Authors Note:
Oh, God, this is so stupid. Please do not take this seriously. It's a parody. It's for fun. But it's very, very stupid. Be warned. I hope you like it. Please review!
(The Hogwarts Express chugged along merrily as its inhabitants played several games of Exploding Snap, talked and laughed about their previous summer. Three people in particular sat in one compartment laughing and talking. Sadly, these three people were naturally and incurably dim, so that resulted in them not talking about too much)
HERMIONE: You know, I think this year I'm going to be a completely different person. I will have a character change. I will fall in love with a bloke from Slytherin. I will start shaving my legs, and armpits. I will no longer have a lady-stache on my upper lip. Oh, yes, and I think Ron will have one too.
RON: Really? What will I do?
HERMIONE: You will lose your virginity! And so will Harry.
HARRY: I'm not a virgin!
HERMIONE: Right and I am.
RON: Are you?
HERMIONE: I don't know.
RON: Well, have you had sex?
HERMIONE: What's sex?
HARRY: Dunno. Ron?
RON: It's a word I heard Bill say when he said you want loads of it.
HERMIONE: Perhaps, it's like ice-cream.
(And everyone nodded)
(Suddenly, Ron looked down at his Head Boy badge)
RON: Oh, I'm SO happy I got Head Boy!
(And then Dumbledore realised all the way in his office that Ron could simply NOT be Head Boy since it was a Draco-forward-slash-Hermione fic. So, the badge was magically transferred to Draco's chest in his compartment)
DRACO: Oh, I guess I'm Head Boy, then.
(Back in the stupid people carriage, Ron was crying because his badge was gone)
RON: Oh, woe is me, woe is me! Me is woe! Me is woe!
HERMIONE: Who is this 'woe' person you speak of?
RON: He's probably a special wizard man or something.
HARRY: Oh, right. But why is your badge gone?
(Suddenly, a blond boy turned around who they'd never seen before but listened to anyway)
BLOND BOY: (exasperated) because it's a Draco-forward-slash-Hermione fic, and it would simply NOT work if Ron was Head Boy instead of Draco, because then it wouldn't be a Draco-forward-slash-Hermione fic.
(And everyone said 'ah…' but they still didn't get since they were naturally and incurably dim)
HARRY: So, what is your name?
BLOND BOY: Oh, my name is –
(But suddenly there was loud explosion and they didn't hear what the blond boy said. The blond boy sat there looking at them, smiling, but they just had their just-woke-up-and-don't-know-where-I-am looks on their faces)
HARRY: Sorry, missed that.
BLOND BOY: I'm –
(But then suddenly there was a loud, high-pitched scream that came from somewhere, and everyone still didn't know the blond boy's name)
HARRY: What is your name?
BLOND BOY: My name is –
(But then a loud electric drill went off somewhere, and when Harry went back to ask the blond boy's name again, the blond boy was gone. Even for Harry (who was naturally and incurably dim) did not think it wise to ask a person who wasn't there what his name was, so Harry settled back into his seat)
(Later …)
HERMIONE: Now, this always stumps me. Why did the chicken cross the road?
(Harry and Ron thought about it – it looked like hard work – and finally Ron said)
RON: I've got it! To eat chicken!
HERMIONE: Yes! That must be it!
(And to celebrate they all stood up and began to dance crazily. And then they stopped. And then they sat down. And they tried to figure out how they knew to dance)
(Someone knocks on the carriage door)
DEAN: No one's home!
(But the person on the other side of the door didn't seem to care no one was home and they entered anyway)
HERMIONE: It's Malfoy.
(Harry rolls his eyes)
HARRY: Of course it is, Hermione. You can't have a Draco-forward-slash-Hermione fic without you and Draco in the same room in every chapter. Wow – where did that come from?
RON: Dear Lord, I think Harry's becoming smarter.
DRACO: Think quick … what is latitude and longitude?
(Harry blinks)
HARRY: Two words that start with 'L'?
(Everyone seems to agree with this and they all nod)
DRACO: Hello Hermione.
HERMIONE: Hello Draco.
DRACO: How was your summer?
HERMIONE: Excellent.
DRACO: Oh, hang on – I don't think we're supposed to be civil to each other until Chapter Four.
HERMIONE: Oh – well, shall we insult each other then?
DRACO: Yes … hang on.
(Draco leaves and then comes back several minutes later)
DRACO: Hey, you're a Mudblood!
(Hermione bursts into tears)
HERMIONE: You're a meanie!
(Draco leaves because he can not handle being called a meanie)
(Sometime after later …)
RON: You know I reckon a very unexpected couple will get together this year.
HARRY: Really, who?
RON: People who hate each other. Perhaps it'll be a slash fic!
HERMIONE: Oh, Ron! How could that possibly work?
HARRY: Yeah, I mean which two male characters have hated each other since the beginning and would make a very good slash couple?
(Despite the film clip rolling behind them showing many Harry/Draco scenes the trio get so confused they all faint. When they wake up again …)
RON: Probably Seamus and Crabbe, or something.
(And everyone nodded)
(Sometime after the last time I said 'sometime after later'…)
HERMIONE: Oh, dear Lord! I certainly feel I'm in love with someone.
RON: Really, who?
HERMIONE: Oh, probably someone unexpected or something.
(And everyone from all around the world popped their heads into the carriage windows and nodded)