It's been more than six months and the feelings are still here and the hurt still takes the better of me at times. How on more than one occasion I cut class just to cry it off and try to make myself look like the cold hearted flirty bitch everyone thinks I am. So that when I see the two of you PDA-ing like fuck in school I can just continue to talk to my friends without cringing, or on my bitchier days make direct eye contact with you, mentally saying the same words over and over, "I will always be fucking better than her, don't you ever forget that." I don't know what you see in her, that slutty bitch you have pride in calling your girlfriend. She cheats on you, lies to you and even makes you cry on more than one occasion, but what does she have that can never make you leave her for me?

It is that day again. The day when I feel the weight of all the shit that happened and how I know it's my entire fault. I shouldn't have chosen him over you for the second time. I should've learned my lesson the first time I did this, but I was stupid enough to doubt what you said. How many times did I almost overdose on painkillers when it's that day, that week even? I try to count how many times I thought of the amount of the bottles of booze I got my hands on just to forget, but it is way past what I can count with my trashed state of mind. But hey, what can I say? You do hold the position of my real love, no doubt about it. If you were one of those other guys, I would've just moved on to some new guy I can toy with, maybe have some microscopic feelings for. But you aren't. That's the problem. You're my weakness, my kryptonite, whatever you want to call it. I can't just get any guy I want easily anymore for the main reason that I don't want anybody else but you and it makes me love even more than I thought I could.

I have to ease the hollow feeling that keeps on getting on my way, my permanent invisible scar that no else but you and my best friends can see. I tipsily walk to the one side of my walk in closet and grab some random bottle from my secret shelf. I needed to drown in the warm feeling that's reminiscent of what you make me feel yet so different in so many levels. I wanted to forget, even just for a moment, the numerous wrongs I did. I go back to my bed and chug the contents of the bottle dry.

There she goes again, I thought to myself. It's been a roller coaster ride just trying to figure out whether or not she really is okay at first, but I learned how to tell. She became her pre-him self again times infinity, I guess. But only I can tell she won't be the same after what happened before.

She has that constant sad look in her eyes that no matter how easily it fools the others, doesn't fool me or her, and I'm sure she knows that. She's gained weight too, what with all the chocolate, alcohol and painkiller mixes she's been doing ever since he left her. Last but not the least; she still remembers everything about him. Regardless of her getting back to her pre-him self, bitchier attitude included, she can't seem to forget him. I don't blame her though. She really did have feelings for him, not like those other guys she crushed for what, a few hours? All of a sudden, she was happy and it seemed as if sunshine emanated from her. Gone were the guys she lead on and everything. She was unbelievably happy. Too bad he couldn't understand how she shows it. You can try to take out the bitch from the girl, but sadly you can't say the same with the manner of revealing her true feelings for guys. Last I heard from her "things", it was as complicated as all the subjects put together, which is saying a lot. She was aloof when it came to them, even with him. I don't think he could understand that she just can't say "I love you" straight like any other girl. She was fucking Bella for God's sake. Guys follow her like men on crack. She had the body that was labeled "walking sex" from guys single and otherwise. Too bad none of them can get her; she's out of the market indefinitely.

Now, it's my time to shine. I love her to death, but being in her shadow doesn't do any wonders for me, as much as the other girls would like to think so. I'll still be her best friend of course, bitches don't do leave each other no matter what, but while I help her heal herself, I can take some of the spotlight off her shoulders and just be me, Alice, without the name Bella in the beginning making me seem like the bimbo sidekick. I'm just as good as she is, nobody just sees it. She shines much more than I do, even on her bad days. I take out the spare key of her room from my purse, for occasions just like this, go in and start to do some damage control before it gets out of hand.

Today was not a good day. I can tell from the time I woke up remembering what happened the night before.

Emmett and Jasper trying to tell me "what Tanya's been up to" those times we weren't together, which apparently consisted of her, a guy from her class and tons of flirting in the "school" mall of all places. It pissed me off like hell, simple as that. I was already starting to get trashed like fuck from all the Bacardi and other shit Emmett and the others convinced me to drink at the party then all of a sudden they cornered me in my room and told me. What they got was the reaction that only meant one thing: I will beat the fucking shit out of them. I almost did, but since the alcohol would probably make me lose my aim and make me look like a pussy, I decided to do the next best thing. Shout the fucking hell out of them. It scared them like shit, and it scared me too. What they were telling me makes me remember what happened with her.

She made my life like a fucking soap opera for a year, but no matter what happened I still loved her. Then she just had to hook up with that bastard for the second time right before prom. Dump me right before prom for him. Even when she tried to break things off she couldn't tell me she loved me too. I wallowed like fuck until prom night arrived and I met Tanya. She was my antidote of choice that time, reminiscent of Bella, yet still different. They had the same height, shorter than my six foot two frame, but not too short. Thin, but not too thin. Or maybe it was just me trying to find things similar to Bella in her. It worked out for the better later on. I couldn't bear seeing her with that bastard, so I just drowned myself in Tanya. She kind of threw herself at me, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel better. Then Bella's hold on me started feeling looser and looser and then I realized it was starting to go to Tanya. That's when I made it official. I was struck by our relationship. It was more physical and for show rather than for true emotions, but it didn't matter to me. I had enough love for the both of us, I thought to myself then. And anyways, she seemed happy too. We would just make out and everything almost everywhere. Weirdly, I always see her at those times with her gaggle of friends, or what I called as her groupies. Sometimes she doesn't mind me, but there are times when her eyes meet mine and she gives me a feeling like she knows she's better than Tanya and wants me to know that. Whenever that happens, I want to dump Tanya and beg myself back to her arms, but my pride and fear won't let me do so. I tried to forget and move on, and then a few weeks later, I really thought I was able to convince myself that I did move on. Just when I was convinced of those things more than ever, things started to go wrong. I wasn't as happy as before, I was crying more than I was laughing, but I was so desperate for the hollowness from hurt to go away, that I kept making excuses for it. I still do now.

I contemplated on this some more while I got a shower and went down from breakfast. My head was pounding, but when it came to her everything will always be clear. She will always be my drug, I thought to myself. I got my phone, dialed the familiar numbers and thought about giving her a call, like I always tried on days like this. Before I could decide, my phone played Tanya's personal ring tone.

My brother's so trashed. Ever since that ugly breakup with Bella he hasn't really been the same. The circles in his eyes, the booze, the sudden messiness of his usually spotless room, he couldn't even fucking play soccer that well anymore. That in itself was something I never thought I'd see. He was always acted so mature for his age, but of course he could still act like the normal teenager; girls, sports, good grades, the whole package. I guess it runs in the family, I chuckled at the thought. But since the break up neither side of him showed up. Sure, he had that ugly Barbie look alike attached to his hip, with them doing God knows what, but you can see from the way he acted that there was something off. He drank like fuck, mom and dad suddenly started getting calls from the school about certain "incidents" and other bullshit I don't even want to remember anymore. He wasn't little Eddie boy anymore, he was a fucking asshole. And we all knew why.

Before any of this shit happened, I could always depend on my little bro for anything; from a quick game in our game consoles, to good ideas to surprise my baby Rose just for kicks. Then all of a sudden, Bella arrived and things got even better. We were all paired up now. Me and Rose, Jazzy boy and Allie, Eddie and Bells, everything was great. Sure he was whipped like fuck, but I don't take it against him, Bella just had that effect on him. The time he used to spend alone in his room, reading or whatever shit he feels up for, he spent with all of us. You could tell that mom and dad were happier too. They were closer to him more than ever, and they would always thank Bella for that whenever they got the chance. But what surprised me was how much of opposites they were had so much common interests and fit like two pieces of a puzzle.

Bella had a reputation. She had what her other classmates tried to achieve without looking like some wannabe. The last time we saw her was in what, fourth grade? Then she came back in high school and she just changed. My little sister was so different from the last time I saw her, that when she greeted me, I didn't know who the fuck was hugging me and screaming. She was what most guys would call a vixen and she had everything else to boot, but the old Bella was still there. She still had her shy and clumsy moments, and of course her trademark blushes, so everybody didn't consider her a bitch like Little Ms. Slutty Barbie.

Eddie boy was still the same as before except he became more athletic. He was more mature than I was a times and even had a better attention span. He was also a Mensa certified genius like the rest of us, but he got the highest score. Then one day, some people started the whole Edward is a nerd shit, and so in a way only he could do he tried out for soccer of all things and got in, shocking I might add. I never expected him to run so fast and kick the ball so hard. Next thing we knew bam! Edward became some pheromone filled male that every girl in his classes threw themselves at.

I finally dragged myself out of bed after remembering all those things. Damn, I feel so old. I fixed up, got a banana, went to my dear Jeep and drive around. It's the only way I can convince myself that I shouldn't think of doing any shit, on purpose or otherwise that could affect those two dumbasses and get myself dragged down to hell's deepest pits.

First off, this is just a little something I wrote because it can get tiring writing fluff sometimes and cause I can seriously relate to what the characters here feel. I only started this story and I already feel so much for it.

I didn't get this beta'd for a reason. I want to practice my own writing skills too.

Maryssa! If you're reading this, then I'll tell you now, this is the story that I told you about in passing! I'll explain more elaborately if you want, but I'm sure you'll get what I mean. ;)

Read and review! I already have a feeling I'll be updating this tons more than my other stories. :)