Useful Advice

Shortly after setting off from Rivendell after being charged with the destruction of the Ring in Mount Doom (and making a left when leaving the courtyard) the Fellowship passed through a little-known suburb called Phuthill, near the base of the Misty Mountains. This would be the last of any civilization they would see for some time.

As they took respite before pressing on, Pippen was looking at the shop windows and noticed a small tent on the side of the main street. A flag atop fluttered in the light breeze, while a large sign on the side advertised its business.

"Fellows, come look at this!"

They picked themselves up from where they sat or leaned and walked over to the tent where Pippen pointed. The sign read:

Useful Adventuring Advice!
Adventurers and Fellowship members! Madam
Divine Aurb will tell your future and offer
guidance on your next outing or career choice.
Reasonable rates! Strictest confidentiality!
One free sample of advice per person.

Then in smaller print it read "Past performance no guarantee of future accuracy. Void where prohibited. For entertainment purposes only. Limit one free sample of advice per customer per lifetime. If confusing conditions persist seek professional magical help immediately."

"Let's try it!" said Merry excitedly.

"Can you trust it?" asked Sam.

"We'll each try the free part, there's no harm in that" said Boromir.

So the fellowship one by one entered the tent. Merry went first and disappeared into the tent. In less than two minutes he exited and came back to the group.

"What happened?" asked Frodo.

"I went into the tent and there wasn't much light inside. I sat at a table where a woman was already sitting with a glass ball sitting in the middle of the table in front of her. I said I wanted the free advice please and she looked into the ball a moment, and then told me to get a sword that was insulated against evil energy feedback, whatever that is."

"Never heard of it before" said Pippen. "My turn!" He repeated the process and reported back afterward.

"Same thing, but she told me to get a fireproof cape. Do they even make those?"

"Let me see this woman" said Legolas. He made the rounds and came back. "I got a coupon good for twenty-five percent off arrows when I buy 500 or more and advice to book any sea cruises in advance. Like I'm ever going to fire my bow on this trip."

"Hrrmmff," said Gimli "I have no need of these things. Let's see what she suggests to me." He strode over to the tent and returned a bit shyly. "I'm not sure if it was advice or an insult." He showed them the trial size Axe deodorant he received, with the label 'Another Axe to drive off as many enemies as your own'.

Aragorn took a whiff and laughed. "No insult or advice, probably just an advertising gimmick my friend. Let me consult this woman." He entered the tent and returned after a few minutes as well. "I got a brochure: 'Ghost writers and where to find them'. Huh; I have no need for writers, and particularly not for ghosts."

"Why don't you go next Sam?" suggested Frodo. Sam did as he was bid and came back looking confused.

"I was told to start wearing a life vest, whatever that is" he said. "Maybe it's designed to hold more food or something. Okay Mr. Frodo, your turn."

Frodo put his hand to chest to feel the ring there, and went in. He came out and returned to the group. "I've been advised to copyright 'The Lord of the Rings'. What's a copyright? I wonder what I have to copy and why I might do it wrong. Why don't you go now Gandalf?"

"Oh no, I won't go in there. I'm always leery of anything free. They'll probably tell me to get rid of my old wardrobe and wear brighter colors or something. No, I'll stay here."

"That leaves me" said Boromir. "Whatever this free advice is, I shall see it through." He went into the tent, and came back with his advice. "It was highly recommended I buy something called 'life insurance'. I thought that was what a sword was for."

With the free advice now given to the adventurers, the Fellowship returned on its journey towards the Gap of Rohan.

The End

A/N: I didn't think I'd write another LOTR story again for some time, but I heard an advertisement on the radio for life insurance and it got me thinking. For the record, I'm not sure how many arrows Legolas shot during the trilogy but I suspect he'd probably qualify for the discount.