"What are we fighting for?
Seems like we do it just for fun..
In this, this just stupid war
We play hard with our plastic guns.."
4 months, 3 days, 2 hours..27 minutes; exact time when logic warranted over the heart. The same time her feelings walked out the door. It was about an hour after when her eyes flickered around a place that had been home, had been comfort..but now weathered with ghosts of relentless cruel memory. She had sentenced herself then and there and with justice swift she buried herself in the bottom of a bottle.
The ride to the bar was filled with absolute stoic chilled paralysis and she hadn't even fathomed how she had been able to get to her chosen destination. It didn't matter when all she wished to do was drown herself into the depths of numbness or darkness. Both wedged and fought at each other in the back of her mind as she arrived at the bar.
4 months…..3 days….2…. She had made a promise to her sister. She had made a promise to herself. Well, then their little travel to the other Earths and her drunken stupor with Sara Lance; wasn't entirely a bad thing but..it brought up the struggle. It brought up so much Alex wasn't ready to tackle head on and for once the agent felt defenseless against what unfolded between her head and her heart. She promised. Until…..
"Dammit, stay with me Kara.."
Until..she'd watched the person whom saw the light in her even in her darkest of times, whom carried her from the drink, whom drove her home, whom..saved her..fall.
It had been the second day as her little sister lay in a coma that...she thought of the bottle once more. It wasn't just the bottle she had wanted. She wanted to take her cell and dial the number she knew she had on speed dial if necessary. The number, that as the news was broadcasting Supergirl's crushing defeat and possible demise..never appeared on her screen as an incoming concern. It broke her even more, that someone whom referred to her sister as Little Danvers never called to ask if she was okay. Not..once. It made her want to take the liquor they used to share, by the neck of the bottle and throw it as hard as she could at a wall or in fact even her ex's door.
Now, Alex had just learned whom Reign was behind the mask. All the realizations had come slamming them all with a massive force directly into their faces and worse? It was behind their backs the entire time. She felt as if she should have done more or realized it sooner, like the day she had tested Sam. That day where even though she fought it..her heart had skipped a few beats. Of course she had swallowed it down. And now, she stood beside Lena Luthor as they went over her findings and compared theories.
"Alex..I was protecting Sam..I…" But the agent cut her off.
"I know. I don't really like that this MONSTER is Sam but.."
"That's the thing though! It's not! She's not! It's as if the moment she blacks out this entity takes over her."
"I know. I know Sam would never do anything like this. I mean, she has Ruby and I don't see her ever doing anything like this. She's too good."
"And yet...you've known her what, a few months?" Alex felt her body tighten up tension rising as she focused on her breathing to mellow out. When Lena turned to look at the agent she stilled as dread and regret for her words filled her own body. "Alex I…"
"Forget it." The agent stoned her voice slamming all emotion out of the conversation. "Will you keep us informed with your findings Ms. Luthor?" Alex watched as the woman steadied herself then the mask fell over her face as she too shut down as she nodded. "Good. Call my cell with updates. I'll…..I have to tend to something."
She couldn't get out of that lab fast enough as she felt her insides curling. It was if some python had slipped under her burning flesh and begun to slither around each organ coiling twice and began constricting tighter and tighter until her movements were staggering and lessened by the suffocation of submerging into endless memories of darkness.
By the time she had reached the training room she immediately turned on the kryptonite emitters to their highest they could be under her codes to avoid any run in with her sister by using her weakness as her own personal shield to keep her out. In her hand was the bottle of her and her ex's favorite brew as she dropped upon her knees in the center of the room still clenching the poisonous liquor. Alex sighed knowing the tears were coming as she heard hard bangs and had a good idea whom was outside the door. Then she heard the beeps of codes entered for the door and slowly and quietly twisted the cap to open the bottle.
"Ale….x….ooooh...whoa..Al?" The agent undid the cap the rest of the way then turned slightly back to witness her sister collapse partially to the training room floor breathing harder than she should the agent turned away cursing her mistake. "Ale...x…."
"Kryptonite meter...drop 46%!" Alex shouted as the pressure calmed for the struggling woman behind her as she glanced back at the bottle. "Kara…..please..leave me alone."
"No Alex." Kara crawled over then gasped clenching her jaw some as she gazed at what her sister was holding watching with wide eyes as the agent brought the bottle to her lips. "Alex...you promised me!" But her pleas fell on deaf ears. "Alex no!" Then it met her lips and the blonde felt her heart shattering at the sight until..
"4 months..3 days….2 hours...no..3 now.." She spoke as tears slipped down her cheeks and she tilted the bottle upside down only for Kara to understand that it was empty all along. "They say….the smell can trigger both..a good and bad experience."
"Alex.." Without even thinking she instantly slid her arms around her big sister putting her head on the agent's shoulder as Alex rested hers against Kara's. "I'm sorry."
"I know..I promised, but….when you were.." Kara lifted her head to cup her sister's chin softly to tilt her sister's head up as their gazes met. "That was…"
"I'm okay now."
"Sam..and Ruby." Kara studied her sister's eyes and expression.
"You..cherish Ruby. You….like Sam." Alex should have known her sister would put the pieces together before she could. Nodding she finally accepted it within herself. "We will get Sam better." Alex nodded once more and broke their floor embrace only to hold out the bottle to Kara. "What..do you want me to toss it?"
"This was the last thing she bought...the last thing we shared.."
"Breathe deep, bottle it up..
So deep until it's all we got.
Don't speak, just use your touch
Don't speak before we say too much…."
"This, was...was this that night?" Alex took a long shaky breath slowly releasing it.
"We drank until we quit thinking, til we were fucking….not sharing love, just stopping pain." Another deep unsteady breath until the agent could let it out continuing. "In the end she tried to change my mind, tried to have me cave to keep her. In the end her walking out….it was all my doing Kar.."
"You hate me now and I feel the same way..
You love me now and I feel the same way,
We scream and we shout and make up the same day..
The same day.."
"You stayed true to what you really wanted Alex." The blonde watched as her sister shook her head.
"What I….what I wanted? It's a fairytale Kar. I'm an agent. I'm a fighting skilled soldier. I'm not fit for motherhood! I barely have time to watch my friend's kid! No..see, don't you see? I do like Sam..I do. But….with Reign? World Killers? The cards work against me and stay dealt in the reaper's favor. I almost lost you.." Alex shut her eyes putting her head back contemplating asking Kara to fly her to the closest bar but she knew that wasn't the answer. "Love..it's just not in the cards for me Kar."
"Alex.." The agent lifted her gaze back to her sister sighing as tears escaped her eyes once more. "That isn't true..there will be another Maggie and it will be better. Don't give up."
"Maybe….in the end...I'm always..rock bottom..."