Pairings: Castiel/Dean, Jimmy Novak/Dean (past), Jimmy Novak/Amelia, Balthazar/Dean (brief)
Warnings: Gender changes; always-a-girl!Dean.Abusive language, hostility, some violence. English isn't my first language and it's un-beta'd. Some religious musings that are in no way meant to offend anyone ever. Just saying.
Notes: Human AU, where Dean has always been Deanna. Note warnings: Deanna and Cas are assholes in this fic. Jimmy is BAMF.
I look forward to the possibility of angry sex. Also this might be one of the more angtsy/drama fics I've ever written. Go me!
Anyway, enjoy!
.
It's A Fine Line
.
Deanna woke up the way she always did on occasions like these; startled into awareness, because it was always more like being unconscious than asleep, and abruptly becoming aware of the throbbing in her head and foul taste of her mouth. Standard procedure. Step two was to lay still, eyes closed, and figure out where, and with whom, she was. Because, it was always a matter of waking up to something, these mornings. She usually managed to complete this step by stringing together a patch of fuzzy memories from the night before, and if not, she'd jump ahead and do what she always did, memories or no; concentrate on her other senses to try and get a feel of the situation. Not so shabby, Opps that's bad or Fuck.
This time around, it was with a few rather amusing memories and a quick feel and look around (silk sheets on a water bed, what the fuck?) that she decided on Not so shabby. She'd hooked up with her latest dick on legs at the club she'd been dragged to by the group of giggling girls Sammy's girlfriend Jess hung out with. She had been convinced by her darling little bro that it would be a good idea to make friends (he'd pulled out the puppy eyes, the bastard). It was the kind of place she'd never even think to visit given a choice, and exactly the kind of place where you'd meet a man like Balthazar. Smarmy British douche who played fast and loose, the kind of smart-ass that always made her want to slap them then fuck them.
He'd been her salvation though, an excellent excuse to get away from Jess and her girls (they were never going to be her friends, puppy eyes or not. They were all about feelings and rose petals and sunsets and walks on the beach – just, ew. Though Jess was cool). Balthazar was obviously a man who knew how to party hard and fuck harder, and Deanna could definitely appreciate that.
Now though, he was snoring up a storm on the other side of the fucking enormous bed, and she was quite secure in the feeling he wouldn't give two shits if she borrowed his shower and helped herself to something to eat and drink before leaving. Sighing in satisfaction at the wonderful aches of no-strings-attached sex, Deanna slipped and slid out of bed in an awkward wriggly sort of wormy dance (seriously, silk sheets on a water bed? Again; what, the, fuck) and went to locate the bathroom.
She picked up her clothes on the way, and found her way rather easily around the house. As promised, there was no sign of Balthazar's roommate, or housemate, or whatever and she made quick work of getting clean (dried jizz, never comfortable, and Jesus fuck she even had some in her eyelashes; ew). It might be a bit redundant, as her clothes weren't exactly fresh, and damn girls and their girl nights, what is it with these creatures that demands make-overs and fucking dresses and make-up? Cursing the annoyance of the people of her own sex, Deanna slipped into the 'little black' dress she'd been forced into yesterday evening and was thankful the shower had rid her of the last piece of awkward eye shadow and ridiculous foundation and blush. The only good thing it had done was covering most of her damn freckles.
Now dressed and feeling a glass of water and some toast was long overdue, Deanna made her way to the kitchen. The ease with which she navigated new places would probably, to normal people, seem more than a little messed up but fuck them; Deanna hadn't been normal since she was four and she wasn't going to start now.
It was when she was sitting on the counter, nibbling at the edge of a piece of toast and dangling her bare legs (the tights were a lost cause, ripped up and thrown away in the trash) while wriggling her toes (fucking nail polish, at least it wasn't pink, but red), that the surprisingly pleasant morning went from not too shabby to ABORT! ABORT! Get the Hell out!, which was a lesser used category nowadays. But it seemed it had planned one hell of a comeback, because in the entrance of the kitchen stood none other than Castiel Novak, the twin brother of Jimmy Novak who was one of her better exes. They'd never really gotten along, what with Castiel's stick-up-the-ass attitude, and her own sometimes unfortunate need to prod and poke until she got a reaction.
At the moment, he was staring at her with eyes wide in confusion and shock, stock still and almost gaping. She blinked at him in silent panic, fighting the urge to throw the toast at him and make a run for it because what the fuck, but by then Castiel's eyes had narrowed and she could fucking hear him putting the pieces together. In the most judgmental way ever, as was his wont.
She'd taken a look at herself after showering and dressing; she had the appearance of the well and properly fucked, hickies and bruises and all. It wasn't a difficult leap. Still.
"Deanna Winchester," he stated in that calm, I'm-not-giving-you-any-clues-as-to-what-I'm-thinking voice that could break a lesser person (and had, many times over). She was still working up for a good, healthy hyperventilation and so she thinks she can be excused for the "What the hell are you doing here?!" that slips out of her mouth without checking in with her brain first. By the look on his face (well, it was more in the eyes; there lay one of the many, many differences between Jimmy and his frowny, grouchy twin), things were rapidly getting worse. Fuck.
"I live here, Winchester," he stated, "The question should be what you are doing in my kitchen. However, I think the answer can be summed up rather easily. Balthazar."
She didn't know if he was planning to kill her, or his British housemate, or both (what the fuck, what the hell, since when does Castiel tolerate living in anyone's space unless—Oh, my, God).
"Oh my God he's your boyfriend oh my God, fuck my life, holy shit, why is this my life what the f—" She thinks she might be two seconds away from having her head explode while her heart rots away in the acid of her stomach, but she's interrupted by the loud and obnoxious wailings of protest coming from behind Castiel.
"—That is so far off the mark, what the bloody hell! Cassy is NOT my boyfriend! That is bloody gross!"
She might slap herself because her first thought was oh good I haven't cheated on Jimmy's murderous brother with someone but she's busy staring at the scene in front of her and wishing she could change the channel because this shit can't be real.
Castiel is already turning to pin his intensive don't-fuck-with-me stare on Balthazar and it's a small relief to have it off of her. "Balthazar, this is my brother's ex. Deanna Winchester."
Balthazar's eyes widened before a smirk of approval stretched across his face. "She's the infamous Deanna Winchester? Well, bloody hell! You made her sound less than she was, because let me tell you, your bro was one lucky ba—"
"She dumped him, Balthazar. I do not want to hear this," Castiel growled, making him back up a step.
"What? Hey, it's not like I knew who she was! Told me her name was Jennifer, the minx. Bloody gorgeous and fucking amazing in b—"
Deanna has long since edged off the counter to slide along it towards the nearest window, working it open discreetly to make a leap to freedom, because this is fucking insane and jumping out of a window would be the most sane thing happening in the room.
"—don't finish that sentence, Balthazar, you asshat—"
She hears Balthazar laughing and cheering in approval as she hauls her ass out the window and lands in the flowerbed running; she totally left her shoes behind but it's a small price to pay. She ignores Castiel calling after her in as much of an irate voice he could muster ("Winchester!") and hightails it out of there; fishing her phone out of her bra (she had no handbag. Who needs it with the great storage of bras available?) and hitting speed dial.
She's calling Sammy and she doesn't care what he's up to, he's going to drop everything and pick her up and drive her home to safety where she can figure out what the fuck just happened and then proceed to find ways of wiping her mind clean of it.
.
"You slept with the man Jimmy's brother – who hates your guts – lives with."
Deanna is so not up for this. "Shut the fuck up, Sammy."
"The brother who threatened to make your life hell."
"I said shut up!" She launches a glob of macaroni and cheese at him with her spoon, satisfied when it ends up in his stupid, floppy hair she does not find endearing.
"For Christ's sake, Dee!" he bitches, trying and failing to save his precious locks. "You slept with Castiel Novak's friend, after how he reacted to Jimmy and you dating? Are you insane? Are you doing this to him on purpose?"
She snaps, standing up and putting her bowl of now entirely unappealing food in the sink a bit too roughly. "Dude I don't fucking do it on purpose! Jimmy and I broke up two years ago, and you know it was totally mutual! You know we're still friends for fuck's sake! And I had no idea Balthazar was Castiel's friend, how could I?!"
"Sorry, I know, but," he sighs, after a moment of dead silence. "This only happens to you doesn't it?"
She mutters a "Don't I know it" before moving on to clean away the mess in their kitchen sink as Sammy finished up his own bowl of cheesy goodness. Deanna makes a mental note to pick up some extra shifts at the bar and get him some proper vegetables and meat, and tries to ignore the sick, twisted feeling of indignant anger in her stomach. It was ridiculous. She hasn't seen Castiel outside of the occasional glimpse since she and Jimmy parted ways, and while they'd still been dating, Castiel had mostly been a cloud of ominous, over-protective fury hanging over them. He'd never kept silent on his opinion of her defiling his brother, no matter what Jimmy had said.
Besides, with a family like that, Deanna doesn't regret dragging Jimmy into some interesting stuff that might not have been entirely…proper. She'd never given much of a flying fuck what people outside her family thought of her, least of all self-important dicks, and it's more than a little daunting to find she might not be as unconcerned as she'd assumed. She thought she was over this; apparently not.
But dammit, he had no right to judge her; she was a grown woman and could fuck whoever she wanted. It's not like she knew he lived with Balthazar. Then again, she was pretty sure sleeping with a man like Balthazar told something about her that wasn't exactly reflecting well on her character and only confirmed what Castiel had been saying all along. Not that it mattered, she wasn't planning on meeting him again and she hadn't left Balthazar with her number for a reason. So she'd just shrug this off, what did Castiel's stupid judgmental crap matter anyway, he didn't know her.
No harm no foul.
Right.
.
Jimmy remembers Deanna Winchester with fondness and slight anxiety. She'd always been a little bit too much, a little bit more than he could take. Bigger than him, stronger than him, even at 19. But she'd been the kind of wild, chaotic fling he'd only ever heard about and their year together had been pleasant. It had changed him for the better, he thinks. Made him realize that although jumping in feet first wasn't his thing, it was sometimes good to just…go for it. Take what you want, fight for it. He'd also learned the important lesson that you can't save everyone, can't fix some things.
Deanna hadn't been a broken young woman, not precisely, but she'd been scarred and sometimes she'd come to him bleeding. She wasn't the person he had thought would be welcomed by God but he'd learned a lot from her without her really doing anything. She'd opened his mind, without meaning to, because she'd said she wasn't here to change anyone, that it was up to yourself to change. She didn't believe in God, and it would've made him blanch but she'd been such a fundamentally good person he simply couldn't believe it mattered, in the end. God had created humans with free will, and sometimes ones circumstances forced you to lose faith, or choose to place it in another.
In the end, it all boiled down to do no evil, and for all that people pointed out her supposed sins Jimmy had loved her. She drank, she was sexually liberated, he knew she sometimes stole and lied to make ends meet, but she was young and had a little brother to feed. A brother to put through school and rent to pay, a father who'd succumbed to alcoholism long ago, and a murky past of pain and loss.
He'd never learned the whole story of Deanna Winchester, but he knew the gist of it, and he respected her. Although she'd seduced him (she was his first, and he has no regrets), she hadn't manipulated him. She'd simply allowed him to make his own choices.
This was not what his family saw. The only thing he regrets is not being able to defend her from the backlash of the youngest Novak being supposedly dragged into a world of drugs and sex against his consent. They didn't believe him, and Deanna had made him promise to keep her secrets secret. Even from his twin brother, especially from his twin brother.
Castiel had always been somewhat over-protective, which is a bit unfair, because he was only hours older. But it was a fight he'd given up on many years ago, and it simply was in Castiel's nature. In this, Jimmy had always found him and Deanna alike; something neither of them had appreciated, but it'd been true. He'd seen how she was around Sam, and he recognized it in his brother when he was around Jimmy.
Deanna and Jimmy had come to an inventible end, however. They'd both known they wouldn't stay together when they'd started it, and by the end of it all, they were more friends than lovers and had parted on friendly grounds. He'd quit his job at his father's firm and moved away to study theology, and a year and a half later he'd met Amelia. He'd kept in contact with Deanna over the last two years with the occasional email and phone call. He'd made sure to drop by her and Sam when he was in town as well, introducing her to Amelia, who'd by then known their shared history. They'd hit it off and Amelia had been properly charmed by Sam, who'd always been the more polite of the Winchesters.
As far as Jimmy knew, Castiel hadn't talked or seen Deanna since she'd seen Jimmy off to college. He knew his brother blamed Deanna, for all of it. He still thinks Jimmy left only because she dumped him, and Jimmy's given up on changing his mind. Deanna had never been a total innocent when it comes to his brother's behavior either; she'd loved to provoke him and often let him underestimate her for reasons Jimmy couldn't understand. They'd been fighting ever since they'd been introduced, and while it had at times been amusing, it usually had left him with a headache.
So, while he'd given up on making peace between his then-girlfriend/now-friend and his brother, he'd thought he'd been right to assume Castiel would avoid Deanna like the plague or at least let it all go. Which was why he was rather surprised to hear from him only to end up listening to an angry spiel on how Deanna was once again out to ruin the lives of the Novaks.
Jimmy resisted the urge to sigh and point out he was in a happy relationship, it had been two years and Deanna was 22 years old now, she could and always had been with whomever she wanted, and it wasn't really any of Castiel business. But he was a good brother, and so listened, if a bit bemused by the amount of passion Deanna had always managed to stir in his usually stoic twin.
It didn't take too long, Castiel had never been one to use too many words, but they'd soon changed the subject of the upcoming summer. Amelia would be flying out to visit her mother's family in Europe, and Jimmy had promised to come home and help at the firm for some extra cash. They were both looking forward to it; they'd always been close brothers like twins tended to be, despite their differences.
"I'll see you in a two weeks, Cassy," Jimmy said into the phone, because Castiel was still hopeless with technology and had no idea how to handle skype without wiping the whole computer clean by mistake. It had happened. Twice. "Behave," he ended with, because it needed saying. Honestly, if there was someone you should keep an eye on, it was Castiel. Which might be why his brother was so paranoid about Jimmy, but he should know better than to expect Jimmy to do everything he might or might not have been up to with Gabriel (plausible deniability on Jimmy's part, he refused to know some things).
"You too," Castiel replied in the same annoyed voice he always got. Jimmy smiled. "See you soon."
They hung up and Jimmy got back to preparing the dinner he'd been working on. Amelia was coming over and he'd like to spend as much time with her as possible before they parted ways over the summer. He wouldn't see her until school started again, which was a saddening thought, but she at least knew how to navigate skype. With a content hum, he sliced the remaining carrots and let his mind drift.
He'd almost forgotten Castiel's run in with Deanna, until he got a text in the early morning from the latter (3.40am, really Dee?) a few days later.
MY HEAD'S KILLING ME. DUNNO IF IT'S COZ SAMMY'S YELLING AT ME, BLOODLOSS OR UR EVUL TWIN MAKING ME EGGS IN MY KITCHEN. LEGIT FREAKING OUT.
Well, shit.
End notes: Deanna's life might actually suck. I don't know why I love abusing her but there it is. I swear I do it for the h/c because of feels. Also Castiel is an ass, but he's got his reasons, even if they are stupid ones. Let's just say everyone's emotionally constipated and doesn't know what's what.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Please review/comment! :D