Title: If We Could See That This Was All We Need
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Jo, slight Sam/Amber(OFC)
Summary: Sam discovers there was more to Dean and Jo than anyone thought and then he pretends he never knew, Dean would be thankful for that if he had any clue it had happened and Sam realises there is a side of Dean he never knew.
A/N: AU, title taken from 'Set Free' by Katie Gray, this is actually part of a bigger thing which is ironic because it was originally a drabble which transformed into this kinda long one shot. PLEASE READ & REVIEW also this isn't Beta'd so any/all mistakes are mine, I hope you'll forgive them
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Supernatural or its characters except Amber (OFC dating Sam), I don't own Set Free or Katie Gray either. No profit is being made from this.
The Impala is a classic car, everything from its windshield wipers to its tyres, its engine is restored tuned to perfection with Dean's own hands – no one touches his baby but him, there are no fancy updates just enough to keep her going, the basics really, the same goes for the interior which is restored to its 1967 glory which means it's got a tape deck, Dean likes it that way because the car is a classic and if not that because he's the driver which means he should get to pick the music, if anyone (mostly Sam) they just have to deal with it, even if they bring their own music it won't be compatible so he still wins. Until Jo. Dean had listened to two hours of 'Jo's Awesome Tunes' which included, among other 'sing from the hair' eighties bands, REO Speedwagon because for once the music was compatible and if not that then because Jo seemed to always eventually get her way around Dean. Despite the mileage, the years that still march on and the rough treatment of day to day life the Impala is still standing, still running as close to perfection as it always has because Dean's a good mechanic and because Dean loves that car more than anything else Sam can think of.
It's been 3 years since the end of the war over the end of the world, yeah it's confusing for them sometimes too, it seems like a lifetime ago and it is in most ways but then there were the days where he woke up in sweat from memories, not nightmares just memories and for a while he thinks he's still there in a crappy motel in a crappy town, fighting for every breath he took. He's tried to get back to the life he had before, before the war, before the hunting, before he lost Jess, sometimes even before he even had Jess (that avoids him the pain of losing her) but he can't, try as he might he's still looking over his shoulder at every chance, he still had and lost Jess and he still fought a war against creatures regular people couldn't even imagine, he still left that life behind but didn't know what to do now. He only ever sees Dean when he's drunk or hung over, picking him up from bars before or after, mostly after, he gets his ass handed to him by whoever it was he picked a fight with, giving him water and aspirin and coffee the next morning and not getting much thanks of it at all. Dean always complains he's forgotten their life and left everything behind but when it's important to remember the past Dean flat out refuses, then gets drunk off his ass and Sam drives him, passed out – much like tonight and so many others, they go to the cemeteries, a long list of people to visit and Sam talks, Dean sulks but he never says a word.
Headlights cast a yellowish half circle on the ever moving road in front of him, late at night on an empty highway he feels like the world has stopped. The silence makes him think, makes him remember things of the hunting lifestyle, the war and the fallout , the ones they lost for the 'greater good', all things he can't stand to think about for too long because he's moved on from that life, or at least he's tried too. The silence eats away at him so he resorts to checking the glove box for something, anything, to keep his mind off a life he likes to pretend he never lead. Among 'Metallica Mix Vol 5' 'Van Halen Top Tracks', 'Best of Eighties Rock #7', 'AC/DC' and one thoughtfully decorated tape called 'Jo's Mix Of Awesome Tunes' Sam finds a tape with no label and it intrigues him. With Dean asleep in the backseat, the radio mostly static and his i-pod incompatible with the "classic good looks" of the Impala there's not much choice between tapes he's heard again and again and the mysterious unlabelled tape. It doesn't occur to Sam that it could be simply a blank tape (it's not but it could have been) because there's something special about this tape he just knows it, he feels a pull towards it and knows it's too special to have been a product of forgetfulness in the labelling process. Now that he thinks back it's always been in the glove box, there's a semi-predictable month or so rotation of glove box tapes to the box of tapes in the trunk just to keep things interesting, though he knows Jo's mix always has an unusually long life span compared to most the unlabelled tape never rotates like the rest. Thinking about it Sam realises it's always been there or at least it's been there for as long as he cares to think back to. He wants to know what makes it so special to Dean to never leave the glove box.
He presses the eject button on the tape deck and puts 'Dean's Faves' into the glove box and 'the tape' in the player. The highway before him seems to double in front of his eyes as he checks on Dean's form using the rear view mirror. Still asleep. He turns the volume down before he presses play, just so he doesn't wake Dean he tells himself but if feels like a lie. He presses play with a shaky hand but blames it on the cold. 'It's just a random tape' he repeated over and over like a mantra but it's more than that and he knew it, if it was just a random tape than he wouldn't be being so careful. Even before he heard the tape he knew it was special to Dean and felt like he was crossing some kind of line, he lets the tape play anyway. A few seconds of silence then a soft click, the speakers come to life.
"I've been meaning to show you this. Check it out."
Just like that a third person entered the car, a ghost came to life.
"What is it?" Dean asks.
His voice hung heavy in the car but lying across the back seat his lips never moved.
"It's a voice recorder thing, like for making mix tapes and stuff, you know, before CDs... the dark ages... come on, say something."
It's Jo's voice, Jo's ghost alive in the car, its Jo Sam feels sitting in the passenger seat watching him and Dean, he doesn't know if it's a happy feeling.
"What do you want me to say?" Dean asks.
"Anything." Jo says like it should be simple.
"Where did you find it anyway?" Dean asks.
"Mum keeps a lot of old stuff in the shed out the back." Jo says like it's not a big deal.
'Old stuff' easily translates to 'it was my dad's' to Sam now and to Dean then, a silence fills the car now because a silence filled the room then.
"It's pretty cool." Dean says finally.
"Yeah." Jo says. "So come on say something."
"Like what?" Dean asks.
"I don't know... tell me a secret." Jo says.
"Ok I love you." Dean says and Jo gasps.
Years later, yet at the same time, Sam is shocked and sits in the Impala's drivers sear starring at the tape deck like it would give him answers full of clarity and explain exactly what he was hearing. He looks at Dean through the rear view mirror, the strange thing was instead of seeing him as he was – bloody from a bar fight, passed out from the booze, angry at the world, 30 something broken before his time man he sees him as Sam imagines he was then. Young, still older than most his age, he sees him happy and in love with Jo, that throws him, not Dean loving Jo, that had always been clear to him even when it wasn't to the two of them, what throws is that he only just realises how different Dean had been once, he hadn't always been this way. Dean is far too old for his years, far too tired from his past but far to set in his ways to change anything now. The speakers crackle to life.
"Say it again." Jo demands from the past.
"I... aw shit Jo come on." Dean sighs.
"Say it." Jo says, then her voice wavers. "Please?"
A sigh, and then
"I love you Jo." Dean repeats and there's silence again, half comfortable half not. Dean breaks it first. "Aren't you going to say anything right about now?" he sounds almost nervous and Jo laughs.
"Like you don't already know I love you too you big idiot." She says.
Then a thud, the recorder dropping to the ground Sam predicts. He can hear something, noise, he doesn't know exactly what it is but he can guess and goes to turn the tape off before he has to hear anything more but then, his hand poised over the stop button he stops because they break away and talk again, voices softer this time, the microphone probably forgotten.
"So you love me?" Jo asks, more breathless than she was five seconds ago.
"Yeah." Dean says.
"You've never said that before." Jo says.
Sam swears he can see it. Just up ahead, just out of reach. A younger Dean, how much younger he's not sure exactly but centuries younger than the Dean he knows now, he's holding Jo, forever a 26 year old tough as nails, smart mouth blonde, but somehow Sam imagines her younger too. Dean's holding her close, they're both so happy, they're both smiling, they're both so young. Sam can't get over that, how young he feels they should be in this moment.
He listens intently for the next piece of the puzzle, fully aware he shouldn't be hearing this window to the past. A past he wasn't a part of. A past he knew nothing about. It's a perfectly preserved moment of the history of Dean and Jo, an intimate history full of moments Sam was never even supposed to know happened. Still he couldn't bring himself to turn it off and leave it be.
"You know its permanent right?" Jo asks. "There's no coming back."
Sam shivers, she doesn't realise what she's saying, what it means or how true it is. 'Yeah no coming back' he thinks but he wasn't the one she was asking and he wasn't answering her question anyway.
"I mean it." Dean tells her and Jo and Sam both know it's true.
"Cool, Dean Winchester loves Jo Harvelle." Jo tells them, (past and present). "I have it recorded forever. Out of your own mouth... twice."
"On tape." Dean says. "What are you going to do when no one has tape players anymore?"
"That's basically now." Jo points out. "Besides what are you going to do is a more important question... your baby will be obsolete."
"That will never happen." Dean is quick to defend his pride and joy.
"So you'll update her with something like an I-pod connecter or something?" Jo asks, Dean must have pulled a face Sam thinks because Jo answers some unheard question or comment, when she does her voice is light and happy, the way it was always supposed to be.
"Don't worry in a few years they'll be as outdated as the tape player so you'll be retro cool anyway." She says and she knows it's only joking; Dean will never trade 'up' his car with fancy technology. "Maybe later we can see a mechanic about just how much it would cost for a CD player and I-pod dock."
"Don't be stupid I'd never do that to her, besides she doesn't need any of that, she's a classic." Dean says.
"Well if that's the case then I won't have to worry because someone, somewhere will always have a tape deck, I'll come to you." Jo says.
"Yeah you and me just driving around in the Impala, no destination." Dean says and it sounds like a plan for the future.
'A future he won't get' Sam thinks. Dean just sounds so hopeful and happy and free at that moment, it breaks Sam's heart.
"And in the future when everyone has flying cars." Jo jokes.
"Idiots." Dean interjects good naturedly, nothing, not even a flying car would get him to turn on his baby.
"We'll have the Impala and a tape deck." Jo says. "We'll be so old it'll be cool again."
"Sounds like a plan." Dean said.
The silence is comfortable and Sam finds himself thinking about a future of flying cars and Dean and Jo in the Impala laughing at the rest of the world, he likes to think they're imagining that too. It's a sudden change in the mood when Jo speaks again. Sam had nearly forgotten there were bad things in the world at the time this tape had been made but he shouldn't have, Jo hasn't, Dean hasn't either Sam can tell.
"Why did you say it?" Jo asks. "I mean why now?"
Silence again, it's heavy this time.
"Is it because of tomorrow?" Jo asks. "It's ok if it is I just want to know after tomorrow..."
Sam wonders what 'tomorrow' they were talking about, there were so many times tomorrow seemed like a fool's dream, he brushes it off though, no use wondering about that, too painful.
"After tomorrow I'll still mean it." Dean says firmly. "That's not why I told you."
"Then why?" Jo asks.
"Because it's true and because I've finally realised waiting for the right place, right time is stupid, there's never going to be a right place right time unless we make it right." Dean says.
"I think we need some music." Jo says, the microphone picks up her footsteps, growing louder, growing softer.
Music starts and Sam nearly smiles but it's not his moment to enjoy. REO Speedwagon, he should have known.
"I should have guessed." Dean says as the song starts up. Jo's footsteps grow loud again then soft again, she's away from the jukebox, back to Dean.
"You can pick next." Jo says assuming he's annoyed about her choice of song.
"It's not so bad." Dean says trying to be casual.
"I knew you secretly loved them." Jo says and Sam knows she's grinning like mad.
"Well someone told me they sing from the heart." Dean says.
"Anyone special?" Jo asks.
"Very... dance with me." Dean suggests.
Sam's never known Dean to be one for dancing but Sam's never known the Dean from this tape, the Dean alone with Jo. They song keeps playing and Sam imagines them dancing, for a silly moment he sees them foxtrotting or waltzing or something like that, that image fades and he imagines the two of them swaying side to side in each other's arms. The song ends.
"Do you really think we'll be ok tomorrow?" Jo asks and it almost sounds like she's crying.
"I'm scared." She admits and again Sam is painfully aware he's an unwelcome intruder to their world.
"We'll be fine." Dean says and he sounds confident.
"How can you be sure?" Jo asks what Sam's thinking.
"Because it's going to be you, me and a tape deck." Deans says, Jo gives a shaky laugh.
"You're such a softie." She says and her smile is almost visible through the speakers, impossible but true.
Sam still imagines Dean and Jo alone at the Roadhouse standing in each others' arms even if the song's over.
"Don't tell anyone, I've got a reputation to protect you know." Dean says.
"Oh I know, you're a big bad scary hunter, demons and monsters cower in your presence." Jo teases.
"Big bad scary kick ass hunter." Dean corrects.
"You're secrets safe with me." Jo promises.
Sam imagines her leaning in and kissing Dean in the short silence that follows. Sam thinks Dean was the one to break the kiss and pull away because he talks first.
"We should stop." He says breathlessly, that's when Sam knows he was right about the kiss.
"Why?" Jo asks
"Your mum should be back soon." Dean says.
"You're honestly still afraid of my mother?" Jo asks laughter in her voice.
"Hey your mum is one scary assed woman." Deans says. "I've seen her take apart a vampire next in under 20 minutes."
"I helped." Jo pouts.
"Yeah I noticed, you looked damn hot doing it too." Dean says.
"Really?" Jo asks.
"Definitely." Dean says, his voice low, then he clears his throat. "Anyway I've seen what your mother can do when she's motivated enough... I do not want to be on the receiving end of that."
Jo laughs.
"Can you stack those last few chairs over there then?" she asks.
"Your wish, my command." Dean says.
"Oh hey." Jo says, her footsteps louder, she picks up the recorder. She must show it to Dean.
"Is it ok?" Dean asks. "Not broken or anything?"
Sam wonders if he's worried about it because it was Jo's dad's and he knows how much that means to her, how little she has left of him, or maybe if it's about the tape.
"Seems fine." Jo says.
"Strong then isn't it." Dean says.
"Hey look it's even still recording."
"Really?" Dean asks. His voice gets stronger, he must be talking directly into the microphone. "I love you Joanna Beth Harvelle... forever one tape."
"I love you too... forever on tape." Jo says. "And it think you're right, tomorrow's going to go just fine, we've got nothing to worry about."
"Why the sudden optimism?" Dean asks.
"Because I just saw us at something stupid like 80 laughing at all the 'damned kids' in their flying cars, driving around in the Impala and finding this tape." Jo says and Dean laughs, actually laughs.
"I like the sound of that." He says. "And I bet you look pretty hot for an 80 year old."
"Me too." Jo says and then click.
Silence again but this time it's different, it's the end. Jo won't be speaking again. For a second Sam doesn't know if he's just talking about the tape or something more, either way he's right. Sam wonders what happened after they turned the recorder off, wonders how long it was until Ellen came back, he wonders if she knew what was going on between Dean and Jo and if she did if she approved.
Dean stirs and shifts his body across the back seat bringing Sam back into the present, the present where Jo was dead, one day, he doesn't know how long from when the tape was recorded but one day a tomorrow wasn't 'just fine', the present isn't nearly as beautiful as the pieces of the past he wants to remember, college with Jess, Dean with Jo and a tape recorder, road tripping with his brother, pieces of the past were beautiful and Sam thinks maybe he'd take the bad, the war, the fighting, the evil in the world just to take them back to when things could have been beautiful, to take back the people they'd lost. But he wasn't in the past, he was stuck in a present where the war was over and he lost everyone he cared about, if they weren't dead they were still damaged, but so was he. There were far too many constants in his life, like being called every week or so to pick Dean's drunken ass up from some nowhere pub in a tiny town, like he had earlier tonight.
Sam looked at the tape deck, inside he knew was the tape. Dean would kick his ass and rightfully so if he knew Sam had listen to it, half of him wanted to unhear the tape, leave it as it was intended – a small, private moment between Dean and Jo but the other half of him was glad to have heard it because everything suddenly made sense to him. he pressed rewind and the tape deck whirled, taking back the moments as best as anyone could, hitting the end it stopped with a click, Sam ejected it and put the tape back in the glove box where it belonged. There was a reason it was never rotated he realised that now, Dean couldn't bear to put it in the trunk and lose, even for a moment the last piece of Jo he had left. Sam was seeing Dean and everything he did in a whole new light.
From the backseat Dean jolted awake and looked around, he sat up and rubbed his head as Sam pulled into the driveway, he looked and saw the porch light on, Amber, his girlfriend would be waiting for them, unimpressed with Dean as always, annoyed with Sam for going like usually, Sam sighed, she didn't understand. He helped Dean out of the car, into the house and to the guest bedroom, Dean kicked his shoes off and dropped his jacket to the floor, crawling into bed and pulling the covers up, Sam was at the door when Dean spoke.
"I'm sorry Sam." he said. "I won't call you next time."
'Yes you will.' Sam thought.
"It's ok Dean." He said and it was.