Redemption don't live here
Yeah I'm all out of options so save your tears
She said try me, I'm all ears
You can't lose forever if I'm right here.
His back was to her, but she knew. She could tell by the slump of his shoulders and by the way he hung his head. She knew he was struggling with something, and he had been for sometime now.
Maybe if she hadn't been so self involved she would've notice sooner that he was off.
He was quiet. That should have been the her first clue, Adam Ruzek didn't do quiet. He was always the life of a party and quick with a joke to lighten the mood or break up the monotony.
He had been in and out of Voight's office for weeks, the door was always closed and Adam never said much when he'd come out, occasionally Al would join them. The three men would be in the closed office, the door shut and the blinds drawn.
Kevin tried to talk to Adam, but he got nowhere fast. Adam often waved him off and refused to talk.
She witnessed a tense moment between Jay and Adam, she couldn't quite decipher what was going on but it seemed to be Adam doing all the talking. Jay seemed cold and distant, he just shrugged and mumbled something before walking off leaving Adam alone at the bar. He chugged what was left of his drink and stormed out.
That was just a few days ago, the pair seemed to have forged a working relationship but that was it. Voight made sure to play interference for them and they didn't work a case together, they rarely to spoke to each other and when they did speak it was only about the case.
Something Adam had said to her after Voight had ripped into her had stuck with her through all of her troubles with Matt and their subsequent break up. He had mentioned something about having nothing but bad choices and that no matter what you did, you'd end up hating yourself.
He certainly looked as if he was hating himself.
"Hey.." Kim finally announced her presence, "You Okay?"
Adam nodded, "Yeah." He pushed back from the table, taking his half eaten burger with him and tossing it in the trash, "just fine and dandy..." his tone had an edge to it, it was curt and cold.
"Adam..." Kim huffed, "What's going on with you? You're in and out of Voight's office. Are you in trouble? Are you alright? I'm worried."
"Don't be. I'm fine." Adam rinsed his hands off, "I'm good." He ran them roughly down his jeans to dry them off.
"No you're not." She went back at him, she could see the weariness in his eyes and the sag in his shoulders. He looked as if he was buckling under the weight of the burden he was carrying.
Adam laughed and shook his head, "Fuck Kim..We both know you don't care...So please don't pretend you do. I'm fine..just leave it alone. Okay?" She was infuriating. He often felt as if she was jerking him around. She'd pull him in close and he would start to think that they'd finally figure it out only for her to push him away. She was a cat with a toy, his heart being the toy.
She confused the fuck out of him.
Kim bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying, she was a bit surprised at his reaction, he was angry and despite his assurances that he was fine, she knew he was anything but fine.
He brushed past her angrily.
She watched him as he walked off, his head down the entire time. He wasn't okay and she was going to figure out what the hell was going on with him.
He had been the one person she could count on to always have her back, regardless of their relationship status. He worked tirelessly to clear her name when she shot that kid, despite the fact they weren't together. Even after she had broken his heart in court that day, he still had her best interests at heart. He worked his ass off to catch the men who had brutally raped her sister. He had held her while she cried over it, he had been her biggest supporter and she continued to kick dirt in his face.
She tossed Matt in his face and he took it in stride, he was happy for her. She was ashamed at her behavior towards Adam, she continued to seek him out, he was her sounding board after her break up with Matt.
How could she have been so callous towards him?
She'd make it right.
Olinsky was at his desk when she finally found her feet again, "Al. Can I talk to you for a minute?" She asked. They had come along way, when she was first promoted she felt as if he hated her. She chalked it up to her and Adam's failed relationship, he was like a second father to Adam and she figured it was that, then she suspected it was because she was a woman.
She had made quite a few assumptions and they were all wrong, he feared the job would rob her of her soul, he knew how ugly the job could be. He didn't think she could handle it, he too had made an assumption that was wrong.
"Sure." Al pulled the pen from his mouth, "what can I do for you?"
"Can we talk in private. Please?" Kim was filled with nervous energy, she was dreading this conversation, terrified of what she might find out.
He jumped up and led to her Voight's vacant office, "What is it?" He asked once she stepped inside and the door was closed.
"Adam. What's going on with him?" Kim blurted out, "Is he okay? Is he in trouble?"
Al picked up a paper weight off the desk and turned it over in his hands, "Burgess.." he paused choosing his words carefully, "I can't get into it. It's not my story to tell. Shit went down, serious shit. Perhaps you should talk to Ruzek."
"I've tried." She growled, "He says he's fine."
He dropped the paper weight back on the desk, "Have you? Be honest with yourself..have you really tried? Something tells me you haven't, you think you've tried but you didn't really try. You asked and he shut you down and that what is it. Perhaps it's time you did. Perhaps it's time you did for him...what he's always done for you."
"You're scaring me. Is he okay?"
"It's not my intention to scare you. I just think it's time you did for Adam what he has always done for you." Olinsky folded his arms across his chest, "He has never turned his back on you, fuck we all know you've given him plenty of reasons to. He's never done it though, he has always been in your corner. I've never understood it to be honest." Al took a deep breath, "He's a better man then me, that's for damn sure. He could really use a friend right now."
Kim closed her eyes momentarily, she pulled in a long steadying breath, "Is he sick?" She asked, "He looks terrible, like he hasn't slept in ages. He's lost weight."
Al scowled, "He's not sick."
"Gimme something, Al." Kim was exasperated with him, "He's been in and out of this office, Something is going on between him and Halstead. You're keeping something from me. I don't like it."
Al shrugged, "I don't give two shits if you like or not. I'm not gonna sell Ruzek out to you. If you wanna know what's wrong, talk to him. Not me."
He was happy to be home, in the safety of his apartment away from their steely glares. He knew they still had a sliver of distrust where he was concerned and he didn't blame them. He had committed the ultimate sin, he ratted out a brother in blue. He struggled to be in the same room with Olinsky, Voight, and Halstead he had betrayed them and he wasn't sure he could come back from that, he feared he would never be redeemed, he didn't think he deserved it.
The self hatred he felt was indescribable, he couldn't stand to be in his own skin. God forbid he see his reflection in a mirror, he looked at the back of his hand the red jagged scar that ran just beneath his knuckles was a painful reminder. He had put his hand through the mirror in a fit of rage and ended up with five stitches for his effort. Certainly wasn't his finest moment, he seemed to have a string of those under his belt as of late.
He was feeling it from all sides, he had disappointed so many people with his actions, granted he had the best of intentions but the road to hell was paved with good intentions.
He was in his own personal hell.
It was hard to look his sister in the eye when she learned she'd have to face consequences for her DUI, that was rough. She quickly tossed Sammy in his face and how he had let his nephew down.
Rolling up to the silos that night was horrific, the longer they drove the bigger the pit in his stomach. He knew he was made at that point, Olinsky and Voight knew what he had done.
He had looked up to both men, placing them on a pedestal, he aspired to he just half the cop they both were. Sure, they pushed the boundaries a bit, they saw gray when many only saw black or white.
He had disappointed them.
He could see it in Olinsky's eyes that night, it was devastating knowing he let him down. Al had taken a chance on him, had faith in him and Adam fucked him over in the worst way.
He was a fucking rat, he was the worst kind of cop.
It didn't matter that Halstead could explain away his actions that night in the bar. He never should've had to, Adam never should have sold his buddy out.
When Voight glared at him that night, it made Adam's heart race. The moment Voight got in his face he was certain he was a dead man. Adam slammed his eyes shot and waited for it to all end, he wasn't even man enough to look him in the eye.
Adam subconsciously rubbed his jaw. The bruising had faded but the pain lingered, he had a hunch he'd always feel that pain. Voight had clocked him with his forearm knocking him on all fours, he yanked him up by the shirt collar and reamed him out. Olinsky stood back and watched, after a few minutes Al pulled Voight off of him. He stated 'that's enough Hank, that's enough', he didn't see rage in Al's eyes, instead he saw disappointment and that was far worse.
They stood in the freezing cold for hours that night, they came up with a solution and the night ended with an embrace. Voight reminded him of what had become his mantra for the officers in his unit, 'Tell me the truth so I can lie for you', Adam had known that and in hindsight he should've gone to Voight immediately.
He hadn't talked to his sister in the weeks since he told Woods to fuck off, he knew Olinsky had called in a few chits and got the charges lessened, which had taken prison time of the table. She was ordered to see an addiction counselor, pay restitution and perform community service.
Adam was certain he wouldn't be allowed to see Sammy again, that hurt him immensely. Sammy had become such a huge part of his life and he was lost without the kid.
The relationship he had with his sister, was strained at best before all of this. Having chosen his unit over had gone over like a lead balloon.
Not very well.
That was life for Adam Ruzek, one fucked up relationship after the next. It didn't matter if it was platonic, familial, or romantic. They would all crash and burn in the end, and he'd be left alone.
Perhaps it was best that way.
Kim took one last deep breath her hand hovered over the door. She was willing herself to not chicken out, she had to do this. It was long overdue.
He had ignored the text messages and phone calls from his mother he had been doing that for weeks now, he knew she wasn't calling to invite him to Christmas dinner.
Not a snowballs chance in hell, she was furious with him for letting his sister down.
His Pops was never one for celebrating holidays, so here he was alone on Christmas.
Not for the first time, and most definitely not the last time.
His family was as fucked up as they come, when his parent divorced it was ugly and both of his parents played dirty. His mother had gone so far as to call in bomb threats to his father's district. His father wasn't free of blame, he had his buddies in his district harass his ex wife at every turn, wether it be traffic tickets or parking citations.
It was mess.
That wasn't even the worst of it, not by a long shot. Sadly the divorce ruined Adam and his sister's relationship, the siblings ended up choosing sides. Adam sided with his father, and his sister sided with their mother.
For a long time the two didn't talk, but Sammy was born and the iciness between them had thawed a bit and they began to repair their relatives only for it to go off the rails.
It was all a giant clusterfuck now, with even his Pops furious with him, not for the same reasons as his mother though. His Pops didn't seemed to concerned about his daughter, he was pissed that Adam had protected Hank Voight.
That feud was decades old it was intense and the hatred between the two men was palatable, and Adam's decision had fanned the flames.
He had chosen Voight over his sister.
He'd do it again if he had to, the only difference was he would've gone straight to Voight. He never should've played ball with Woods.
The knock startled him, he wasn't expecting anyone. He set his beer on the table, he turned of the cheesiest Christmas movie ever and shuffled to the door. The mere fact he was watching one of those movies made him sick to his stomach. It was just one more thing he couldn't let go of, when he was with Kim it was what they did. Kim was a sucker for those horrible movies, him? Well he was sucker for cuddling up on the couch and dozing off as Kim watched the movie. He'd wake up and Kim would be in tears as the credits rolled, she'd also end up feeling a bit frisky. He'd always get lucky after one of those movies.
He was desperate to surround himself in memories of her, it was bittersweet. He longed for her, to feel her arms wrapped around him once more, her head on his chest as they both slept.
He missed her.
"Adam..." Kim mumbled when he opened the door, "Hello."
Adam was shocked, "Kim." He leant on the door, "What do you want?" He didn't bother with pleasantries, he was feeling a bit buzzed. His heart accelerated at the sight of her, which kicked his self loathing up another notch. He couldn't kick her, he was a weak ass bitch still carrying a torch for the one that got away. He hated the hold she still had on him, the guy who had multiple women throwing themselves at him and he was stuck on her.
"Can I come in?" She held her scarf in her hands, "For just a few minutes? That's all I ask. Please?" She sound so incredibly desperate, she was begging him. This should've been done months ago, she should've done a lot of things. Why did it take her so long to see what was right under her nose?
Why was she so oblivious to it all? Why was she always the last to figure it out?
Adam dropped his head and sighed, "Fine." He muttered as he stepped aside to let her in. He caught faintest whiff of her perfume at it had his knees buckling. That only served to fan the flames of self loathing that lived in his gut. He was still head over fucking heels in love with her, he was a fucking pussy. She had kicked him in the balls numerous times and he kept going back for more. It was pretty fucking pathetic, he had women throwing themselves at him and while he'd taken more than a few home it was just for a quick screw. He refused to allow anyone into his heart again, he couldn't handle having his heart broken again it was more than that though.
He couldn't let anyone else in because Kim had never left.
Kim didn't like the state of Adam's apartment, he'd never be accused of being organized and neat, he was currently living a chaos. Empty fast food containers littered the living room and empty bottles of beer could be found on every surface.
She watched as he sat on the arm of the couch, "I came here.." she stuttered a bit this was a lot harder than she thought it would be. "I want to know what's going on with you, I spoke to Olinsky.."
"What?" Adam jumped up, "Why?" He started pacing, "What did he tell you?"
"Nothing" Kim replied. "Absolute Nothing, but something is wrong." She knew it in her gut something was up with him, and his reaction had confirmed her suspicions. "Clearly there is something to tell though. Talk to me Adam." She resisted the urge to touch him.
He resembled a caged animal, he was agitated. He ran his hands through his hair and clasped them at the back of his head. He looked towards the ceiling and closed his eyes before he spoke.
"It's over. I can't undo do it. Nothing will change by talking about it, I won't talk about it. Not with you. Can't you respect that? Please.." he pleaded with her, "Just leave it alone. Leave me alone."
"No. I won't. You're hurting, I can see it. It's eating away at you. You rarely smile. You don't go out with Kevin and Jay anymore. Kevin is worried.." she was fighting the lump in her throat, desperate to hold it together. He had done this for her, so many times. Times when she didn't deserve his support, but he gave it anyway. That was what she was doing now, wether he liked it or not. She was determined to help him, to pull him from whatever hole in had fallen in to.
Adam groaned, "Kim..." he finally looked her in the eye, "Just let it go."
"No." She stood her ground, "I won't. I can't." She followed him as he went into the small kitchen, "Tell me, Adam."
Fuck she was stubborn, "I don't get the sudden concern for my well being. You've never cared before..." he yanked the fridge open and grabbed a bottle of beer.
"That's not true and you know it!" Kim snapped.
"Bullshit." Adam retorted. He tossed the cap on the counter, he took a long sip, "You don't care..you haven't cared about me in a long time. Maybe never at all."
"Don't." Kim slammed her hand on the counter, sending his unopened mail flying across the counter and on to the floor, "I loved you...with my entire soul. Every fiber of my being loved you..it just wasn't enough."
"Roman was though..wasn't he?" He snarled, "The douchebag wanted in your pants from day one!" Was she really doing this? Was she putting the blame at his feet? "He wanted to fuck you! You let him. You left me! I had no fucking clue why!" He screamed, "You walked away from us and fucked that son of bitch!"He heard the wobble in his voice, the chink in his armor was growing wider by the minute and he hoped to hell she didn't notice it.
"I didn't want to wait for you to grow up! For you to want to be married!" Kim met his fury with her own, "Do you know how much it hurt me when you showed no interest in planning our wedding! You let me postpone it! That broke my heart!" Tears fell from her eyes and she angrily swiped them away.
"Let you?" Adam arched an eyebrow, "You wanted it! I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but even I knew to agree to what the bride wants. You wanted to wait..I agreed. That's on you! I would've married you that day..in that fucking room! Don't blame me for that shit. That was you!"
Kim pressed her fingers to her temple this was going nowhere fast, "I should've have come here.."
Adam tipped his bottle in her direction, "Truest thing you've said since you walked through the door." He took a long pull from his beer.
Kim had turned to leave when she stopped on a dime, "No. I won't leave. Not until I know what's going on with you. Why you're barely talking to Halstead. Why you hide out here all the time. Why you never go to Molly's with us." She folded her arms across her chest.
"No." Adam snapped, "You don't need to know."
"Maybe not." Kim replied, "I want to know. I want to help you. I know you don't believe me but I do care. You forget how well I know you."
Adam hunched over, his frustrations fighting to get out the knot in his chest was tightening the longer he kept his secret. "No!" He yelled, "Just let it go!"
Kim touched his back, "Adam.."
There it was his kryptonite, her hand on his back and set his entire body on fire, her hand on the small of his back was enough to bring him to his knees and weaken his resolve. He couldn't begin to imagine what would happen if he could feel her skin on his.
"Please..don't..." He was weakening.
"I won't walk away, Adam. Don't ask me to. You've never turned your back on me. Even when it was what I deserved. You supported me. You were my shoulder to cry on. Please let me help you, please." She pleaded with him.
Adam pushed off the counter and went to the window, "You'll hate me."
"Never, Adam. Never." Kim reassured him, she could see he was struggling with it, "Talk to me."
Adam looked at the palms of his hands, "I'm a rat."
He watched her face as she processed what he had said, she looked to be in pain as her face scrunched up. It was a knife to his heart seeing her look at him with disdain, "Happy?"
What the fuck was going on? Was this the fucking twilight zone? "What does that even mean? You're not a rat, Adam. You'd never chuck an officer under the bus. I don't understand."
"You're wrong. I did." He set his beer down, "Halstead and that bar fight? The one IA called him in on? That was me. I did that." He grabbed the bottle once more and finished it, "I'm a fucking rat!" He screamed before chucking it across the room. "good ol' Adam Ruzek..is a fucking rat. You happy now?"
Kim was still trembling from his outburst, she was now the one with her face buried in her hands, "This doesn't make sense..I don't understand." She pulled her hands away from her face, "Jay's your friend...why?"
"I'm a piece of shit." Adam told her, "I'm a weak piece of shit. He knew it."
"Who?"
"Woods. He's been after Voight for years. He used me." He explained, "he wanted me to plant a bug.." he sat down on the couch, "I couldn't though. Voight. He has this picture on his desk, of us. It stopped me. I couldn't do it. So I tried to keep Woods off my back, kept telling him I was working on it. He got tired of waiting. I had to give him something. I gave him Halstead. It was crumbs. Something Halstead could talk his way out of..it wasn't enough though. He had me by the balls.." he could feel himself getting worked up again, "Fuck!" He toppled the coffee table sending its contents flying across his small living room.
"Adam!" Kim grabbed at his arms, "Calm down..." he was becoming unhinged right in front of her, he brushed her off of him.
"I fucked it up! I fuck everything up!" Adam screamed, his arms flailing wildly, "I told Woods to fuck off but it was too late..Al..he knew...he knew" he finally lost it, tears poured from his eyes but he ignored them, "I thought I was a dead man..Al? He took me to meet a CI..but it wasn't a CI. It was Voight"
Kim was transfixed, she couldn't believe what he was saying, it didn't make sense. Adam was as loyal as they came often to his detriment.
"You know what?" Adam stopped mid-sentence,"I wanted to die. I wanted Voight to put a bullet in my head" he jammed his index finger into the side of his head, "I wanted him to end it. I hated myself..."
Kim was heartbroken, "Don't say that..don't you dare say that!" She finally touched him, "Don't you dare say that Adam. Do you hear me?" She held his face in her hands, he was broken.
"That's not the worst of it..not by a long shot" Adam pulled away from her and grabbed the photo from a drawer, "I let him down. A little boy.."
Kim felt her heart drop, it was a photo of Adam with an adorable little boy one who looked a lot like Adam, "Adam...is he..." she couldn't bring herself to say it out loud.
"Sammy." Adam smiled through his tears, "He's the coolest kid...and I let him down" Adam tossed the frame across the room the glass shattering when it hit the floor, "Go...just go and leave me alone"
"No! I won't." Kim went to him, she pulled him into arms, "I'm not leaving." She held on aS tightly as she could, his body raked with sobs.
She screamed oh my god
Why don't you just let down your guard
And I said oh my god, I'm just tired of fighting on my own.
She said roll down the windows, yell out loud that you're mad as hell but you won't back down. And You can't stop a river that won't slow down, so just sail.
You're not alone.
"Let go of me.." Adam finally fought against her.
"Stop pretending Adam. You're not okay." Kim was running out of patience.
"I can't let you in..not if you're going to just walk away. I'm not strong enough." Adam told her.
His words left her feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of her "I'm not leaving, Adam. Not this time." She stroked his cheek, "Adam..why? Why did you help Woods? Was he going after your son?"
"Son? Sammy isn't my son. He's my nephew. My sister's kid." Adam wiped his eyes with the heels of his hands, he could see how confused she was, "I've got a sister. She and I stopped talking when our parents divorced. It was an ugly divorce and we fell on opposite sides. She came to me about three months ago..she had yet another DUI, she had Sammy with her. She begged me to help. So I did. I ended up reconnecting a bit with her, mostly Sammy. It's a fucked now. She hates me. Cut me out of Sammy's life. My mother is furious. Pops too. He's pissed for other reasons though, he couldn't give two shits about my sister. He is pissed because I picked Voight over my family, he wouldn't spit on Voight if he was on fire."
"I'm so sorry Adam. I wish I knew." Kim was the one pacing the room, she had no idea Adam had a sister, let alone a nephew. She had planned on marrying him but there was still so much she didn't know.
"I couldn't go to you, Kim. You moved on. I had to do it alone." He went about cleaning up the mess he had made, he gathered the empty fast food containers and tossed them in the garbage, "I tried to handle it..but it blew up in my face."
Kim helped him, she had swept the broken glass into a dust pan an handed it to him, "Where is your sister now?"
Adam shrugged, "Not sure. Al called in a few chits and had the charges lessened but I'm sure she wants nothing to do with me. My mother is furious." He emptied the glass into the garbage can, "It's not all that unusual for her, she's hated me since I sided with my Pops."
"I had no idea" Kim felt like she was finally seeing the big picture, that Adam's issues with marriage weren't because he wasn't ready to get married, he had been the victim of a nasty divorce, one that had destroyed his family.
"I know. It's not something I like to talk about." Adam admitted to her, "I guess you're happy you dodged that bullet huh?"
"Don't say that" Kim grabbed his hand, "Adam..."
I'm waiting for my day to come, when my soul gets saved and the pain goes numb.
She said baby it's okay to run, though I'll run with you if you need someone
She screamed oh my god, why don't you let down your guard.
And I said oh my god, I'm just tired of fighting on my own.
"Why not..its the truth." Adam told her. "It's just the way it is for me. This is how it's supposed to be, I've accepted it."
"You don't mean that. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. Not by a long shot Adam..." Kim grabbed his hips and pulled him closer to her, "Nothing has been the way it supposed to be in a long time."
We don't turn up or just sit down say everything is okay. Well I tell a lie, you tell a lie just to make it through the day. Say something's wrong, say nothing's wrong. I'm just getting in my own way. I hope you don't see it, I hope you don't see it
"What do you mean?" Adam asked, he didn't dare read too much into it.
"Us. Adam, I want us." Kim stood on her toes and grabbed his face in her hands, "I need us to try again. We..." she stopped and corrected herself, "I listened to the wrong people, I let them cloud my judgment. I see that now."
She said rest assured now baby boy. I got it just tune out that other noise go silent, just stay with me, just stay with me. Breathe it in right now, just breathe it in right now.
"Are you serious?" He was terrified but for the first time in a long time he felt at peace. He moved his hands to her neck, his thumbs running across her cheekbones, "I want this...more than anything..but I'm fucked up. I'm a mess right now. I'm on probation at work...Voight tolerates me, probably because of Al. One more fuck up and I'm stuck patrolling the Mag mile"
"Adam..you're what makes sense. Everything made sense when I was with you..I've spent a lot of time chasing what's always been right under my nose." She stood on her toes a placed a light kiss on his lips, "You."
Adam wasted no time in pulling her in for another kiss, one that took their breath away and left them both wanting more, so much more.
Roll down the windows and yell out loud that you're mad as hell and you won't back down, you can't stop a river that won't slow down, so just sail.
You're not alone.
Well, this little one shot came to me after listening to the song Redemption by Skrizzly Adams. It's a great song and one of my favorites, it didn't really hit me to use it as a Burzek song until Adam was pressured into being a rat to protect his sister. Here's my little spin on the fall finale.