Life is a Dating Game Show.
AN: This is a pure parody fic. It's based on a British dating game show called "Naked Attraction" which ran from 2016 to present, with 4 seasons (of varying length), and according to Wikipedia, is still in production. The setup for the show as described here, and the presenter, are true to their real counterparts, except that in this fic, it is being filmed in the US, where as in reality it is filmed solely in the UK. The people taking part (in this instance) are not real, obviously. This is a completely AU fic, where none of the LiS characters know each other.
Disclaimer: No money is being made from this fic. It is also not affiliated with the real show's production or distribution companies in any way, shape or form.
Chapter 1: Decisions…Decisions…
Chloe was nervous. Very nervous.
She'd done some crazy stuff during her time on this world, but nothing like this.
And she'd been on the odd blind date before, but again, nothing like this.
She looked around the studio, at the camera crews who were setting up, and at the six boxes, she had a good idea what this was of course. She had to choose from a selection of prospective dates, whittling six down to one.
Chloe liked to think of herself as pretty tough, she'd survived some pretty rough shit, losing her father at the tender age of 14, her mother hooking up to a drill sergeant who seemed to think he was one of her recruits within a year of that, getting mixed up with Frank and his lunatic former BFF Damon...But this Blind Date game show? What had Steph been thinking, signing her up for this?
'I hope mom doesn't ever see this. Thank god this isn't live.'
Chloe hadn't even been told the name of the show, Steph had just filled out an application form online, filled out a bunch of questions about preferences and criteria, then signed Chloe's name, instead of hers. And by the time Chloe had realized what had happened, it was too late.
A few weeks later she'd got the call to drive up to Seattle to the studio. Apparently, this whole shtick was based on a British dating game show that started back in 2016.
At 24, almost 25, Chloe was a successful mechanic, she ran her own workshop out of Arcadia Bay, her best friend, who had accompanied her, Stephanie Gingrich, was a successful tattoo artist, and ran her own little business. Chloe had to admit, she was good, she'd done all of Chloe's after all.
Her mom Joyce had freaked out of course, but that was partly the reason why she'd done it.
Suddenly, the lights went up, and some recorded music started playing, the show's presenter, a woman with long black hair, wearing a grey outfit, stepped forward and spoke to one of the cameras that was focused on her.
"Hello and welcome to Naked Attraction, the dating show that does things in reverse, our contestants chose their dates based purely on physical attraction alone, Out of six potential matches, only one is going on that date, and we start where most dates end. Naked."
'What the hell?!' Chloe thought, eyes going wide as she felt her face start to heat up. 'You're dead meat Steph.'
"Inside each of these colored pods is a naked singleton, each chosen based on physical characteristics which our contestant has said she finds most attractive."
'You are SO dead Steph!'
"From six, our contestant must whittle down her choices based solely on physical attraction alone. Then when she's made her final choice, we'll see if there's chemistry when the clothes go on, and our cameras record their date."
She then turned and came up to Chloe, and smiled.
"Hello, I'm Anna Richardson, I'll be the one guiding you through this."
"Yo, name's Chloe. And this was kinda sprung on me, my friend said she was signing me up for something cool, she didn't tell me about this."
Anna looked slightly surprised, but quickly brushed it off and smiled.
"Well, don't worry, you'll be fine. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a mechanic, just finished my apprenticeship about six months ago, just finished setting up my own shop."
"Oh, nice! I hope things go really well for you, both there and here." Anna said with a smile, then she turned to the boxes, and Chloe got a good look at them.
There were six, arranged in a semi-circle, from left to right: Green, Blue, Red, Yellow, Pink and Orange. Chloe could faintly make out the silhouettes of people standing in them, but couldn't tell if they were male or female.
"Have you dated many partners?" Anna asked. Chloe shrugged.
"Couple of guys, mostly girls, but not many. It seems most don't like the punk vibe I put out." Chloe replied.
"Well, here we're going to change that. So you've had no luck with dating websites and such?"
Chloe shook her head, "Nah, waste of time, and honestly, with my job, I'm too busy to date, but my friend suggested that I need to start trying so…apparently here I am."
Anna nodded, smiling. "Well, hopefully, today, you'll get lucky. Are you ready?"
Chloe swallowed, eyeing the boxes nervously. "Uh, sure let's do this."
Anna smiled then turned to face the boxes, and called out. "Okay! Can we see the bottom half of the bodies please."
Each colored box began to slowly rise, revealing six pairs of legs, and when they stopped at hip level, Chloe Price found herself staring slack jawed and wide eyed, at six naked crotches. Four women, two men.
"Holy shit."
Anna chuckled. "Well, what do you think?"
"Uh…" was Chloe's only response.
"Not seen this many vaginas or penises before?"
"Not for real, no. I honestly don't know where to look. I think my birthday came early this year."
"Well, why don't we start with green?" Anna said as she guided Chloe towards the left most green box, inside there a woman, who was standing, looking rather relaxed, considering she was bare ass naked, and two complete strangers were staring (and a couple of cameras were filming) her bald pussy.
"Don't worry, get in and get a good look at her. What do you think of her feet and legs?"
Chloe hmm'd, looking down at the woman's feet. Her feet looked well manicured, nails neatly trimmed, and in good condition, no varnish. Her legs were well muscled, so she obviously did a lot of walking, they were smooth too, Chloe noted, just like the lips at the top of them.
"She's got a nice pair, nice firm muscles, probably works out a lot or walks a lot."
The Presenter nodded, "Yeah, very nice build, what about her vagina? You like them smooth or trimmed or full bush?"
Chloe shrugged, "I've been with women who were both, though I prefer smooth, it's more hygienic." She took a moment to get a good look. Like the legs and the mound above them, the labia were completely smooth, there was also no hint of inner labia or clitoris, and the way they pressed into the flesh of her thighs gave the classic 'arrow head' look.
"Nice pussy too." Chloe had no idea how she kept a straight face. Sure, it wasn't the first she'd seen, but she usually liked to get to know the girl who owned it first.
"Very tidy isn't she. You're starting to look at bit hungry."
Chloe nodded, not realizing she was licking her lips to catch a spot of drool until she had.
"Uh…Yeah…"
"Let's move along and look at Blue shall we?"
Chloe moved a few steps to the right and found herself looking at one of the men.
'Not the best looking package I've seen…' Chloe thought, but wisely kept her mouth shut.
"Right…" Anna said, "What do you think of Blue? Good legs, well muscled, obviously takes care of himself."
Chloe hummed again, damn Steph for saying Chloe was bi, when her friend knew perfectly well she was a full lesbian now, those bi-curious experiments had been just that. And she'd regretted all of them. Well, she knew which two she'd be eliminating first…
"What about his willy? What do you think?"
Chloe took a moment to scrutinize it, at a guess, it was about 5 to 6 inches, circumcised, but at least he kept it well groomed, she noticed as she eyed the smooth skin above the shaft. Overall, she'd say he was average, not impressive, but probably wasn't a let-down either, he just wouldn't be getting any tonight from her.
She shrugged.
"Well, I've seen worse." She admitted. Sadly she wasn't lying.
"Ok, let's move on." Anna said, seeming to sense Chloe's disinterest.
"Next we have Red. What do you think of her?"
"She looks nice." And she did, well muscled legs, and unlike the first girl, there was varnish on her toe nails. Her vagina was also smooth, though unlike the first woman, there was a little inner lip showing, though that didn't bother Chloe.
"Nicely toned legs, very well muscled, work out a lot do you Red?" Anna asked, the woman gave a thumbs up, Chloe took note of the star tattoo on her left wrist, and what looked like part of a tattoo on one of her calves.
'So, she's got ink, ok, point to her.' Chloe thought.
"What about the fanny? What do you think? She's got a little bit of inner lips showing, doesn't bother you does it?"
Chloe raised an eyebrow. "You DO know what that word means here in the States, right? But yeah, it looks nice, inner lip showing doesn't really bother me, as long as it's clean, and healthy, I'm game."
"So you like some oral do you?" Anna asked. Chloe snorted.
"Who doesn't?"
"You'd be surprised. There are people out there who don't like it. Giving or receiving."
"Well, in my book I have three rules for oral: Keep it Clean. Keep it Healthy. Don't expect to get, if you're not willing to give." Chloe replied. The thumbs up she got from 5 out of the six people in front of her showed most of them agreed with her. The one that didn't, Chloe made a mental note of.
Chloe also noticed something else, Red's thighs didn't come together like the other women's did. Chloe could also tell she had wider hips.
"Ok, what about Yellow?"
Chloe turned to look, taking special note of the woman's legs, clearly she also worked out. "What, are all the women athletes or something?" Chloe thought.
Before long though, her gaze landed where it always seemed to. Like the two previous women, she was smooth shaven, her labia seemed fuller, with no traces of razor burn or stubble, either she waxed or used a hair remover.
"She's got a nice one, hasn't she?" Anna said.
Chloe made a non-committal noise, leaning forward to get a closer look. And again, Chloe found herself idly licking her lips as she took in the details, noting the hood of the woman's clitoris starting to emerge through the lips, as well as their slight darkening, and for a second, Chloe thought she saw moisture on those lips.
'Damn…she's getting turned on, though can't say I blame her.' Chloe would never admit it to a room full of strangers, especially when some of them were holding recording equipment, but getting up close to this many pussies, was also having an effect on her, though she was able to keep a tight lid on it.
"Ooh, looks like she's showing a bit."
"Oh yeah." Chloe replied, finally deciding to be a bit more talkative with her new help, and also let the people in the boxes know what she was thinking.
"Is that the sort of thing that appeals to you? Or do you prefer it tucked away? Or maybe the inner lips showing as well?"
Chloe shrugged, "Not really a fan of the ham sandwich look, but I know every woman is different. A little bit of inner lip is fine with me. And if I can see her clit, I know she's turned on and interested, so that's always a plus. Though usually I don't get to see those this early on." She added with a smile and a wink.
Anna chuckled, "Well, that's the whole point of this Chloe, for you to pick a partner based purely on physical attraction alone. Right, how about Pink?"
Chloe moved over to the pink box, and took note of the slim legs, again well muscled, and the thighs that, like Red's, didn't quite come together, showing she had wider hips than the other two women who didn't. All in all, Chloe had to admit, the woman, hell, all of them, clearly took care of themselves in all the right ways.
Her mound was also a bit more pronounced, with angled her lips a bit more. Again, Chloe found herself licking her lips.
"Ah, looks like Pink has slightly fuller lips, and you can see a small hint of inner lips there as well." Anna commented then looked at Chloe. "Seems to be a running theme with these girls. Not one of 'em has any hair down there."
"Fine by me, like I said, I prefer smooth anyway. Picking it out of your teeth is not fun." Chloe cringed, as did Anna.
"Had some experience with that have you?" she asked. Chloe nodded.
"What about her vagina? Think you could do something with that?"
"Maybe." Chloe replied. She had to admit, it was a nice pussy. Though if she had to be honest with herself, she wouldn't mind having any of the four she'd seen today getting pressed down onto her face. She felt her cheeks warm, and a shiver run through her at the thought.
"Right, final option, Mr Orange."
Chloe took a step over towards the right most box, and frowned. This guy was not a particularly good specimen. The patch of hair round his crotch made her want to roll her eyes, but she didn't. 'Dude, you know what manscaping is? Or ever heard of something called scissors?'
"Right, what do you think of him?" Anna asked.
'You don't wanna know.' Chloe thought, but rather than voice that opinion, she took a look at what he had. There was so much hair she couldn't actually tell how long he was, and secretly, she was hoping he wasn't aroused, and was more of a grower, as, in his current state, he was not impressive at all.
"He's got quite a bush there, probably a grower, balls are fairly large, that means he's healthy. What do you say Chloe?" Anna asked. Chloe mentally snorted.
'Too much hair, it's not trimmed, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say it IS washed, but I'm sorry dude, you have nothing to brag about. Unless you you're a grower. Seriously, you call that a penis? There are four clits in this lineup that are the same size as that thing, at most.'
"Again, not the worst I've seen." Chloe replied. 'But also far from the best. Sorry dude.' She added as an afterthought.
"You ready to make your first choice? Or do ya want to check out the bums?" Anna asked. Chloe shook her head. "Nah, I'm ready." Then she mentally added 'Besides, I can ask once the two guys are gone.'
"Ok then. Decision time…who will you be saying goodbye to first?"
"Hm…I'm gonna go for…Orange."
The light above the orange box dimmed.
AN: Ok, this is my first LIS fic, (though I am working on a Kate/Victoria oneshot, not sure if I'll finish it), I'm honestly not sure where the idea for this fic came from, it just popped into my head one day and got lodged there. I don't know how long this fic will be, I usually don't right chapters this short, but, maybe 3 or 4 chapters.
Hopefully I got Chloe's character right.