Disclaimer: No ownage.
A/N: I have been working like crazy on writing 6 stories. So please forgive me for not posting. That, and I'm taking a break from posting until Monday. Break will be the first thing updated, I promise you that. As far as this goes...no comment. No, you have no idea. I don't even want to begin to talk about it. And it is, and will stay, a one-shot. It's done.
And since this is the very last thing I'm posting for 2011, I want to thank karurachan1, Hayden Lucas, dpp3530, Invader Johnny, fragar1991, Jakarie, BrutalicTragedy, and IAMCAGE for being amazing and supportive. And thank you to everyone else who reviewed, favorited, alerted, messaged, or just read. Let's bring on the NEW YEAR!
Enjoy.
Why can't I fucking think straight?
Okay, so Beck's been in Canada for six months to shoot a movie, right? Well, while he's been gone, I've been getting a little too comfortable around someone else. Yeah, I know, it's pretty fucked up. Well, you see, I couldn't help it. How could I, with those big brown eyes? They pulled me in like…some magnet or something, and I couldn't get away. And in the end, I didn't want to stay away. I just got closer and closer and next thing I knew, I was more comfortable there than I had ever been anywhere else. I know, I know, how could I ever do that to Beck?
No, you don't even know the fucking half of it.
And honestly, until you do know the half of it, you won't ever understand. No, when he came back I felt like I was cheating, yes, but not on him. You'd think so, right? Nah, I felt like I was cheating with him, like he was the one I chose second, not the other way around. But seriously, why the hell did he have to come first? I think I would have been much better off with someone else.
It's not that I don't love him. Believe me, I love Beck, and for the longest time he was the only one I ever wanted to be with. Yeah, that was true, until she came along. You heard me right, I said she. I don't care what you say, she's attractive. And when she showed up, I had to pretend nothing was great about her. Pretending is safer. It's always been safer because if you pretend…No one will ever know the truth.
I tried to tell myself over and over that I would get past this little infatuation, but my brain just didn't want to believe that. And my stupid heart…The damn thing doesn't know what the fuck it wants, but when it came to her…Fuck my life. There were times that I forgot that I was even dating Beck.
She mentioned him once. And I know it hurts her that I have him; I wouldn't blame her. Why couldn't I figure any of this out before he came back? Then I wouldn't have to hold his hand, kiss him, or pretend that he's what I want. It hurts so fucking much that he's here and that I can't be with her. I don't think she has any idea how I actually feel about any of this.
The worst part is that she knows. She knows how I feel about her, but I can't do anything about it. Why did I have to fall for someone so virtually unobtainable that it feels like every time I have to pretend…there's a knife twisting in my heart? It doesn't make sense to me, why it has to be so painful, so complex that I can't even begin to explain it.
Forget it. I've tried, but it doesn't work. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, I'm sorry, I love someone else. Thanks for letting me use you while I figured it out." No, I could never do that. And to someone who's been hurt so many times? I've been hurt so much that I've built this cold façade, and I pretend that nothing can hurt me. Do I come across as heartless? Yes, I do. But I can't be anything else. People get hurt for being nice, or soft. I can't be either.
So anyway, like I said before, for the longest time, Beck was the only one I wanted to be with. I could see myself marrying him, having little brats running around…It was what I wanted. But then she came along and blew my dreams out of the water. It didn't happen all at once either. No, it wasn't until I realized that I couldn't keep hiding it, that I wanted her to know. So one day I opened my stupid fucking mouth and now, I'm torn between my boyfriend and the girl I honestly want to be with.
Life's a bitch, it really is. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if she had come first, if I hadn't been Beck's. I probably wouldn't be so conflicted, wondering what to do about Beck, while at the same time trying to build a relationship with her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm trying to be with both of them at the same time, but that's not what I want.
"I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but why are you telling me this?"
I blink, staring at Robbie. Why was I telling him everything that was going through my mind? It's not as though we're the best of friends or anything, let alone friends at all. I shrug. "You're the only one here. And you're not best friends with Beck or Tori, so they wouldn't listen to you if you told them, which I'd kill you if you did."
He shakes his head. "No, I'm not going to tell them. But if you feel that way about…wait, this is about Tori?" I realize that I didn't mention her name one single time while I was telling him everything, and I just gave it away. He shrugs. "Whoever you want to like, I guess. Tori really isn't all that bad…" I glare at him. "Anyway, if you feel that way about Tori, then why are you still with Beck? Why don't you break up with him and go be with her?"
"That's not the fucking point, Shapiro."
"Actually, it kind of is the point. I mean, you say that your feelings for Tori are worth more than they are for Beck…Why stay with the guy if that's how you feel?" That has to be the smartest thing he's ever said…
The door to Sikowitz's classroom opens and Vega steps in, stopping when she sees us. My heart stops when I see her, but considering the fact that I'm here talking to Robbie about her, this is the worst possible time. "Hey, Robbie, Cat's looking for you. She said it was important." He nods and shoots me an apologetic glance before leaving the classroom. Vega closes the door behind him and takes the seat previously occupied by Robbie. "Since when do you talk to Robbie?"
I shrug. "He was the only one around that I could talk to about certain things."
She leans back and crosses her arms. "Does he know?" I raise my brow in confusion. "Well, if you couldn't talk to me about it, then it had to be about me. Does he know?" She knows he does. I don't even know why she bothers to ask. "Jade…why?" I sigh and stand, walking away from her. "Jade."
I turn to face her. "Look, I just thought that maybe it would make things a little less complicated if I did. I thought that maybe if someone else had an opinion, it could help me. Do you think I want things to be like this, Vega? I want you more than anything right now, but I can't do a damn thing about it because I'm with Beck."
"It won't work anyway, Jade, you know that. Look at who we are. It's just not possible for us."
"So you're saying if Beck and I break up, nothing's going to change?" She nods. "I don't get you. I really don't. All this time, you've acted like you wanted to be with me and now you're pretty much telling me that either way I'm fucked?" I'm frustrated.
"Why would you and Beck break up anyway? I've accepted that you're with him. It doesn't hurt any less, but I don't want you to be unhappy." Yeah, she says that, when she's the one ripping my heart to shreds. I don't even know anymore.
"I haven't heard from him in three days, Tori. We never go that long without talking unless there's a reason given beforehand." I shrug. Honestly, I don't care what's been going on with Beck. It just doesn't feel right anymore. I roll my eyes. "Fucking forget it, Vega." I leave the classroom and head for my locker. As soon as my hand touches my lock, Beck leans against the lockers next to mine.
And by the expression on his face, I know exactly where this is going. "Jade, can we talk?" I nod, encouraging him to continue. "I've been thinking and ever since I came back, this…you and me…We're not working." And there it is; the sentence I've been waiting for. He looks as though he's more worried about my reaction than the actual breaking up with me.
"It's fine, Beck. It was fun while it lasted." I didn't let him speak after that. Cat and Vega were talking at the other end of the hall, barely visible through the mass of students, and after everything Vega and I just talked about, I fight my brain and walk in the opposite direction. Maybe I should just live in my head. It's safer there, away from reality and away from these feelings I have for her.
The only thing I have left is hope she'll come around because I'm not going to stop fighting for her.