Yaaay, I am alive! I come bearing a new story that shall forever sit on Fanfiction's cyber shelf until the admins decide that they should purge some stories. XD
But, in all seriousness, there has been some stuff that had happened in the past few months that really threw me for a loop and into a brick wall backed up with titanium. It kind of smacked the fangirl and every other substance that creates my derp out of me. I am slowly getting back up into commission.
Now, with this story, I am trying to put some serious thought into the plot other than 'sex'. I think that was my problem with Jealousy… which I am thinking of dropping into a hole that never ends and throw in some demon hounds to make sure it does not try to crawl out somehow. If you have never read it, just do not. If you have and are reading this (and actually like Jealousy)… please do not kill me and I am sorry. '^
So, since I do not own Kingdom Hearts (and this is a not-so-cleverly disguised disclaimer), continue onward!
¬,¬
It had been a long day at school.
They had started studying about the American Revolution in Social Studies, which had to be the most boring subject in the fourth grade. In P.E., the teachers decided that it would be fun to have them run a mile around the track, which in ninety-something degree heat and being the shortest in your class, running is the best thing ever.
So, after nearly collapsing in the living room after home (still, in ninety-something degree heat), all Roxas wanted to do was to turn to mush on the couch while he watched a re-run of Pokémon. But, he was not able to.
Because Ven had changed the channel.
"I was watching that, you jerk." Roxas grumbled loud enough for his brother to hear as he settled on the couch, remote in hand.
"It wasn't a new episode." Ven bluntly informed him.
"I know that. But, at least it's better than this. What are you watching anyway? Fairy Oddparents?" Roxas snorted "Lame."
"Is not lame. You're lame."
He knew it was stupid to argue over TV shows, but the heat had made him irritable and Ven obviously was not helping.
"I'm not lame! Now change it back!"
"Never!"
At that point, Roxas finally had enough. He tackled Ven to the floor, sitting on his back and shoving his brother's face into the carpet that could have easily been mistaken for sandpaper.
"Owww! Rox, get off, you're hurting me!" He heard Ven whine through the sandpaper-carpet.
"Say you'll change the channel and maybe I'll let you up."
"Roxas Aaron Swanson, let your brother up, now!"
Roxas flinched at the use of his full name and quickly stood up, away from Ven as their mother walked into the living room, disapproving blue eyes on him.
She kneeled down to Ven, who was sitting on the floor with an imprint of the carpet on half of his face and his large blue eyes shimmering with tears.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" she asked sweetly, rubbing his forehead soothingly.
He nodded, and then swiped away a tear with the heel of his palm.
"Crybaby." Roxas mumbled. Their mother turned her head to him.
"Roxas, why are you being mean to your brother?" The question had an edge to it. Even before hearing his side of the story, she chose who was wrong immediately.
She chose her favorite yet again.
Roxas struggled to hide the displeased tone in his voice as he tried to defend himself in vain. "He changed the channel when I was watching something."
"That is no reason to hurt him."
"But, I didn't-"
"No 'but's, Roxas. Now, say sorry."
He sighed, but did as he was told. Ven won again. As usual. "M'sorry." He grumbled begrudgingly, avoiding eye contact.
"S'okay." Ven sniffled, sensing his brother's discontent.
Their mother smiled slightly and ruffled their identically spiked heads. "Good boy, Roxy." Her smile waned, putting on a serious face once more. "But, you're still in trouble. You're grounded for the rest of the week, meaning no TV, no video games, and no going outside to play. Do you understand me?"
Roxas nodded numbly.
"Good. Now, we're going to the store in a few minutes. I don't want you two fighting anymore, okay?" She kissed both of their foreheads, leaving a pale shimmer from her lip gloss on them and stood up.
"Yes, Mom." They chorused.
She smiled and left the room.
Ven turned to face Roxas, wanting to say something, but the words died in his throat as he acknowledged his brother's discontentment once more.
"Rox, I-"
"Save it."
He recoiled, the words seeming to have a physical sting to them. "But-"
"I said shut up!" Roxas barked, making sure he didn't raise his voice too loud. "Why is it that Mom always defends you? When I do something wrong, I understand that it's my fault, but even if you do something wrong, it's still my fault!"
"It's not-"
"No, shut up, Ven!" Roxas exhaled angrily, and then redirected his gaze from the ground directly to him. "I'm tired of Mom choosing you over me every time. You don't even try to stop her."
His voice was even, not the least shaky with anger or any other emotion. There was just a sense of finality in his calmed voice.
"There are so many times that I swear you could get killed and I wouldn't even care because I'm so mad… so, how about we test that, Ven? You're the one who can still go outside. Go jump in front of a car and see if I even flinch."
With that, Roxas bolted to the room he and Ven shared. He walked over to the window and looked down into the street with a little bit of cynical hope that Ven actually would go do it.
He stayed there until his mother called him down and faced the fact that Ven was still there, not even making eye contact.
It was fun to hope, at least…
0^o
Even after two hours, neither Roxas nor Ven spoke to each other, scorn and shock preventing them from speaking.
In the van on the way home, Roxas began to recover from his anger and realize what he had said.
Ven was really bothersome at times, and how their mother seemed to always take Ven's side in a dispute between the two of them made many overwhelming emotions well up inside him, but what he said was too much. Roxas decided that should apologize.
He turned his body toward Ven, but noticed something through the window.
A car. Driving fast. Way too fast. It was going to-
There were sounds of rubber against asphalt, metal against metal, something; everything,breaking. Roxas heard his family- no, he heard his brother screaming.
In panic, he tried to call out to Ven, but just as he opened his mouth, he felt something bash against his skull, and the world quickly became black…
D8
His head hurt… his left arm was screaming in agony… his chest was unusually heavy…
There was something sickeningly warm trickling over his body.
What had happened? Everything was such a blur… The car… that's right… we were…
In a car crash.
Wait! Ven! Where's Ven?
Roxas snapped opened his eyes against the protest of his sub-conscious. What had met him when he awoke was blue; hazy, unfocused blue surrounded by warm, thick crimson.
It was everywhere. Sticking his clothes against his body, staining the upholstery of the car, matted into unruly blonde hair that was very much like his own…
Even through his shock-induced confusion, Roxas automatically understood what lay in front of him.
No… Ven…
His brother was sprawled out across his body, his chest pinned to Roxas's left arm by a large shard of glass… right through Ven's heart…
My god…
He screamed.
|:E
"…xas! Roxas!"
Roxas sat up in his bed, gasping and panting heavily for air. He looked up glassily into concerned blue eyes.
"Baby, what's wrong? You're crying!"
He numbly touched his face, expecting the same red liquid that covered his brother's face to stain his own hand.
However, when he pulled his hand away from his face, Roxas only saw a light sheen of sweat and tears on his palm.
"It was that again, wasn't it." she murmured while she touched her remaining son's left arm gently. It was not a guess. That had happened too often for it to be a guess anymore.
Roxas did not blink, slowly realizing that he was not in the car that was dragged to a scrap heap long ago, nor was he in the hospital bed where he received the official news of his brother's death, but in his own bed.
He looked back to his mother, who he unconsciously claimed was his deceased brother earlier, taking in her heart-broke expression. "…Mom?" He croaked weakly.
She smiled sadly, relieved that he finally separated from that terrible memory. "Hi, baby."
"What time is it?" he reflectively asked, taking in his mother's bedraggled hair and crumpled nightgown.
"Too early."
"M'sorry." Roxas ducked his head in apology.
She shook her head and pulled him into a hug. "No, don't apologize, Roxy. It's not your fault…"
It's not your fault. The words that he tried so desperately to cling to for the past seven years. They were always said as a comfort device for him whenever that happened. But, the more they were said; the more he tried to believe them, the more he doubted them and encouraged the grief and guilt to swallow him even further.
He always tried to believe the words. The same question would appear in his mind. Is it really not my fault? He was never convinced.
Still, even then, he was not convinced.
Thus, the grief and guilt took him even further, hungrily waiting for the day when he was completely consumed.
The night had passed uneventfully and painfully. Each and every moment of it, Roxas remained awake, afraid that if he were to try to fall asleep he would be met by his brother's lifeless stare again, telling him what he already believed.
This is your fault. You killed me. You condemned me to death.
Already hearing his brother's voice (really his own) chorus this within his head, Roxas shook his head, as if shaking the voice out would work, and wearily looked at the clock on his nightstand.
6:02 A.M.
He blinked in surprise, but shrugged off the sudden change in time and changed into a casual white button-up, a pair of loose and worn blue jeans, a pair of beat up black and blue sneakers, then swiped up his haphazardly-packed bag on his way out of his room.
"I'm leaving now." Roxas called out as he passed the dining room.
"You're not having breakfast?" he heard his mother ask. He turned around to face her.
"Not hungry."
She got up from the table, abandoning the coffee cup she was nursing in her hands. "Baby, I know you're still upset about… what had happened. Not just the dreams. But, don't be. That expression of yours is far beyond your years. Alright? Now, come on, Roxy, lemme see a smile."
Roxas's face did not change.
"I'm not letting you leave with a scowl like that. Let's see a smiile."
He rolled his eyes, but mustered up a cheesy, half-assed smile in order to please his mother.
"Yay, there it is! There's my happy baby boy!" she cheered as she pulled Roxas into an overly-endearing hug. After what seemed like too long for a hug to last, even between a mother and her son, she let go.
"Now you can go."
"See you after school, Mom." Roxas mumbled through a yawn before walking through the living room and wrenching the front door open.
"Love you, Roxy!" she called out affectionately.
The door shut.
w ~3
Shortly after Ven's death, a few things had changed. Inevitably, Roxas changed with them. He had become more introverted. He just never seemed… completely there.
Naturally, people saw this and tried to help Roxas, tried to reach out to him. But, those who tried too hard inexplicably got hurt… some even died.
The guidance counselor of Roxas's elementary school had been an onlooker the day of the accident and tried to let Roxas talk about it by constantly calling him to his office, seeing that the whole matter was traumatizing the poor boy. Now, he was a very caring, kind old man, but he just didn't seem to understand that there were some things with some people; even in children, that were best left alone.
Even when he was met by a cold stare from such innocent eyes, he only saw a masked cry for help.
Multiple weeks passed. The man was unrelenting in his wish to help Roxas, insisting that if he were to talk about it, talk about his feelings towards his brother and absolutely let him know that he was in a better place, that he would feel more at ease.
But, he was still met with that cold blue stare, reaching down into the very core of himself.
He vaguely related it to the depths of the ocean, how as you fall deeper and deeper into the water, it becomes colder until you are completely numb.
Later, after school had ended and he had completed his work, the man went home to receive an awful surprise: his house had been broken into.
But, how? Why?
He should have called the police. But, his curiosity had ultimately become his tragic flaw.
Wondering what he had lost to the thief, he ventured inside…
He was later found in his dining room- death by blood loss.
A few months later, the Swansons moved. Roxas had assumed with slightly selfish logic that it was because the town now had bad memories attached to it.
His father could not go down that certain street without cringing.
His mother could not file through old things in the attic without finding something of Ven's and immediately dissolving into tears.
So, figuring that the multiple accidents and deaths that had been happening could and would psychologically scar their remaining son, they moved.
But, the damage had already been done. It took a matter of a few years and many reoccurring dreams for Roxas to believe that everything; especially including Ven's death, were entirely his fault.
All from a stare as deep and cold as the ocean and malevolent thought strong enough to become reality.
So, Roxas did not try to make friends at his new school, but instead kept people away with an unwelcoming façade; no one got hurt if they did not get close…
He subconsciously put a hand to his left upper arm, staring through the bus window as he slowly deafened himself with his music.
An unnatural shade of red moved in Roxas's peripheral vision, but he ignored it.
Moments later, someone interrupted the permanent damage to his eardrums by yanking out one of his earbuds harshly.
He whipped his head to pointedly glare at the person, realizing that the red he saw earlier was actually the person's hair.
"What?" he asked curtly to the guy who was still held Roxas's left earbud by the wire.
He did not do so much as cringe or let his words falter under Roxas's glare, but met it with his own acidic green glare. "I said, 'Are you going to move your shit or what'."
"Aren't there any other seats?"
The redhead sneered. "Actually, yeah, there are, but I decided to waste five minutes of my life arguing with a blonde pipsqueak like you."
Roxas rolled his eyes. "I'm so flattered." God, this guy is such an ass.
"You should be. Now, move your shit so I can sit down."
Roxas's gaze toward the redhead hardened.
The bus made an abrupt stop, causing the standing teen to have a painful encounter with the floor, which was the best way to start the morning ever.
Cursing with heavy vigor, he got up, determined to bash Roxas into one of the windows (perhaps the ceiling), but decided against it once he saw that Roxas had relocated his bag to his lap, replaced his earbud back into his ear, and diverted his glare to the window.
Fuck, I have to nearly get a concussion in order to sit down with this prick? The redhead thought angrily as he sat down with a sharp exhale. Who shoved a stick this far up his ass? He snuck a sideward glance towards Roxas, inspecting his body language further. Correction: metal pole. He looks like he thinks he's so badass. Yeah, anyone that wears shit like that to school is a dead giveaway that they can kick your ass in a split second. The redhead laughed inwardly at the humor.
But, really. What gives with this kid? I suppose that I could have a little fun with this…
=^= …)
Hours upon hours droned on as the day passed, with Roxas wanting nothing more than to stab himself in the eye to end the mind-numbing torture that was commonly referred to as school.
But alas, it was only the beginning of his second block, Chemistry.
With his mind as blank as the worksheet that was placed in front of him, Roxas looked up to see someone walk into the classroom. His mind then registered one thought.
Oh, fuck, no, not this ass…
Acidic green eyes lifted away from the teacher as he handed her his schedule and met Roxas's own. He could practically hear the sarcasm in the redhead's seemingly genuine smile.
"All right, class, quiet down for a minute." The teacher spoke up, trying to gain the attention of her class. As everyone in the room quieted, she continued. "We have a student transferring into our class today. This is Axel Rae."
Axel gave a two-fingered salute to the classroom, his eyes still on Roxas.
The teacher looked down to her seating chart. "Now, for your seat… and understand this, Mr. Rae, my seating is absolute. There is no moving whatsoever unless you and the person I seat you with are physically ripping each other's throats out, clear?
"With the usual rant out of the way… you will be seated with Mr. Roxas Swanson. Roxas, raise your hand so Axel knows where to sit."
Roxas mechanically raised his hand, damning every power within existence for his luck.
"All right, then. Surely, this is not a problem, is it?" The teacher stated, turning back to Axel.
His smile morphed into a prominent smirk. "No, ma'am. It's perfect."
Roxas began to wonder how good his aim was as the newly-transferred student made his way up the aisle, towards him.
Once Axel reached the table, he promptly plopped onto the stool next to Roxas and looked at him.
"Missed me?" he all but purred to Roxas.
Roxas merely glared at the table top, marred by chemically-induced burns and graffiti, trying his best not to look Axel in the eye.
He decided then that his brother indeed did blame him for his death and was determined to make Roxas's life a living hell until the day he died…
And Axel decided that he had indeed found a new toy.
^w^
Just few things that I may or may not rant about… you can skip this, but leave a review at the back button, please.
The thing about American History and P.E.~ I hate both with a passion. I barely scrape by in all my history classes and P.E. makes me sweat more than I already do. They can die.
Roxas bashing Fairy Oddparents~ When I was younger, I could deal with it. It made me giggle on multiple occasions (me and my friends still get a kick out of the Phillip the Nickel thing… Phillip! Why did you leave? *sobs uncontrollably*). I say that it went downhill after Poof was born. My opinion. Do not hate.
Roxas's middle name~ I used to get Aaron Carter (a teen pop singer from the late nineties-early new millennium) and Jesse McCartney (also a *used to be* teen pop singer and Roxas's and Ven's voice actor) mixed up. Also, the Aryan race (what Hitler claimed to be pure in World War II- a man or woman with blonde hair and blue eyes) vaguely came to mind when I thought of it.
Ven being killed off~ I love Ven, seriously, I do! And it is not because he looks like Roxas (er… Roxas looks like him, technically…). His personality (which is exactly like Sora's! Aqua had that pinned in Birth by Sleep!) is adorable! Plus, quick attacks for the win! This was not an attack on Ven, so no flames. Axel can deal with only so many until he has to start throwing them back at you. Using a metal garbage can lid never works, it only makes it worse. It was purely for the plot.
Axel's last name~ Rae from Sailor Moon? Sailor Mars? She controlled fire? I was using my otaku abilities in order to be a smart-ass, people.
So, as I was saying earlier. Reviews are awesome and give me inspiration. Constructive reviews make me strive to be better, which makes me type more (I have a laptop now! With limited internet access… but I do have a tendency for preferring typing out fanfiction more than sleep. You do the math. :D).
And if there are some people that are patiently awaiting updates (or are wanting to find out where I live so they can strangle me with my own hair) on any other stories that I have up… the instructions are one paragraph above this one.
Oh, and since I have absolutely no patience when it comes to trying to find a beta, if someone could PM me if they wish to beta this story, I will die a happy fangirl...