A/N: Welcome to the story! I have been wanting to write something like this for a long time; a story which takes a look at Jess' life before he moved to Stars Hollow. Some will of course be inspired by what we hear in the show (although the information is sometimes inconsistent), and some will be imagined up by me. Shit's gonna get real dark real fast, though. You've been warned.
Synopsis: Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way they are. Dark Pre-GG. Jess-centric.
Rating: T for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters. Rating will probably go up eventually. At the start of any chapters containing particularly sensitive material, I will post a trigger warning accordingly.
FYI: Keeping with the canon timeline, Jess was born in 1984. Keep that mind to figure out his age at any given time in the story, as I will rarely reference it otherwise.
Liberty Harbor
By Imagine Backstory
Chapter One
Brooklyn, 1989
Jess thinks he can remember a time when Mama was happy.
He's not sure if the memory is real or not. All he has is a mental image of her smiling down at him, her long hairs tickling his cheek. The memory is from when he was little, that's why it's all he can remember. He doesn't know where they were, he doesn't know who else was there. But he holds onto it dearly all the same.
There's always someone else there.
Jess lies in bed. It's shaped like a big red racecar. He doesn't like racecars. He'd sooner play with toy soldiers than Hot Wheels. But John has other ideas.
"He's a boy," John will say when he sits at the breakfast table, drinking yucky black liquid from a plain white mug. "Boys like cars." The big ring on his pinky finger flashes under the kitchen light as he takes another sip from the mug. Jess will look down at his cereal and continue to separate the red and green Rice Krispies from the white. Mama got him the cereal before Christmas. It's stale now. Jess doesn't want to eat it, but he will anyway, so John won't yell.
And Mama will nod solemnly in agreement while she cooks bacon in a frying pan.
Jess stares at the plastic stars glued to the ceiling. They're supposed to glow in the dark, but they have dimmed over time. He counts them again. Jess doesn't count sheep to fall asleep; he counts the stars on his ceiling. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't, like tonight. He can't sleep. It's too noisy.
Mama and John are next door. It's too noisy.
Jess pulls his blankets tighter around him and buries his head back into his pillow.
He has school tomorrow. Jess likes school. He likes being outside of the house. He likes colouring and nap time and he likes it when Miss Haveram reads to the class. Miss Haveram is wonderful. She sits on a stool and lets the kids sit on the floor around her, and she lets them take turns choosing which book to read-a whole book! Her voice is always calm and clear. She doesn't yell like John. She's not quiet and raspy like Mama.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
It's too noisy.
Jess rolls over. He plays the game where he stuffs his face against his pillow and counts how long it takes for his chest to start hurting. Tonight, he reaches a new record. Thirty-nine seconds. When he emerges, he's breathless. He rests his chin on the pillow and gazes out the window over his bed. The racecar bed.
Suddenly, it's quiet.
Jess finally falls asleep.
Jess decided he didn't like John a long time ago.
Mama assured him that John is good. John gave them their house and Jess' toys. John makes sure they eat every day. John makes Mama feel special. John is good.
John doesn't make Jess feel special. John makes Jess feel small.
But Jess isn't small. Maybe on the outside, but Jess knows on the inside he's not small. His brain is bigger than the other kindergartners. Maybe his brain is bigger than John's. Jess knows this, Mama probably knows this too. But they don't tell John.
When Jess comes home from school, Mama isn't there. Mama's always there. Instead, John is there. Alone. No Mama. Jess is confused.
Jess is scared.
"Sit down," John tells Jess when he walks into the living room, his backpack weighing his small body down.
Jess turns over onto the outer edges of his feet. Batman grimaces up at him from the inside of his shoe. John gestures to the big leather armchair Jess isn't normally allowed to sit in. For a moment, Jess forgets he's scared and he clamours up into the seat, excited and feeling nice and big.
Jess glances around. The living room looks so different from up here.
The clock ticks in the kitchen.
"Where's Mama?" Jess asks around the strap of his back pack, which he has taken up the habit of chewing on.
John fingers a small glass of what looks like iced tea. "She's out." He's smiling, but not with his eyes. "She'll be back soon."
"Okay." Jess glances around as John takes a big sip of his drink.
John is good. John gives them their house.
The clock ticks in the kitchen.
"How was school?" John asks. He is staring at Jess over the rim of his glasses. Mama says John wears glasses because he can't see very well. Jess thinks John wears glasses because he's old.
Jess continues to chew on his backpack strap. "Good."
"Did Miss Haveram read to you today?"
Jess nods his head. "It was my turn to pick the book," he says quietly.
"Well, that's exciting," says John, but he doesn't sound excited. He sounds tired. His words run together the way Jess' sometimes do when he's sleepy. Jess is sleepy today because of the noise last night, but he wants to sound more awake than John. He sits up taller in his seat, still thrilled to be sitting on the throne of the living room. "What book did you pick?"
"Charlotte's Web," Jess replies proudly. He doesn't sound sleepy.
The clock ticks in the kitchen.
"That's a good choice." John finishes his drink and stands up to get some more. He goes to the cupboard Jess isn't allowed to touch. Jess watches with wide eyes, his teeth stilling on his backpack strap, as John reveals what's inside: glass bottles. Some big, some small. Some of them are almost empty. Some look like they have iced tea in them. Some look like it's just water.
John gets his drink and sits back down on the sofa across from Jess. "Where's Mama?" Jess asks again.
"I said she'll be home soon," John snaps, glaring at Jess.
Jess shrinks into the leather throne.
The clock ticks in the kitchen.
Jess hears the familiar sound of Mama's car in the driveway. He scrambles out of his seat, wanting to run to the window so he can watch Mama come home, but John grabs the loop at the top of Jess' backpack and holds him still. Jess squirms, protesting with a small whine. "Shh," John hisses. It's a mean, harsh sound. Jess feels like he might cry.
The front door bursts open and Mama strides in. She looks almost as scared as Jess. She stops in the doorway and reaches one arm out towards Jess, the other hand on the doorknob. "Come here, Jess," she calls, reaching for him.
Jess tries to run to Mama, but John holds him back. Jess screeches and twists, trying to get his arms out from the straps, but John is holding him too tight.
Mama is crying. "Let him go, John," she says in her scariest, quietest voice. Her lip quivers.
"Liz, let's talk about this rationally," says John, ignoring Jess, who continues to writhe in his grasp at his side.
"Fuck your rationality!" Liz yells. Jess jumps. Mama has never yelled before. It's always John who yells. "Tell me, John, was what you did rational? Huh?"
The clock ticks in the kitchen.
"Where will you go?" John asks calmly. "You have nowhere to go, Liz. You have nothing without me."
"I don't care," Mama cries. "I just need to get out of here." She stretches her hand farther, trying to reach Jess. Jess reaches for her, too, but John grabs both his arms and holds him back. Jess feels his arm twist uncomfortably and he lets out a low squeak of pain. "Let him go, John!" Mama shrieks.
"Mama!" Jess screams, reaching for her. John puts a hand over Jess mouth. Jess licks John's hand. He hears John grunt in disgust, but he doesn't let go.
"I swear to god, John, if you hurt him, I'll kill you," says Mama. Her scary voice is back.
Jess thinks about his memory of happy Mama. Smiling down at him. Her hair tickling his face.
Jess wonders if Mama will ever be happy again.
The clock ticks in the kitchen.
Jess is awake.
He counts the stars on the ceiling. Forty-seven.
The racecar bed isn't comfy anymore. It never really was.
Jess turns over and puts his face on the pillow. He counts to forty before his chest hurts so badly he almost cries. He doesn't cry, though. He won't cry.
It's dark outside. He gazes out the window. He can't see much because of the big old tree outside; the branches were bare and in the way of his view of the street below.
The door creaks open. Jess turns over, surprised, and then is relieved when he sees it's Mama. She's not in her pajamas. She's dressed for outside. And she's holding Jess' jacket in her hands.
"Mama-?" Jess goes to ask, but Mama puts a finger to her lips, signaling for silence. There was something in the air and Jess obeys Mama without a second thought. He is quiet.
Mama helps Jess get dressed and put on his jacket. She puts clothes in his backpack and zips it up, then reaches for his hand. She's leading him to the door when he stops, tugging her back, and points mournfully at his bookshelf. Dozens of unread pages have a home there. Jess doesn't want to leave them behind. He looks at Mama pleadingly, but she slowly shakes her head no.
Just before Mama pulls Jess out of his room, he turns around and wordlessly says good-bye to the stars on his ceiling.
Jess won't cry.
Mama cries, but Jess won't cry.
She cries the whole time they're in her car. Jess doesn't know where they're going, but he doesn't ask. He looks out the window. It's dark and quiet outside. The yellow streetlamps streak by them, illuminating the inside of the car at regular intervals. Jess' breath makes foggy stains on the window. He doesn't draw in them though. John doesn't like it when Jess draws on the window.
They drive for a long time. Jess goes to sleep. Mama cries.
He wakes when she gently moves his shoulder. She isn't crying anymore. She's doing her best to smile.
Mama gets out of the car and comes around to help Jess get out. She lets him take his backpack and she takes her own bag, then his hand. She leads him across a wide street. Jess glances around curiously, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. Everything is so much smaller here. Jess barely has to lift his head to see the tops of the buildings; back near John's house, he had to tilt his head all the way back to see the tops of the skyscrapers. In the distance, warm twinkle lights glisten invitingly, strung up in the trees and on a structure in the middle of a small green field. Jess wants to go there. But he follows Mama.
They approach a door to a building. Through the blinds, Jess can see it's dark inside. Maybe no one's home? But Mama knocks on the door, rattling it loudly.
She has to knock a few more times before a light goes on inside. Jess can see the light through the blinds, just a warm, square patch of it. Then a large figure steps into the light and barrels towards the door. Frightened, Jess hides behind Mama's leg.
"Liz," says the man who opens the door. Jess peers up at him, cautiously peeking around Mama's leg. He is tall and broad-shouldered, and he's wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants. "What's going on?"
Mama is suddenly crying again. "I just don't know what to do," she sobs helplessly, her whole body shaking as she becomes overwrought.
The man steps forward and hugs Mama. She lets go of Jess' hand so as to hug him back, burying her face in the man's shoulder. They hug for a long time. Jess remains cowering behind Mama, getting more confused by the second, wary of this big tall stranger hugging Mama.
When finally the grown-ups break apart, the man's gaze falls to Jess. His eyes look sad. "Is this him?" he asks quietly.
Mama sniffles and wipes her nose on her sleeve. She always tells Jess not to do that. "Yeah," she says, her voice crackling. She coaxes Jess out in front of her and leans down so that she is eye-level with Jess. "Jess," she says, looking right into Jess' eyes. Then she looks towards the man. "This is your Uncle Luke."
There are no stars to count on this ceiling. Jess can't sleep.
Mama and the man she calls Uncle Luke are talking quietly in the kitchen. They're sitting at the table there, under a dim light. They probably think Jess is asleep. He isn't. He listens.
"And so I went to go pick Jess up from school but he'd already gotten on the bus," Mama says quietly. Her voice is tired. Her fingers clutch a mug of tea. "So I rushed home to get him, but John had already..." Her voice breaks off and she sniffles again. "He already had him. And god, Luke... I was so scared..."
Uncle Luke makes a soft shushing noise. It's not harsh and mean like when John shushes. It is soothing and comforting.
"So John already knew?" Uncle Luke asks, barely above a whisper. Jess has to strain to hear him. "He knew you'd found out?"
"No doubt the little bitch tipped him off," Mama grunts, followed by another sniff.
"Lizzie...is there any way he can follow you? Any way he could find out where you are?" asks Uncle Luke.
There's a brief pause before Mama speaks again. "I don't think he will," she says quietly. "But in any case...we'll be gone tomorrow."
"What, no, Liz, you can't leave yet. Stay here a couple days. You need time to rest and think. I can't just let you run off again after everything you've been through." Uncle Luke's voice is so soft and nice. Jess doesn't think he's ever heard a man's voice be that soft and nice.
"What am I gonna do about Jess?" Mama asks desperately. "He's so quiet. I can never tell what he's thinking or feeling..."
"I'll hang out with Jess tomorrow," says Uncle Luke. "Give you some time to sleep and get things sorted out. I'll take him down to the lake and we'll go fishing."
Mama sniffles again. "Thanks, big brother."
Brother? Mama has a brother...
A bit later on, Mama gets into the bed next to Jess with a quiet sigh. "Mama?" Jess asks quietly.
"Yeah, baby?" she asks, surprised that Jess is awake.
"Are we gonna go home tomorrow?"
"No, baby."
"What about John?"
Mama is quiet for a minute, then kisses the back of Jess' head. "We're not going to see John ever again," she says.
Jess is glad.
Mama's presence nearby is enough to soothe him into a peaceful slumber. And he doesn't even need to count the stars on the ceiling.
The fish are scared today. That's what Uncle Luke says. "The fish are scarce."
Jess sits in Uncle Luke's boat. It belonged to Grandpa Will. Jess doesn't know who Grandpa Will is, but it feels nice to say. "Grandpa Will."
"That's right," Uncle Luke says with a smile. "He was my daddy. Your mom's, too."
Jess leans over the side of the boat, gazing down into the green water below. He can see rocks and sea plants at the bottom, but no fish.
"What's on your mind, Jess?" Uncle Luke asks.
Jess rests his chin on the edge of the boat, gazing out over the water with wide brown eyes. "I don't know."
Uncle Luke's voice is nice. "Your mom's worried about you," he says. "You know she loves you, right?"
Jess looks at Uncle Luke. "I know." Jess notices Uncle Luke's hat. It's a baseball hat, like John wore when he took Jess to the baseball games. Jess doesn't really like baseball. "I like your hat," he says.
Uncle Luke smiles and takes it off, then holds it out to Jess. "You wanna wear it?"
Excited, Jess sits up and accepts the hat, swiftly plunking it on top of his head. The brim slips down immediately to cover his eyes. Jess giggles, and Uncle Luke laughs, too. "I can't see!" Jess shrieks through his laughter, holding his arms out blindly in front of him. Uncle Luke's laughs get louder. Jess likes the sound of Uncle Luke's laugh, so Jess stands and makes a show of it, flailing his arms wildly. "I can't see!"
Uncle Luke's laughs stop suddenly. "Whoa, Jess, wait-!"
Jess' foot hits something at the bottom of the boat and he trips with a yelp. Then he falls directly into the lake!
The water is so cold. It closes in on Jess, weighing him down. He panics, kicking his legs and moving his arms, but he doesn't know which way is up. He moves about wildly in the water, and then starts when he catches a sight of a fish not ten feet away, staring at him curiously.
Two strong arms encircle Jess and he is propelled swiftly upwards, breaking the surface with a big gasp of air. Uncle Luke hauls Jess out of the water and back into the boat. He's talking very fast. "Jeez, Jess, are you alright? Buddy? Jess? Talk to me. Are you alright?"
Jess is shivering so hard his teeth chatter loudly inside his mouth. He coughs once, twice, and then looks up at Uncle Luke, his eyes wide with astonishment. Then he laughs.
Uncle Luke looks confused as Jess doubles over laughing, sitting back down on the bench with the force of it. Then, after a moment, Uncle Luke starts laughing again, too. He reaches over the side of the boat and comes back up with his baseball hat in hand. It's just as wet as Jess is! He slaps it down onto Jess' head again, which only makes Jess laugh harder.
As uncle and nephew begin to scream with laughter, Jess thinks he likes Uncle Luke a lot better than he ever liked John.
Jess likes the bell over the door to Uncle Luke's diner. It tinkles whenever someone goes in or out.
He is still soaking wet from his trip to the lake. Uncle Luke wrapped a towel around him and let him and said they had to get back right away before Jess got hipatherma. "Your lips are turning blue," Uncle Luke said as he lifted Jess into his truck. "We'll get you into a warm bath, okay, Jess?"
Now at the diner, Uncle Luke hurries Jess up the stairs to his house and sits Jess down on the bed while he gets the bath ready. Jess wiggles his bare toes while he waits, noticing how pruney they are. His fingers are the same. He shivers.
Luke comes out and brings Jess into the bathroom, gently lifting him into the tub. The water is nice and warm. Jess sighs contentedly and sinks into the warm water. He stops shivering.
"I'm just gonna go call your mom, okay, Jess?" Luke asks, smiling as Jess flounders playfully in the tub. "I'll just be in the other room."
Jess splashes around, wishing he had his army men to play with. Mama usually let Jess bring them into the tub as long as they were made of plastic. But he is content to just be warm. He blows bubbles, delighting at the silly sound it makes.
In the other room, Jess can hear Uncle Luke speaking on the phone. Jess pauses when he hears that Uncle Luke's voice isn't nice anymore. "What do you mean you're not coming back?" he asks loudly. "What about Jess? He's in the bath right now. You're just gonna leave him here? Liz-!?"
Jess stays still in the tub as a yucky feeling hits his tummy. He waits for a long time before Uncle Luke comes back into the bathroom and sits on the toilet. Uncle Luke gives a big sigh and runs his hand through his hair. He looks at Jess. His eyes look sad again. "How's the bath?" he asks. His voice is quiet, but at least it sounds nice again. Jess just stares at him. Luke sighs again. "Your mom's gonna be gone for a little while, okay, Jess?"
Jess looks down at the water. He wishes he had his army men.
Uncle Luke reaches out to tousle Jess' hair gently. "Looks like it's just you and me, kid."
A/N: Thoughts so far? I'd really love to hear your feedback.