It took them nearly one thousand years to come to this point. One thousand years and six packs of beers. Mathias leaned over the table, charmed by a pair of blue eyes. "I like ya. You cool with that?"
Berwald stared for three tense seconds before he knocked back the rest of his beer. "Kay, let's go fer it." He thunked his empty bottle down and Mathias yanked him across the table by his tie. The bottle clattered to the floor. Mathias smirked, then crashed his lips into Berwald's for a rough and breathless kiss. When he pulled back, both pairs of blue eyes burned.
"Now w're official."
Two bottles clinked together in a toast, drinks taken at the same time. And that was how they started dating.
xXx
Mathias leaned against Berwald's shoulder, reveling in the alcoholic stink of the bar he chose to spend their one month anniversary in. Already on his fifth beer, the Danish man buzzed with happiness. Berwald shifted underneath him, no doubt trying to dislodge him entirely, but Mathias had no intention of moving. They were celebrating today, damn it! Sure Berwald tended to shy away from physical contact. Mathias knew that since they were little brats kicking water at each other from across a stream. Because when their fights cooled and Mathias tried to rub the other's shoulder with a towel, he dodged with a weird noise and caught a cold instead. So really, Mathias always knew this wouldn't be easy.
That's why he brought them to a bar. In the hazed memories from their last drunken night, he remembered the pliant movement of Berwald's lips beneath his. His causal 'let's date' couldn't have been more different from usual. In the whole month since then, they'd managed to stay an innocent pair of lovers. Like two humans shy to get things wrong, they moved slow. Mathias didn't mind because truth be told, he liked Berwald that much. He loved how deceptively soft his short blonde hair was. Or how his eyes widened whenever Mathias slipped an arm around his waist. How his tongue darted out to wet his usually too dry lips, and how red he got every time they kissed. Mathias could trace his muscles from old memories and he knew the path of almost every scar, but he wanted to touch them as a lover. He wanted Berwald, but they never got past making out and a little groping. Mathias accepted this because more than anything he just wanted Berwald happy.
Mostly anyway. They were in a bar. Mathias didn't plan this to get laid, but he wanted Berwald to loosen up. He couldn't be any more happy than Mathias with this awkward stand off. It'd been a month after all. It was time.
"Move, Math…"
"Hm?" Mathias tilted his head and loosened the grip he had on Berwald's arm, not realizing until now he'd wrapped himself near python-like around the limb. "Why?"
"…Yer droolin' on my shoulder," Berwald stated. His expression stayed stoic as ever, but Mathias noticed a faint tinge on his cheeks. The sight made him smirk. You've been thinking intently about me, haven't you? Mathias chuckled and only slid away enough to wipe at his mouth with a pout.
"Aw no way. I don't drool even when I'm drunk! And I'm so not drunk yet."
Berwald raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. Such an appraising look. Mathias continued without any pause. One arm slipped down to rest on Berwald's lower back—something he could only get away with when intoxicated to some degree—and hailed the bartender. Certainly Berwald tended to be more lenient with him with the presence of alcohol. Mathias assured himself it meant Berwald did want to be touched. He just needed the excuse.
"Yes sirs. Another beer?" the bartender asked as she saw the now empty bottle in front of Mathias. Berwald nursed the end of his, but when Mathias snapped him a look, he gulped it all down.
"One for each of us!" Mathias exclaimed and patted Berwald on the back when he gave him another look. Oh no, I'm not letting you bail out this soon. Mathias was giving Berwald an excuse, because he understood. If he needed a little alcohol to tell himself this relationship was alright, then he'd give him a little alcohol. Mathias was a good lover like that, always thinking about how to help.
The bartender nodded and shuffled away, giving the pair another look. When they first entered, she smiled flirtatiously with both of them, but especially Mathias who gave the impression that he enjoyed the attention. She didn't understand at first why his glasses-wearing companion wore such a murderous look, but after watching them cling together as the night progressed, she understood she had no hope with either of them.
xx
Mathias slammed Berwald into the living room wall. They stumbled past the stairwell, kicking off shoes as they went. Mathias paused against the railing to tug Berwald's crinkled dress shirt loose. They made it another two steps before he grabbed Mathias' hair and pulled him in for another kiss. They rolled along the wall, ending with Berwald pinned against it once again. Mathias ran his hands up the man's muscular torso, only considering in the very back of his mind that Berwald would normally excuse himself from the room somewhere around now, almost as stoic as usual, but on quick feet. This Berwald didn't run though. He guided Mathias' mouth to the base of his neck where he nipped obligingly. Just like when they were leaving the bar and all Mathias could think about was bending the man over some poor stranger's car and Berwald leaned in and whispered, "I want ya."
The alcohol made the bits in between then and now a blank. Although he set out to get Berwald drunk, he ended up consuming far more than his lover. All the carefully constructed guards Mathias set on himself snapped one by one as Berwald expelled a breathy sound. He fumbled for the door handle, found it, and fell inside.
Mathias shoved the other man down onto the bed, his grin filled with as much savagery as lust. For a second, Berwald's eyes widened before he squeezed them shut. He pulled his knees toward himself, but Mathias grabbed him by the ankles to spread him flat again. Swinging himself on top kept Berwald still. He moved too fast though and had to steady himself against that broad chest to stop his own momentum. Mathias felt the heart beat there and the slightly quickened breaths that held nothing against his own struggle for air. Berwald turned his head away. Mathias tilted it back and dived in for another kiss.
"I'm gonna fuck ya now."
Berwald's breath caught in his throat and he only expelled it when Mathias bit down on his pulse. For another few seconds, Berwald struggled to answer and Mathis kept his eyes on him the entire time. Even in the dark room, he could see his lover redden. "…'Kay."
Mathias' heart danced a double skip beat. When he ran a hand along Berwald's face, he felt the warmth all the way to his ears. He almost turned the lights on just so he could see it. Such a thought quickly danced away though because all he could think about was the man coming undone in his bed.
"Do you have any idea how cute you are? Oh Berwald…" Mathias' hands made quick work of his shirt. Berwald twitched his hands, eyeing Mathias' chest, but he hesitated too long. Mathias smirked and pulled his t-shirt off. "You don't have to be so hesitant. If ya want me to strip, just say it." But of course Berwald just snapped his mouth shut and averted his eyes. Not that Mathias expected anything different. His smile melted into something warmer. Just a hint of comfort in the storm that threatened to sweep them far away from reason.
Mathias trailed his hand down to the waistband of Berwald's pants. "You've done this before haven't you?" Berwald's shade of red instantly tripled. He opened his mouth, but only managed a distressed…dare he call it a whine?
I'll take that as a yes. Mathias figured as much, but he had enough reason left to ask. He knew Tino and Berwald got it on more than a few times, but Mathias seriously doubted Berwald'd been with him like this. Not the cute smiling face he only showed his strong side too. No, Berwald would have chosen a random citizen of his. The thought made Mathias dizzy. He couldn't be jealous of a nameless face. Rather, all the blood rushed to his groin because he just might be the first meaningful person to do this to the beautiful, stoic man shifting beneath him.
"W-wait…" the whispered word and small noise dragged Mathias out of his thoughts. He didn't realize he'd already unbuckled Berwald's pants and slid them down to his thighs. Mathias lifted an eyebrow, but otherwise discarded the plea. He didn't have the patience for it. A second later, he tossed the pants and boxers to the floor. Pressing a kiss to Berwald's inner thigh, he traveled down to lavish everywhere with affection. His skin tasted salty and sharp. Nothing soft like a woman. Berwald had muscle and taught skin, not rough, but not smooth either.
Berwald grunted, more insistent this time. He grabbed Mathias' wrist and tilted his eyes toward the bedside table. Mathias paused, barely able to pull away, but curiosity finally won out. He pulled open the drawer with his eyes trying to read Berwald. Past the usual things like glasses case, pencils, and paper, Mathias' hand hit a small bottle. He pulled out the lube with an incredulous look. Of all the things he expected to find, it wasn't this. The fact that Berwald kept it floored him. As always, Berwald said nothing. Even if he couldn't say 'I'm ready' with his mouth, he prepared and said it in his own way. All despite his shyness, despite his everything. Mathias' last thread of control broke. He wrenched Berwald forward by the hair and flipped him, pushing his face into the pillow. "Damn you're something else, Ber."
Other than a small surprised noise, Berwald stayed quiet. His strong body twisted, but Mathias held him down. With one hand, he squirted a dollop onto his fingers before pressing two inside. Berwald gasped almost silently, then bit the pillow. His entire body tensed beneath Mathias and only muffled noises escaped as the fingers continued to work their way inside.
"It's okay to let your voice out!" Mathias managed to gasp past his own rapid breaths. Just a little more. He couldn't stand being patient much longer. Berwald pressed his face further into the pillow and his noises stopped entirely. For a dazed half-second Mathias worried, but the way Berwald's insides felt and his obvious erection urged him to continue. He thrust his fingers in deeper and Berwald shuddered. A grin spread over Mathias' face. So you like it like that? He repeated the action and was rewarded with a strangled noise.
"My name…" Mathias turned the other man's head away from the pillow which took a lot more hair pulling than should have been necessary. The darkness hid most of Berwald's expression, but Mathias' still saw the flushed skin, the obscured eyes. He pulled away the forgotten glasses now mashed onto Berwald's face, then pulled him in for a kiss. Mathias spent his time with it. He explored every millimeter he could reach with his tongue, building passion slow, but smoldering. Finally, Mathias pulled away. "Say my name."
Berwald turned away again, closing his eyes. Mathias clenched his jaw. No, this wouldn't do. Now that he realize he wanted it, he wouldn't stop until Berwald called his name. He pulled back and lifted Berwald's hips to a better angle.
"Sorry, I ain't gonna stop." Hardly an apology. Mathias didn't feel sorry at all. He pushed himself all the way inside with one thrust. The bit-back groan rung out louder than before. Mathias shifted his grip. Berwald gasped before he bit down on the pillow again. Even a mouth full of fluff couldn't completely stop his voice when Mathias started to move.
Say my name. I've got to hear your voice. The mantra repeated over and over in Mathias' head. Already a haze existed from their night of drinking, but this new lust, this obsession, added to it. He had to hear Berwald's voice. Nails bit deep into his hips. He angled deeper. Continuously, he moved at the whims of tiny noises. Nothing so distinct as a moan or a word, just huffs and grunts so like the Swede's usual dialogue. Mathias tuned his entire body to reading these noises. He shifted his hands from hips to upper back and dug in his nails. He was rewarded with a higher pitched noise. Grinning, Mathias dragged his nails down the entire length of that trembling back and quickened his thrusts.
"Yeees!" he cried. "That's it. Oh yes moan for me!" Mathias could barely see through the passion clouding his eyes. He only heard a squeak, saw calloused hands clenched in cerulean bedsheets, felt Berwald's entrance tighten around his cock. He was so close. If he could just hear his name, it'd be enough to make him cum.
"Say it."
Nails bit in deeper
"Say it."
Berwald's ragged breaths turned to huffs like a dying man. He still had that god damned pillow between his teeth. It was too much. Mathias was too close. He grabbed Berwald by the hair and wrenched his head back. The pillow fell away as the other man gasped. The closest yet to a cry filtered through before Berwald snapped his mouth shut and somehow quieted himself further. Mathias wasn't having any of that though. He bent down as he pulled Berwald farther back toward him. His tongue darted out before he pressed warm lips to the space behind his lover's ear. He moved up, licking, then bit far less tenderly into Berwald's shoulder. When he dropped his forehead down over the sore spot, his voice took on a more desperate edge.
"Call my name..!" Mathias pleaded. Pressed chest to back as they were, he could kid himself that he heard Berwald's heart beat faster. He slipped one hand up to Berwald's lips, trying to part them. His other hand slipped down between the other's legs and gripped his dripping erection. He loves this that much. Mathias' own body shuddered at the thought. Though he could part Berwald's lips, the man kept his teeth tightly clenched. As Mathias snapped his hips forward harshly, the teeth chattered, nearly parting.
Mathias just closed his eyes and put his all into a spectacular finish. He pumped his hand along Berwald's length as he lavished his neck with little bites and kisses. He mumbled nonsensical words, but they all sounded a bit like 'say it'.
Suddenly, Berwald's body tensed and his mouth opened with a cry.
"Mathias!"
He shuddered with his back arched to the full extent. The second that one word reached Mathias' ears, his own body tensed and he came. A wordless cry ripped out of his mouth. After all the talking, he came without a coherent word before collapsing on Berwald's back. The other man fell silent then, not that Mathias noted this as important. Instead, he gasped for air, hands still clinging tightly to Berwald. Not enough oxygen, not even close. Mathias squeezed his eyes shut before shuddering one last time as he managed to drag in a full deep breath. He shifted his body so he lay half on the bed instead of crushing his lover. The hand on Berwald's face stayed though. He felt no need for words and expressed himself with touches instead.
One hand strayed up the back of Berwald's thigh. "Hmm, 's good right?" Mathias mumbled. His fingers curved over the other man's face, tracing his lips before ghosting over the sharp cheekbones. A few stray tears slicked the skin along with sweat. Mathias hoisted the other man around to revel in his expression. Berwald leaned back against the headboard, blinking furiously and still panting with his face flushed. Though he looked at Mathias, his eyes remained unfocused.
A feeling swept over Mathias, seeing what he could do to this man. He tightened his grip on Berwald's arm before he dived in for a kiss. Tongue and teeth mixed. Mathias tasted blood, but he continued to kiss until he went dizzy with lack of air. Pulling back, he held Berwald in place by his hair, forcing him to return the serious stare. "You're mine now. I'm never going to let you go again. Never." Cobalt eyes flashed, refusing to be denied.
Berwald's eyes widened and for a second, emotion ran freely across his face. His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. Colored red and mouth slightly open, he looked nothing short of awed and dare he say excited. Mathias thought he read that in those abnormally vivid eyes. Definitely mine. He dived in for another kiss, but Berwald exploded into motion. One second, their lips were nearly touching, then Mathias sailed backwards, his arm twisting behind his back as his face collided with the bed. The pain hit him after the surprise. Mathias craned his neck, trying to catch sight of Berwald, but all he saw were blankets.
"What the hell?!" He bit back a cry of pain as Berwald put more weight on his arm. "Ah, you're going to break it! Ber?!" When Berwald gasped in surprise, Mathias couldn't wrap his head around it. He was the one clueless right now and he couldn't help but feel hurt. Berwald attacked him? Berwald didn't attack people, ever. Not in centuries anyway and certainly not to Mathias. Not while in bed. Why?
Berwald snatched his hands away. The springs squeaked and the weight behind Mathias shifted. He sat up, rubbing his arm. Whatever retort he planned on died when he saw Berwald's face. Mathias recoiled. He actually jumped back from the look of pure anger and disgust he saw on his lover's face. Just as quick as the look came, it changed to hurt far more sad and deep than anything he'd seen from across a battlefield. A second more and Berwald's face settled back into stone. All here and gone so fast Mathias doubted his eyes.
"I'm going home," Berwald whispered. Whispered like he couldn't get the words out fast enough or out at all. As if the two actions twisted his throat and he had to force himself to speak. Berwald moved quickly though. Before Mathias understood the situation, he already had his clothes on. He lurched as he moved. Mathias thought he should offer a helping hand, but he didn't move. His arm still stung.
"What…?"
Berwald hesitated at the door, looking back at that one lost word. Running, he's running again. Running faster than he's ever run away from me before. He looked scared. He looked angry. He didn't look like Berwald. Before Mathias could get his mouth to say 'don't go', Berwald slammed the door shut. It bounced back from the excessive force, giving Mathias one last view of his retreating back. "I'm sorry." And he didn't even know for what. If Berwald heard, he didn't return. Mathias found himself more alone than he'd been in centuries.
Why? He kept asking himself. Why would Berwald look at him with such eyes? Their first night together should not go like this. It just got a little…he flashed to the blood he saw welling on Berwald's back before he put his shirt on. He couldn't see them, but he knew bruises would form on his hips and his chin, showing the brutal power of Mathias' fingers. No, this got more than a little rough. He didn't plan for it to go this way with pain and drink. Now, Mathias didn't know what to do or what to think because the one thought that continued to surface made him choke on his own breath.
This is all my fault. He bit back a choked sob as his arms fell limp at his sides. "Did I just ruin us?" He stared ahead with his face stricken. His fingers trembled and his legs threatened to topple him despite the fact he knelt on the bed. Mathias feared right then that he'd done something awful and irreparable without meaning to. He couldn't explain Berwald's reaction in any other way. The thought send Mathias' temper flaring.
"Shit! Why did you invite me if you were going to hurt like that?" He threw his pillow at the door, slamming it fully closed again. That sound of wood against wood shocked him. His hands started to shake. What was he doing? He was turning violent too? He swore he wasn't that person anymore and would never be. The blame crushed down on him though, so he tossed it onto someone else. That's right, he deserved to be angry. Berwald attacked him. That's what Mathias told himself as he threw the covers over his head.
He shuffled down into the bed now cold with his lover's absence. The sweat pants he pulled on formed a barrier between him and the bed. He curved around the cold patch to his right, avoiding that space with obsessive care. He couldn't cross into that space. That space belonged to Berwald. Even if he left, Mathias couldn't touch him, couldn't cross over that line drawn down the bed's length. Awkwardly laying, the minutes ticked by.
He thought the night's events would keep him from falling asleep, but post coital exhaustion caught up with him. Mathias closed his eyes with his mind still whirring. This was just a misunderstanding wasn't it? Somewhere in the depths of Mathias' heart, he didn't believe it for a second.
xXx
When Mathias woke, the cold hit him as strong as any winter freeze. He groaned and shifted, clutching at the object nestled in his arms. "Hm…Berwald. Why're ya so cold?" he groaned without opening his eyes. His head hurt and his body ached, but in the familiar, pleasant way that came from drinking. The familiarity soothed him, but like a slow buzz, reality crept in. Oh god.
Berwald wasn't here. When Mathias opened his eyes, only a pillow lay in his arms. The cold turned three notches lower. Not even the coldest winter in Greenland matched this. He woke alone with no signs of his lover in the room or the rest of the house. He could almost believe the night before didn't happen except for the stained sheets. "Shit, I should…" he reached for his phone, but changed his mind. Better to do this in person. His alarm for work rung out five minutes after waking, so Mathias showered and made himself a plain breakfast. The entire while, he operated as if on autopilot. Was he supposed to apologize in this situation? Maybe, but only if Berwald apologized first. And if he didn't? This was exactly why Mathias didn't want to fall in love with family—it was just too damn complicated in the workplace. Mathias sighed. It would be a long day. Grabbing his stuff, he headed out the door.
Mathias saw Berwald's car in the lot. When he entered the main area, he found only Lukas on his way back from the break room, coffee in hand. He waved to the younger man in greeting as always. Lukas had a silent way of dealing with him most days, especially in the morning. Mathias poured his own cup, half expecting to find Berwald in the little kitchenette. He wasn't there though. Mathias shrugged this off. He probably arrived early like the overachieving freak he was and already settled into his office. Mathias did the same, taking his coffee to the small room across the hall from Lukas.
They each had their own office, not that they always occupied them. They had work to do in their own countries and meetings to attend all over the world. But when they could, the family stayed together. Mathias left his door open as always. Today though, he dearly hoped someone would interrupt his work. He cast his eye down to the far office with its door left cracked open one inch.
Mathias expected Berwald to drop by. He nervously waited for it to the point he couldn't work. They had a long-standing policy of apologizing when they did wrong. One didn't go looking for it, but waited until the other swallowed their pride enough. They both understood the difficulty and significance of 'sorry'. Mathias' waiting did no good though. Every time Lukas passed outside his door, he jumped. When he entered the break room, or used the copy machine, he kept seeing ghosts on the edge of his vision. When he turned, the vision would be gone. Always an empty room or Lukas. He wasn't staring at him, so why did Mathias feel so jumpy? Why did he never run into Berwald?
At first, he thought they just kept missing each other. These things happened. Mathias had his work to do and Berwald had his, and they didn't necessarily match up. Berwald stayed in his office most days, but when Mathias poked his head in, he found it empty. Maybe he just went to get coffee. Mathias passed the break room and once again, caught movement to his right. This time, he saw Berwald's back, eyes glued to his paper as he sipped a drink. Mathias called out, but Berwald already turned the corner. He just didn't hear. That was all.
This continued though. Catching glances, always missing each other. Lunch passed and Mathias had yet to catch Berwald. Even when he went out of his way to track the man down, he barely saw his back. Mathias knew it wasn't him either. When he asked Lukas if he talked to Berwald, he received a weird look. They were acting like their usual selves. Only Mathias, Berwald only went out of his way to avoid him. He couldn't stop the stab of pain at the thought. Mathias gave up on an apology at that point. Obviously he did something wrong first so they were even. He just wanted to talk this out with Berwald.
He wandered aimlessly through the office building, totally absorbed by this thought. Without warning, Mathias crashed into something and tumbled down. "Berwald…" He stared up at his beautiful lion who looked too composed compared to him. He still held a pile of papers and no expression. Without a word, he offered his hand to Mathias. Berwald cleared his throat when the two stood face to face. He turned to walk away. At the last second, Mathias grabbed his hand. "Why're you avoiding me?"
Berwald blinked furiously. "Not avoiding ya. Just busy." Mathias couldn't decide if he believed that. Berwald looked at ease next to him, more at ease than Mathias felt. But hell, it took effort not to run into each other until now. He shook his head. Why didn't matter. He needed to take advantage of them being together now.
"Then…can you talk a minute? Is your body okay?" Mathias started. Berwald grunted and nodded in the barest of ways. Mathias breathed out a sigh of relief. At least that was out of the way. "What happened last night? Did I…do something to piss ya off? If so, just punch me and get it over with!"
Berwald opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. A noise started in the back of his throat, but right when it seemed like he would speak, Lukas walked into the room. The shorter blonde observed them with his ice-dagger eyes. "What's up with you?" The two jumped apart, Mathias nearly falling on his bottom again. That gaze held them in place, Mathias freezing like a guilty child and Berwald like a defiant soldier. After a minute of silence, Lukas raised an eyebrow. Whatever conclusions he jumped to, he kept to himself.
"Tino called me just now. Emil's come down with the recession and he offered to stay over and nurse him to health. He wanted to know why Berwald didn't answer his phone," Lukas added with a sly look over at the tall man.
Berwald's eyes jumped down, all of his defiance fading faster than a human's life. "F'rgot to charge it." Rather than apologetic, he sounded surprised, bothered. Mathias reached for him instinctively. Berwald's eyes widened and he clutched his papers tighter. "I'll bring their work to 'em," he muttered as he moved to the other two offices and stuffed everything he could find into his leather bag, all the while avoiding eye contact. He moved with the calculating purpose of a man with a mission, except Mathias recognized the slightly quickened step. Berwald was running away.
"…Ber," Mathias started. The man walked for the elevator before he could finish. Mathias turned to go after him, but he only managed to take one step.
"Idiot bror. Where do you think you're going?" Lukas shoved something at him that needed signed. Mathias stared down at the paper without comprehension before looking up. Deep blue eyes sharpened. Mathias tried to keep his expression innocent. He didn't think he did a very good job of it. "I'm not going to do all the work by myself. Now get to it!" Mathias couldn't deny that tone so he drifted to his desk and sat, pulling documents toward him with less thrill than usual. They continued the day like that. Just the two of them in silence and both growing more irritable with each passing minute. The moment the clock hit five, signaling the end of official work hours, Mathias slammed his pen down.
"See ya, Lukas," he hissed even though he threw on his usual 'idiot grin' as Lukas called it. He knew he looked more depraved and wild than happy—a feral grin like the one from the past, filled with anger and pain. Too many years cornered like a wounded wolf, living off and learning to love the taste of blood, turned him into that creature. This time though, the feelings turned inwards as if he could chew his own leg off to purify the whole. Right then, he decided to corner Berwald. He would make the man talk even if he didn't want to because Mathias couldn't take another day of walking on blade shaped eggshells. He needed to know what they were fighting about.
The first three calls, Berwald didn't answer. After that, Mathias started leaving voice messages that varied from pleading, to angry, to apologetic. Though he did want to apologize in person, Mathias was running out of options. Of course, after eight calls in one hour, he gave up. He would just do this in person. A quick call to Tino informed him that Berwald left for home not long ago. Good, Mathias wanted to have this conversation in private. The entire drive, Mathias wrung his hands along the wheel. Worrying his lip between his teeth did nothing to lessen his stress. All the questions in his mind continued to swirl around because he refused to think them, not all the way.
Mathias reached the modest home first. On another day, he might have used the key he wasn't supposed to have and entered, but today that felt like a violation. Instead, he camped out by his car and smoked a cigarette. Sure enough, Berwald's car slid up the driveway just as his smoke burned down. He tossed the butt aside and watched the parked car. Another minute passed with nothing happening. Berwald sat with his seatbelt still on, but Mathias knew he couldn't stay there all day. Berwald knew it too. He wasn't the type to run away this blatantly but if Mathias pushed, he would just resist more. Instead, he rummaged for his pack of smokes again, wondering if he would need another to pass the time. Hr hated to smoke more than one a day though. His patience paid off before he decided.
Berwald stepped past with eyes straight ahead. Mathias hurried into step behind him. "H-hey, don't ignore me. We need to talk." He slid in front of the door. If Berwald got inside, Mathias would lose him. He really didn't want to break into his lover's house. Berwald tensed a foot away. Sunlight reflected off his glasses to hide the sea-like eyes behind. Mathias leaned forward to see them, but Berwald's lips tightened until they went white and his fists clenched. Mathias sighed and stayed back. "Even you can't deny we need to talk about this," he whispered.
Mathias bit his lip again. He needed to hear the truth from Berwald. If he wanted time apart, fine. Fine? Mathias wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake until Berwald said he wanted him again. Seeing the other man like this choked him up too much to speak any more. Mathias just stood there like a kicked puppy masquerading as a wall. Berwald could push him away without effort if he wanted to. He just turned his head away though, hands hanging limp at his side. The house key jingled. "Don't wanna."
Mathias growled. He almost pushed back from the door and forced Berwald to talk to him. The second his temper flared, he remembered the look on Berwald's face last night. Instead, Mathias' heart just broke. Neither moved until Berwald stepped forward and placed his hands on Mathias' shoulders. He looked up with hope in his eyes, but he saw nothing in Berwald's gaze. Hard cold stones stared at him, as unreadable as always. Mathias thought he learned long ago how to read the man and his closed-off ways, but he found himself flashing back to a stranger who stared him down across a flow of ice, sword raised in challenge. Mathias couldn't help but suppress a shudder at the sight of that forgotten face.
In one movement, Berwald shifted him to the side, then moved to the door. The key slipped into the lock. Mathias watched, still reeling. When Berwald pushed the door open, he snapped back to reality. "Wait!" He grabbed the other man's wrist. Berwald tilted his head back, neither pulling farther away or closer. He stayed in the doorway like the perfect metaphor for indecisiveness. Mathias wanted to smack himself for noticing symbolism now. "Will you at least answer one question?"
Berwald turned to face Mathias, as always moving without hurry. He had a seamless grace that resembled a tank turret spinning rather than a ballerina. The jerk of his nod didn't match. Mathias let go of his wrist and Berwald stayed, waiting. He might have been kidding himself, but he thought Berwald's cheeks looked a little pink. Mathias swallowed hard. No time to kid himself now. "Did you hate having sex with me?"
Those blue-green eyes went wide. Berwald's flush couldn't be denied any longer, or the beads of sweat that rolled down his neck despite the cool air. Hope fluttered inside of Mathias. He reached for Berwald's hand again. At the last second, the hand pulled away and past the doorway. Only one choked word made it out. "Yes!" Then Berwald slammed the door in Mathias' face.
Yes? His mind blanked. Nothing, absolutely nothing. Mathias slid to the ground and buried his face against his knees. Despite wanting to cry, he couldn't. Nothing swept over him but numbness. He should have felt pain and sorrow because their perfect night together turned into a drunken disaster. He loved Berwald so long. Would it end like this? Could he get Berwald to forgive him? No…he didn't even deserve that after putting the one he loved through such an awful experience. He did something wrong, hurt him, took him when he didn't want it. It may not have seemed that way at the time, but Mathias decided that's exactly what this was.
Even if Berwald initiated this, that didn't mean a thing. Mathias had been around this world long enough to know how a good thing could turn bad in an instant and all be his fault. Of course Berwald didn't say no. He never said anything and Mathias hadn't been in a state to listen. He, the self proclaimed protector of his brothers, forced Berwald. The rejection could mean nothing else.
xXx
Mathias considered avoiding the office. He did the first day after, having called his boss to feign illness. As if countries could get sick in the same way humans could, but no one ever understood that. He was given a stern warning and an odd fatherly sort of order to get well. Hearing such words from one of his children made Mathias want to laugh, but he felt soothed after the call, enough to get out of bed anyway. He may not have been sick, but his head felt full of cobwebs and his chest tight, eyes itchy, and his mouth dry. He stumbled to the fridge and started his day with bread and beer.
The next day, Tino called to check in on him. He heard from Mathias' boss about being ill and offered his concern, but 'I didn't think Denmark was having any trouble now'. Mathias sighed loudly and explained he played hooky. Tino could mother a person like something between a hawk and a bear—all observant eyes and warmth, grace and brutal strength. Having that hovering over him sent Mathias into a momentary panic. He did not put it past Tino to invite himself over and find the problem himself. Mathias couldn't let him find out. Anyone but him. Tino still cared for Berwald in an ex-boyfriend, platonic sort of way. Mathias might have deserved a little wrath, but he didn't want to hurt Tino or Berwald even more. This would stay a secret.
Unfortunately, that meant Mathias had to deny there was a problem at all. With no problem, he had no reason to skimp on work. Lukas would kill him anyway. That all led to him walking into the office with his hair worse than usual and a scowl on his face. The conversation ceased instantly. Tino worried his lip. Lukas watched. Emil played a game on his phone under the desk, showing far less concern than his brothers. Mathias preferred to be by him. The only thing that made the situation tolerable was the total absence of Berwald. Tino did mention he left work early yesterday, so with any luck, he wouldn't show up today.
Then, Mathias never did do well with luck. The stack of paper he carried clattered to the floor. Berwald stepped back from him as if a bubble existed there he couldn't cross into. He nearly bounced backwards. Mathias wondered if their magnetic cores switched overnight, or was it just him? The empty hall felt twice as empty as before. Berwald stood two feet away and there might as well have been a chasm between them. Without touching they managed to collide. In reality, Mathias dropped his work from surprise not a crash.
"S'y…" Berwald grunted, far less intelligibly than usual. Mathias dropped down to snatch at his papers which kept jumping away from his hand. Why couldn't he coordinate ten fingers like a normal person? Slowly, Berwald bent down and gathered the last few sheets to set on the pile, all with that bubble between his hand and Mathias'. He swallowed hard.
"A-anyway, I need to go turn these in. Lukas is…waiting 'n…" Great, now Mathias couldn't speak words worth shit either. He clutched the papers to his chest as he avoided Berwald's eyes. Say something, anything. Either of them! He couldn't make himself speak any more than he could make Berwald. He wanted nothing more than to talk before, but now he just wanted to get the hell out of the room before he exploded with frustration or tears. Or threw up. He turned into a wimp these last few centuries, so that's why he ran away. "You're behind on your work too, right?" he snapped to toss up another wall between them. Without waiting for an answer, he skirted his way around the other man.
Berwald whined this horrible sort of noise. Mathias's eyes shot wide and he damn near squeaked. When Berwald lurched forward, his twitching hand reaching out, all Mathias could think was 'he's going to hit me!'
"Don't touch me!" Mathias vacated the hall with the quickest non-running step possible. He ran straight for his office and slammed the door shut. Without turning on the lights, he slipped to the floor and spilled his papers all over again. Hands over his head, he groaned. "Why the hell did I say that? Idiot, idiot..!" He beat the heel of his hand into his forehead in time with his thoughts. Idiot, idiot, idiot. He just freaked though. They were separated by magnetic forces, then Berwald came lunging for him. Mathias would never live this down. He should have been trying to improve the situation but he went and did the opposite. As he raced past, he caught that wild, emotion filled look in Berwald's eyes. He should have stopped to read them, but he just ran. To elicit emotion like that never boded well.
Lukas narrowed his eyes when Mathias finally did bring him the papers. Those cobalt eyes roved up and down. Mathias felt naked under them. He wanted to squirm or use the framed picture of baby Emil as a shield. He did not need Lukas' soul-reading eyes getting at his secrets, because he would. If anyone could discern an entire week's events from a man's face, it was him.
"…ed wrong."
"Hm?" Mathias noticed Lukas speaking too late. He focused so intently on blanking his face that his ears stopped working.
"You spelled your name wrong."
His eyes widened. "What? Seriously?!" Mathias dived forward to snatch the paper out of his younger brother's hands. Lukas hissed at the action, but Mathias half-noticed at best. Sure enough, his 'a' and 'i' switched places. He couldn't discern the letters in his last name at all. "Shit, do you have white out?" Lukas didn't answer so he looked up. "Come on. You're acting weird, bro. I know you have white out," he complained.
That snapped Lukas into action. He huffed with an eye roll you could see across an ocean. He yanked open one drawer then slapped the little bottle into Mathias' hand. "Did you get hit on the head or something?"
Mathias lathed on a strip of white then fluttered the paper to dry. "No. Why?" He managed a smile now. Lukas made it easier with his insultive nature, always thinking Mathias didn't notice being targeted. Mathias just didn't care. Go ahead, tell me I took too many axe blows to the head. Lukas gave up on trying to read him and Mathias didn't feel like he would crack. It didn't matter what Lukas said as long as it wasn't, 'I know what you did.'
"You're stupider than usual today."
Score! Lukas was too predictable. If there was an opening, he would take it no matter how down Mathias felt. Mathias grinned with fire-bright eyes as he threw back his head with laughter. "Aw, is Lukas worried about me?" he cooed as he patted the shorter blonde's head. "You're so sweet. Maybe you'll buy me lunch?"
Lukas' lips twitched. Mathias doubted towards a smile. "Don't push your luck."
At a quarter past noon, the pair of brothers stood inside a cafe as Lukas bought them lunch. They sat in silence, which Mathias appreciated. He guessed Lukas had questions. That kid hated to get involved though and he wouldn't, even if they begged him to. In the end, that afternoon spent together in peace was the best Mathias felt in days.
xx
The situation did not get better. The next day, when Mathias got to the office early, he found only Berwald. Normally he would relish the time alone with his love, but now he hesitated to enter the same room as him. No one else around to temper his feelings, to stop a fight, or to stop one of them from crying—because neither would cry in front of another.
Mathias couldn't stand in front of the door forever though. He pushed it open and entered the warm air that sent tingles up his arms and down the hairs of his neck. Berwald continued to read through a document, so Mathias cleared his throat. "Morning. I…um…" He didn't have time to express anything before Berwald set his documents down. No, set wasn't the right word. Berwald's arms strained with the effort to not slam the stack down, but the edges of the paper still curled up and fluttered with the force.
"Cuse me," Berwald grunted before he pushed past the other male. Even someone unused to reading Berwald could read the tension in those words. Mathias stayed rooted to the spot, burning inside from that chilly tone. Unlike how most people read Berwald, Mathias read warmth and flustered confusion where others read intimidation. Now he heard the Berwald of centuries past. Such a tone now drove all his fears home. They both whirled out of the room at the same time, running for opposite doors. And that was the last they spoke the entire week.
Lukas or Tino became a middle man. Mathias would slip into one of their office's, eyes shifty above the dark circles, then hand over his papers. "For Sweden," he would say. Berwald's name hurt too much to say. He received his paperwork in the same way. Joint meetings were attended by neither. Hate, so much hate thrown his way. He avoided Berwald with the same strength though, so who could he blame? Mathias practically ran at the thought of being in the same room as Berwald. He couldn't sleep, barely ate. Hell, even breathing came with difficulty. Why did it have to hurt so much to know Berwald hated him or that he was the reason for it? He could stomach the hate; it wouldn't be the first. But to know he hurt Berwald and deserved this—that kept Mathias up at night, twisting in an endless daymare.
By the time Friday rolled around, no one wanted to be in the office. Lukas took to shooting Mathias a dirty look before he even stepped inside. Tino, bless him, tried to help. Emil actually took one step inside, gagged at the oppressive atmosphere, and ran back out. His stomach cramps were life threatening after all. Mathias started to get comfortable with this new life when Lukas slammed his office door shut.
"Come to my place at six," he bit out. Mathias nodded his head because he had no choice. Even if he wanted to fight, in this state Peter could beat him. At five past six, he knocked on his younger brother's door. Lukas led the way down a hall, which Mathias noted somewhere in the back of his mind only because he didn't remember anything being this direction.
"Um…why exactly-?" Mathias never finished his thought because they turned the corner. "Plan ta tell me why I'm in front of 'n empty closet?" Berwald faced a closed door as he spoke. He didn't turn at their approach, or Lukas' approach really. Mathias froze two yards away. It sounded like Berwald expected Lukas, not him, which could only mean one thing.
"Oh hell no! You tricked me!" Mathias screeched. Berwald whirled to face him, but Mathias already shot back the way they came. Lukas grabbed him before he made two steps and he shoved Mathias into the closet door next to the rigid Berwald who looked more like a deer than a lion. "Lukas!"
"Shut it." Both men submitted to that tone. Beneath the cold bite hid anger that was just as deadly as anyone's in their family. Lukas stalked toward them, grinning without any light in his eyes. "I'm sick of whatever's going on between you two. I don't care what it is, I just want it over. It's affecting our work and frankly, it's pissing me off. Now, you can talk here like civilized beings or I'm going to lock you in that closet and spell it until you do!"
"The hell you are!" Mathias gasped. Had Lukas lost his mind? "There's no way we'll fit in your closet!"
Lukas' grin turned feral. "Let's see about that." Something crashed into Mathias and he tumbled into darkness. Someone grunted after him and he rolled just in time to avoid Berwald. The door! He jumped forward just as it slammed shut, nearly on his hand. Mathias yelped then stood there gaping. Murmurs echoed from the outside, then golden light flared, settling into a seal around the door frame. "Until you make up, you're trapped. Bye." Footsteps, then silence. The two trapped men traded looks.
Berwald furrowed his brows. Mathias just shook his head as if to say I can't believe it either. "Lukas, what the hell bro!" He pounded on the door. "We promise to behave. You're going too far. We're cool, right Ber? Isn't that what you want to hear?" Mathias' voice crawled up an octave. He'd confess to begging. Not the hysterics, even as he reached for Berwald with a laugh. Berwald stared at him and Mathias dropped his hand. He waited another minute even though he guessed Lukas left. When the response never came, he dropped back against the door and groaned, pulling fistfuls of his hair. "Damn that Lukas. Do you want me to break the door down?"
"…Won't help," Berwald grunted. He gestured toward the seal looking a bit helpless to explain. Mathias eyed the magical light and just sighed. Lukas' spell probably accounted for his destructive tendencies. He dropped his hands back to his sides. Despite the small space, they stood as far away as possible which meant a foot and a half. Mathias couldn't even blame Berwald because he did it too, hugging his wall like he needed it.
"Well…I guess…I mean, we do need to talk. Seriously Berwald. What the hell happened to us?"
Berwald shook his head furiously. He murmured a small no and held up a hand as if to push Mathias away without touching him. It worked because Mathias huddled himself further into the corner. When he realized what he was doing though, anger and disgust flashed through him. This wasn't him—this pathetic, scared, self-hating person. He jumped off the wall and dismissed Berwald with a frantic hand. "Ah, never mind. That's probably the wrong thing to say. Let us out, Lukas!" Mathias yelled with a kick to the door. The wood flexed then snapped back into him. His foot twinged so that he grit his teeth and collapsed back to the wall.
"No."
Berwald picked at his shirt hem. He looked tense, though not as bad as Mathias. His eyes stared somewhere under Mathias' shoulder rather than at his face, but at least he got that close. Mathias half expected him to stare at his hands. Could Berwald be any worse at interacting? "No what?!" he snapped back in exasperation. For a second, he wondered why he fell in love with this man. Through centuries of changing times, Mathias' love shifted form, but never stopped, always grew. His sudden questioning shocked him to the heart. Mathias clutched at his chest, dizziness overcoming him. What am I thinking? Of course I still love him, maybe even more now than before. That's why this hurts so much. He dragged in a deep breath. "If you want to break up with me, say it out right for once! Say it. Say you hate me." All his bitterness and frustration and hurt expelled in one breath. "I won't be able to let go of you otherwise."
Berwald gasped. Hands clenched around Mathias', pulling them away from his face. "I don't hate ya!" Mathias lifted his eyes in surprise. No response came to mind. For once, Berwald had all the words. "Stop tryin' ta leave me."
"Ber…" He couldn't believe his ears. He didn't believe them at all. His heart soared, but his mind kept doubting. The breathless, dizzying beat of his heart never lessened so he ended up clinging to Berwald's hands. He didn't want to fall. He would melt into the tiles never to be found otherwise. Berwald just stared at him, shifting his grip to Mathias' forearms to hold him up better. He couldn't help but notice the bubble of space still between them. Was that on purpose or not? He was so close, close enough to touch. Mathias found himself moving before he thought about it. One hand brushed along Berwald's face. He stayed there like that, barely touching, both frozen. Finally he cupped the other man's cheek.
Berwald flinched, muscles jumping beneath Mathias' fingers. This time, neither pulled away. Mathias smoothed his fingers along the skin to calm the tension away. Berwald felt like fire under him, surely blushing all the way to his ears again. Maybe, just maybe this wasn't the end. "You still want to be with me?"
With hands still framing Berwald's face, he felt him nod. Mathias shifted, too aware of himself and Berwald and the small distance between them. His heart beat thundered too loud for this amount of space. It made it hard to hear Berwald hum. He lifted one hand to cover Mathias' and then he leaned into the touch. Mathias' heart stopped right then and there. "Never didn't want ya."
Mathias closed his eyes, lost in absorbing even this tiny bit of contact. "Then…what has this past week been? You said you hated it! You fuckin' attacked me!" He tried to pull back his hand, but Berwald wouldn't let him. The tall blonde grunted low in his throat, making that strangled 'I have no idea how to answer your question' noise that Mathias knew so well. His eyes darted away. The grip on Mathias' hand turned into a desperate clutch.
"…Was angry 't myself!" Berwald managed to choke out. After Mathias laced their fingers together, he continued. "Got scared 'n embarrassed. When ya said ya owned me, I felt so happy. How can I be happy fer somethin' like that? S'not me." He shook his head, but he still wasn't done. He gestured down to himself. Only then did he pull away. "I didn't want to call yer name. Didn't want to lose control. I got so weird all moaning 'n twisting under ya! 'N ya said not to touch ya, so I thought…must've done something wrong. I grossed ya out 'cause I loved when yer rough with me. I…god, what's wrong with me?"
Berwald traveled back to the far side of the closet as he talked. His heavy breaths filled the silence that didn't last long. Mathias let out the breath that caught in his lungs since Berwald started speaking. "I think I just fell in love all over again," he whispered.
Berwald looked up sharply. Mathias wrapped his arms around him and just leaned with his head buried between neck and shoulder. He stood there snuggled up until Berwald relaxed and one arm crawled around to keep Mathias in place. That hand spread across the small of his back sent shockwaves of warmth across his entire body. "Why?" Berwald asked.
Mathias smiled at that. "Because you get embarrassed and insecure. I'm the dirty one," he added with an eye roll. "I got so hung up on you knowing it was me doing that to ya that I'd have done anything. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to keep my hands out of your pants for a whole month?!" A sharp pinch at his side served as an answer. Mathias yelped, swatting at the offending hand.
"Then why say not to touch ya?" Berwald asked, circumventing back to the conversation when Mathias was more than willing to drop it. He turned his head to the other side where Berwald couldn't read his eyes.
"Because your eyes were all emotional! I flashed back to the past and…ran like a sissy," he snapped, though without conviction. He had to force himself to say it, but if Berwald talked, he couldn't very well shut up. The cosmic balance would shift too much. Mathias's eyes flashed and he pulled Berwald down to eye level. He had no intention of turning wimp again. "You better not tell anyone about this. It was a minor lapse in judgement! Lack of sleep! I mean, you were really scary then. I can totally beat you up, but we're dating, so that would be wrong. I swear that's it!"
Mathias groaned. He hated saying this. Even burying his face in his hands didn't lessen the blow. He totally hated himself, or at least felt disgusted. Did love really have to turn everyone into idiots because he and Berwald took the saying to new levels. It was embarrassing. A low chuckle made Mathias peek between his fingers. One side of Berwald's lips quirked up in smirk. "I'm still just as fierce."
Gods yes, you are. Mathias groaned again for a different reason. "Are you trying to drive me insane?!" he yelped. Berwald stared at him in confusion before Mathias jumped him. Arms wrapped around the taller man as he crashed their lips together. Mathias easily dominated the kiss and Berwald let him. He twisted a hand in the wild mane of hair, pulling Mathias to a better angle. Mathias rocked his hips against the other man, then thrust a knee between his legs. Berwald moaned into the kiss. They pulled apart, gasping for air. Mathias moved his lips to Berwald's neck, whispering against the flesh.
"I love you. I love you so much, Berwald…" He couldn't say it enough times. He finally had the man in his hands again, willing and responding. Berwald only hummed in response to the confession. Now that Mathias thought about it, this was the first time he said it so outright. For a second, panic flashed through him. He looked up to see how Berwald reacted, but the man just chuckled, nipping at Mathias' ear. He found himself grinning. So that was his answer. "Let's get out of here and find a bed." He rubbed himself against the other man again to show just how badly he needed this.
Berwald twisted away to the door. He had that grin on his face again, the one you'd miss if not looking carefully. The grin that gave Mathias dreams late at night. "Me too." The door opened without complaint and Berwald walked into the hall. He moved straight for the guest room and Mathias just gaped after him. Me too?Me too what? Berwald nearly passed out of sight before Mathias' eyes went wide. God.
Love. Berwald loved Mathias back. The wild-haired man groaned and doubled over, hands over his crotch. He was so painfully hard from two words. "Wait!" Mathias stumbled out of the closet. Berwald didn't turn, but Mathias swore he heard another chuckle. "Oh my god, you! Quit doing this to me!"
(Because I've needed an excuse for Lukas to lock those two in a closet for so long.)