The Next Best Thing

Did you love me?

Gabrielle thinks the question, and she knows Xena hears, and she knows she's being cruel and unfair. She knows Xena loved her. She knows nothing else now.

But you left me.

But Gabrielle knows it wasn't like that, Gabrielle knows Xena had no choice. She knows the Warrior Princess couldn't let the 40,000 souls suffer their silent agony...

She knows it, but she doesn't have to like it. And it's easier to be bitter than succumb to the pain in her heart.

You chose them over me, Xena. Did I really mean so little to you?

And Gabrielle knows, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. But even this cannot ease the ache in her soul.

You left me all alone, Xena. You were my everything and you left me. What am I to do now?

Gabrielle knows what Xena would do. Xena would stay strong, would carry on. Move on. Xena would be all right, in the end.

I'm not strong, not like you. You once said it was I who was brave, but oh, how wrong you were. How very, very wrong...

Gabrielle caught the chakram on the mountain. And that's when it ended. That's when the beautiful walls they had built up came crashing down, and her world fell apart.

I caught your chakram, Xena. I caught it. Would you be proud of me? I think so. I hope so, but I won't ever know, will I? Because you can't tell me.

Gabrielle caught the chakram and she carries on, fighting against evil, doing her best to understand right and wrong. Like Xena used to. Like Xena would have.

Have I replaced you, Xena? Is that what I am to this world? Am I the Warrior Princess, Version 2.0?

And she is. Version 2.0, now comes with Sais, shaggy blonde hair, and a broken heart.

I don't want to be you, Xena. I want you back. I could never be even half of what you were...I haven't the strength, or the courage, or the intelligence to be you. But I was enough for you.

Gabrielle stares at a black urn full of ashes, ashes that are all that is left of her Warrior Princess.

But that's not really all, is it Xena? You left your mark upon the world. You left your wisdom, wise advice given to any who had need of it. You left your courage, shown in every rescue, every battle to the death. And you left me...A village girl with a shattered heart and broken soul.

But Gabrielle knows she cannot have what she wants, not ever. And what she wants is so simple, yet thoroughly implausible. Impossible.

I want you back, Xena. I want to hold you in my arms. I want you to fix me, to make me whole again. Your blue eyes could fix the holes in me, and we could be together again. Oh Xena, I just want to hold you...

But Xena made her choice.

Although, she really had no choice.

And Gabrielle knows this.

But it doesn't stop the ache in Gabrielle's heart.

Gabrielle finds herself in Potidaea, her tears dripping on the ground where she first met Xena. And she refuses every time of comfort, whether it is Lila's hugs or her mother's kisses. She even refuses the gruff condolences offered by her father, the warm shoulder offered by the man who never liked Xena in the first place. And just as suddenly as she knew she had to be there, Gabrielle knows she has to get away. It is too much, too soon, too close to the place her Warrior Princess first changed her life.

You changed so much of me, Xena. I once asked you if I was who I am because I am that way, or because you made me that way...Despite what you said, I know the answer now. You made me everything I am. Don't you see? I am nothing without you.

Gabrielle is torn between sleeping, and staying awake. Sleep could be very rewarding; she could slip away from the agony of her loss, if slumber would claim her. And she might dream, and the dreams could be good or bad. She might dream of Xena, or of the lack of Xena. But, she asks herself. Could dreams be more painful than the reality?

I don't want to go to sleep, Xena. If I go to sleep I have to wake up. And I know, I just know that I'll turn to face you when I wake up, and you won't be there. I'll be all alone again. Oh, Xena, why? Why did you leave me? And how can you expect me to go on?

And Gabrielle can't. She can't face any of it anymore. Not the harsh reality, or the proffered shoulders that will never be as warm or as strong as Xena's. And, most of all, the pitying looks everyone gives her, as if they understand. As if they too, had lost the other half of their soul. And none of them have, Gabrielle knows. None of them could even begin to comprehend that enigma that is Xena. The troubled mind behind the pretty face, the dark past behind the hard armor. The healing soul behind the soft skin, the skin that only Gabrielle knew. The soul she was healing, which has only splintered hers in return.

Am I sorry, Xena? Yes. And no...I'm sorry that the world lost you, and I'm sorry you had to wait for me for so long. I'm sorry for every awful I ever said, and all the things I should have said. And I am sorry for the people that will miss me. But I am not sorry to be seeing you again, Xena. It's all I could want, and I can have it now. Can't I?

Gabrielle sits in the tavern and she waits, prays for some warlord to have too much to drink. And she'll save some innocent drunken fool; she'll go out in a bang. Like Xena would have, if she had been able to choose. Xena was never one for subtle entrances. Or exits.

And that's the next best thing, isn't it? Being with you now...I know I'll appreciate it so much more, every second of the eternity I spend with you will be bliss, only because we are together. Even if Elysia falls apart, and the flames from Tarterus creep up and consume us, it will be heaven to me. Because I am with you.

So Gabrielle stands when the gang of thugs attacks. She stands between the innocent bystander and the vicious scumbags. 'A scumbag convention,' Xena would have said. And a convention it is, because there are more of them than Gabrielle could handle on her own, despite what Xena taught her. But she goes out in a bang.

She throws everything she has left into the fight, all her anger at Xena for leaving, and she takes most of them down. But the leader is standing behind her, and he brings her down with a swift stab of his sword. Using everything she has left in her, wanting this to be a fight to the death, Gabrielle stands on shaky feet, sees through a haze of pain. Wonders if this is how it was for Xena. And she wins: kills them all, saves the innocent, even though there were too many.

She makes it clear, to those whom it will matter to, that she wants to be cremated as well, and her ashes poured into Xena's urn. She makes it clear, and she refuses to see a healer, and she fights through everyone else's tears. All she feels is a strange sense of peace now, a giddy excitement to die. And see her soul mate.

Gabrielle makes it clear, and she limps off to a shady spot to die.

I'm coming, Xena. Please, wait for me. I'm sorry I took so long, I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry I let you go. Just a little while longer, and we can be together again. Did you miss me, Xena? Because I'm coming now. You don't have to be alone anymore...

Gabrielle feels the end, and she knows it. The words have started to run together in her mind, and her consciousness is fading fast. Giving the black urn a weary kiss, she says goodbye to all that is left of Xena's body, and prepares herself to say hello to Xena's soul.

I'll see you soon, Xena...

And then the teary green eyes see no more.