"Let's see...Claire? Check. Sherry? Check. Ada? Double check check."
Leon paced in his apartment, Floor 22, checking off a list that he held in his hands. For, you see, Leon was planning on throwing a party. And the first step to throwing an Awesome Party is to check off all the guests that you have sent out invitations to.
"Orange Crush soda? Check. Definitely can't forget that. Twenty large triple deluxe pizzas, half veggie, the other half pepperoni? Check check check check..."
Oh, yeah. And the food. Leon made sure to check off what food he had and what was currently being delivered by an industrious, under-paid pizza delivery person.
Leon suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to get the mail this morning. So, still checking off his list, he left his apartment, stumbled down the stairs to the ground floor, walked outside into Raccoon City, tripped over a dog that was peeing on a bush, remembered that he didn't actually have a mailbox, went back inside, unlocked his mail compartment box thing, got a handful of junk mail and bills from Porno Anonymous Magazine, and went back to his room. He did all of this, and managed to check off everything on his list at the same time.
Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang, and five pizza delivery people were lined up outside his door. Each one demanded a tip.
"Parasitic moochers!" Leon spat as he threw eighty dollars worth in tips at the delivery slaves. He slammed the door, but, unfortunately, one of the pizzas got stuck in the door and splattered all over. Leon groaned, got a Brilliant Idea, and went back downstairs to get (steal) the dog (German Sheppard) that he had tripped over earlier. He brought the pooch back up to his apartment and let it slurp up the pizza mess all over his door and carpet.
Leon put on the music. Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz started to blare, and for the first time Leon was grateful that he was the only one living in this building who was lame enough to not be somewhere doing something significant on a Friday night. No neighbors!
There came the second knock on the door that night. The dog, whom Leon had decided to call Jesus, barked once and then continued to lap up splattered pizza. When Leon opened the door, Chris and Claire Redfield enclosed him in a bear hug.
"Leon old buddy old pal, we missed you!" Chris said while giving Leon a noogie.
"Hey Leon, ZOMBIE!" Claire shouted over Clint Eastwood.
"WHERE?" Our gullible and blonde Leon screeched. He jumped into a wall cabinet and wouldn't have come back out all night if Chris hadn't coaxed him out with a slice of Deluxe pizza.
Thirty minutes later, all the guests had shown up; with the exception of Ada. And that made Leon sad. Ashley tried to cheer him up by doing a rather lewd cheerleader-type dance for him, but that didn't work (the only person it had worked on was Luis). Sherry showed him a picture of a happy zombie with lipstick on (it was real lipstick; Sherry had gotten in trouble later for bringing the lipstick to school) that she had made during Art Time, but that didn't work either. So Krauser got drunk and set his own pants on fire; that had made Leon laugh, until the curtains and the couch had caught on fire, and then Krauser had used Salazar as a rug to beat the fire out.
After the excitement of the fire, Wesker stood wiping soot off of his expensive-looking suit with a rather irritated expression on his finely-chiseled face. "Wonderful. Now, where do you keep the sherri, Leon?"
Leon pointed to a cabinet without saying a thing. He hung his head in remorse. Salazar, beaten and a little ashy-looking, walked by holding his head and groaning a little. He saw Leon's sad expression and patted the agent's hand sympathetically. "Do not worry, Meester Kennedy," he said. "I'm sure your ho will show up soon."
And then, the Ho showed up. When Leon opened the door for her, Agent J by Jolin Tsai miraculously started playing.
"Hello, Leon," Ada said in her sexiest tone.
"SURPRISE BONER!" Krauser shouted from behind Leon.
Yes. That about said it: Surprise Boner. But we'll leave that to your imagination.
By now, everyone had had their fair share of drinks. Besides Sherry, of course; she watched Chowder while everyone else made complete and utter fools of themselves. The dog had had way too much pizza by now, and was puking up a storm of yellow and orange, but no sober person noticed, and that's because there was only one of the latter, and she was watching Schnitzel dance around the screen singing "Radda rada rah".
Twenty minutes later, Leon (drunk) stood (swayed) and watched his party with slightly impaired vision. In the corner, Chris and Ashley were flirting and, um, suddenly groping at each other in a violent porno manner, Wesker and Rebecca Chambers were in the kitchen discarding each other's clothing, and Sherry was safely in Leon's room, watching television in there, away from scenes that could very easily burn out your eyeballs.
For example...
Krauser lay on the floor, talking to Jesus (no, the DOG Jesus). "YOU are one FINE looking furry GIRL," Krauser said loudly. "Oh, you're so FINE..." He lunged forward and tried to kiss the dog. Jesus yelped and bounded away. "WHERE YOU GOING, BABY?" Krauser shouted, getting to his feet. "I WAS JUST GETTING' SHTARTED!" He pursued the dog out the door.
Leon let his eyes wonder over to the couch. The scene there made him jump nearly an entire twelve inches off of the floor. Saddler and Ada were sitting on the couch together. Ada was actually sitting halfway on his lap, and he was playing with a lock of her black hair, twining it around his thick finger. They were speaking to each other in low, seductive tones.
"I've always kind've had a thing for older men," she was saying. "And when you get past the wrinkles and stuff, you're actually pretty hot. Say something in Spanish, big boy."
Ada was obviously very, very drunk.
"Si, Senorita," Saddler said in his deepest tone. "Me gusta mucho tu sabor."
She laughed. "What does that mean?" He whispered in her ear, and she giggled, and began to lean forward...
"FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T COMPLETELY WRONG IN THIS WORLD! NO, ADA! DON'T!"
Ada, irritated, got off of Saddler's lap and glared at Leon. "Leon, don't interfere with my evening..."
"AND HOW FAR IS "THIS EVENING" GOING TO GO?"
Ada sighed, got off the couch, and motioned for Saddler. "C'mon, Osmund; let's get out of this place." Then, to the appalled and shocked Leon: "Leon, you're acting like my father. I feel like I'm seventeen again."
"After tonight, you're going to feel like a whole new woman," Saddler said, loud enough for Leon to hear.
Ada grabbed a bottle of schnapps on her way out with Saddler. Leon was frantic, and he was drunk, which made it even worse. "NO ADA, DON'T!" He shouted. "HE'S OLD! HE PROBABLY HAS AIDS! OR SOME KIND OF DISEASE FROM THE CRETACEOUS PERIOD! YOU DUNNO WHERE HE'S BEEN! ADA! COME BACK HERE, WOMAN!"
"You're never, gonna, get her, that way, Meester Kennnnnndy." Salazar slurred. He had been playing on the ceiling fan, and everyone else had been cheering or trying to hit him with blunt objects. Needless to say they were very disappointed when candy didn't fall from the midget's bruised body. "She's with Lord Shaddler now. You ain't gettin' her back tonight, homie." And then he threw up all over the coffee table, where Jill WAS a Jill Sandwich ™ between the coffee table and Forest's body.
And so, Leon fainted right there among the puke, the sex, the lucidity, and the alcohol.
The next morning, Leon awoke with a splitting headache. He held his head and moaned as he let his eyes roam around his trashed apartment. Everyone else was gone.
After Leon had taken a dozen aspirins or so and had somehow managed to not overdose, he took a shower and cleaned up a bit. After that, he got on his MySpace and checked out Ada's profile. She had posted a new blog, and he read it:
OMG. I just slept with an older man who really knew his stuff. He must have had experience or something, because he taught me a whole bunch of kinky things that I have never even heard of... sooo much better than that loser Leon...OMG I'm such a slut. How much did I have to drink last night? Even so, I still remember almost every detail, enough detail to remember the size of his...OMG like what the hulk's would look like, only not green-
Perhaps it was the lingering effects of his hangover or the incredible wrongness of what he just read; either way, Leon leaned to his right and puked all over his Porno Anonymous magazines. Now, who had gotten those out?
And where was his wallet?
Leon sighed. Well, it looked like it would be a little while until he could buy more porno. Or groceries, for that matter.
- FIN