The world didn`t know what it was like, this torture. It was impossible to be completely satisfied with her life, to not want an escape. Pain, torture, horror, they were all predominant. They ruled alongside the Dark Lord, sitting on one side while dear Bella sat on the other, all working together to decide what move would be made next. Should another attack on the Muggles be made? Or had Lucius done something else to inspire punishment? What should his penance be: something involving Draco or something involving the man himself, to hurt his wife?
It was this torture that had prompted her to go to Spinner`s End that night, with Bella, when the Unbreakable Vow had been made.
It was this torture that had guided her back to the drab house the next night, without her sister, when the affair had started.
It was this torture that made her wonder what real happiness was.
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The world didn`t know what it was like, this torture. It didn`t know what it felt like to deal with the knowledge that it was the cause of its one love`s demise or what it was like to see the face of the spawn created between that love and the man she had chosen to be with. The world didn`t know what it was like to live in a constant state of numbness that was, for the most part, self-inflicted. It didn`t know what it was like to have to battle with itself about whether or not to end the unresponsiveness or to embrace it.
Severus Snape did.
He knew all too well what it was like, for it had happened to him. The cards had not been dealt in his favor, and he had ruined what he had hoped to have. In an attempt to fix it, he made things worse. And that is how the man`s current state of being came to pass.
It was all the pain he felt that had prompted him to let Narcissa into his home the night after they had taken the Unbreakable Vow. He wanted to remember, if only for a few hours, what it was like to live without misery. He wanted to see if he could have the opportunity to find again the happiness he had once known.
He found he could. But he didn`t want to let go of his sorrow, for to do that would be to let go of his memories of her.
Over the next month he saw more and more of Narcissa, felt it as she began to shape her part in his life into something different than what it had previously been. He felt himself begin to look forward to the evenings, watching the street through the tiny window in the sitting room as he waited for her to come around. Unlike with any other women, he didn`t just want sex from her. He craved the attention she paid him, their conversations, the food she cooked, and the cleaning that he knew she believed he didn`t even notice.
And he hated himself for this.
He didn`t want to forget what it felt like to live without her. He didn`t want to forget what it was like to live in that perpetual state of sorrow. To do so felt like he was betraying Lily all over again. She had been his first love, and he had wanted her to be his only.
The evening before term began he sat in his kitchen, staring down at the notches and grooves in the dark wood of the rather small table, thinking about the blonde woman. She probably didn`t even notice it, but she had wormed a way into the heart he had convinced himself was blocked by stone. Despite everything she said to him when she complained about her husband, Severus knew that Narcissa loved Lucius. It was the knowledge of that that kept him from 'seizing the day' and embracing her completely, and it was the knowledge of that that prompted what he did next.
She knocked on the door at six thirty on the dot, like she did every evening, her face carefully guarded but her eyes brightening slightly when she saw him – until, that is, she saw the old resolution on his face, that bitterness that broadcast the fact that he didn`t want to be messed with. He knew that she had hoped to never again see that aimed toward her, but it was for the best. A little prick was better than being cut down to the bone.
"I`m going to let it go," he said softly as he stepped back from the door and closed it; locking her out. The click resounded in the cold hall, a final goodbye.