see her all the time and what if things got…well, weird?
Give it no further thought.
The way he saw it, it had two meanings: One – don't worry about it because it will never ever, ever, EVER happen again; or two- don't worry about it, I'm sorry that you feel you have to apologize because I thought maybe it could lead to something more.
He sure as hell hoped it was number two. Of course, odds are it was number one, if the look on her face, her tone and body language was anyway to judge. Though, if it was number two all he had to do was show how he really felt and (if she felt the same) weirdness flies right out the window.
He'd always felt something, he'd never really been sure what it was, gratitude, friendship, loyalty, lust…love. But that moment, when he'd beaten her in her own training methods, something happened. Maybe it was just the virus wearing down his inhibitions, letting him realize what he'd really wanted all along.
He shuddered. He hated to think that he might owe something to the virus. That something good could have come from being infected.
He supposed he should be thankful that he'd figured out his feelings. He still felt a little foolish. He'd kissed her, and she'd frozen. 'To the spot', he added ruefully. Her big brown eyes had locked with his for only a moment, but it was a moment that lasted long enough to tell him that one of the two aforementioned things occurred to her.
From the short conversation he'd just had with her, he'd gotten that sinking feeling. The one that makes you feel like your heart just dropped down to your heels. There weren't many things he could loose that would really hurt him, but Teyla was definitely high up on the list of few.
He sat down on the bench where his and Teyla's things would usually rest. He looked at the sticks still griped tightly in his hands, he thought about all the times he trained with Teyla, all the times he had before him…or should have. After a few minutes sitting with his head against the cool glass of the window, he realized something. He was absolutely sure about how he felt.
He wanted to be with her.
There weren't really any specific rules to keep them apart; while she may be under his command she wasn't part of their military, so technically fraternizations rules didn't apply to her. Besides, they were in another galaxy, under totally different circumstances, things were bound to be done differently.
But none that really mattered; what did was that he…he loved her.
He loved her.
He rose up and hastily shoved his sticks into a bag and strode out of the room to find her.
Teyla let out a second, this time audible sigh of relief as she heard the door to the gym slide shut behind her. She swore she had felt him coming towards the room, felt a foreboding uneasiness descend.
Then he was there; a nice shirt with buttons (something he was not often seen wearing) and hair every which way. He was completely normal, un-enhanced, and in control. But there was the suffocating silence that followed him. She knew he had wanted to speak and had not known where to begin. Finally he spoke, and she knew what was coming. It was like him to apologize for everything, even the things he could not control.
He had said he should probably apologize, she recognized it for the question that it was and so told him not to think about it. Already well aware of the impression it would send, she saw the same look of surprise pass through his eyes, that must have been plastered all over her face at the time of the kiss.
She probably could have found a gentler way of saying it, but he recovered just as quickly, spoke, and let her talk again. She told him goodbye and left. It was all she could do.
Wondering down the blue-gray halls of Atlantis toward her room, she tried to pinpoint the exact reason she had given the response she had. It was not because she did not feel for him; on the contrary, she felt very strongly towards him, but lately something had been nagging at her. She had begun to feel herself pulled in two directions; John on one side…Ronon on the other.
She could not deny that there was great potential with Ronon; that something was going on between them. They could be great lovers, she was sure. They could have many healthy, strong, proud children; but was there love, or only lust?
It could very well be their warrior sides were where all the chemistry was, she just was not sure.
With John she also felt they could be great lovers, with the same children, but things were different with him. He was a warrior, but not like she and Ronon; he had been born and raised in circumstances she could only hope her own people may one day know. Maybe it was love, or maybe it was the adventure he brought with him. After all, he was the alien in this galaxy. There was definitely something indefinable that drew her to John Sheppard.
She sighed again and began to pull her hair back into a ponytail. She let the soft, swishing motion of the leaves of her colorful skirt distract her. She repositioned her bag on her shoulder and leveled her eyes with the ground in front of her. She knew herself well enough to know when she was in love or not, didn't she? She would have to request to be taken to the mainland to seek counsel with her own.
She laughed inwardly at herself; Teyla, the Athosian leader, asking for romantic help with two men who were not even of her people.
"Teyla!" She stopped at the sound of her name and hesitated for a moment before she turned around. She almost faltered and wanted to run from the disarming grin he wore, "Look, um, I wanted…not to apologize. Actually, I want to take it back. I hereby revoke the apology."
Her brows knitted together, "That is-" her eyes searched the air, "fine."
He lightly took hold of her arm and pulled her over into a door way, for a just a moment she thought he might hold her back and kiss her again, perhaps to prove some point. Instead he let go of her once they had reached door, and rubbed a hand through his hair and whispered to her, "I'm not sorry. I mean I don't know if the virus…it's how I feel Teyla. I'm sorry for the way you found out, but not that you did. You know what I mean?"
If words came with facial expressions, she imagined hers to say something like 'duh' (a word she'd learned for Dr. McKay). She didn't speak; she didn't know what to say! So naturally, "I do not know what to say Colonel."
"Colonel…" It was even softer than his whispers.
"John." She corrected, she truly did not mean to hurt him. "I, it is not that I…" she had to choose her words quickly and correctly, "I am, unsure, about many things."
He wet his lips and nodded his head, "Okay, okay…you need time. I understand that."
She took a few steps away from him and turned to speak to him once more before she made her exit, "It does not mean never, it just means not now." She started back down the hall, leaving him leaning in the doorway.
As she began to round the corner, Ronon came from the other direction. She stopped and greeted him and he told her he had just been coming to see if she was up for some sparring. She smiled and relaxed slightly in his presence; the tensions from minutes before fading away. She told him no, and started to walk again. Ronon was at her side she rounded the corner without looking back.
John, still standing in the shadow of the doorway watched the two of them. His jaw clenched softly in a new sort of jealousy as they walked away together.
It could be the end, I don't know, I may continue it. We'll have to see how I feel about it.
R and R please! Reviews make me all warm and fuzzy inside...well nice ones. :)