Disclaimer: I am sad to say that neither Gundam Wing or it's characters belong to me in any way, shape or form. I'm not making any money off of this fic, and suing me would be a waste of your valuable time, as I have no money. ^_^
The song Angel belongs to Sarah McLachlan.
WARNING: This fic contains mild shounen-ai themes. Meaning that it contains hints of a relationship between two men. And I ain't talkin' friendship, boys and girls. This is also a deathfic. Meaning the one of the main characters is going to die. If that's not your cup of tea, then I highly suggest hitting the back button on your browser now. Thank you, and have a nice day. ^_^
~*~Angel~*~
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
Heero slowly opened the door to his room and stuck his head inside, looking around. No Duo. He stepped into the room the rest of the way, absently shutting the door behind, mind elsewhere. Pulling off his tank top, he tossed it carelessly to the floor and made his way to the bathroom. Quickly stripping off the rest of his clothing, he turned on the shower and slipped into it's warm embrace.
There's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
It was hard. It was so damned hard. He was a soldier without a war... lost. There were no more missions, no more fighting. His war was gone, and when it left, those clean cut lines that defined who and what he was were blurred beyond recognition. Being that soldier was everything. And now that the war was gone, what else did he have?
Heero sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He simply no longer knew what to do with himself. He no longer had a purpose. No reason to exist. Life was not life. It was simply existing.
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
Resting his forehead against the cool tile, he let the memories wash over him. Countless battles flashed through his mind, and fewer, but far more precious, were the memories of more quiet times. A hidden waterfall stumbled across by accident, the heavy silence of an ancient forest. His favorite memory by far however, was one of Duo.
The American had been leaning against a railing, staring mesmerized at the ocean. The most spectacular sunset Heero had ever seen painted the ocean a myriad of colors and bathed Duo in orange glow, while the breeze caused his braid to sway gently. Then those deep violet eyes, eyes that had stared so intently at the ocean, focused on him....
Let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
Heero shook his head, the memory affecting him more then he cared to admit. He finished his shower quickly, wanting only to sleep. Sleep was a release, however small. Turning off the water, he dried himself and went into the bedroom, not bothering to cover himself with a towel. Slipping on a pair of boxers, he slid into bed, waiting for, craving, that much welcomed oblivion.
It was a long time in coming.
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
Darkness. Nothing below, nothing above. Nothing but that terrifying, consuming blackness that closed in on all sides, suffocating him. It crawled in his mouth and down his throat like a living thing, burning everything inside away, leaving Him nothing but a fragile, empty shell. An apparition devoid of life. Something less than human.
Heero woke with a gasp. He sat, breathing heavily and covered in sweat. Another nightmare. He pulled his knees to his chest a rested his head on them, staring out at nothing, shivering violently.
Pathetic. He was utterly pathetic. The perfect soldier reduced to nothing but a scared child, afraid of his dreams, afraid of life. Wandering in a black void with no reason to be. No way to escape.
You are pulled from the wreckage,
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
His mind did not register the click of the door which signaled Duo's return; nor did he hear Duo's questions. He didn't notice the other boy's presence at all until Duo sat down in from of him, waving a hand in front of his face. Heero blinked a couple of times and turned his tear-streaked face toward the American. He distantly felt shame the Duo would see him this way, but at that moment, it didn't really matter. Nothing really mattered anymore.
Violet eyes widened in shock as he noticed the tears, as well as the lost look haunting the other boy's eyes. On an impulse, Duo reached out and drew the Japanese boy into a comforting embrace. Heero stiffened for a moment before burying his head in Duo's shoulder. After a moment Duo felt a warm wetness seeping through his shirt. Tears.
There was something wrong about this. Heero never cried. Always so sure of himself, so strong. He never had reason to. Staring down at Heero, Duo tried to ignore the sharp, telltale fear that pricked at his heart, and held the crying boy tighter.
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
Another night. Duo lay sprawled out on his bed, sleeping peacefully. Heero sighed and leaned back, shutting his eyes. It got harder and harder every day. The perfect soldier that he was raised to be was no longer needed. Without the soldier to sustain him, he was nothing but a frightened and lost little boy. He needed the soldier, needed the war. He'd never expected to live through the war, and the thought of the perfect soldier becoming useless had never occurred to him. Now he was faced with a problem he had never expected to encounter. A problem he couldn't solve.
After the war, he'd been happy, for a while. And then, that feeling had begun to slip insidiously into the back of his mind. That feeling of uselessness, of not belonging. Of being outside of it all. A he had no way to stop it. It was consuming him.
The storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
Heero stood up and walked over to the window, sleep eluding him. A storm raged outside that reminded him so much of the storm that raged in his own soul. He rested his hands against the window, reveling in the feeling of cold glass against his skin.
Tears burned painfully, threatening to spill. Heero screwed his eyes shut, taking a shuddering breath. Why? Why was he crying? "It hurts," he whispered to the silent room. Why couldn't he leave the soldier behind and just...live? Because I am the soldier, he thought, I forgot how to live when I abandoned the child and became the killer.
It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
Lightning flashed, causing the room to brighten for a moment. Something on the dresser caught Heero's eye. He walked over, picking up the object. His gun. He turned it over in his hands, the weapon gleaming dully in the low light. Staring at it intently, he came to a decision.
So simple. So very, very simple. Heero wondered why he had never thought of it before. Why suffer when escape was there, so close at hand.
Closing his eyes, Heero took a deep breath, raising the weapon to his head. He would finally be free.
"I'm sorry Duo."
In this sweet madness
oh, this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees
Duo woke with a start, instinct telling him that something was wrong. Then he saw Heero. The Japanese boy stood with his eyes closed, gun pressed lightly against his temple. "Heero! Don't!" he shouted, scrambling out of bed.
Heero's eyes snapped open, startled. He blinked slowly, regarding Duo coolly. "Do not try to stop me Duo," he said quietly.
The braided boy stared at Heero with wide, frightened eyes. "Heero..."
Heero sighed, letting his arm fall to his side. Closing the short distance between Duo and himself, he reached up to touch other boy's shoulder. "I have to do this."
Duo shook his head sharply, voice quavering when he spoke. "No, you don't. Killing yourself is never an answer."
Closing his eyes, Heero couldn't help but smile, just a little. "You don't understand. There is no answer. Death is only an escape."
Duo searched his mind frantically for an argument. "Suicide is the coward's way out," His eyes bored into Heero's, as if he were trying to look into his soul. "You aren't a coward Heero."
Cobalt eyes glimmered with unshed tears. "Death is the only escape from my prison. You can't possibly understand how it feels to be so..." he paused, as if trying to find the right word. "Lost." Duo could tell that the admission of weakness cost Heero a great deal.
In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this cold, dark hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
Duo reached out and drew Heero into a fierce hug. "Then tell me," he whispered, "Help me understand."
Pulling back slightly, Heero gently brushed his fingers over Duo's cheek. Bright violet eyes glimmered with tears. Duo blinked, causing a single tear to slide down his cheek and over Heero's fingers, leaving a damp trail in its wake.
"Duo..." Heero sighed, "Don't cry for me. Smile...please? I don't want my last memory of you to be a sad one."
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
Duo stared at him. Realizing that nothing he could say would deter Heero from the path he had chosen, he took a shuddering breath and smiled sadly, causing another tear to fall.
"You believe in God, don't you Duo?" Heero asked quietly, "If you do, then you have no reason to be sad. If your God does exist, then pray. Pray to him that we'll see each other again. Because we will. I'm not sure where, or when, but it will happen."
He sighed, "I just…can't stay here any longer. It would destroy me as surely as my own gun."
Heero reached up and brushed a stray strand of hair out of the American's face. Leaning in close, he kissed the other boy gently, a feather light caress. He pulled back slightly, their lips nearly touching, and whispered, "Look for me in the sunset. In the ocean. In everything you love. I'll be there."
With that he turned away, raised the gun, and pulled the trigger, a single crystalline tear sliding down his face.
You're in the arms of the angel
Duo stared in a kind of numb horror as Heero collapsed. All the life, everything that made him Heero was gone from the cobalt eyes. They were empty now. Like glass. He stared, not really seeing the dark pool of blood that began to stain the carpet. Dead. Heero was dead.
Slowly, Duo knelt by Heero's side, thoughts refusing to work in any sort of proper order. He could only think of one thing, one horrible thought kept swirling around in his mind like a terrible tempest.
Ignoring the blood seeping into his pants, Duo gathered Heero's lifeless body to his chest, holding him tightly, and wept.
"No, Heero…" The whispered words echoed loud in the quiet room, "Didn't…you know?" His voice cracked. "Suicides, they…they don't go to Heaven…."
And the rain continued to fall.
May you find some comfort here