IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR...AGAIN by Kondoru.
Standard Disclaimers.
Thanks to Pidgey for Betaing.
This year, in the desolate shopping precinct, there is a Santa's grotto. At least it has a big red graffitied sign outside saying SANTAS GROTTO, in case you weren't sure.
In the dimly lit interior. (Hung with those malfunctioning fairy lights, broken glass baubles and sad tinsel. Wasn't Decorations so much more, erm, nostalgic, in my youth, dear readers?) Santa sits on a big wooden chair.
By him is a fake tree with equally fake presents. (Ah! don't you love Christmas, eh? This is what Christmas means to me.)
Santa is a scrawny little robot with white hair and blue eyes. He wears moulting reindeer skin robes and an obviously false beard made from Tibetan yaks tails.
He looks like he would much rather be somewhere else. Like in a scrapyard.
Behind him were Duke and Dodge, two heavy class battle bots.
They are there to keep out troublemakers. (For some unreasonable people must make trouble at Christmas.)
They are looking really unhappy due to the festive bobble hats they are being made to wear.
Duke and Dodge intend making trouble. And yet they haven't got a plan.
Still, if Casshern shows up...A Plan won't be needed.
First visitor is a tall red robot with long shaggy grey hair.
And curves.
Lots of curves.
She looks like a classic sports car, she is so curvy.
She plonked her russet clad behind down on Santa's thin lap and promptly began nudging him in the face with her gigantic bosom.
Santa quails under this blatantly sexual assault.
Red lady whispers something in his ear. Santa blushes.
"A Baby names book?" He asked, perplexed.
She nods, "yes, otherwise my offspring will end up named after 60s British pop stars..."
"Oh," says Santa. He pauses. "You are a robot, you know."
The Aspirant Mother punches him one.
My! Here comes the Worlds Last Respectable Citizen.
She's wearing a grey boiler suit and is carrying a huge rusty spanner.
Santa's eyes go wide. It looks like this businesslike personage has got a `job`.
"So what do you want this year? A Government grant? Some shareholders?" Santa sits rubbing his face. He now has a black eye.
"A bell." This person has a look on her face that suggests she is thinking of something else.
"Very festive." Santa whimpers. The woman gives him a salacious hand squeeze and saunters off, (she is very lame.)
Santa turns to his `elves` and says "I get all the ones here, don't I?"
"Next!" Calls Dodge.
Bad luck! It's a human...Santa can smell him from here. It's a ghastly smell.
A grey haired, seedy human sidles in, trying to make himself as unobtrusive as possible; a demeanour perfected after many centuries of oppression by robots.
Mercifully, he does not attempt to sit on Santa's lap, but stands well back, fiddling with his pack. Dodge adjusts his position and the human jumps back.
"And what is your name, little boy?" It's a good thing robots can't be sick. He would have lost his stomach contents.
"Azoz." Says the filthy creature.
"Well, Azoz, you are a brave human to come here."
The human shrugs, he's long got over his fear of robots...Now they are dying.
"And what do you want for Christmas?"
Azoz has no need of thinking. "I want a big dinner and plenty of beer and a woman!"
Santa is thinking `Bugger off to your own country and you'll get that...Don't come looking for it in robot territories. `
But since this is Christmas and he's trying to be nice; he does not say that.
This is A Big one.
"Ooof!" Goes Santa as Braiking Boss settles down on his lap.
Braiking Boss scans around; he is sniffing. "I smell human." He says conversationally. "You don't give presents to `humans`, do you?"
Santa thinks fast. "They get coal. Humans are always naughty."
"Good." Braiking Boss pauses. "I could ask for my Empire back...But I'm kind of getting used to not having it. A lot of hassle it was."
"So what do you want?" Santa asks helpfully. "One of those Nanotech labs the kids are all getting this year?"
Braiking Boss nods his great head. "No, but similar. I'd like all my pet neosapiens back. They ran away some decades back. I haven't seen them since." He peers intently at Santa, who is very grateful for his beard, itchy though it is.
"What do they smell like?" Asks Santa. He's glad of Azoz`s stench masking his own distinctly not regular robot scent.
Braking Boss Sniffs, "Hard to describe. They certainly don't smell of robot or human! You would know if you did." He gets up and saunters out. "See you around."
Santa gives a big sigh.
This new robot is a girl with pink hair and green eyes. Though she's dirty and smelling of ruin, she still seems pretty much intact.
"Santa, eh?" She says in a manner nothing short of belligerently. She plonks her arse down on his lap. There is a slight creaking of joints, -she isn't as healthy as she appears.
"And what do you want for Xmas?" He asked weakly.
She gave an arch smile "I want Casshern to kill all by myself."
Santa sits bolt upright. "Duke! Dodge! Throw her out!" He's not going to be festive for this one.
The battle bots grab the girl by her hoody and bung her out the door. There is a crash and some unladylike swearing.
Santa sighs with relief.
At last! Someone who is smaller than Santa! He is sick of having three tonne battle bots on his lap.
This is a small white haired girl in a scruffy dress. Santa sniffs. Smell of Ruin, but it's superficial. She is intact...and has picked up the smell of Ruin from others.
Santa is envious. His Ruin is paining him.
"Anything you would like?" He asks in his nicest tone.
She shook her head. "I don't know, this is the first time I have had a Christmas, I didn't know it involved presents."
Santa smiled "Christmas is for giving, and receiving too," he added hastily, so as to not impart the wrong impression.
The little girl shrugged. "I'm pretty well off, I think. But there is one thing." She leans down to whisper. "I'd like to know where my mummy and daddy are."
Santa's eyes went wide. "Mummy and daddy? But you don't look like a human to me! You're one of us robots."
She nods. "Yes, I'm a `very special` robot. I was born and not made in a factory like everyone else. So I must have a mummy and Daddy somewhere…"
"Did you have a good time?" Leda asks when her mate comes in.
"Oh yes! A dozen heavy class battle bots sat on my lap, all asking for weapons upgrades. I had a good time, yes!" Dio threw down the beard and his robe.
"I'm glad you made them happy. There's not a lot of happiness in the world these days." Leda said.
"The things I do for this wretched armed mob of yours!" snarls Dio. "I'm sick of them! I'm pretty sure `some` of those robots aren't in your gang, anyway."
"`Dios Army`, dear" Leda corrected absently.
"Leda's Gang." corrects Dio.
Leda shakes her head, long grey hair swishing about "I formed that army for `you` my dear." She snarls.
"Whatever. You gathered them; you pander to their grotty whims. I'm sick of playing Santa Claus."
"See Casshern?" Leda turned the screw.
Dio punched his mate down. "No, I did `not`, and with all those battle bots asking for his flesh, I'm not surprised." He paused. "By the way, we are having a guest over for Christmas."
Leda scrambled to her feet. "No idea you had any friends" She rubbed her cheek. "Who is it? Dune? Braiking Boss?" She paused. "Not Ohji?"
Dio gave an evil grin. "It's a girl"
Leda slumped. "Don't tell me, you invited Luna!"
"No." Dio sat down. "Not Luna."
"Not Sophita...please, nor Janice...When will she learn to sing in a civilised language, anyhow?"
Dio shook his head. He had got Leda a recording of `Janice's carols` and was sure she would not appreciate it. "It's only a little girl."
"`Little` girl?" Ledas head went up.
"She's called Ringo...You know, like in the Beatles?"
Leda gives a nasty grunt.
"She's a Neo like us." Dio paused. "I think she may be our offspring." Dio could turn the screw too.
Leda went pale.
Dio gave one of his Casshern trouncing smiles. Well he knew that the subject of reproduction was a sore point with Leda.
Leda was no longer capable of it. Her nanoreplicator forming units were only ticking over, enough to heal any injury she might suffer, but that was all.
"She seems fairly sane...I hardly think that she's anything to do with that maniac, do you?"
Leda shook her head. "Nanotech labs can be set up easily...She could have been made in any number of them."
Dio rubbed his face, smiling all the more. "She has you're eyes, my dear."
Leda was bristling. It was clear his mate was losing her temper rapidly. "Don't you dare bring in some brat."
Dio began to chuckle. "Jealous! I like that!"
"I don't like this!" Leda shouted.
"And you're going to be nice or I'll kick your teeth down your throat, ok?" Dio replied quietly.
Leda is taken aback. Its not often Dio speaks to her in such a disrespectful fashion.
"I could go and spend the holiday with Casshern...Make him more miserable than he is." Dio smiled. He was good at tormenting his arch rival...And best enemy.
Though really he knew that the worst thing he could do to the white clad killing machine was compete with him for Ringos affections. The little girl had not told him who she lived with these days...But he had enough reports to show him that she was with Casshern...When he was sane.
"Anyhow, isn't this what Christmas is about? It's for the kids really." Dio got up and walked to the window. "I for one want to make someone happy..."
Casshern squats in a heap of rust, ash and his own misery. He is having a good angst.
But some people like to be miserable at Christmas. Best we leave him to it.