What Might've Been
Disclaimer: Trigun belongs to those who legally own them! . The lyrics are from Little Texas.
Author's Note: This is my second Trigun fic, and again, this is set to the lyrics of a song. I do have my own ideas; it's just that for starting in a genre I'll stick to lyrics ;) Anyway, I hope you enjoy! OOHHHH and my (ex)roommate asked me why I couldn't write something…better. .;; you'll see what she meant.
Meryl Stryfe would have dropped the beer filled mug except for the fact that the cost would have come out of her paycheck. But regardless of paycheck, her jaw dropped. Her eyes enlarge in surprise at the image in front of her.
There he stood in the doorway of the old bar. His red jacket gone but the rest of him looked exactly the same. From the top of his broom like hairstyle to the steel-toed, sand caked boots that were probably as old as he was. She couldn't do anything but stare at the blond as he stared down at her.
"Hey, insurance girl." He whispered with a sheepish smile.
"Meryl!" The fat chef yelled from the small cut out that allowed him to see into the dining area. "Get back to work or I'll dock ya!"
The threat of having money cut from her paycheck jump-started her feet but her brain was frozen cold in shock. The hostess came running up to the man as Meryl delivered the mug to the proper table. The petite woman felt his aqua colored eyes follow her around the sitting area.
"I want to sit where she is serving." He said cheerfully to Kara, the seating hostess. She willingly complied and sat him in the back corner, near the window.
Years, Meryl thought, it had been years without a word from him and he came out of no where on a Tuesday evening. What was she going to say to him? What would he say to her? Would they even acknowledge one another as anything---?
"Welcome to Derrick's Bar." The clipped way the words came out of her mouth wasn't exactly what she wanted to say or the way she wanted to say it. "I'm Meryl, I'll be your waitress."
"I'm Vash." He smiled in his normal naive and innocent way. "I'll be your customer."
She would have smiled, laughed or pretended to be amused but her heart was still chilled. Meryl wasn't sure what to do, or to say, so auto-pilot took over and she spook her normal serving lines.
Meryl handed him a menu and for the briefest of seconds, she felt his hand brush against hers. Something in her heart tripped over a wire and felt a vibration that she hadn't felt since---since---he left.
"Would you like to start off with a drink?" She asked, her voice was still clipped but softer this time.
"Beer." Came a cheerful reply and a grin.
Nodding, the woman left and brought him back his requested order. "Is there something you'd like?"
He smiled that secretive smile Vash rarely used but it was one she had seen before. It was the same smile that haunted her dreams, though they were pleasant dreams, it was still haunting to see some one you couldn't have in your waking hours.
"It's been a long time." Vash spoke softly, the smile never edging off his lips.
Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
"To eat, do you want something to eat?" Meryl pushed, not wanting to go down any road that concerned their past at this moment.
"I guess so. What ever the house special is!" She put in the order with the cook and tended to the other tables. On a second thought, she added a special request to the order.
"Are you sure?" The cook asked, chewing on his thick cigar. "This is weird."
"Give the customers what they want." Meryl chirped. As she walked between the tables, feeling his eyes constantly on her, she couldn't help but let her mind wander.
It was going down the same road it always had when it came to Vash. She never took to remembering the many long days under the blazing heat, riding around or walking on aching feet following the famous outlaw. No, her mind didn't think about the long days, instead, she thought about that one night.
Oh, how long ago it seemed but how many memories played over and over again? How many times had she thought about it, recalling his hands, his kiss—everything about that night stuck in her mind.
It was her most precious memory, but it was the one she had to share alone.
For the first few months after his departure, the memories brought her comfort. After Millie left to go back to the insurance headquarters, Meryl stayed. She stayed and had the memories to comfort her. But soon, the cold nights set in and those thoughts couldn't warm her arms or her room.
In time, Meryl learned that the memories brought an element of pain with them. After a year or so, that's all they brought. She also found out that the littlest of things reminded her of him. The little things started to make her think about the possibility of him not coming back.
The petite woman couldn't deal with the hurt that her heart endured every time that thoughts came to the surface, so in time, she'd learned not to think about him.
Whenever Vash did wonder back into her mind, because of some blond man or the smell of doughnuts from the bakery, she quickly squash it. She couldn't stand to always hurt for some one who was more like a phantom than an actual person.
Meryl had learned to live without him or his memory. She had finally moved on, and because of that, she was able to settle into the town she called home. Since there was very little chance of being uprooted by Vash's return, which she eventually gave up on all together, Meryl forced herself to be happy.
She was now a respected member of the small village.
And now he had come back.
Along with him, came all the dreams and possibilities that had left with him.
I've got a good life now, I've moved on
So when you cross my mind
When the order came up she felt some uneasiness set in her stomach. She collected the plate and walked to the back, where Vash sat, and put his order down in front of him.
His grin was back on his face but it quickly dissolved into a look of confusion as one golden eyebrow shot upwards. Sitting alongside the sandwich he ordered was a stack of doughnuts.
"DOUGHNUTS!" Vash exclaimed in his unique childlike way. "What's the reason?" He asked after shoving one of the fried goods into his mouth.
Meryl, not allowing his cute, boyish smile to outwardly effect her, deadpanned a response. "Consider it a welcome back gift." Then she turned on her heels and walked away.
What was he expecting of her? To act like all the years without him never happened?
True, Vash acted like a fool but that didn't mean he really was one. Meryl wasn't too sure on Vash's relationship history besides the unsuccessful attempts of starting one, Rem and herself.
With Rem though, it was more of a surrogate mother relationship and with herself—--most likely a one-night stand meant to comfort her. That was one of many cold truths that Meryl had to swallow over the lonely years.
She hated to think of Vash as a cold-hearted womanizer, but it made her feel better. It was easier than considering that one night as a parting gift of sorts. Maybe it was to make sure she never forgot him, but how could she?
Meryl sighed deeply and rolled her eyes. She would get angry, but when she got angry, things usually ended up broken. If things ended up broken, she'd either be fired or worse, docked in her paycheck.
With that thought, she pushed all her reminiscing, yet again, to the back of her mind. Everything that had happened was in the past. Meryl wasn't the same woman who he had left outside on that porch all those years ago.
I try not to think about what might have been
Because that was then...
It had been hours since she had served him, and yet Vash still sat in the back corner table watching the lazy day slip into a dark night. Meryl had a short break and a lunch break and still he sat there and waited.
What on the suns he was waiting for, Meryl couldn't fathom. But when Trish, her substitute waltzed through the back kitchen doors, the blue haired woman felt the need to clock out and sneak out the same way.
She knew she would have too, except she forgot her cloak on the rack by the entrance. There was no way she was going to walk down the cold and deserted roads by herself without protection of her hidden guns.
Taking a deep breath, she traded her apron for her freedom from work. Meryl had just reached up to grab her outer covering when another hand covered hers. She didn't need to look to know who but it was a reaction to look.
Vash smiled down at her, "Leaving?"
"My shifts over. Trish will be serving you from now on." Meryl replied, snatching her cloak, fastening it and turning to make a quick getaway. She didn't need to be around him too much. The stars only knew what would happen if she was around him too long.
"Then it's a good thing I just paid!" Vash followed his statement with a hearty laugh that caused the entirety of the room to turn towards the dumb blond and blushing woman.
Grabbing his arm and muttering under her breath, Meryl dragged him out of the establishment. She had to show her face in this town again for pity's sake!
"Where are you staying?" She asked once he started to follow her.
"Uhm," He looked down at her sheepishly, "I'm out of money, so I was hoping---"
Meryl sighed, annoyed. Not only does he come thundering back into her life unannounced but now he wanted to be in the same house with her as well?
Not like he hasn't shared your bed before, her mind reminded her. She glared at her mental voice, but Vash jumped back when her eyes narrowed.
"O-of course I'm no stranger to the desert floor!" Vash chuckled nervously. Meryl let out a breath of air in defeat as the broom-head swallowed hard.
"What do you want, Vash?" The same question that she asked on the cliff. She barely remembered his answer because all thoughts soon had fled from her mind at their first kiss.
"To know how you've been, what you've been up to and, you know, friendly stuff like that."
Why didn't he just stab her in the heart? Oh wait, he just did! Friendly? He wanted to be friends. It had to be hint.
"Working." She replied, trying to keep her emotions in check. "Working and waiting."
"Waiting for what?" He asked, like a true moron.
She ground her teeth together. "For what?" Meryl snapped, "What do you think I was waiting for? For you, you idiot!"
"Why?"
She wanted to scream. She wanted to throw something. Instead she glared and stomped down the street.
"It doesn't matter anymore." Meryl muttered under her breath.
"If you say, so." Vash replied, nonchalantly after catching up with the small female.
She shot him a suspicious and curious glance, but refrained from saying anything else. She had to cool down. She couldn't let him effect her again.
"We had a lot of fun back then, didn't we?" Vash shot her the innocent little boy smile he always used when his more childlike emotions shown.
. . . We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Meryl's heart began to melt. Not a good sign. It took a long time for her to fall for him but after that it took so much less for her to turn to goo around him. A simple smile or a look, and her heart would flip flop with joy.
Gah! Why did he always have this power over her? Why did she go from happy to mad to furious then to love sick schoolgirl like woman? Why didn't he notice? Why didn't he ask?
Maybe he didn't know? She snorted at that thought. He had to realize that night meant so much more to her then a one-night fling with a friend.
"Yeah," she smiled weakly, "Fun."
"Is Millie back at the house?"
"She went back to headquarters five years ago." Meryl replied stiffly. "They realized you weren't with us and said to come back."
"And you stayed?" Vash asked, amazement in his tone.
"I'm here aren't I, broomhead?"
"Must have been---lonely."
"After being use to having you two around so long, it wasn't easy to adjust but I did." They weren't walking towards the house, Meryl wasn't sure what would happen once they got to the small framed place. Would he leave? Would he want to spend the night? She wasn't sure what she wanted at the moment. She just needed to keep moving and keep him talking.
If there was one thing Meryl knew, it was that Vash loved to talk. And talk he did, she lost track of time as they reminisced about the past. They turned quiet when Wolfwood's name was mentioned and finally, when they reached the time when he left, her breath caught.
His grin changed into a true smile as he looked down at her. "That was fun."
He hadn't forgotten! Meryl returned his gaze with a sheepish smile of her own. "Yes, it was."
"Those were some good times..."
"Yes, they were." The past was gone, the past was easy to forget and hard to relive. Meryl had to accept that over the years she spent waiting for his blonde head to make an appearance.
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past
"Where is Knives?" It was eating at her silently. That---murderous creature was the one who made Vash leave in the first place. She couldn't help but hope that the man was somewhere locked deep in the belly of a cave with nothing to do and unarmed.
After the atrocities he committed against humanity and especially to Vash, it was only fitting.
But Vash's happy demeanor diminished quickly. "He's gone."
Meryl was speechless, though not sorry to hear it. True, she believed that every living thing should have an equal opportunity to live but still it was a relief. "How?"
"After we---fought, I took him to a village and hid there. But, somehow, someone recognized him." Vash looked away as they came to a complete stop. "I don't know how they did it, or when they did it because I had been gone all day doing one of my odd jobs that paid the rent for Knives and me."
He looked up into the starry sky. Like he use to when he was searching for answers, like she was still lingering in the heavens. "He was shot repeatedly in the head."
The weak, coldness in the way he spoke sent chills down Meryl's spine.
"No one knew who, or at least they all pretended not to." Vash let a shaky breath out, "It was horrible. I couldn't even recognize him because they'd ---"
"I—I'm sorry, Vash." Not for the death of Knives, but only what he meant to Vash. The man lost his brother after working so long and hard to save him, all the efforts were destroyed by a vengeful heart.
"It's one of the reasons I took so long getting back here." He tried to lighten the mood with a simple smile but she knew he was only trying to put another wall between them. He didn't like it when people hurt for him, physically or emotionally. "So besides waitressing, what have you been up to?"
"I've settled down in this town. After Millie helped it get a well, it's really started to prosper." She smiled at the thought of her old friend, and then how many new ones she had made.
It was funny, she mused, Vash was still on the go and she was now settled down.
...And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in...
Late in the night, they stopped.
How they ended up on the cliff, Meryl couldn't remember. It wasn't so important, she thought, the fact was they were there now. He still had that mischievous glint in his eyes. Those eyes that mesmerized her before on this cliff, on a night like this all those years ago.
The night was warmer than it was last time and there wasn't a heavy tension in the air. Once they had both come to realize where their instincts had taken them, they both became silent.
Vash turned his attention to the stars while Meryl watched Vash. She knew it was wrong to want him. After all, that's what got her into the pain she suffered alone with for so long, wasn't it?
But there was always something about love that wasn't able to be explained. One of those things was the unexplained reason why, no matter how much they hurt you or how long they've been away, all it took was a 'hi' and you'd forgive that person in a heartbeat. She didn't want to ignore him, when she first saw him she didn't know what to think. It wasn't until she silently studied his profile that she knew she only wanted to hold him and make him stay with her.
"Vash..." Meryl whispered. She wanted her voice to be strong and sure, but it came out as doubtful as her mind and heart was.
"Hmmm?" The tall blonde answered, turning his attention towards her.
Opening her mouth to say something, she found herself speechless and shut her mouth with a snap. Instead of words, she shook her head and turned away. It wasn't important. There was no need to burden herself or him with her confession or questions.
She turned to look back at the small village she had learned to call home and bit her bottom lip. The small but bright lights dotted the night, proving there was life out there.
Meryl forgot to breathe, forgot to think when a pair of warm arms encircled her waist. She felt her pulse skyrocket when those arms pulled her tightly until her back met his chest. His grip didn't loosen when she finally did remember to inhale and exhale.
He found some way to bury his face in the crook of her neck. The warm breath hitting her neck from Vash made the night seem like it was freezing as goosebumps formed on her arms and the back of her neck. "I've missed you, Meryl."
Tears lined the bottom of her eyes and they were the first thing he saw after he turned her around. His hands were on each side of her hips, and he still held her close to him.
"Vash..." She felt her breath catch again when, without any further waiting, he dipped down quickly and captured her lips. It was soft and warm, shy with undertones of growing passion.
It took a few seconds for Meryl's brain to kick her into thinking again, and when she finally did, it wasn't what she thought it was going to be.
The same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night,
I'm so tempted to stay
She broke the kiss, but not the contact with his body.
"We shouldn't do this." Meryl breathed against his lips, pulling back gently.
His brow furrowed, "Why not?"
"Because it took me years to get over you the last time. I don't think I can do it again, Vash." She pushed him away gently, and stepped back, trying to catch her breath. "I—I---" Meryl swallowed, hard. "I think this should be good-bye."
It was the second hardest thing she ever had to do, to turn and try to walk away from him. The first hardest thing was watching him walk away unsure if he was ever going to come back.
"I can't sit around waiting for you to leave again, I can't go through letting you leave again." Meryl whispered; the tingle of the kiss still touching her lips in a distracting manner. "I couldn't wait around, living my life like that."
"I'm not going to leave again! Promise!" Vash had his goofy grin on and a hand held up in the air, as if swearing to tell the truth in court. Meryl felt her old instinct of anger swamping around her heart again.
"I can't believe you!" She stomped away from him. Her own heartbeat growing louder in her ears. Goosebumps sprung up on the back of her neck as a chill slivered through her body. Sheesh, it was freezing! She turned away from him, hugging herself.
But too much time has gone by
We should just say good-bye
And turn and walk away
"I'm not going to go any where this time." Vash repeated softly.
The words stopped her cold. That wasn't the womanizer, gunslinger man talking. It wasn't his shield speaking to hide himself, it was him. The man hidden behind many layers of emotional armor to protect others from feeling his pain.
She peeked over her shoulder, he was standing there without the goofy grin or the mask of indifference. Vash's eyes looked so pleading, so longing for---something.
"How can I believe you? The first pretty face and you'll be drooling over her!" Meryl's defenses were turning childish, a characteristic of her trying to hide her uneasiness about the situation. "How can I even believe you won't wake up tomorrow and walk away?"
"Because I came back." Vash replied, stepping closer to her. "That should make you believe me at least a little."
He was right. She could punch him in the gut because he was right. He came back, that had to mean something. But why the hell did he take so long coming back?
Yeah, the vicious part of her mind sneered, It means he can leave you again.
the vicious part of her mind sneered,She couldn't let him see how it effected her. With a weak, lopsided smile Meryl turned to him. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"
"What do you mean?"
She became tight lipped. She didn't want to spit out everything that she had bottled up these past few years. He should have been here! He should have come back with his brother! She would have taken the other one in if it meant having Vash back.
He left her and what did he say? Nothing much, that's what.
Meryl closed her eyes and knew she couldn't look at him. All her heart's dreams had a chance of coming true because he was here, but she'd go insane if he left her again.
And try not to think about
What might have been
"Meryl?" Vash put his hand on her shaking shoulder. "You're freezing." He pointed out, grabbing both of her shoulders and turning her around to face him. She refused to let him see her cry.
Her steel blue eyes remained closed. He couldn't come back now! She couldn't tell him everything she had wanted to say for so long. It wasn't fair to either of them! He said he wasn't going to leave, but what if tomorrow he changed his mind?
Meryl couldn't take that kind of risk with her heart again. She felt his hands slide from her shoulders, down her arms and finally off of her completely. Bowing her head, the woman was surprised when she felt a warm cloth wrap around her chilled form.
Snapping her head up, she saw his solemn face as he adjusted his shirt over her form. The white button down shirt was offering a thin layer of protection from the night's sudden chill. He was only wearing a dark blue tank top that hugged his body tightly.
"I didn't meant to hurt you, Meryl." Vash said, his voice nearly trembling with sorrow. "I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't, you weren't here to know." Meryl wanted to kick herself for the quick turn of her tongue but it was too late to do anything about it.
After making sure the shirt was covering her, he kept his hands on her shoulders. Their eyes locked and Meryl felt her resolve start to melt again.
His grip tightened, those beautiful eyes were still pleading, begging for---forgiveness? Was that what he wanted? Was that what he came back for?
"I'm going to be here, though. Cross my heart and hope to die." He gave a weak smile which she reflected slowly.
To hell with heartache, she could either regret taking a chance with him or regret never taking the chance. Placing her hands on either side of his face, she slowly drew his lips to her own.
Before they touched, she made sure their eyes stayed locked as she whispered, "I still love you, Vash." And then shushed whatever his response would have been with a tender kiss.
They pulled back after a few minutes, took a brief study of the other and quickly dove headfirst for each other. The night wasn't so cold when they made their way back to her house. His warmth, strength and presence bleed into her own once again.
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in. . .
Meryl smiled as she felt the first rays of the morning sunshine caressed her cheeks. She stretched, arching her back like a contented cat. There was something about being able to wiggle around in the morning that she just loved.
Sighing blissfully, the woman extended her hand, silently seeking her lover's warm body. Meryl frowned when her hand kept reaching, with no Vash as a reward. That was strange.
Pinching her eyebrows together in her tired state, she spread her fingers apart, trying to absorb any warmth that he might have left. When there wasn't any, panic slammed into her fast pulsing heart. Opening her eyes, she sat straight up in bed, searching for her blonde male.
"Vash?" Meryl called out, her voice was weak and crackly as it always was in the morning. She was hoping to hear him in the bathroom or somewhere. When there was no response, she rolled her eyes. Of course! He was in the kitchen!
Maybe he was trying to make them breakfast and as romantic as that idea was, she liked her kitchen smoke free. She crawled out of bed, found her robe, and wrapped it around her tightly as she walked down stairs.
There wasn't any aromas, mouth watering or fear filling coming up the stairs. Maybe he went to pick up doughnuts? As Meryl peeked into the kitchen she was cheerfully greeted by clean dishes sitting in the drain and her dinning table and chairs.
No Vash.
She was going to kill him if this was some sort of game! Then again, maybe there was a reward when she did find him. That thought brought a smile across her face.
Meryl decided that she should look a bit more appealing to Vash when she located his behind and stood in front of the mirror in the hallway.
Her blue eyes enlarged as she saw the reflection.
She realized then, it was a dream.
There wasn't a twenty something staring back at her, but an old woman. Her blue hair had faded to a grayish-white many years ago. There were wrinkles tracing her face.
She touched her face and felt her eyes threaten tears.
It was always a dream, she told herself. Though it hadn't been that vivid in a long time.
Meryl bit her lip as her heart began to feel the weight of loneliness.
After sixty years, she scolded herself, she should know better.
He only came back to her in her dreams.
...No, we'll never know
What might have been.