Disclaimer: I own no rights to Hawaii Five-0 or any of its characters. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement is intended.
AN: This is a fluffy little McDanno argument/getting together story. My grandfather taught me to love words, the more obscure the better. While going through a bout of writer's block, I thought it would be a good exercise to write something using a number of uncommon words and this is the result, although a few of the insults used may not be as uncommon in the UK as they are here in the U.S. BTW, there is a list of definitions at the end of the story.
"Away, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's tongue, bull's-pizzle, you stockfish?"
– William Shakespeare, Henry IV (Act 2, Scene 4)
Danny stormed into Steve's office and began yelling without so much as closing the door. "You pillock! What were you thinking? Wait," he threw up a hand like a traffic cop instructing a motorist to stop, "don't answer that because you weren't thinking." Danny flung both hands up in angry frustration. "I don't know why I'm surprised at your bêtise, your colossal recklessness. I should know by now what a dalcop you can be. Will I never learn?" He'd left Steve alone for one morning while he took Charlie to the dentist and as soon as he got to the office he knew something had happened. It only took him half an hour to break Lou and make him tell all.
"Danny," Steve leaned back in his chair and said in a voice so patronizing that Danny wanted to reach across the desk and hit him, "can you not be such a klazomaniac for once, please? Tani is more of a gobermouch than Kono ever was and if you don't keep your voice down she's going to come in here and demand to know what's going on."
"So what? She needs to know the kind of clodpate she agreed to work for. And what do you mean, don't be a klazomaniac, for once? I'll have you know that I do not always shout, you tosser!" Danny bellowed. Bellowing was not the same as shouting. It just wasn't. He took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. It didn't work.
"Your current tone says otherwise," Steve smugly pointed out. "And to make matters worse, you're such a ructabunde that not only do you always shout, all you do is bloviate at the top of your lungs, day in and day out."
"That's redundant, you blinkard. And I'll have you know that while I may, on occasion, raise my voice slightly in order to stress a salient point; I do, in fact, always have a point. I do not simply talk to hear myself talk."
Just then, much as Steve had predicted, Tani interrupted. She stopped in the doorway to Steve's office and stood arms akimbo, for all the world looking like a mother about to scold her misbehaving children. "Hey guys, at the risk of being called a gabbermuch again ..."
"A gobermouch," Steve corrected.
As soon as Tani spoke Danny had turned to face her so he wouldn't have to see Steve's I-told-you-so look. "It's a nosy person, a busybody, a quidnunc," he explained to their new recruit. His tirade interrupted, he went and dropped down on the couch.
"A quid, huh? You know what? Forget it. Can you please just tell me what all the shouting is about and what's up with the vocabulary? You two sound like you're playing some weird medieval version of Mad Libs."
"I've been trying to explain to Steve that once again he acted like a morosoph. I mean for someone who went to Annapolis and then spent five years in Naval Intelligence he acts like he has absolutely no common sense whatsoever. According to Lou, he ran into a burning building after a suspect without backup and with absolutely no thought to his own safety. He could have been shot, or died from smoke inhalation, or the building could have blown up with him inside, but did he think of any of that? No, he did not. That kind of fatuity is going to get the zounderkite killed one day. His luck can't hold forever. Despite the fact that I've explained to him over and over that he is not invincible, he persists in his foolhardy behavior even after radiation poisoning and a liver transplant should have been evidence enough that he is in fact mortal. He is such a mumpsimus when it comes to things like this and I've had it up to here." Danny's hand waved somewhere just above his head.
"Danny, I knew exactly what I was doing." Steve's tone was condescending as he stood up and went around to lean against the front of his desk. He crossed his arms over his chest and Danny could just see those distracting tattoos peeking out from beneath his shirt sleeves. "I'm fine aren't I? I barely even got singed. More importantly, I captured the suspect alive and he is singing like a bird, so stop being an ultracrepidarian and admit that when it comes to tactical decisions, I'm the expert."
"Okay, that's it," Tani declared. "If you two don't start speaking English I'm going to shoot both of you myself. Then we'll see who's immortal and who's not." She actually put her hand on the gun at her hip as if to give credence to her threat.
"We were speaking English," Danny told her. "Perhaps a few of the words were slightly obscure, but it was still English."
"Really?" Tani said, clearly frustrated with them both. "Then can you please tell me why you're hurling what I can only surmise are antiquated insults at each other? When I joined Five-0, I didn't sign up to be den mother to a couple of twelve-year-olds."
Danny glanced at Steve before answering. "I decided that after seven years, Neanderthal, animal, and putz, had run their course and were no longer effective insults."
"Actually, I thought of them more as terms of endearment," Steve supplied with a slight smile on his face.
"Shut up, you nitwit. So, I did a little studying and expanded my vocabulary significantly. I now have what I like to think of as my McGarrett lexicon. And Steve, being the emulous shmendrik that he is," at Tani's exasperated look he clarified, "I'm sorry, the competitive jerk that he is, he decided to do the same."
"When I came across the word klazomaniac, I was hooked," Steve told her cheerfully. "It means someone who only seems to be able to speak by shouting. How apropos is that? The word describes Danny to a T." He looked at Danny, "and, I'm pretty sure shmendrik is Yiddish not English."
"Whatever."
"Well, I may not know what a shmendrik or a zounderkite is," Tani told them, "but I do know that you're both a couple of addlepated ninnyhammers."
"Excuse me? Addlepated ninnyhammers? What is this 1930?" Danny chortled.
"Don't mind him, Tani. I liked it. But, why would you call us addlepated ninnyhammers?" Steve asked.
"Because you both seem oblivious to what is patently obvious to everyone around you and instead of admitting your feelings and getting a room already, you snipe at each other like the main characters in a '30s rom-com." At their looks she reluctantly admitted, "I may have watched It Happened One Night with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert recently."
Danny and Steve both started sputtering, but Tani simply ignored them and continued. "Danny, do you remember what you told me when you came to see me after Jason Duclair tried to kill us by setting half the island on fire and you were trying to convince me to join Five-0?" At Danny's slight nod she spoke directly to Steve. "He told me that even though you would drive me crazy and frustrate me, I couldn't ask for anyone better to watch my back … that you're somebody I would always be able to count on no matter what. I already thought you two were together, but after that visit, I was sure of it. When Lou told me you weren't, that's when I realized what a couple of numbskull's I'd agreed to work for."
Steve ignored Tani's commentary to focus on what Danny had said to her. "He really told you that?"
"Yes."
Steve turned to him. "Thanks, Danny. That means a lot."
"I'm not done," Tani huffed. "See there? He wasn't wrong about you being frustrating. Now, let me finish, please."
"Okay, okay," Steve told her. "Finish what you were going to say."
Instead, it was Danny who spoke from his place on the couch, his voice no longer raised, but it held just as much emotion. "I told her you have this uncanny knack of showing up in people's lives just when they need you most."
"That's sort of my job, Danny, to help people when they're in trouble. I'm a cop."
"That's not what I meant, you wozzock. Chin, Kono, Lou, Jerry, Nehele … me. You came into each of our lives at just the right time, when our lives were going nowhere or spiraling out of control. Your timing … I can't explain it, Steve. When I met you I was at my lowest point. Grace, who I usually only saw a few days a month, was the only bright spot in my life, certainly my only reason for being here. But, then you came along and I hated you immediately. I really did. You were such an arrogant jerk back then, still are for that matter, but you're also my best friend, my partner. You gave me a job and a purpose. You gave me a family again. I don't think I've ever really thanked you for that."
Steve slowly straightened and walked over to sit down next to him. With a slight punch to Danny's shoulder he said, "You don't need to thank me, Danny, because you did just as much for me, if not more. When I met you, I'd just lost Freddie and my dad. Hell, I hadn't had a family since I was 16 years old. The Navy was my life and I was used to being in command, to having people follow my orders without question. But there you stood, wearing that ridiculous tie, holding your gun on me and not backing down. I knew immediately that I was damn lucky to have you on my dad's case. By the end of the day, I knew I'd made to right decision when I stole you from HPD and made you my partner. It wasn't long before you, Chin and Kono became my family, but Danny, without you it wouldn't have worked, none of it. I never would have stayed. I would have used the task force to find out everything I could about my dad's murder and then I would have gone back to the Navy. I never planned on staying more than a few months. Then, after a while, I couldn't imagine leaving. I couldn't imagine leaving you."
"Oh my god," Tani groaned from her place in the doorway. "Would you two just admit you're in love with each other and get it on already? I'm really getting sick of all this pining and sexual tension."
"Yep, she's definitely a quidnunc," Danny pronounced with a jerk of his head towards the younger woman.
"But, she's pretty insightful, as well, at least when it comes to this," Steve told him.
"How so?"
"During this little vocabulary competition of ours..."
"It was only a competition because you made it one."
"Fine, but the point is that I came across a word that described me pretty damn accurately, at least it used to. I've worked really hard to change and now I think I'm ready to find out if I actually have."
"What's the word, Steven?"
"Alexithymia. It's the inability to identify and express or describe one's feelings."
"Well, that definitely describes the Steve McGarrett I first met." Danny remembered how guarded and closed off from his emotions Steve had been seven years ago. He seemed more Terminator than man at that point.
"I hope it doesn't describe the Steve McGarrett that you know now." The vulnerability in Steve's voice was obvious and that alone proved how much he had changed.
"No, it doesn't, at least not all the time, not even most of the time."
"I know it doesn't because I have definitely identified my feelings towards you. Now, if I can only work up the nerve to express them, I can mark alexithymia off my list of words."
Danny turned and brought one knee up onto the sofa so he could look at Steve directly. "Hey, you can tell me anything. You know that."
"Can I tell you that I love it that you care enough to harangue me when you think I've done something reckless, that I love it when you go on one of your rants for no reason at all, that I love your sense of honor and your unwavering friendship, that I even love how much of a curmudgeon you are, that I especially love that you let me be a part of your kids' lives, that I love that you're hot," at Danny's disbelieving snort he finished, "that I love you?"
"Oh yeah, babe, you can definitely tell me all of that." He reached out and laid a hand on Steve's knee. "Is it okay if I tell you that I love your loyalty, your sense of duty and meliorism, your goofiness, that I love how you show up in people's lives when they are at their loneliest and make them part of your family, that I love how much you love my kids, that I love it when you take your shirt off even though it sorely tests my self-control? Can I tell you that I love you too?"
Tani, who apparently hadn't left, but instead stayed to hear every single heartfelt declaration made by each of them, chose that moment to make it known that she was still present. "You two have quite the mutual admiration society going there. Are you going to do something about it or are you all talk?"
"Tani?" Steven said quietly without taking his eyes off Danny.
"Yeah?"
"Leave now, and close the door behind you."
She smirked. "Sure thing, Commander, but you might want to think about closing those blinds, too." Her laughter trailed behind her as she left.
Danny watched as Steve stood up and shut each of the blinds one by one. As he turned back towards the sofa and closed the short distance between them, his intentions were clear. Danny's gaze dropped from Steve's eyes to his lips. The word osculate played over and over in his mind, he had run across the word meaning "kiss" during his vocabulary studies, but he never thought he'd actually get to add it to his mental McGarrett lexicon. Now it looked as if he would get to write it in permanent ink. Hopefully, he'd get to add some words for sex and commitment too.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet."
– William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, Scene 2)
The McDanno Lexicon:
Lexicon - the vocabulary of a person, language, or branch of knowledge; compilation of words within some sphere (e.g. words used by Danny and/or Steve in relation to each other)
Pillock, Blinkard, Dalcop, Clodpate – a particularly stupid or foolish person
Bêtise - an act of foolishness or stupidity; lack of good sense
Mumpsimus – stubborn person who insists on making an error in spite of being shown that it is wrong; obstinately ignorant
Klazomaniac – someone who only seems to be able to speak by shouting
Tosser – a supreme asshole, jerk
Ructabunde – someone full of hot air
Bloviate – talk at length, especially in an inflated or empty way, to blow hot air
Quidnunc, gobermouch – a busybody; nosy
Zounderkite – a bumbling idiot who will end up making a stupid mistake
Fatuity – stupidity, especially complacent stupidity; smug foolishness
Morosoph – someone who is smart but has no common sense
Ultracrepidarian – someone who gives opinions and advice on matters outside his or her scope of knowledge or area of expertise.
Emulous – competitive
Alexithymia – the inability to identify and express or describe one's feelings
Wazzock – a stupid or annoying person
Shemendrik – a jerk; a stupid or foolish person
Addlepated – mentally confused; unable to think with clarity or act intelligently
Ninnyhammer – a foolish person; a simpleton
Meliorism – the belief that the world tends to improve and that humans can aid its betterment
Harangue – to lecture someone at length in an aggressive and critical manner.
Osculate – (verb) kiss
AN: I hope I wrote the story so that readers were able to derive the meaning of most of the words from context even if the words themselves were unfamiliar. I had fun with this story, so I really hope you had fun reading it. Thanks so much.