Truth
(A Thor Fic)
Loki is a liar and can therefore recognize this trait in others. Words are his weapon of choice and his silvertongue can easily praise or humiliate, depending on his mood. Loki had always known he was different from other Asgardians, even before he learned the truth of his birth. Loki is a magician in a world full of warriors, a scholar in a world that praises brute strength over the powers of the mind. He is not like them and no force of will shall ever make it so.
Sif was fond of mocking him. She once proudly declared she was more a man than he could ever be. In revenge, he chopped off her hair. She never insulted him to his face again. Loki's mischief is always laced with cruelty. He is not kind, that is one womanly trait he has never strived to acquire, much to Frigga's dismay.
Perhaps Loki was always mad, he just needed the excuse to act on it. Has his rage not been felt across three worlds? Loki doesn't feel angry anymore, merely tired. The scepter fueled his hate. Without it, he is empty. How long will it take for the Chitauri to find him? Preferably soon. He'd rather be at the Other's mercy than at Odin's.
Loki is very curious to see how this game will end. How will the Nine Realms react when they learn Odin raised a Jotun runt as a false son? Jotunheim already cries for Loki's blood. Midgard and Asgard will have to wait their turn. How many pieces will Odin carve from Loki's flesh to slake their desire for retribution? Odin's lies will be displayed for the entire universe to see. Loki derives some pleasure from the thought of Odin's disgrace, but he knows that Odin's crimes pale in comparison to his.
Is this not what Odin wanted? He has his perfect son. Loki is just a failed experiment. He is a monster whose only purpose is to serve as a contrast to Thor's greatness. Despite Frigga's protestations, Odin never loved him. He couldn't, Loki was merely a means to an end, a tool to foster peace between two warring worlds. Loki likens himself to a pet, a lapdog begging for attention in the shadow of the mighty Thor. Love has always been beyond Loki. He was just too blinded by false emotion to see it.
Thor still calls him brother. Loki thinks he hates Thor more than Odin, if for nothing else than for the elder's naivety. Thor still doesn't see that their bond is a lie. Thor's problem is that he feels more often than he thinks. Sentiment clouds what limited reasoning he possesses. Thor loves when he should hate. He forgives the unforgivable. He's just so soft. Loki can't stand him. He can't bear the thought that this is the man who will be king.
It hardly matters now. It is not Loki's destiny to rule. In truth, the monotony of state bores him. He doesn't want Thor's throne, or any throne for that matter. He just wants his own worth acknowledged. He, too, deserves greatness, despite the lowness of his birth. Loki knows he cannot rule because he is an instrument of chaos. He is happiest when surrounded by disorder. Is this a Jotun trait? Loki knows very little about them, only what the Allfather has told him. What good are Odin's teachings? Odin is their butcher. The Allfather is bathed in Jotun blood. Who is he to school Loki on compassion, on mercy? Just another example of the Allfather's hypocrisy. How could Loki have idolized such a man? How, even now, can he still desire the Allfather's praise?
"Brother, I would speak with you."
Loki sighs. Is it that time already? Thor visits Loki's cage daily. Loki wearies of hurling abuse at him. His false brother stubbornly ignores everything Loki says. Their time together is incredibly tedious.
"What is it?"
Thor hesitates. Loki worries that the Thunder God will emote with his eyes. Again. Loki wishes he would just leave.
"Our father has set a date for your trial."
"Your father," Loki corrects. He remembers the satisfaction he felt when he killed his true father, Laufey. Loki is no one's son. He's never felt more alone, or more vindicated.
"It will commence in three days."
Again, Thor hesitates.
"Is that all?" Loki snaps. His fingers itch to unleash the magic Odin stole from him.
"It's not too late. You can make amends."
Loki scoffs. "Shall I grovel at the Allfather's feet? At yours? I stand by my choices. I only regret that I failed, and that you still live."
"I don't believe you."
"Then you are a fool, Thor Odinson. Why do you doubt me when I'm finally being sincere? Oh, right. Sentiment."
"Love, brother, not sentiment."
"You can't love what you don't know. Loki Odinson doesn't exist. Odin is not my father. We are not brothers. You are my enemy. Why can't you comprehend that?"
"Our entire lives are not a lie!"
"Mine is! Did the Allfather not tell you? How he stole me from Jotunheim to raise as a boon against further war? What was I but a tool to be used and discarded when he had no more use for me?"
Thor clenches his jaw in frustration. "You are still my brother. You could raze Yggdrasil to ash and I would still call you that."
"Is it because I look like an Æsir? Tell your father to remove this mask. Then we'll see what words you deem fit to call me."
"He left the glamour on you as a comfort."
"It is not my comfort that worries him."
"He will not take your form."
"What? Two times too many?" Loki laughs. "Your father, Odin Child-stealer!"
"Enough!" Thor roars.
The monster smiles. Finally, a bit of fun. "Is your denial so deep?" Loki asks. The question is brutal and hard.
Thor suddenly looks every bit as tired as Loki feels.
"Is yours?" Thor replies quietly.
This is not what Loki wanted. He wanted Thor's anger, not his sadness. The anger, at least, is real. There is a truth in rage not found in the lesser emotions. Loki wants Thor's honest hate, not his deceitful love. In this instance, Loki's words fail him. Thor's earnestness has dulled his wit.
"If I could take this poison from your mind, I would. There is a storm coming and, before it breaks, I will prove that I love you. And you will believe me."
Thor leaves as quickly as he came. His not-brother disappears in a flash of red and Loki feels the beginnings of a migraine form behind his eyes.
Asgardians are a long-lived race. Odin is nearly five thousand years old. Thor is closer to a thousand. Midgardians would gape at such numbers. Their lives are so brief and their bodies are so frail. Time is a luxury for Asgardians. Midgardian decades are the equivalent to Asgardian months. Even centuries are not so long. Perhaps this is why Thor still cannot believe that once, in his millennia long existence, his world collapsed and was rebuilt in three days. Three days on Midgard was all Thor needed to become the king Odin wanted his son to be. In those three days, Thor learned humility, compassion, and love. He has become a better man. Odin was right to banish him.
But, Loki! What had become of his brother in those same three days? He went mad from the truth and his ire nearly annihilated Jotunheim. Thor knew nothing about this truth until after Loki fell from the Bifrost. Odin told him quietly, his voiced pained but steady. Frigga silently clasped her husband's arm, tears streaming down her face. The truth meant little to Thor. Loki was still dead. Thor couldn't blame his father. Odin had the best intentions. The Allfather had not meant to be cruel. He had done what he thought was right. Why couldn't Loki have seen that? Still, the memories Thor had of his brother weren't tainted. Thor only wished he could have taken his brother's pain into himself. Loki didn't have to die. He didn't have to let go.
The following year passed slowly. The royal family grieved. Thor, perhaps, most of all. The Thunder God knows battle, but he never knew death, not before Loki – did what he did. Thor did not, does not, know how to live without his brother. He doesn't know how to grieve for a man who should never have died. Sif and the Warriors Three were careful not to mention the God of Mischief. Even Odin and Frigga did not utter Loki's name. As if they could purge Loki from their hearts and minds if they did not speak of him! Others, those who did not know Loki so intimately, incessantly whispered his name throughout the halls. They wondered what had become of the sullen, scheming prince. Why had he set the Casket of Ancient Winters upon Jotunheim? What would cause the Asgardian prince to betray his family so totally?
An equal betrayal, Thor thinks, but doesn't say. The majority of Asgard still doesn't know that Loki Odinson is really Loki Laufeyson. Some truths are better left unspoken. What had Loki seen when he fell between the worlds? What has caused his brother to twist so crookedly that Thor hardly recognizes him? Thor is certain that it is more than Odin's truth. Thor feels that he cannot endure Loki's hate. The Thunder God curses his weak heart. Loki has tried to kill him three times and still Thor cannot reject him. Loki is still Thor's brother in bond, if not in blood.
Thor cannot speak for Odin, but Thor has always loved Loki. He cannot stop, though Thor often wishes he was capable of such an act. Thor should look upon Loki as an enemy, but all he sees is his brother in tremendous pain. Pain created through Odin's distance and Thor's arrogance. Pain that festered and spread for a thousand years, a pain that only needed one strong push to destroy a mind, a family, a world. Was any of it ever real?
Loki lies with the truth. That is his brother's true power. He can make a man doubt the sun in the sky. Loki's words eat away at Thor's resolve. They are spoken with such conviction. Thor feels that he will fall under their force. Uncertainty slithers through his mind. Was his brother ever truly his brother? Did Loki ever love him?
"Never doubt that I love you."
Loki had told Thor that three days before he first tried to kill him. Thor clings to those words as truth. Centuries of brotherhood cannot be cast aside so quickly. They once did everything together. They learned together, played together, fought together. They are two halves of one whole. Odin's truth cannot destroy that, not permanently. Thor knows his brother loves him. Loki's heart is just too filled with jealousy and rage to admit it. Loki cannot stay so hateful forever. One day Thor will have his brother restored to him.
Thor also learned patience on Midgard. He will wait.