A/N: I guess this is a follow-up...? sequel...? companion piece...? to "Agents of SHEEP". It's another dialogue-only one-shot featuring my favourite hacktivist and (un)dead secret agent! You may also notice that, like Agent Ward, I'm a fan of board games. :)
"COULSON!"
"…. you know, the others knock before barging in."
"Sorry, I'm in a tizzy. I'll try it again."
"Skye, stop. You're in my office now, let's go from here. Hi, Skye. What's the problem?"
"Agent Ward!"
"Y'know, I think I could have guessed that."
"Ward and his constantly changing mind!"
"… really? That's funny, because 'dynamic' isn't usually one of your Ward complaints."
"Well it is today!"
"Do tell. Did he cancel Tater Tot Tuesday?"
"YES! And he's making me play one of his stupid board games instead!"
"Hmm. I was actually looking forward to the tater tots."
"It's not about the tater tots, Coulson! He's switching the game!"
"Uhhh… you lost me, Skye."
"We have a schedule. A strict schedule for his board game obsession! Look!"
"Oh, hey, he printed it out for you and everything."
"I know, how dumb is that? I didn't even know we had a printer on the Bus. Like he couldn't just send a Google Calendar invite, right? But look! It was supposed to be Munchkin!"
"Uhh, yeah. Yep, you're right. Munchkin. Whatever…. that is."
"It's a card game, he says. And you know what happened? We sit down, he looks at the cards, and he SIGHS. And do you know what he says?"
"I can't possibly imagine."
"'We can't play this. It's too cute.'"
"That's a really good Ward impression, you know."
"IT WAS TOO CUTE. Agent Grant Ward of SHIELD said it was too cute! Then he put it away!"
"A tragic tale, Skye. But why…."
"Oh, I haven't even told you the worst part yet, AC. He goes over to his nerd cupboard and pulls out a new game. And it's called Arkham Horror. Can you believe it? Horror. It's like…the total opposite of cute. Now my SO is making me play a horror game."
"Sometimes I wonder if Ward went to SHIELD Academy or a Games Workshop…."
"I know, right? And he tells me that not only is this a horror game or whatever, but that it's super hard to win! So what's the point, then? I don't get it!"
"Ah, well, the unwinnable scenario is actually a valid teaching point, Skye…"
"Okay, please don't Kobayashi Maru all over me too, AC. And by the way, when I said that to Ward, he just looked at me like I was crazy or something…"
"I can't possibly imagine that, either."
"…. it's like he's never seen Star Trek. And then, while he's giving me that look, the rage face one, May comes in."
"Uh oh."
"Exactly. And she looks at him, and he looks at her, and they both have the face now. And she says 'she's your rookie' and walks away!"
"Wow."
"Cold, right? Damn! It's like I told Ward, May would be so much more reasonable if she'd just sleep with someone."
"You told him what?"
"That she just needs to get laid! So does he, frankly."
"Whoa, Skye, isn't that a little… rude?"
"Rude or crude?"
"Umm… hmm. I'm not…."
"S'cool, that happens to me too. I'm never sure of the difference either. It's like, everything crude is rude, but not everything rude is crude, right?"
"I guess so. But what I'm saying is actually…."
"We need a Venn diagram, that's what we need here. Gimme that notepad, would you? OH MAN! And we can add 'lewd' as well! Because lewd is crude but not always rude…. or is it?"
"Skye….."
"I'll be honest. I just want lewd on the chart because I always prefer three items on a Venn diagram. It looks like a lucky cloverleaf that way! Hey, do you like St. Patrick's Day? Me, I love it, I always do the green beer thing but I had to stop wearing the 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' shirts after this one guy in Baltimore…."
"SKYE!"
"…. what's up, AC?"
"That's what I'm trying to find out. What exactly do you want me to do here? Force Agent Ward to play the cute card game?"
"Oh. Uhh… well… I… I hadn't really thought about…"
"Skye."
"… yeah?"
"Go play the scary game."
"Awwwww! But Daaaaaad…."
"Listen to me, I'm not finished. Go play the scary game, and then when you die, or lose, or whatever it is, you tell Ward he has to make you popcorn and a milkshake, and watch a Disney movie with you. Because you played his scary horror game."
"…... that is genius."
"Yeah, you see? You've gotta look beyond the strategy lessons Ward is trying to teach you with his board games."
"Damn, AC. If I was gonna take you for a schemer, I'd say you're implying that I have something to teach the robot."
"If I was a schemer."
"Mmmhmm. Riiiiight. Well. I guess I have a scary game to play with my SO, then."
"Indeed. And while you're down there, you tell him that Tater Tot Tuesday is a level 8 directive. I want mine with salsa."
"You got it, sir."