Can you feel my world?
-
He scratches the floorboards idly, and wonders why he's still here. Why he's still here, without the tenth. It seems like such an impossible idea, he's never been without the tenth before. He's not worthy, to bear the name 'right hand man'. He's not worthy to be a mafioso who can't even protect his boss. And he's not worthy to be called the tenth's friend, much less an important person.
Gokudera's chest heaves painfully, and he wonders again how he's still alive if he feels so dead.
The door cracks open, a sliver of light crawling into this otherwise pitch black room. Gokudera likes it dark because if it wasn't then he'd be able to see all the memorabilia dedicated to the tenth. His pictures and his gifts and all the things he'd forgotten in this room. Gokudera keeps everything the tenth leaves behind. If he could see all of this he didn't think he'd be able to hold back the emotions threatening to spill from the black hole where his heart used to be (it died with the tenth, you know).
He turns to the girl with puffy red eyes and a tearstained face.
"Gokudera-kun?" She asks, smiling despite the streaks on her cheeks though it's eerily empty. "Do you know where Tsu-kun went?"
Gokudera's expression does not change, though his gut twists, as he prepares the words that come out of his mouth.
"The tenth… the tenth is… dead." He says with difficulty. His tongue feels foreign in his mouth, flopping around in his mouth lazily. It's as if he's trying to say something that just doesn't exist. Words that sound empty even to him. If only this was a lie. If only it was just a routine, and nothing else. No matter how many times he says this, it doesn't make the truth any harder to tell, any harder to believe. Kyoko's eyes widen a fraction, and she gives a shaky laugh.
"Is that a joke? It's not funny." She smiles. "Please tell me…"
"He's dead." Gokudera replies stiffly. She stops short, eyes full of confusion. "He's dead, Sasagawa."
"I don't understand." She says, but he knows that in a minute everything will make sense. In a minute there will be the plain truth amidst the confusion. In a minute there will be the tenth's cold, motionless body, the dried blood cracking over the holes in his chest. Holes Gokudera wishes he could erase. In a minute there will be cries and choking sobs and stock-still forms. In a minute there will be disbelief, and the burning anger and pain and sadness that just doesn't go away. In a minute there will be coffins and flowers and tears that never stop flowing. They could cry for a million years and still have tears to spare for this man.
Gokudera knows this, expects this, but can never stop the rush of pain that comes with. He is through crying, because the tenth wouldn't have wanted him to. But he wants the tenth back. So bad. He wants him back so bad. Kyoko's fingers find their way to her cheeks.
"Is this why I'm crying?" She wonders, as her legs give away. And Gokudera catches her, wishing that there was someone to catch him. "Is this why I'm crying?" She quivers, and her eyes are the size of saucepans, glazed over, an eternal abyss of darkness. Eyes that used to bring warmth are no more. "Don't lie to me, Gokudera-kun. Tell me where Tsu-kun is. Where is Tsu-kun?"
Gokudera doesn't reply, doesn't even wince as his cheek stings from Kyoko's slap.
"Tell me where he is!" She shrieks, grabbing his collar.
Kyoko doesn't remember because she doesn't want to. She doesn't remember, because it's too hard and it hurts too much. And Gokudera wishes that he could be just like her, wishes he could forget the image of the tenth's still body that is forever embedded into his mind. She's not the only one who lost their most important person. The tenth was great and he'd always be great, he was the most wonderful person to have ever existed. So why—why...?
Kyoko cries every night, but she doesn't know why. Kyoko doesn't remember. She doesn't remember what was so sad, and why she was crying, bit her happiness was what the tenth was always fighting for, wasn't it? So maybe this is okay, if she forgets. Maybe this is okay.
"He's gone away." Gokudera whispers, and she stops tugging. (If only this were the truth. If only the tenth was on a vacation and he would be back the next day, beaming with smiles and life. Life without the tenth is filled with if-only's. Gokudera wishes it wasn't true, he wishes so hard.)
"O-oh." She stammers, slowly rising with shaky feet. "Oh." She says, but doesn't fully understand. How could she?
Thank you, Gokudera-kun.
He wonders if the tenth would have been proud of him. He has always known that Kyoko was the one the tenth was fighting for, he has always known that no matter what the tenth says, Kyoko was always the one that came first. He has always known this, but that doesn't mean he has always been happy with this. But the extent of Gokudera's admiration, his love, makes it possible for him to smile every time the tenth expresses his gratitude. Every time the tenth is happy, because of something he did. If he closes his eyes then maybe he can pretend that it's because of him, and not Kyoko.
An unbearable silence hangs in the air. Kyoko turns and leaves without a word, snapping the door shut and once again he is left in the darkness with broken heartstrings that can't be mended. Gokudera slowly returns to scratching the floorboards.
a/n; title IS a song title. :)
uh, wow, i liked the idea, but i hate this story. immensely. i don't even know why. gfuadsgla. i screwed up kyoko and i dont think gokudera is very IC. and what i was trying to achieve i dont know if i did.
you know, i actually dont mind 27K much. but then 59 would be lonely. hehe.